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Question about love/ a relationship

venusian13venusian13
edited February 2010 in Buddhism Basics
I've been on the path for almost 6 months now. I attended a day class Sunday on Love, Desire & Attachment, and am finding myself with a question...
I do have a clearer understanding of what the true meaning of love is; holding a sincere wish for our partner to be happy. Now, what is to be said about a partner who abuses me (emotionally)? I have had patience and would like to see what will happen over time once I apply my new knowledge to the situation... but what should I do when I am abused? Is it too much to express my need to NOT be spoken to in such a way or to be treated so badly?

Comments

  • shenpennangwashenpennangwa
    edited February 2010
    venusian13 wrote: »
    I've been on the path for almost 6 months now. I attended a day class Sunday on Love, Desire & Attachment, and am finding myself with a question...
    I do have a clearer understanding of what the true meaning of love is; holding a sincere wish for our partner to be happy. Now, what is to be said about a partner who abuses me (emotionally)? I have had patience and would like to see what will happen over time once I apply my new knowledge to the situation... but what should I do when I am abused? Is it too much to express my need to NOT be spoken to in such a way or to be treated so badly?

    just because you're a Buddhist doesnt mean you have to be a doormat.
    Abusive relationships are not conducive to practice. You should stand up for yourself and express your need to be in a healthy relationship.
    Nobody should have to put up with an abusive partner.
  • Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
    edited February 2010
    Get out!!!!
  • venusian13venusian13
    edited February 2010
    Thank you. I feel as though my past projection of fear, anxiety and depression onto my partner has led him to behave this way at times, which is why I've been sympathetic, understanding and patient with him. I am trying very, very hard to heal the relationship with love, but it just doesn't seem to work well when he's doing just the opposite.
  • shenpennangwashenpennangwa
    edited February 2010
    venusian13 wrote: »
    Thank you. I feel as though my past projection of fear, anxiety and depression onto my partner has led him to behave this way at times, which is why I've been sympathetic, understanding and patient with him. I am trying very, very hard to heal the relationship with love, but it just doesn't seem to work well when he's doing just the opposite.

    if he is abusing you in any way, its time to break up.
    Just because you terminate a relationship doesnt mean you are harboring any ill-will toward the other person or are in some way being insensitive or impatient.
    You have to be decisive and do what is best for yourself before you can start to do anything for others.
  • Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
    edited February 2010
    There is no justification for abuse. If you feel abused, then you need to seperate yourself. You can have compassion for him, you can understand that he is abusing because of xyz..., but abuse does not stop it only gets worse.
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited February 2010
    Your doing an abusive person a favor by breaking off. They might get the chance to see that their behaviour is negative. It is by seeing what we are doing that a lot of the healing comes. The same is true for you too. By seeing why you feel a need to stay in the relationship despite abuse I think some healing will come. By being honest about why you want to stay. Sometimes for awhile we cannot change things but just by seeing what is going on that is a big step. In time we get the courage to open to what is going in and from that we develop even more clarity of what is going on. Next comes a response from sensitivity often to shut down more and keep it back in the old pattern. But if we open again and look at what is happening the increased clarity that generates (again) will eventually break us out of the habitual negative pattern and a sensitive response that is appropriate and healthy will eventually develop. Its a similar teaching to mindfulness. But basicly you have confidence that you as a person has fundamental sanity if so long as you open to a situation. As you get more open to a situation your natural confidence and discernment increase and an appropriate to the context response(s) eventually come up. At the heart of it is confidence in yourself to be aware and sensitive so long as you open. By open I mean that when for example an uncomfortable feeling comes up or perception (honesty) that you don't 'fill space' (perhaps by reacting somehow outwardly even) and try to dull out that discomfort but instead go with it and sit with it and see what is born from that darkness?? perhaps? For some people 'let it be' or 'don't fill space' makes more sense to them than 'open'.
  • BrigidBrigid Veteran
    edited February 2010
    Hi Venusian,

    Even though you feel "as though my past projection of fear, anxiety and depression onto my partner has led him to behave this way at times...", it hasn't. Your partner's abuse comes from him and him alone. If he was with someone else, he'd still be abusive if his partner let him.

    Get out. Break up with him. Run. And when he asks why, tell him it's because he's abusive, you don't deserve it (nor does anyone else), and you're not going to take it anymore.

    If you stay this will escalate and one day you're going to get hit. The final act could be your death at his hands. So I'll beg you if I have to, but get out.

    Welcome to the board by the way.
  • BrotherBobBrotherBob
    edited February 2010
    GET OUT NOW!!

    you appear to be enabling the abuse!!

    P.S. I know about this stuff. I was abused and an abuser. I also spent many years in prison witnessing man after man coming through those gates because they lost control and killed their girlfriend or wife.

    You need to get to a safe place so he can also be safe from his uncontrollable rage!
  • FoibleFullFoibleFull Canada Veteran
    edited February 2010
    venusian13 wrote: »
    Thank you. I feel as though my past projection of fear, anxiety and depression onto my partner has led him to behave this way at times, which is why I've been sympathetic, understanding and patient with him. I am trying very, very hard to heal the relationship with love, but it just doesn't seem to work well when he's doing just the opposite.

    Dear, I used to work in a battered woman's shelter. The common portrait of the abused is that they think it is their fault, and they find creative rationalizations/reasons to stay.

    Your relationship will not heal with love ... I have a dear friend who has stayed in a psychologically-abusive marriage for 42 years. She started practicing Buddhism 15 years ago, and has learned great compassion over those 15 years, but ... this relationship has not healed with love.

    While Buddhism acknowledges that all relationships have difficulties and that we should view those difficulties as opportunities, Buddhism does NOT support staying in an abusive relationship (read Pema Chodron).

    Instead of trying to heal a relationship that will not heal, it is time to heal yourself. Yes, GET OUT NOW, before you become so entrenched that you spend 42 years there!
  • NiosNios Veteran
    edited February 2010
    Namo Amida Butsu, Namo Amida Butsu, Namo Amida Butsu.
    Please, leave him.
  • MountainsMountains Veteran
    edited February 2010
    I will throw my ball in as well - get out! Abuse stems from within him, and has nothing whatsoever to do with you or your actions. Get out before things get out of hand. You'll be doing both of you a favor.

    Peace,

    Mtns
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