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problem parents
I have a problem with my parents. I'm living with them at the moment until I can get a new job and find a new place of my own. Most of the time things are okay.
The problem is that they are very different personality types. He is very outgoing/domineering while she is very shy/insecure and prone to depression (like myself). They have very little in common and often fail to understand each other. This often leads to arguments over the smallest things. One says something and the other takes offence. Even after 45 years of marriage they have never been able to overcome these problems. I often wonder why they ever got married to begin with.
I worry about what might happen if I move out and leave them. Sometimes I think I should give up on my own plans and stay to make sure they don't end up killing each other or something.
The problem is that they are very different personality types. He is very outgoing/domineering while she is very shy/insecure and prone to depression (like myself). They have very little in common and often fail to understand each other. This often leads to arguments over the smallest things. One says something and the other takes offence. Even after 45 years of marriage they have never been able to overcome these problems. I often wonder why they ever got married to begin with.
I worry about what might happen if I move out and leave them. Sometimes I think I should give up on my own plans and stay to make sure they don't end up killing each other or something.
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Comments
Some long term couples fall into the habit of bickering, sniping, and so on when they communicate with each other. My parents are perfect examples of this phenomenon and incidentally have the same general personality traits yours have; ie. dominant father, submissive mother. When I would come home for yearly or bi-yearly visits it would be jarring. I was often tempted to ask them if they really hated each other because that's how they sounded.
Now that I've been living with them for the past 7 years I see things from a different perspective. They don't take the bickering with each other nearly as seriously as I did when I used to see them so rarely. To them it was just the way they were, just a habit they got into years ago, and although it was an unhealthy habit, it was also somewhat like letting off steam as they went instead of bottling all their resentments up and exploding once in a while.
They don't do it as much anymore because it really started to get on my nerves and I called them on it. When I'd hear their voices start to rise I'd get up and go into the room where they were and say, "Stop bickering. You're upsetting the children (meaning me)." This made them laugh and they stopped. Eventually I stopped getting up to go to where they were and just started calling out from my room, "SHADDAAAAAAAP!!" and there'd be silence and then I'd hear them snickering and snorting and trying not to let me hear them laugh. We're kind of a weird family that way. Weird senses of humour.
Maybe their bickering is not as serious to them as it feels to you. Here's hoping...
But Applepie is right; you're not responsible for your parents' inability to get along in a healthy manner nor are you responsible for their future. It often helped me to remind myself of that over the years.
Hum? So, Who has a problem? and What is it?
Is it really they? Is it imagining something happening in the future? Can the future be controlled? How about the present moment? What can be done in the here and now by the one who truly has the problem to relieve their problem?
Ah ha! the old Beatles song - 'Let it Be' just popped into the ole noggin!
'Let it be, let it be, let it be, oh, let it be; there will be an answer, let it be ooh.'
or something like that.
You're absolutely right.
YOU do have a problem.
Do they realise they have a problem, or is this your assumption and judgement?
Most of the time, things are ok with most couples...
They may not be as different as you think... they might simply be opposites of the same plane.... No: you are shy/insecure, like she is. She can't be like you - you followed her, not the other way around.... so you are ascribing certain patterns to her that may not be identical to yours. Though of course, it goes without saying that you are witness to this. We're not.
But your constant exposure to this may be colouring your perception.....
Trust me: you don't live with someone for 45 years and 'not understand' them.
As Brigid says, this may actually an effective means for them to communicate, although you see it as ineffective.
Your father may be bombastic but it's equally possible your mother is Passive-Aggressive. Which is in and of itself a method of controlling a situation....
Even though you say she is shy/insecure, does she always lose an argument?
This may sound simplistic - but have you ever tried asking them? You're making an awful lot of declarations here, but are you sure they'd see it the same way you do?
Do you really think they'd say -
"Gee, Windwalker, we really don't know.... I guess maybe it just happened....!"
Have you ever asked them really, if they've ever heard themselves arguing, and how upsetting it sounds to you?
Well they wouldn't thank you. they'd think you were interfering and tell you to live your own life.
It's possible that when you move out, and you live on your own, and they have their lives back - things might actually improve.
Or maybe one day, your mother/father will land on your doorstep, and say - "I'm leaving your Father/Mother."
Who knows?
Don't worry about it.
This is up to them.
You are up to you.