How Do You Love Those Who Have Harmed You?

Hollizle

I have been thinking alot about all of this "love every living creature" business, but there are people in my life that have caused me an unimaginable amount of pain and I am having an incredibly difficult time seeing myself ever being able to completely forgive them. I won't share with you what these people have done, due to the extremely personal nature of the issues, but I really feel that they don't deserve any of the love I have to give to this world. Does this make me a bad Buddhist? Is there a way to eventually overcome this?

Valtiel

When you say love, what exactly are you refering to? In Buddhism, karuna (compassion) and metta (loving-kindness) are cultivated. In terms of love, Marilyn Manson (:0) said that to love everyone and everything would give love little meaning.

As for forgiveness, that's a personal thing. Not being able to forgive, or let go, will only cause you pain. So that's something you ultimately need to work on for yourself. It doesn't mean what they did is ok, that you're approving of or pardoning it... It doesn't mean gaving tea with them... It means letting yourself move on from it and enjoying your life now.

Palzang

The Dalai Lama said his greatest teachers were the Chinese because they taught him suffering. Suffering is a valuable teaching that gives us the impetus to practice to escape it. Without suffering, there is no path. Could you consider those who have caused you harm to be your teachers? Because they are.

Palzang

NamelessRiver

I have been thinking alot about all of this "love every living creature" business, but there are people in my life that have caused me an unimaginable amount of pain

I once heard a dharma talk where the nun was talking about school shootings. She was pointing out that while some parents were really full of hatred by what the shooter did, some others were reacting with hints of compassion, although both groups were very sad for their loss. I am not gonna say how you should feel. I just wanna point out two things:

1) People react differently to the same situation. Of course that people can be very nasty sometimes, of course their behavior can cause pain by itself, but this anger you are building inside is a great component of your suffering. Certainly, if you would take a fresh view on the situation you might see how differently you could react to situations. Check your own life for that matter. Was there any given event when you were 'supposed' to be mad but instead you just let it slide?

2) Suffering is not an exclusive group: many people suffer, and most likely by the same reasons you do, some might even kill themselves over things that you could handle perfectly, some have much bigger problems. Instead of using suffering to build up a wall and saying 'These people are bad' try recognizing that 'People suffer, including them, and what they feel is similar to what I am feeling'. I am not talking about a karmic retribution, like a vengeance by what they are doing to you. It is just because of the fact that they are human: they suffer, just as you do. So intead of going into a mode of 'I feel pain, thus I feel anger', try 'I feel pain, thus I feel compassion.'

RichardH

There was teacher who used to joke about saying "metta" through gritted teeth. The compulsion to be compasionate is not very compassionate. Where is the compassion in saying "I should have lovingkindness for this person". If you are honestly feeing hateful of someone who has hurt you, what about compassion for that state of being? That state of mind has a right to exist, it arose due to conditions and is present. Maybe if you welcome the hatefullness with loving kindness something will shift?

AllbuddhaBound

You know the greatest work done with loving kindness is possible when you feel you can't ever forgive. It may help to work your way up to the most offensive indiscretions. If you can get in the habit of forgiving in general, it may be possible to take on all of the people who have hurt you.

You may feel that to become forgiving and kind minded towards these people is about letting them off the hook. It actually teaches you to be forgiving and loving towards yourself as well as other. It also is a lesson in being non-judgemental. Once you are able to do this, much suffering is alleviated on your part.

The Dalai Lama has also stated that the practice of loving kindness is more beneficial for the person who gives the forgiveness than the person receiving it.

Glow

You might also consider what caused these people to harm you in such a way -- what did they go through in their lives that made them believe that acting in this way was okay. Anger and violence, in many cases, is an act of self-soothing. The offender, in trying to escape feelings of fear or helplessness, can lash out at the world and the victims are merely innocent bystanders who happen to be in the path of the storm.

