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Mom and I
This is an issue I've been struggling with for a long time. I'm 24 years old, male, and for most of my life have lived with my mom. My mom and I had a close relationship and she took a lot of care of me-probably because I had a medical condition.
A couple of months ago-I've had to move to a new city to take advantage of a new opportunity and it's been hurting my mom. She's very upset that I'm not with her. I feel guilty and feel that I am not doing the right thing. Although it wouldn't be fair-sometimes I want my mom and I to live together again, perhaps she could move to the new city or I would move back eventually. And more complications-I have a girlfriend as well with whom I'd like to move in together eventually. But my mom is upset because that means she, according to her, won't be able to see me again.
So how do I reconcile this? How do I minimize the pain for my mother and myself? And really, I think the whole concept of moving out after a certain age is BS. Your parents are your blood and there is nothing wrong with living with them. But then I have a girlfriend as well and I'd like to get married. So what do I do-have all of us live together?
I just don't know the best way to handle this. How would you deal with it? I sense this is an issue of attachment so how can I make everyone's life(including mine) a little bit easier? Any viewpoint is welcome. Thank you.
Metta
A couple of months ago-I've had to move to a new city to take advantage of a new opportunity and it's been hurting my mom. She's very upset that I'm not with her. I feel guilty and feel that I am not doing the right thing. Although it wouldn't be fair-sometimes I want my mom and I to live together again, perhaps she could move to the new city or I would move back eventually. And more complications-I have a girlfriend as well with whom I'd like to move in together eventually. But my mom is upset because that means she, according to her, won't be able to see me again.
So how do I reconcile this? How do I minimize the pain for my mother and myself? And really, I think the whole concept of moving out after a certain age is BS. Your parents are your blood and there is nothing wrong with living with them. But then I have a girlfriend as well and I'd like to get married. So what do I do-have all of us live together?
I just don't know the best way to handle this. How would you deal with it? I sense this is an issue of attachment so how can I make everyone's life(including mine) a little bit easier? Any viewpoint is welcome. Thank you.
Metta
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Comments
It is always difficult for mothers to let go of their children and acknowledge that they've finally grown up and need to leave the nest.
You need to be independent - but its natural that your mom will miss you for a while. There's no reason why you shouldn't take your girlfriend to meet her sometime. Maybe you could also suggest that she investigate some activities where she could make new friends.
Regarding your new life in general, perhaps you could assure her that you'll be keeping in touch frequently, but also gently suggest that whilst you love her very much, you need to lead your own life as an adult now.
I don't know if that's any help but I do hope things turn out well for you and your mom in the future.
Kind regards,
Dazzle
.
No girlfriend in her right mind would ever want to be living under the same roof as you and your mother. You just need to tell your mom that its time you grow up.
Arrange for regular visits. She visits you once a year and you visit her once a year (at least).
Encourage her to find some social activity, such as with community centres, church groups, etc.
Tell her you love her and express your gratitude.
As long as she knows you are always there, her worries will eventually settle.
Best wishes
In the West, however, it's often expected that children become independent once they become adults, but as far as I'm concerned, there is no right or wrong answer. I lived with my family for a long time before I finally decided to move out of state with my girlfriend.
My mom was really sad when I told her about it. She cried, and it really made me feel terrible. But we keep in touch through phone calls, emails, etc., and she's more or less gotten used to it. Whenever I leave after a visit, though, she still cries, but that's just because she loves me. Maybe it'll be the same with you.
So is the secret to remove attachment from everything?
Or is that selfishness?
You have to fall out and learn how to fly.
I'll give an example. Some parents have a huge problem in establishing boundaries for their kids. They will feel hurt, both the kid and the parent. If there were no boundaries though, we all know what will happen right? I mean, they have television shows on that! So the parents in this case have no business feeling guilty.
It is very nice that you have a good relationship with your mother. She is free to feel sad about the fact that you moved away, or that you will get married [on that, all I have to say is that these feelings usually have a limited shelf life...] BUT what shouldn't be happening is the fact that YOU are feeling bad because she is feeling bad.
