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Lam Rim and my Mother!
Tosh
Veteran
For the past six weeks or so I've been doing the Lam Rim meditations in Geshe Kelsang Gyatso's book The New Meditation Handbook, and closely reading The Heart of the Buddha's Teachings, and I'm enjoying my progress so far with one exception that seems silly; but from the anonymous safety of an internet forum, I'm going to ask anyway:
It's my Mother! Some of the Lam Rim meditations are written in a style that doesn't take her into account. For example, "Having become convinced that all living beings are our mothers, we contemplate the immense kindness we have received from each of them...".
Well, to be honest and without giving a sob story, my Mother wasn't that kind at all; she was a very cold,distant, and callous woman; I escaped into the army at age 16 to get away from her and now I'm aged 40 we haven't had any contact in years. I don't even know if she is alive or dead.
I find it difficult to conjure up an image of a loving Mother when I haven't had one; the meditations that mention 'mothers' don't exactly upset me; but maybe they do? But I'm not comfortable with it.
Instead I imagine my dog as my Mother in a previous life, since he's loving, forgiving, non-judgemental (the qualities that I would've liked my Mother to have) and work from there (that would sound daft outside of Buddhist circles).
Has anyone any advice or experience on this?
It's my Mother! Some of the Lam Rim meditations are written in a style that doesn't take her into account. For example, "Having become convinced that all living beings are our mothers, we contemplate the immense kindness we have received from each of them...".
Well, to be honest and without giving a sob story, my Mother wasn't that kind at all; she was a very cold,distant, and callous woman; I escaped into the army at age 16 to get away from her and now I'm aged 40 we haven't had any contact in years. I don't even know if she is alive or dead.
I find it difficult to conjure up an image of a loving Mother when I haven't had one; the meditations that mention 'mothers' don't exactly upset me; but maybe they do? But I'm not comfortable with it.
Instead I imagine my dog as my Mother in a previous life, since he's loving, forgiving, non-judgemental (the qualities that I would've liked my Mother to have) and work from there (that would sound daft outside of Buddhist circles).
Has anyone any advice or experience on this?
0
Comments
http://www.thubtenchodron.org/GradualPathToEnlightenment/articles_and_transcripts_of_teachings_on_lamrim.html
Thubten Chodron's website has a lot of information on Lam Rim. She also has a CD with guided Lam Rim meditations, which the content is somewhere in the website as a PDF file. It is a great website.
Your mother was suffering. And through her suffering, she focussed her suffering and aimed it at, and offloaded it all, on you.
She was unkind? Cruel? Heartless? Insensitive? As non-Maternal as any woman could be?
Yes, I guess so, if you had to make your escape at 16.
And I'm sorry for that.
I am fortunate that I hold both my parents in high esteem. I love them very much, and have a great deal of respect for them, and admiration for their achievements.
I haven't always liked them though. My, we've had a few barnies....!
I mentioned this line of thinking to my mother once....that all beings have been our Mothers in the past - and she replied - quite sensibly, I thought - that it followed I had been her Mother too, then, in some past life....
She thought I probably did a better job of being a Mum than she has....
I personally don't think it should be taken as literally as this. I personally believe that, as - symbolically and traditionally - the Mother-Child relationship is supposed to be the closest one, and the one which demonstrates the strongest bond, we're simply meant to understand, accept, believe, consider (what you will) that at one point or another, every being was someone with whom we had close ties.
That's not to say we always got on. I mean, name me one parent-child relationship where conflict never, ever arose, and the love was rosy-lensed and perfect...
But we need to digest the fact that the possibility exists that every being was at one time, part of our close social and emotional sphere.
Therefore, it's equally possible, we were part of theirs.
which really, just brings us to the present.
And the obvious fact that every being we encounter and interact with, has an influence, in some way, on how we respond, and that equally, we are influential on how they perceive the encounter they have with us.
And as such, we need to simply consider beings deserving of loving kindness and compassion. Whether they actually merit such a consideration or not.
we give it, because it's what it's right to do.
Simple?
Definitely.
Easy?
Oooh, no, absolutely not.
Part of Practice?
Yup. I'll say......
So, I imagine being in the embrace of the one who loves me and I love most deeply in life and form my intentions to express all my gratitude, appreciation, and love to them, in that embrace.
When I started posting on this forum I used Hugs! as a sign-off.
Some folks got kinda testy about this. I use that term to express what I just wrote about embracing a loved one to all others.
Palzang offered me Shugs (Shalom and Hugs) and the newest rendition is Smugs! (Smiles and Hugs) from another friend.
So, Smugs! all and I really mean it!! :wavey:
Palzang
Though you probably wouldn't remember that far back, just picture what our Mother's would have had to go through when pregnant; the sickness, the pains, and so forth. And this was all before we were born. (Perhaps one of the other "Mom's could put this into better perspective?) Then when we were first born, feeding us, and basically taking care of our every need when we were in no position to care for ourselves...not to mention all the dirty diapers...
I think that because of their great care when we were newborn's, we were able to grow old enough where we could then take care of ourselves.
My mom was hell-on-wheels. I decided it was easier to imagine others being my children than to imagine others being my mother (woah!). My sister dissuaded me from that approach, saying that while imagining others as your children does help develop compassion, it does not help develop the humility and gratitude that gives the "oomph" behind compassion. The parent is always a bit "superior" to the child (being the protector and being older and wiser) and Buddhist compassion is not meant to be undertaken from a position of superiority, but instead from a position of humility and respect.
Fedrica: I do realise that my Mother was suffering and I have looked at things from her point of view; very much so; I've even discussed these issues with another person (I believe this is a Buddhist thing, but I did it as part of the Programme of Alcoholics Anonymous). She moved from Japan to Newcastle (England) with a newly married alcoholic husband who worsened over the years, her English wasn't good, the difference in culture was huge, and she had unrealistic expectations of what she wanted me to be (a doctor
Pietro, thanks, that helps.
Brother Bob, it's good to know that it's not only me that has had trouble with this sort of thing.
Palzang, Mani, and Foiblefull, that doesn't really help. I know I was an accident and very nearly aborted (it was legalised in Japan not long before I was conceived). I know this because when I was about 13, I was told by my Mother that she'd wished she had done so.
I think I shall have to put this issue in a box, put it away, and maybe bring it out again at a later stage when I'm a little bit more wiser maybe.
Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
Tosh
Discussion, airing concerns and sharing views is a great way to see the picture more clearly, from different perspectives.
I think you know full well what you should do.
You know full well what you need to do.
It's really, just 'doing' it, isn't it?
I suspect this is a similar issue to that faced by HH DL when considering his position with the Chinese, or very much as Gandhi must have felt when having to confront and negotiate with the British.
Maybe, yes, on a smaller scale, but I guess the challenge of conquering the destructive emotions conflicting with the "ought to" constructive responses, is pretty much there.....
I wish you well.
With much Metta.