Also, know that what these people did to you in no way reflects on your worth as a human being. A lot of the anger harbored by trauma victims is really internalized violence against their own existence. They can't forgive others because they are afraid doing so will somehow debase/destroy their own dignity. There's a reason that metta bhavana involves first expressing metta towards yourself. You must first affirm your own right to take up space in this world. I wrote a post a while ago on practicing metta towards oneself. I'll try to find it for you.

EDIT: I found the post:

Glow wrote: »

One of the strangest things I've found in practicing metta meditation is that, when you have that quality of kindness towards yourself, you become much more capable of dealing with offensive behavior from others. Much of our suffering is a sort of subconscious inner aggression. From the Dhammapada:

3. "He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." Those who harbor such thoughts do not still their hatred.
4. "He abused me, he struck me, he overpowered me, he robbed me." Those who do not harbor such thoughts still their hatred.
5. Hatred is never appeased by hatred in this world. By non-hatred alone is hatred appeased. This is a law eternal.
6. There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. But those who do realize this settle their quarrels.

Try a week of metta meditation focusing on yourself. For a period of maybe thirty minutes each day, in addition to or as an alternative to your existing meditation practice, try using the following as "mantras" to rest you mind on:

- May I have unconditional friendship* towards myself.
- May I be free from anger. May I be free from resentment. May I be free from hatred.**
- May I be a truly loving being.
- May I learn to think, speak and act in a way that leads to fundamental well-being.
- May I be healthy and strong.
- May I be safe from external danger. May I be safe from internal danger.***
- May I be unafraid to be who I am.
- May I trust myself to act constructively.

* "Unconditional friendship" is the translation of metta Pema Chodron uses, as well as Rupert Gethin. I've found it a very good way of expressing what metta really is. Alternatively, you might use "unconditional kindness." The "unconditional" is important, however. It teaches you that, no matter how difficult your circumstances, lovingkindness towards yourself is always a possibility.
** This is actually an adaptation of the classical aspiration for compassion ("May I be free from suffering and the cause of suffering.") In Buddhism, anger, resentment and hatred are considered suffering because they rage against what reality presents to us.
*** "Internal danger" refers to destructive mind states that distract us from the peace that s available to us in every moment.

I have dealt with some very hurtful people, but after cultivating self-metta, I find their behavior doesn't really offend me anymore. Notice what happens internally when you're angry about what someone has done to you. Usually there is a subtle undercurrent of self-aggression: i.e., getting angry at your anger, or fearful of your fear. Once you've established some quality of friendship towards yourself, it's much easier to notice that, let go of the anger, and do what needs to be done. In most cases, simply removing yourself the presence of this person is enough. In other cases, you may need to assert yourself in a more direct way (look online for tips on assertiveness training).

BrotherBob

I use the old, 'Whatever harm was done, was an expression of their foolish desperate attempt to relieve their suffering' Then I wish that they find the way to relieve their suffering without harmfulness.

Also, 'Lojong" training helped me a bit.

I also find it helpful to imagine ourselves as survivors and thrivers, rather than victims. That is to self-identify as a survivor of harm who is now thriving.

Lastly, I repeat this everyday, and sometimes multiple times per day (occasionally imagining those who've harmed me):

May they have the causes for happiness and be happy.
May they have the causes for peace and have peace.
May they have the causes for freedom from suffering and be free of suffering.
May they have the causes for realizing Buddha nature and realize Buddha nature.

Short Version:

May they be happy
May they be at peace
May they be free from suffering
May they realize Buddha nature

I recite this gatha, silently, over and over in mind as I gaze at those around me, during daily activities, and as I imagine others; especially those who have done harm.

:):)

Hollizle

All of this advice is really helpful and has given me alot to consider... It seems I am only allowing these people to further harm me by feeling the way I do about them... Suffering is indeed a good teacher so hopefully I can keep that in mind when they get out of prison. You guys are all really great. Thanks for putting this into perspective for me. I feel much better already. Much love to you all