Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Negative, non-Buddhist spouse.
Those of you who have non-buddhist spouses, how do you deal with the differences? My husband is a very negative person anymore, and often frustrated. What's the best way to deal with a spouse that's like this? I've tried to help him out, help him stop seeing so much through ego, but I don't want to push anything on him. I want to help, but I'm also finding it hard to be around someone who's always so negative. I've gotten past letting other people hurt me with remarks, that doesn't get to me anymore. But I also can't let myself be a doormat, right? I'm trying to cultivate peace in my life, and that's getting somewhat difficult when I feel like I always have to concentrate on him, and make him feel better. it's interfering with my practice, but I don't want to abandon him when I know he's having a difficult time. Any advice?
0
Comments
Your husband is your teacher, Miranda. That is, if you choose to stay with him.
Such a difficult situation. It calls for extraordinary patience, equanimity and compassion. You may not have been able to develop such qualities at this stage in your practice.
It may help to start with being honest with him. Let him know how his mental state affects you and requires of you that you may not have in evidence. You can also let him know that you feel helpless in the face of his suffering, and that you want to help him but don't know how.
You may have to just sit with your limitations. You can be his wife and friend but perhaps not his therapist or spiritual advisor. You can share with him if he's open to it how the dharma helps you.
Your husband may need medication and therapy. There could be reasons that he is so negative that have nothing to do with you. He may have issues from his past that haunt him.
If his behavior hurts you tell him that. Be as honest as possible. Help him by telling him the truth of how things are for you.
Make sure you get breaks of relief from him. Seeing a counselor yourself may not be a bad idea. He may not be capable of changing but perhaps you are.
This is why we are with those we love. Because we nurture one another's emotional needs, and help each other grow. We need love, support, guidance and understanding from the person we love. We need appreciation and commitment.
If you need all this from him - then be sure to give it, too.
But silently.
Your actions, attitude and opinion - steeped in Buddhism - will speak more about you than anything you could say.
Lead by example.
Be a calm person, within your home, and outside of it. When he flies off the handle, be soothing, lay a hand on his arm, and tell him - via your touch - that you understand.
I have had to do this with my partner, and although he still has his moments, he is so much calmer than before......
As someone who is also a former counsellor, I will take a different tack to SkyDancer and more along the lines of Fede. You are also his teacher and need to remember this when he tests you. Yes, he does need to see someone as he may indeed have depression, bi polar (although you don't state if he goes through manic periods or times of intense highs) or another form of mental illness which needs to be addressed. I WILL agree with SkyDancer that his past may be affecting him and that it really doesn't reflect on you. (However, I would assume (and I know how bad that can be) that you are at least aware of some of his past and would have been before getting married).
I have often found - and this is just personal reflection here - that at times I've just had to "harden up" and deal with things in life. This is when I have had to really apply the Buddha's teachings and get out of my comfort zone. It has also been a resounding cosmic slap upside the head that following Buddhism is not a gold pass to nirvana or an easier life. Often when I've become complacent or a tad smug about how well I am coping with life, samsara serves up stuff on a silver platter.
I think your subsequent post sums it up well. You love your husband so you take on his suffering too (which is an admirable trait and a good Boddhisattva in training
And once again, I reiterate, please encourage him to seek help with his issues. Even a slight form of medication may make all the difference. I've had some clients in the past who had a massive relief just even KNOWING there was a name for what they were feeling and they weren't the only ones.
Respectfully,
Raven
That way he will become more and more enclined for kindness - and its also wonderful for your relationship. Dont comment on his negativety, as that will probably make him more negative. Try and imagine yourself in a bad mood, and someone comes up and points out how negative you are.... doesnt really help does it?
It might take a while - people doesnt change over night. But im quite sure that, if you positively reinforce his kindness with your love, he will slowly become more and more positive.
We all need love and kindness - and especially negative people, since they dont have the abilety to be kind and loving with themselves.
This is just my thoughts - i dont know you or your husband, but kindness is usually the best medicine for lives problems.
Much love
Allan
Miranda,
Would it be better if your husband was a negative Buddhist one? Or a positive Evangelical Christian one?
Maybe I'm reading too much into your phrasing but could it be that a part of your dilemma is that somewhow you want your husband to be a "Buddhist" and he feels that?
By the way, my wife doesn't share my fascination with Buddhism (even though she seems to like the philosophy) or my meditation practice but that isn't a problem. I have my own way of being happy inside, she has hers, and we both accept that. Actually, I am blessed in that she is frequently more positive than me and I often find her attitude really helpful.
But then again, Buddhism for me isn't a religion but rather a view of life that appeals to me. I think that some people who've never heard of Buddhism actually follow very Buddhist ways. One of those ways in my understanding, is to avoid the labeling or categorizing of people like the plague, that being the product of the ego (and therefore always faulty). "Non-Buddhist", if the term was used by me, would definitely be a label.
My supposition above may very well be baseless for which I humbly apologize. Best of luck and peace be upon your household!
PS. I acknowledge that there are very negative people who are often cynical, angry, bitter or pessimistic out there. The way I deal with them is by avoiding dealing with them altogether. I am lucky that no one I have to deal with is like that, at least not all the way.
:uphand:
Mainly, she sees that I've grown happier and calmer as I've embraced my practice, and she respects the results.
We have the normal married couple stuff. We have 2 kids and a small farm of animals in the house, so there's quite a bit of chaos. It can create flared tempers, but we somehow manage to sort it all out before an argument ensues.
Also, <i>Conscious Loving</i> by Hendricks and Hendricks would be a good book for you both to read. It sounds as though he doesn't respect you.
I would be careful about "taking on" your husband's suffering, however, as this comes out of attachment, rather than true compassion and equanimity. Be careful to check that by "taking on" his suffering, you are no in fact resisting the way things are.
:bowdown: