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And relationships change...
A number of years before I discovered the Buddha's teachings (which has happened in the last
year or two), I began to be aware of how everything changes. That realization may be, in part,
why the teachings spoke to me so clearly when I came upon them.
Anyway, along with all those other things that change, relationships change. I'm a big girl now
and I can accept that, for the most part -- except maybe when they change in a way I'm not
comfortable with, LOL -- but I also see that not everybody sees it that way.
I have a dear friend who I've had a very honest and stimulating relationship with for 2 or 3 years now.
We meet for lunch almost every other week. We have a shared recovery from substance abuse, and also
a shared desire for spiritual growth.
From the beginning I felt like this woman's need to have a close relationship was stronger than my
need to. At times I have felt like she was possessive of me, but it never came to a point where I felt
I needed to address it.
Recently I've become involved in a small discussion group, and also in hiking more often than usual,
and the long and short is there isn't as much "spare" time as there used to be (I work a 40-hour week),
and so like most folks I'm prioritizing how I use my time.
I mentioned casually in an email to my friend today that I would be dropping our lunch to every 3 weeks
or so probably through this summer, so I could hike more, etc. I said we could stay in touch via phone
and email in between, as always.
Now I notice my thoughts continue to return to how she will receive this information, suspecting it will
be a disappointment to her, and I'm feeling sad that there is a sense of....imbalance?....in the relationship.
That she is more attached to the relationship than I am. In fact, the more I see her acting as though she
is dependent on our friendship, the more I'm aware that, while I really enjoy it, I don't feel attached to the
relationship itself.
I just needed to air this, to hear myself say it, and there's not many people I can bounce it off of. So,
as this is my sangha for today, I thought I would come here and get it out, and then maybe let it be.
year or two), I began to be aware of how everything changes. That realization may be, in part,
why the teachings spoke to me so clearly when I came upon them.
Anyway, along with all those other things that change, relationships change. I'm a big girl now
and I can accept that, for the most part -- except maybe when they change in a way I'm not
comfortable with, LOL -- but I also see that not everybody sees it that way.
I have a dear friend who I've had a very honest and stimulating relationship with for 2 or 3 years now.
We meet for lunch almost every other week. We have a shared recovery from substance abuse, and also
a shared desire for spiritual growth.
From the beginning I felt like this woman's need to have a close relationship was stronger than my
need to. At times I have felt like she was possessive of me, but it never came to a point where I felt
I needed to address it.
Recently I've become involved in a small discussion group, and also in hiking more often than usual,
and the long and short is there isn't as much "spare" time as there used to be (I work a 40-hour week),
and so like most folks I'm prioritizing how I use my time.
I mentioned casually in an email to my friend today that I would be dropping our lunch to every 3 weeks
or so probably through this summer, so I could hike more, etc. I said we could stay in touch via phone
and email in between, as always.
Now I notice my thoughts continue to return to how she will receive this information, suspecting it will
be a disappointment to her, and I'm feeling sad that there is a sense of....imbalance?....in the relationship.
That she is more attached to the relationship than I am. In fact, the more I see her acting as though she
is dependent on our friendship, the more I'm aware that, while I really enjoy it, I don't feel attached to the
relationship itself.
I just needed to air this, to hear myself say it, and there's not many people I can bounce it off of. So,
as this is my sangha for today, I thought I would come here and get it out, and then maybe let it be.
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Comments
I don't think it's huge, and I don't think it's all that significant - but you're wondering how she will take it, because you imagine that she will miss you and you will leave a bit of a vacuum in her life....
When we ponder the effect of such actions on other people, part of us is flattered that they might feel a little upset by the deprivation of our fuller attention. It gives us a microgram of pleasure to think "I wonder how s/he will take this...? I imagine s/he will be sad, I imagine s/he will miss me, I imagine s/he will be unhappy that this has come to pass...."
So we're basking in the glory of being wanted.
You say throughout (3 times, in fact) that you suspect this woman has deeper feelings for you, than you have for her.... yet you have participated in this frequent exchange, because it has hitherto suited you to do so, all the while knowing that (maybe) she was investing more into this than you were.
you even admit that it gave you a buzz....
so you need to drop the ego, and just let things roll.
And stop trying to second-guess what she might be feeling. Because if you're right.... don't you think your actions have been a little bit self-serving, at her expense....?
Hi Kristen,
Welcome to the site.
I can relate to what you're saying. I've sometimes been the detached one in relationships and I've sometimes been the more dependent one who didn't want a relationship to change at all. Finding Buddhism and learning to accept impermanence has been such an incredibly freeing thing. I feel much less guilt about the relationships in which I was the somewhat detached one and less feelings of loss when I was the more dependent one.
That was awkwardly worded but I think you get what I mean.
I did get what you mean, yes! And what Frederica was saying, of course it is the ego at work.
After sorting through it more, I see that I felt guilty because I "assumed" I'm disappointing a good friend. Also, there is a part of me not comfortable with the level of attachment on her part, and so there is some desire to pull back a bit. And there are also a few more threads to the tapestry.
Analysis paralysis! I can get into it endlessly! It felt good to get it out of my head onto paper, and it helped me to look at it from a different angle yet again. I appreciate the responses.
A while back I was reading a thread that Brigid started at the time that one of her cats started bleeding unexpectedly...I could relate so much to what you were feeling, being someone who shares the daily routine with a number of pets who enhance my life incredibly, but what I was most touched by was the sheer number of compassionate responses. It solidified to me the sense that this is a caring and kind community at its core, and in fact it was the thread that motivated me to finally come out of the closet and post.
Well, totally off topic, LOL, but thought I would share it while I was here.
I'm glad the issue is starting to become clearer to you. It almost always helps me too when I write stuff down. Just the act itself is helpful, isn't it?
And yes, that Pinky thread was a killer. All those beautiful responses! I still can't get over it. What a group of people we have here. And how lucky are we to have found them? It boggles the mind. I've read through that thread a few times and it's made me sob. Just sob. Good sobbing though, of course. Out of gratitude. Sobbing because of the beauty of people. That they took the time to respond and to care. It makes me feel like crying just thinking about it. Lol!! And the kicker, I hardly ever cry. Lol!!
I love this place. I love all my sisters and brothers in the Dhamma. Of course, that's conventional speech. They're not actually mine at all. Lol!!
could you invite this woman to go on the hikes with you? Even if she doesn't like hiking and says no, just being invited is sometimes enough.
My friend is not really in good health and has declined hiking invitations before.
I think the only problem is in my head and my perceptions - no surprise there! This is basically a very honest and caring friendship, and I have to trust that if she is bothered by something she will broach the subject with me, and then we will go from there.
One of the issues in this for me is an old challenge of trying to be everything for everybody. Really a trap, and breeds unhealthy relationships, IMO. Once I saw that, I realized I had to let go (once again) and trust in the process.
Relationships with other humans is, and always has been, the biggest challenge for me. I learned a lot of coping skills when I was a kid that have been a huge hindrance in my adult life, and I've had to spend a lot of time exploring and seeking new skills in order to get by in a minimal level in the world of grown-ups. Most days I would be content with just my pets to deal with. But the truth is, its the human relatonships that help me to see where there is still work to be done. And, I've come far enough to be able to have a few really precious friendships (even within my own family!!) that have brought untold gifts with them.
So, once again I put one foot in front of the other, and know that more is always being revealed (thankfully).