Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Thinking about becoming a buddhist, but am unsure.
Hello Everyone, I have been a catholic for my entire life but recently I have become completely unsure of the religion and whether or not God even exists. This has made me really depressed and unsure about everything for the past several months, and now I can't even trust myself anymore. When I think about God, I think; "I believe that I have had personal experience with God or some kind of inner spirit" but then I think; " have I? Or is that just what I want to believe because it's what my parent told me or I am afraid of dying?" I've been going online, researching religions and what other people think, but that's also part of the problem. I'm not researching any factual knowledge when I look up religion, it's all about beliefs, and I can't trust what I believe anymore. Then when I see what other theists or atheists think, I'm looking at what they think, what they believe isn't factual evidence it's just their own personal philosophy. That and any talk of religion online usually results in one big screaming match that leaves me more depressed than when I started.
Anyway, after several months of searching, the closest thing I found to an absolute truth about what God would be like is this scene from Futurama:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IaudsdrPjY
It kind of spoke to me in a way. I liked the ambiguity of it all, and how balanced God was, I also liked how it the entity didn't even claim that it was God. I remembered hearing that buddhism was especially about balance, and how they didn't claim that there was/wasn't a God, so I started researching their belief systems. Eventually I looked into taoism and saw ch'an buddhism. I liked ch'an the most, I love how it doesn't really focus on scriptures and rather tells you to find your inner truth. I also liked how it doesn't focus on whether or not God exists, and just says to find inner peace(which is really what I am looking for).
So, the question that I want to ask you is, am I just lying to myself and using buddhism to hide from my fears of atheism? Part of me is wondering if I really am just an atheist trying to dodge the question of whether or not God exists, and another part is saying that I'm just afraid of death and I trying to comfort myself. Did you ever have feelings like this in your life, or am I just doubting myself?
Thank You
Anyway, after several months of searching, the closest thing I found to an absolute truth about what God would be like is this scene from Futurama:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IaudsdrPjY
It kind of spoke to me in a way. I liked the ambiguity of it all, and how balanced God was, I also liked how it the entity didn't even claim that it was God. I remembered hearing that buddhism was especially about balance, and how they didn't claim that there was/wasn't a God, so I started researching their belief systems. Eventually I looked into taoism and saw ch'an buddhism. I liked ch'an the most, I love how it doesn't really focus on scriptures and rather tells you to find your inner truth. I also liked how it doesn't focus on whether or not God exists, and just says to find inner peace(which is really what I am looking for).
So, the question that I want to ask you is, am I just lying to myself and using buddhism to hide from my fears of atheism? Part of me is wondering if I really am just an atheist trying to dodge the question of whether or not God exists, and another part is saying that I'm just afraid of death and I trying to comfort myself. Did you ever have feelings like this in your life, or am I just doubting myself?
Thank You
0
Comments
Buddhism can be balanced, I've found walking the middle path to be one of the most important lessons out there... although one shouldn't put such importance on a single lesson.
I have felt your way before, although I think I was always Buddhist (for all my christmas' all I wished for was world peace. and "people to be happy and not sad ever")
Buddhism is not a prescription, so feel free to dabble in multiple religions without fear of OD'ing.
I have a long history of Catholicism, to the point where it used to be part of my leisure, social and professional life.
I was born, raised and lived and breathed Catholicism. It was as an intrinsic part of my life as my hair and nails.....
Yet all the way through, I know for sure - I didn't know anything, for sure.
There was always this feeling of "I believe. Because I should. Because I'm supposed to. Because it's what I'm meant to do."
And I knew all the way through, it wasn't enough.
There was a 'hole' there, that no matter how I tried, just stayed empty.
I tried to ignore it, and justify it to myself by saying, that it was normal. Everybody had this hole of 'doubt'. It was natural.
It was part and parcel of faith, and that people dealt with it in different ways by either ignoring it, or pretending it wasn't there at all, or justifying to themselves that actually, there WAS no hole.....