On objective terms, you are moving on with your life. She should accept that, it is absolutely normal and it is just one of the many pains of motherhood (and I would say it is pretty common to feel a little sad when your child leaves home and moves on)...
Have your mother and wife in the same house is, most of the time, unrealistic. So scratch that.
With all that being said, I think you don't need to feel rushed into the next step. Marriage requires a degree of maturity not all 24 year olds have, and I will definitely recommend you only do that when you are past these "mother issues" or you will end up with a very angry wife, hmmmkay?
Well, here's the Buddha's advice on the proper way a child honours their parents and vice versa:
"And, the mother and father so respected reciprocate with compassion in five ways: by restraining you from wrongdoing, guiding you towards good actions, training you in a profession, supporting the choice of a suitable spouse, and in due time, handing over the inheritance.
"In this way, the eastern direction is protected and made peaceful and secure."
Attachment is normal when it comes to loved ones, but if you think you or your mom has an unhealthy attachment, well, that's something different and should be addressed. It's really up to you how handle it, though.
Nameless, I see your point. It is absolutely true that I shouldn't feel bad about my mom being hurt since I have no fault. I shouldn't bear that responsibility. It is a normal process and I have to keep reminding myself that. I mean, my mom left her mom, etc...It is in fact a painful process and I wish I didn't have to be that way.
To be honest, I think that I rely on my mom much more than she relies on me.
Any ideas, tips, lessons on cultivating independence and improving self-esteem? I think that improving myself, I will be better able to help my mom in the future. How do I remove that sense of guilt/sadness? I think my outlook on life is rather pessimistic and so is my mom's. She actually has mild depression in the sense that she can function and do her job but she's always being pessimistic. I probably inherited it from her.
Jason, thank you for the references to the Buddha. That is highly invaluable and I will try to follow what the Buddha said. But my question is, how do I "support" them. Do I support them financially, emotionally? If I'm not living with them then I feel I'm not supporting them "emotionally" and feel guilty. Also, I feel that I need support from my mom.
Do you think my OCD has something to do with it? Do you think it is an aggrevating factor in this whole ordeal?
All of the above. The amount is up to you, but I'm sure the Buddha would advise to give what you can without causing yourself unnecessary suffering.
There was a person in my life that used to tell me all sorts of mean things. Things like I was dumb and idiot and crazy and disgusting. I got yelled at and treated like I was shit (oh yeah, this person used to call me shit a lot too). What made it worse is that I actually admired and liked this person very much, so I ended up really taking it to heart that I was worthless and all that, which got me really depressed. I remember I wanted to kill myself and also was completely numbed out to life, and somehow everything I tried to do at the time resulted in failure. It was like I had this force in me that told me I couldn't accomplish anything.
The thing is, the more I tried to do what this person expected me to do, the more failures he would see in me. So eventually I found out the reason I felt bad about myself was not on the level of what I was doing, and that I had this whole structure of ideas in my head that reasulted on this: "He is good, therefore he is right -> He says I am wrong, therefore I am bad".
Even if you don't have a person like that by your side, the society we live in serves the purpose of putting us down. We all get the idea that if we aren't the most handsome, the most talented, the most intelligent than we are worthless.
In my story I found out that this person was not so perfect. I found out that I was not so imperfect. I found out that I did a lot of good things, and a lot of bad things as well. I found out that my imperfection is precisely what makes me human, and precisely the thing that makes me relate to other human beings with compassion and openness.
So even when you screw up you are expressing your true nature. Self esteem has a lot to do with a comparison we do between us and an ideal self. But that ideal self doesn't exist, it's just an illusion to which we add a tablespoon of juiciness (which is another illusion).
The same way I had someone by my side that treated me like badly and I thought he was wonderful (when he was not - but I added a tablespoon of juiciness to him), you might as well have this idea of perfection in your head telling you you are unworthy, and you think it is wonderful. "Oh that's right, I suck. If only I could be as good as you, my perfect imaginary self...", when in fact this idea of perfection is the very thing that imprisons you, so it has a very ugly side to it. It is not perfect at all.
Maybe this perspective might help you a bit. That's all I have to share.