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Forgiving ex-girlfriend
Hey everyone I'm new around these forums and also to Buddism as well. Anyway, I went through a nasty break up about 2 months and I'm still having a tough time dealing with the things and moving on. The relationship with my ex was very strange and complex. To be honest I wanted out of the relationship for a while. She has an awful lot of problems going on in her life as do I. Eventhough I wanted out of the relationship I deeply cared for her. I was so affraid that by breaking up with her it cause her even more problems in her life and I didn't want to cause anymore pain and suffering. But as it turns out she was sneaking around doing a lot of things behind my back. I have reason to believe and have plenty of evidense that she was cheating on me. You would think that I wouldn't care since I wanted out of the relationship but I'm actually really hurt. She used to say how much she loved me and wanted to be with me forever but she was cheating on me...I don't get it. It just sucks because hear I was worrying about her and wanting her to be ok and in the end I get burnt. I don't know...maybe you guys who have been around Buddism for a while can get me some info and advice. I would greatly appreciate it.
Justin
Justin
0
Comments
Hi Justin,
Sounds like you're having a rough time of it letting go of your girlfriend. It's been awhile for me but I remember what's it's like to lose someone and to feel betrayed.
What kind of meditation practice have you been introduced to? There are many ways in which the Buddhist teachings are particularly relevant. I'm thinking of the Four Noble Truths. That was the first Buddhist teaching I ever heard and it helped me to deal with my father's death.
The first noble truth is that 'life is suffering'. You may be able to relate to that truth through the anguish and suffering in your loss/impermanence now.
The second noble truth is 'the causes of suffering'. We suffer because we yearn for what we can't have, because we get what we don't want and because we invest permanence into that which is subject to change.
The third noble truth is that there is such a thing as the extinction of suffering.
The fourth noble truth is the dharma, the path of practice that leads to an end in suffering.
There are many ways to use the dharma to ease your suffering now. One way is to simply open to the truth of how things are. It hurts. That's the way it is right now.
Using the practice of mindfulness of the breath, returning again and again to the breath each time you notice yourself with sticky thoughts of clinging and anger about your girlfriend. Slowly like that you can train to ease the obsession.
Then there is forgiveness practice. Sometimes we have to start by forgiving ourselves. Forgive yourself for your humanness. You're hurt, and sad, and angry. If you can make room for all those feelings in yourself you may eventually find it easier to have a soft spot in your heart for your former girlfriend too. She's human too. She hurt you out of ignorance. Just like you she wants to be happy and just like you she doesn't know how to make herself happy. She creates the causes of suffering. We all create the causes of suffering without really wanting to. We're all in the same boat.
Another practice that can help is to make wishing prayers for yourself and all others.
'May I be happy. May I be free of suffering. May I create the causes of happiness. May I create the cause to be free of suffering. May I never be separated from the path of practice leading to the cessation of suffering. May I be enlightened in order to be of benefit to sentient beings.'
May she be happy. May she be free of suffering. May she create the causes of happiness and may she create the cause to be free of suffering. May she find her true path. May she be enlightened in order to benefit sentient beings.
Whatever small merit I may have generated by sharing the dharma with you I dedicate to the enlightenment of all.
sky
Often times, I view a "cheater" (or someone who behaves like Tiger Woods did) as a hungry ghost. They are constantly looking for some form of fulfillment as they believe it will bring them happiness, but in tern, it only makes them crave more. This ultimately leads to great suffering, not only for them, but for everyone around them.
I think the most important thing to do in your situation is to let go of your anxiety, worries, anger, etc. about the relationship. Holding onto those feelings will not be positive.
Good luck.
I had an identical situation many, many years ago. It took me 8 months to get out for the same reasons as yours. Much later I realized that I did no one any favours by procrastinating.
You cannot change her, all you can do is change yourself. You are not responsible for what she did in the past or what she may do in the future. Those are her choices.
You have your own choices. Work on removing the negative aspects of your life. Understand and believe the Four Noble Truths, and start following the Noble Eight-fold Path.
Les
I don't blame myself at all for what my ex did to me. I know in my heart I did all I could for her...I probably did to much for her actually. LesC you are right, my procrastinationg about getting out of the relationship did nothing but make my life worse. It's just the feeling of betrayal right now that's causing pain.
Your ex has taught you much. First, when you discovered she had been unfaithful, you have had your inclinations confirmed as having been right on. There was something wrong about that relationship.
Second, now that you know she cannot be trusted, she gave you good reason to stay out of that relationship. There may be some pain involved but could you imagine if you had continued on fooling yourself about the true nature of the relationship?
And here is the biggest opportunity she presents you with. Just imagine how much growth is possible if you can be kind and compassionate towards someone who has betrayed you that way. You will come out of this a better man my friend.
Namaste
While not quite so complicated, I came out of a long-term relationship rather painfully a few years ago. In retrospect, this statement is so much more true than I ever realized.
It's not too hard to be compassionate to yourself. The positive effects of being compassionate to friends is obvious in the longer term. Developing a positive attitude when dealing with strangers is trying, but ultimately a matter of changing habits.
A former relationship partner, however, is the most common form of an "enemy" we encounter in first world countries, especially if dishonesty was involved, methinks. Thinks about it: They make us angry, we want them to suffer by instinct, and they make us very insecure about our weaknesses. Know that yes, feeling compassionate towards her is going to be very trying. But at the same time, this is one of your greater challenges; I believe this is a fork in the road, where a person can decide: Do I want to become frigid from this experience, or do I want to use this experience to cultivate warmth and kindness?
Specifically, I think you know what Buddhism would tell you to do in this situation: Be kind. Speak honestly. Don't let your ego overwhelm you. From there, it's a matter of clarity and willpower, and I wish you luck in both.
Try metta meditation.
now, what's really important?
any new ideas?
I see what you mean Bob.
Last night I downloaded some talks about forgivness and listened to them, I also went back into some of the books and re read the parts about forgiveness, and I did some meditation. After all that I'm feeling a little better. I also realized I need to forgive myself for a lot of stuff I did in the past.
Your right. This situation isn't the first time something like this has happened to me. I had an almost identical expirence back when I was in my early 20's. It hurt and I felt betrayed for a while but I eventually forgot about her foir the most part. I'm feeling a littler better everyday. If I start to think about my ex and I get angery I try to change my thoughts and focus on something else. Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it.