But no matter how hard I tried to reason with myself, the hole got bigger.
And I realised I had been conforming.
I'd been going along with things, because it was expected of me. It was the role I played in the social group in which I existed.
What I hadn't realised was that another aspect of my life I had been following - an Oriental complimentary therapy, and physical discipline - was teaching me new things about life, about philosophy and chiefly, about myself.
And finally, one day, I reached a turning point.
I realised it was time to either put up, or shut up.
I had to jump.
I had to cut the line and Trust myself.
I had to have Faith in my own reasoning, understanding and comprehension.
I had to Let Go.
I had to let go of something I had thought was central to my life, and travel - untethered and confident - towards something I KNEW was logical, sensible and trustworthy.
Worthy of my Trust.
Because at every step, I was being encouraged to test things and to see for myself, whether this worked or not.
In Catholicism, I was often discouraged from delving too deeply. Not necessarily deliberately by others. I have to say that I never encountered strong proselytising or criticism from others. Everyone was wonderful and embracing.
What discouraged me was a general assumption that I was supposed to accept everything mysterious as God's Secret Plan. God had a quest for me, and would tell me what it was, when I was ready.
Oh really?
I was still waiting, at 35, to know what this so-called 'personal quest' was.
Wasn't it really about time that I got more than just a veiled hint...?
I think I'd reached a point when I realised "Enough was enough". I'd given it all I could, truly I had. I had put my all into this, and there I was, still going "huh?"
So when I was introduced to Buddhism full on, it kind of took me by surprise and completely blind-sided me.
It psychologically knocked the wind out of me, but in the greatest way I could describe.
One, I hadn't realised that in practising Shiatsu and learning Qi Gong, I had also been absorbing this Eastern-born Philosophy that was now well and truly established in the West.
Two, the main person to introduce me to Buddhism solidly and unequivocally - was my own Roman Catholic Mother.
That was nearly 20 years ago.
The farther I have walked along the Eightfold Path, the surer, more solid and Confident my steps have been.
At first, I won't deny it was tentative.
At first, cutting ties with the old, was both painful and anxiety-fuelled.
But the main thing I learnt was Acceptance.
Acceptance that I could completely Trust myself to do things right.
Sometimes I got it wrong.
But there was never any doubt in my heart or mind, that what I was doing, was completely and utterly Right for me.
And if ever I have tripped up (and boy, the holes in my jean knees will tell you how often THAT's happened!) I knew it was because I'd made an unskilled judgement.
There is nothing in Buddhism I find questionable.
But it does teach us to examine everything.
Which is exactly what I did.
So, here we are......
Others may see it differently.
The comments made by Fede and Richard are particularly salient, and you will do well by them. Trust in yourself, find what resonates with you, Buddhism is all about discovering who you are. Let the other stuff rest, the journey into you will be quite enough to keep you busy, for quite some time.
As one of the regulars on this forum says in her signature...
"I don't know where we're going, but what a lovely day for a journey."
Your post describes me almost exactly. I am in nearly an identical situation.
I think its key right now to not worry about slapping a label on yourself. Instead, spend time studying and learning more about the topics that interest you and that you are actually getting something out of. Eventually a light will come on - I believe at some point by reading and studying that which is enriching your mind, you will have an epiphany of what is right for you.
I am right now just trying to learn as much about Buddhism as I can. So far, it is all interesting and helpful to me. I feel I am getting closer to my "ah-ha" moment when it will be clear which direction I should go. As a life long Catholic for my 35 years on this planet, it has been extremely hard since renouncing my Catholicism to be "without a home". That has probably been the toughest adjustment to make.
But - I refuse to rush into something just so that I can say "I am X". Instead, I'm just going to take this time to become as knowledgeable and well-versed as I can. Buddhism definitely has my attention so I will see where that takes me. I will know when I've reached my destination and I suspect you will too.
