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Anger: 1 - Hank: 0
Hi there folks!
Lately I've been feeling more aware of the fact that at times I feel my anger can get the best of me (usually with my parents...:o though nothing serious), but also in traffic I can get really frustrated with people who seem to think they are alone on the planet...I'm sure u know 'em...
I used to figure, no harm no foul, but ever since I live the Buddhist' way I feel frustrated every time it happens. As a matter of fact, I feel I am failing my Buddhist way. And it's not like I am unreasonable, often I just can't cope with the feeling of any kind of injustice being done. At other times I ironically I can keep my cool where other loose theirs.
The REAL ISSUE is that personally I feel that at times it's OK to just rage for say 30 seconds, and then I am past it. Obviously not @ someone else, just at myself. But then again that can lead to some "foul language" and I am trying to eradicate that too (as little as I do it anyhow) ... the right speech...
I feel holding anger in would actually be an unnatural thing to do, if done too much, it's just a valid an emotion as happiness right?
I would appreciate the opinions of my fellow members, thanks !!
Lately I've been feeling more aware of the fact that at times I feel my anger can get the best of me (usually with my parents...:o though nothing serious), but also in traffic I can get really frustrated with people who seem to think they are alone on the planet...I'm sure u know 'em...
I used to figure, no harm no foul, but ever since I live the Buddhist' way I feel frustrated every time it happens. As a matter of fact, I feel I am failing my Buddhist way. And it's not like I am unreasonable, often I just can't cope with the feeling of any kind of injustice being done. At other times I ironically I can keep my cool where other loose theirs.
The REAL ISSUE is that personally I feel that at times it's OK to just rage for say 30 seconds, and then I am past it. Obviously not @ someone else, just at myself. But then again that can lead to some "foul language" and I am trying to eradicate that too (as little as I do it anyhow) ... the right speech...
I feel holding anger in would actually be an unnatural thing to do, if done too much, it's just a valid an emotion as happiness right?
I would appreciate the opinions of my fellow members, thanks !!
0
Comments
-- Aristotle
I don't know the logistics of your specific situation, but perhaps you need to sit down and have a discussion with your parents or figure out what it is that is bothering you and take constructive, assertive (not aggressive) action to fix it. Anger itself is not a problem. As you said, it's as valid an emotion as happiness or fear or sadness. It's how we react to it that often gets in the way of our acting in our own best interest and in the interest of those we care about.
Sometimes there is an undercurrent of self righteousness ("How DARE these people make me experience anger?") that doesn't want to accept the emotion itself. All emotions are calls to action; they are messengers that give us vital information about the state of our lives. Chances are, if you're feeling anger, there's a reason for it. Instead of flying off the handle, accept the anger, and figure out what action it's trying to get you to take.
I am a real talker, but usually talks with my parents only lead to a temporary fix, some of it is ok (like brothers and sisters etc), but I want to control even those few moments when anger takes over. I feel I am the one who really heats up the conversation though, even if I am right to make a point.
This is very interesring, but what do you mean by "what action anger is trying to get you to take? THANKS !!
Anger too has its evolutionary purpose. Usually it signals a perceived offense that can be righted, and mobilizes you to take action. Physiologically, cortisol and adrenaline and other hormones are emitted, the heart rate increases and the body diverts blood away from the organs to the muscles. In the past, this may have been a reaction to another person taking your resources (food, shelter, mates, etc.) Modern day problems are not as transparent. Sometimes the body-mind complex can be fooled into thinking there is a threat/offense when it's not such a big deal.
In your case, I thought maybe there was something being left unsaid between you and your parents. That may not necessarily be he case, but it is a common scenario. But the bottom line is, you are not responsible for your emotions. As MindfulMe notes below, you can't control them. You DO have responsibility over how you react to your emotions and always have the choice to act constructively. Think to yourself: is what I am about to do going to simply escalate the situation or improve it? Always operate with an eye towards the constructive rather than the destructive; to couch it in Buddhist terms, always be mindful of whether your actions will perpetuate suffering (your own and/or others') or alleviate it. At times, the answer will be not to do anything at all (spilled milk); at other times, there is action that needs to be taken to prevent real potential harm/abuse. Often simple assertiveness training can be helpful towards these ends in differentiating aggressive communication from assertive communication.
Hi Hank,
First off, YOU are not your emotions. Don't beat yourself up if you lose control of your emotions; nobody is born perfect
About anger - I find that trying to control something (that was not in our control in the first place) often results in frustration and anger.
When driving, I try to accept that people have their own reasons for being <insert your own word here>. The fact is, you can't control what goes on in other peoples lives, but more importantly, you don't know WHY the other person is acting the way they do.
For instance, when I had a family emergency to tend to, I know that I wasn't the most courteous driver on the road trying to get home. I'm sure that other drivers just thought of me as <insert your own work here
There is a book by Thich Nhat Hanh about Anger. If you can get it from your local library or purchase it, I think it will help you to work with that emotion.
Here is one of my favorite quotes by The Buddha:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
Be Peace.
Just to point out something beforehand, I am not at all a "anger-management" case, BUT I am just very critical of my behaviour, because sometime "when" I "do" get mad, I feel my anger takes over in a disproportionate way, it happens maybe once/twice a week for a small amount of time, but it feels off... to me anyway (hope this makes sense!).
I know exactly what you mean, but HONESTLY, I already have that in mind, and often I already feel I am fairly understanding, but I think you'll agree... sometimes people are just being inconsiderate, it's just that there's always going to be those "emergencies" and the plain "inconsiderates" (sorry...) and I just feel like making my point even to them at times. Sometimes people even know they are wrong and just don't care! On other days I just let it slide... Maybe I indeed I should do a little reading on it though, good suggestion btw, interesting quote too, I'll give all of this some thought
I went to the site listed in the link below, clicked on the image of the book and searched for 'inappropriate attention', which took me to page 16 and a section titled 'What is Anger' it's a nice short read. The whole book is also very good.
http://www.amazon.com/Working-Anger-Thubten-Chodron/dp/1559391634
Cheers!
Perhaps I might suggest a different approach when you encounter these types of drivers - I actually got this idea from reading "The Art of Happiness" and it has worked very well for me.
As the Dalai Lama says, compassion is CRUCIAL when it comes to developing true happiness. Tolerance and patience are key building blocks when it comes to developing your compassion.
So, the next time you run into a rude driver, think of it as an opportunity to develop tolerance and patience. After all, if there were no rude people in the world, we would never have the chance to develop our tolerance and patience at all! If you consider encountering a rude driver as an opportunity to improve your building blocks for happiness, I think you will view the situation much differently than you currently do.
Hope that helps!
I really like the way you phrased that: "it feels off... to me anyway...".
That simple phrase tells me you're a lot closer to calming your mind than you think you are. It's taken me years and years of trying to work with my anger to get to the point where I could finally sense how disproportionate my angry reactions actually are. Really. Years.
Remember, 'your' anger actually isn't 'yours'. It's just a phenomenon, an emotion that arises in a brain due to conditions. It is not 'yours' and it is not who 'you' are. It's subject to the same Three Characteristics of Existence as everything else; dukkha, anicca, and anatta. Unsatisfactoriness, impermanence, and not-self.
It's helpful to acknowledge the progress you're already making and will be making and not helpful to guilt trip yourself when you think you're not doing well. Be as understanding of yourself as you would be to your best friend.
Funny I do think it's an interesting and definitely positive way of looking at people... that usually evoke some sense of frustration
I don't know "how far" I can take this method, but if only 50% sticks, I will be glad with my profit! Excellent!
Hi Brigid,
Thanks for the compliment of course, fact is I am perceived by many as a "relaxed" kind of person, so what I think happens is that now that I look at matters from a Buddhist perspective, I've upped the bar allot, and indeed it feels off, when I still "fail" in those little moments, but practice makes perfect I guess.
Funny sidenote, it's not only with anger, sometimes, I can start clinging to ideas (nothing out of the ordinary or so), but also then I feel almost disappointed not being able to avoid those tendencies; the bar has gone up once again ...
Thanks for your additional explanation, I look forward to putting it to practice, and being a little bit more understading if you will with myself
How's Pinky doing btw ?
Cheers All !
Pema Chodron taught me to be my own best friend and to treat myself with kindness and compassion. She teaches that well. It amazes me that the concept had never even occurred to me before. How weird! It's so obviously a wise and helpful way to live yet I'd never thought of caring for myself like I would a best friend.
Well I really felt for the little guy, I'm a real cat-lover myself, so I can really relate to your feelings. Thanks btw, I think it's safe to say we were all touched by the story, I hope is eye infection clears up soon! Is it still snowy out there? Saw some US footage on the news, cars pretty much buried under the snow :eek: and what not! Give little Pinky a cuddle on my behalf
All the best!
Anyone with an avatar like yours is definitely a cat lover. I love that picture. It makes me smile every time I see it.
You know, I hate to say this about the snow because so many people are suffering from it right now but this year has been quite a low snowfall year for my region.
I love the snow but it's dangerous to drive in gusting snow and it costs a fortune to have the guy come with his huge snow blower to blow the snow off our long lane. We have a tiny car and it gets stuck in the smallest amount of snow. So it's really nice to get a break from that every once in a while.
But I still love the winter, snowy or not. I used to do a lot of skating and there was nothing better than walking to the park on one of those cold, crystal clear evenings to skate on an outside rink. Skating in the semi silence with white snow and lights glittering like diamonds all around you underneath a black-blue night sky is heaven to me. Especially when your skates fit properly.
All the best to you too, Hank!