Welcome to the forum. It's lovely to meet you.
Hi Burr
great video clip, not seen that before. Great responce from federica too.
Your clearly deep existential angst, however its wrapped up its very human and I think it is strange when people never have it as some I know claim.
But you seem (perhaps because of residual "guilt"?) to feel this angst is wrong when really, its a huge part of asking oneself what one is, probably the biggest.
The same with your doubts, like your angst, why would they be wrong? Are they not the doubts that drive you to question your existence and drive you to question your faith. Embrace them, understand them and extinguish them as much as you can, and those you cannot - well i guess its good to have a little uncertainty!:)
There is a quote I like, I *think* it is HHDL but not sure:
"It is certain I will die, It is not certain when I will die, what should I do?"
I wish you peace truth and happiness!:)
mat
Thanks,
Burr
what the Buddha taught, by Reverend Walpola Rahula.
It is always a question of knowing and seeing, and not that of believing. The teaching of the Buddha is qualified as ehi-passika, inviting you to ‘come and see’, but not to come and believe.
Every man has within himself the potentiality of becoming a Buddha, if he so wills it and endeavours. We can call the Buddha a man par excellence. He was so perfect in his 'human-ness' that he came to be regarded later in popular religion almost as 'super-human'
Thich Nhat Hanh addresses the issue of religion in Living Christ, Living Buddha although I have not read this myself.
In all readings put aside, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with, that which is not yet understood. Things will come to fruition of their own, and Buddhism is ultimately not just about debate, or discussion, but about life itself.
Best wishes, and welcome to the Boards, burr787.
When I realized Christianity wasn't for me it was quite scary and I think what you are experiencing is a normal reaction. Remember to be open to the lessons this life offers and don't worry about the future just plan to live just and compassionately.
Peace
http://www.amazon.com/Awakening-Buddha-Within-Tibetan-Western/dp/0767901576/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265931351&sr=8-1
Don't think. Thinking causes confusion. If it's right for you, it will be. If not, then you will see that and move on. I wish you the very best no matter what your decision ultimately ends up being.
Speaking from my own experience, once I started reading seriously about Buddhism and its precepts, I realized that I'd always been a Buddhist, I just didn't know it. So Buddhism sort of found me rather than the other way around.
Be still and quiet and listen to the Universe.
Peace
Butch
Buddhists are sentient beings who feel the ache of samsara,
Buddha isn't some Asian god or mystical creature,
Buddhism is a force of nature
and Buddhists., is just ...well
mice looking to get out of the maze, because the maze has a path that leads out..... a study of what is what..
the other mice, (people who aren't Buddhists) are Buddhists too, they just don't know it yet..
They, like us, still remain ignorantly in the maze!
but at least we know we are in a maze.
You have fear, and questions...of course you do, you've seen a bit of the maze...who wouldn't have questions.. but there are a few in a billion mice or mouses, that escape like BUDDHA, he's was just a mouse like us in a maze, he found the way out, is that so hard to believe ? odds are someone was going to get out eventually... and so now we have his advice, and directions..
Next comes walking the path out. I'm still working on that...but ..
become a Buddhist/Escape mouse..
this maze sucks and is lame, lets get to freedom..
I'm researching the many schools of thought now, trying to find the one that resonates the closest with what I feel is 'right'. But I also find this interesting that when I look at my life over the past few years, I'm starting to see 'road signs' that I didn't see before (too busy looking in front and behind me I guess) that all point here. To this.
I'm trying not to be too eager to 'sign up' and label myself something for the sake of 'finding my place' in it all. Its a struggle when the only way I seem to know myself is through the labels applied to me.
Good luck to you!!
Welcome to the site! It's lovely to meet you.
Great first post, btw.
YOu can be an Atheist and a Buddhist. Buddhism is more or less learning to control negative emotions. We are like Jedi but more handsome.
Can I steal that?
You don't have to steal it. You can have it. :cool: