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Anger
Mr_Serenity
Veteran
Anger is like a piece of hot coal, when you throw it at someone they just bounce it back or toss it away.
That is a Buddhist quote someone told me. However, my anger may be a bit different. I am angry often, but I don't often show it. No one knows how hard things really are for me and the types of things I feel. I don't have many friends.
I spent more time learning Martial arts than the time I spent in High school. I went to an independent type study school that just ended up in total failure, I don't even think they still do it. I blame them mostly for me not learning anything from them or even coming out of there with a diploma (they kicked me out due to age). I honestly learned a lot more important things in a dojo, backyard, and park. Because of this I don't have many real friends that are around my age. Maybe 4, maybe less. And out of those friends maybe none ever ask me how I am doing or have a real conversation with me.
When bad shit happens to me, all I have is myself. The last year, it has been the worst for me and I had to handle it all alone. There are two people I spoke to sometimes, but they only know a fraction of what I dealt with. The stuff I dealt with was pretty hard on me. Almost every morning I wake up I am surprised that my heart still beats. I give my heart credit, it is strong, and I appreciate it for remaining that way as long as it does.
I guess that stuff above me it is about loneliness. But now, here comes the anger. My life is a struggle. Most days where I try to be productive it is a fight. I can't find a job, and I've been looking for months. I lost count of the applications I filled and I've never even gotten one phone call or email about it. The last week I didn't even charge my cell phone when it ran out of battery because I knew I wouldn't get calls.
I charged it again a few days ago and I was right I didn't get any. I always give 110% to everything I do, even when I fill applications, but that hasn't been working for me. So now I made business cards and I walk into peoples stores ask for a job the nicest I can and then thank them for their time, and insist they take my business card if they reject me.
It's a good card, I made sure it was memorable and that people wanted to keep it when they saw it. That's the type of stuff I have to do to try to survive, and I still don't know if I will actually be able to. Life has been real hard for me, on several levels even with my positive thinking and my will, it's all a fight.
I get angry often that other people have it so easy. I know people that got hook up jobs like nothing or cars from their family, and my ass is traveling the city on public transportation, walking miles, bumming around handing my business cards to people. Still no phone calls.
But I still don't give up, because my heart hasn't yet. Though I am growing tired, and I worry about the state of my lonely mind. I listen to music most of the day because I have to, to balance my mind.
That is a Buddhist quote someone told me. However, my anger may be a bit different. I am angry often, but I don't often show it. No one knows how hard things really are for me and the types of things I feel. I don't have many friends.
I spent more time learning Martial arts than the time I spent in High school. I went to an independent type study school that just ended up in total failure, I don't even think they still do it. I blame them mostly for me not learning anything from them or even coming out of there with a diploma (they kicked me out due to age). I honestly learned a lot more important things in a dojo, backyard, and park. Because of this I don't have many real friends that are around my age. Maybe 4, maybe less. And out of those friends maybe none ever ask me how I am doing or have a real conversation with me.
When bad shit happens to me, all I have is myself. The last year, it has been the worst for me and I had to handle it all alone. There are two people I spoke to sometimes, but they only know a fraction of what I dealt with. The stuff I dealt with was pretty hard on me. Almost every morning I wake up I am surprised that my heart still beats. I give my heart credit, it is strong, and I appreciate it for remaining that way as long as it does.
I guess that stuff above me it is about loneliness. But now, here comes the anger. My life is a struggle. Most days where I try to be productive it is a fight. I can't find a job, and I've been looking for months. I lost count of the applications I filled and I've never even gotten one phone call or email about it. The last week I didn't even charge my cell phone when it ran out of battery because I knew I wouldn't get calls.
I charged it again a few days ago and I was right I didn't get any. I always give 110% to everything I do, even when I fill applications, but that hasn't been working for me. So now I made business cards and I walk into peoples stores ask for a job the nicest I can and then thank them for their time, and insist they take my business card if they reject me.
It's a good card, I made sure it was memorable and that people wanted to keep it when they saw it. That's the type of stuff I have to do to try to survive, and I still don't know if I will actually be able to. Life has been real hard for me, on several levels even with my positive thinking and my will, it's all a fight.
I get angry often that other people have it so easy. I know people that got hook up jobs like nothing or cars from their family, and my ass is traveling the city on public transportation, walking miles, bumming around handing my business cards to people. Still no phone calls.
But I still don't give up, because my heart hasn't yet. Though I am growing tired, and I worry about the state of my lonely mind. I listen to music most of the day because I have to, to balance my mind.
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Comments
Namaste
I'm sorry to hear of your suffering.
The qoute you are refering to actaully goes more like this;
"Holding on to anger is like picking up a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone. You are the one that gets burned"
In otherwords, your anger makes you suffer just as much (or more so) than other people. It's a great teaching because it shows how distructive anger can be and I'm sure you can relate to it.
Also, bottling things up is not very skillfull, this will also make you suffer. It's good to have someone to talk to, whether it's friends, family, a doctor or even this forum.
Hang in there.
Nios
It seems life has dealt you a few knocks, but my impression it has not affected your spirit & let me first say: I admire you for that!
Stories of success usually start out with lots of set-backs, rejections or just plain adversity. I truly believe that hanging in there is the way to achieve your goal (assuming there's no need for adjusting / changing certain aspects of your life first).
Finding a job is tough as nails these days I'm sure, but keep doing what you do, and you will prevail. Just as tip, making a good impression (as you do by being friendly/polite) counts, but never forget appearance. By that I mean, it's statistically proven that dressing "right" can marginally improve your results as well neat appearence in general. I'm sure u know this, but it can never be said enough. Sometimes it's unfair, but keep your goal in sight.
Good friends are hard to come by anyhow, your lucky if you have one real good friend, quality is what counts.
I'm into marital arts myself, just out interest, what is it that you do? It serves as an excellent way to find physchal balance in life, so although things may look grim now, I am sure you can AND WILL make it!
Buddhist perspective:
Indeed do NOT hold on to anger, meditate if necessary (should come easy to your with a martial arts background), it's only going to cost you energy that is better invested in other things.
Let us know how you are doing!
All the best!
Hank
When Buddha said, “Suffering is,” what he was referencing was the natural state of our human mind, when it isn’t trained, is to be dissatisfied. Everyone is basically dissatisfied from the ‘get go.’
The first thing we do when we are born is to cry. ; ^ ) We aren’t born laughing.
Generally we look outside of our selves at other people and circumstances to see why we are dissatisfied or suffering. It seems like the sensible thing to do. But, blame will never take this suffering away, In fact, blaming is often a perfect fuel for creating anger, and “Boy, that hurts like a son-of-a gun.” : ^ )
Now we have two problems, we are both suffering from our original dissatisfaction, and we’ve added burning in the hell fires of our own anger. Can’t call that an improvement.
Anger no matter how we try to control it by keeping it in, always seems to seep out around the edges and effect those around us. Maybe our voice may be a bit too sharp. Or occasionally we might slip up and say something although true, still very hurtful to another. We may not be considerate in some necessary way that would cement a friendship. On top of that, our face may appear hard, and angry to others without our noticing it, and on and on.
Now we have no friends, and we can’t figure out why, because in our own minds we were trying so hard to be good. So our problems are mounting up geometrically. We are dissatisfied, we are angry, and darn it if that’s not enough, now we don’t have any friends either.
We have no one to talk to, no one to ask for advice, or to soothe our tired brow, and we are getting more and more lonely.
The only thing one can do at this point, in order to stop this snowball from rolling down the hill, faster and faster, and growing even larger by the minute, is to change our whole perspective. This is where Buddhism, if you will let it, will come to your rescue. Buddhism is all about seeing things in a new way, and in so doing erasing your suffering.
You don’t have to go it alone. People at this forum can be your e-friends on this new journey towards personal satisfaction. True satisfaction, incidentally, the only way out of suffering. But, this ‘Satisfaction” must be found within you. No one, and no set of circumstances can give it to you. It simply is not found out there or in others.
So turn around and begin your journey inward, my new friend. You will be glad you did. Peace will start to trickle into your life, right away, in many little ways.
Ask anyone here about this. We are all suffering from something, and finding relief in this manner I speak of.
Have you ever tried the practice of watching your breath as a way to calm yourself, and also stepping back from your immediate problems? I can tell you honestly that it really helped me drop a good deal of my anger, and my knee jerk propensity to blame others for my pain? Just wondering. Not selling anything here.
Peace is a skill,
S9
Allbuddha Bound,
Perhaps my anger in form of stubbornness and drive has helped me some and maybe that has actually been my strongest ally. Though, I don't want to ever seem angry or bitter to new people I meet in person, regardless of how hard that may be. I have had several lingering health problems over the last two years. I believe the health issues I dealt with were primarily stress related. I overcame them just from my drive alone to continue my treatment till I was healed.
Nios,
Thank you for the full quote. I try many things to try to get rid of my anger, though it seems that my life is filled with things to aggravate it often. I have adversary to overcome on a daily basis. And the longer I stay without a job I feel the longer I will keep getting more angry at the society I live in, it just gets frustrating. Though I am really trying my best to stay positive and keep trying.
Hank777,
Thanks for your admiration of my spirit. I was born under the sign of the Taurus and the Tiger, so I am probably the most stubborn and spirited type of person around lol. I have experience in Chen Taichi, Jujitsu, Bagua, Bak Fu Pai, Qigong and Kendo. Kendo is the martial art I have studied the longest. There was an instance when I was 16 years old where I really thought I was a dead man. I surprisingly survived my ordeal and when I did, I realized I wanted to practice Kendo. For some reason the samurai like philosophies of Kendo just naturally resonate with my soul, it often makes me wonder if my past life was of a samurai.
From that I was introduced to a lot of zen and also came into Buddhism that way. Kendo has had a tremendous impact on my life. Because of the type of high school I went to I was not around people often (it was a bit like homeschool) and because of that I became agoraphobic and was not good socially. I have come a real long way, since then. And it was due to Kendo that gave me the courage to stare adversary in the face and to try to overcome and beat it no matter what.
People who now know me personally are very surprised to learn I used to be that way.
And for my appearance, this is something I have to work hard to maintain on a daily basis. Since I dealt with so much stress last year and had no friends to really turn to about it, it showed up in my skin.
Even with my will being as strong as it was, my body has its limits, and my skin began to show it. I had to take a few weeks break from my job searching just based on how bad my skin was. I practice my Qigong more frequently now and take pills for that and my skin looks significantly improved from two months ago, almost normal if you ignore a scar I have.
Subjectivity9,
The signs of anger you speak about, I work hard to cover it up. But I often wonder if people are afraid of my aura. Sometimes I get so angry that I want to be put in a field of 100 men and I want to fight all of them with my bare hands. I feel like with my anger alone I could over come them and then when the fight is over my anger would be gone. I feel like my anger is so strong that one man would have to train a million years to beat me in a fight.
So thoughts like that, even though I try to get rid of them I wonder if it changes the air around me. Or like you said the tone in my voice or the sharpness in my face. I try my best to be a kind person to people and smile when they stare at me out of the blue, but I still get the feeling that I may make people cautious with my presence even though I don't mean harm. I never yell at people, call them names, though I am very honest. I just speak to people the way I'd want to be talked to in return.
I think the friends I have they often don't know what to say after they learn of my hardships then they rather not talk to me. So it makes me wonder if I really should tell anything relevant to my friends at all, and I get reluctant to talk to them about serious matters.
I often feel like people may think I am crazy or fear me. But since I am so different I am not afraid of anyone. Often random homeless people talk to me on the street, like they know I am not afraid of them and they know I won't judge them, and they often have better conversations with me than my friends.
About the breathing you speak of, I practice Qigong. The foundation of Qigong is through different breathing exercises, it's almost a form of mediation I'd say. It has helped me with my stress and anxiety in a pinch many times. My Qigong teacher is also a good Buddhist that inspires me. I often wonder if my natural blood lust for fighting perhaps is too strong in me to be a Buddhist, but the nature of my Qigong teacher and many other Buddhists is inspiring to me.
Inspiring enough to really consider many Buddhist teachings and to try to improve my life and nature with them.
Many of us here are martial artists, myself included. Qigong is wonderful practice and can be very benificial from a meditative point of view.
I am usually an angry person and metta meditation has worked wonders for me. http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm it's very hard at first and can seem very "new-age-y" but it's around 2500 years old.
Hang in there
It isn’t possible to be angry without being afraid at some deeper level of your psyche. Fear and anger go together like a yin/yang thing. Thinking you could have one without the other would be like thinking you could have up without down.
In fact, fear is at its root of anger in a natural way. Fear is the most basic emotion of the human species, and I don’t believe anyone is without it, because it is a survival mechanism. Without fear you couldn’t survive. It is meant to warn you about danger.
Even the word anxiety means a fear of the future.
Let me share with you something that came into my mind after reading your words.
It sounded to me like at first you were afraid, and it showed up in your agoraphobia. So in order to cope, you compensated by getting angry and feeling this would protect you in some way. But perhaps you just might have overcompensated, and now you are afraid of your own anger. Like a catch-22. : ^ (
If I were you I would try taking some nice deep diaphragmatic breathes, whenever I overwhelmed with anger. This would directly quiet your nervous system and calm you both physically and mentally.
And do try some form of meditation. You need the space my friend.
Lastly, everything your mind thinks, isn’t RIGHT just because you are thinking it. You need not honor every thought. Start removing some of the thoughts that don’t work in you. Start reprogramming thoughts that work to your benefit. If this is confusing to you we can speak further.
Peace is a skill,
S9
Thanks for your incite. I understand why you may think I may be afraid on a deeper level, but I am past the stage were fear stops me. If fear were to stop me I would not be able to do the things I do. I was once at the stage were I almost had a mental breakdown trying to register for a community college just because of the dramatic change in atmosphere that I wasn't used to.
Since then I regularly wander around crowds because I am no longer afraid. In fact I had to deal with the predicament I feared the most even more than death over the last year. I lost the person most dear to me, who I considered my second half, and whom was my biggest motivation. But that is done and over with. So any serious fears I had are a thing of the past. I live now with almost nothing to lose and everything to gain. When you live like that there are not many fears that ever hold control of you.
My anger has dwindled down significantly since I made this topic, hopefully it lasts a good while this way. But my anger when it comes, I feel it mainly comes from the fact that my life is a struggle. It comes from the fact that I try my ass off and rarely have material (money) to show for it. I have to recycle many bags of cans and bottles just to get money to take the bus in order to look for jobs. The government doesn't help me.
I have a list of hardships probably much longer than most people my age. That list is what makes me angry. Though I am working daily to shorten it.
I am very happy to hear that you are feeling some better. Are you doing something differently, or have you added something to your life that brought about this nice change, or is it just your good luck returning?
I am sorry for your recent loss, and the hardships that seem to be piling up in your life. One good thing though, “When you are that far down, the only way is up.” : ^ )
Kind regards,
S9
The one thing that you seem to fear at this time, is anger. When you try to suppress emotion, you struggle. Acting out of anger can be a struggle with our environment. Embracing your anger rather than trying to get rid of it, can be as therapeutic as being loving, compassionate and patient with yourself. In fact, embracing anger is a form of acceptance you gift yourself with. It is also a force in your life. One that can be directed in a very creative and positive way. Be thankful this anger part of you exists. It has a lot to teach you. Let it be your teacher, not your master.
Namaste
That is very good advice. Because fighting with ourselves, or “stuffing” our anger inside, can sometimes keep us from finding our real root problem, which is hiding behind what we wrongfully think to be our problem, disguised, until we are ready to face it.
Loving ourselves and accepting our self just as we find ourselves to be, at least temporarily, will strengthen us in a way that will pay off later when w are able to finally face our real/root problem in a way that is compassionate towards ourselves.
I knew an elderly lady who got really obsessive about her teeth. It seems that she was afraid that they would all fall out on her, if she didn’t give them really special attention. She was going to the dentist weekly, sometimes 2 times a week.
The poor dentist couldn’t convince her that there was absolutely nothing wrong with her teeth. In fact, I bet with all the attention she had previously given them, she probably had the best teeth in Florida, if not the whole USA. He/He/He.
Turned out that she was really afraid of death.
I guess we all have something we can’t face. Even that must be allowed to cure itself in a timely fashion.
Compassion is a healing elixir that starts at home.
Kind Regards,
S9
this could be an option for you, i don't know, it won't be any harm to suggest it.
i think it's $20 to get a one year membership that gives you access to a large farm directory of organic farms throughout the US. many of the farms at the very minimum provide free room and board, that is they give you somewhere to sleep and generally all the food you need in exchange for a certain amount of hours working on their farm. i've done this at two farms before in washington and oregon and had good experiences. there are also other farms that will give you more than room and board, usually a small stipend to a decent income, depending on the arrangement. these are great places for aimless buddhists (and pardon me for using that word but i couldn't think of another one) because it puts one among the calm of the country and gets one connected to the earth. the hours are usually very good, the farms always appreciate wwoofers. i don't know what you mean by your heart, hopefully you don't mean it is in a poor condition because if so it may not be good to do manual labor with a bad heart. BUT, hopefully this helps, if this is provides a possibility for you or whatever. california's got a TON of farms, so should be pretty easy to find one.
Luck can be seen in many ways, I don't feel lucky yet, maybe soon. But I have spoken to someone here that made me realize that too much internal anger can cause very real health problems that are hard to reverse. I already dealt with enough health problems and I don't want to make things worse for myself. So naturally this probably helped to lighten the internal anger I had. I can feel a difference so far, hopefully I can keep it up.
Kind regards to yourself as well thanks.
Allbuddha Bound,
Thanks for the analogy of using it as a teacher vs a master. Anger is always real and I do believe it can be a healthy part of us. Because we naturally feel it for a reason, the same way we naturally feel attraction for someone else. It comes for a reason. So I when it comes, I will try to channel my anger into more productive things, or just try to find out why it came about in the first place. Then maybe that way I can learn more from it. I will just try not to let it manifest inside me into something more. So far there has been an improvement, I don't feel it seeping out of me anymore like burning fire or electricity like the days in the recent past.
Pietro Pumokin,
Thanks very much for that link. It may end up being very useful to me in the near future. Right now I have been trying to get into green job training, such as solar energy panel installation and maintenance because they pay well for little schooling. But if that doesn't work out for me I may have to turn to that. And what I meant by my heart just had to do with mental trauma. It just makes me wonder how much trauma it can tolerate, but so far I do not have any health problems that stop me from being physically active.
I think you are smart, and doing the right thing in getting some short-term training under your belt. Even if later you decide that it wasn’t enough or exactly your ticket into heaven, you will always have something under your belt to fall back on, where you can earn a necessary buck or two until things open up for you again in another area.
When I was younger, and just starting out, I took a 9 months course at a community college, which got me a pretty good job that helped me to finance the rest of my education, and kept me eating and off the streets.
: ^ ) Okay maybe I'm exaggerating about the street part.
More than once when I pulled into a town, after a necessary move, I took a job supplied by that earlier training, until I could find something more suitable, or more to my liking. (Saved my bacon) It has been sort of like an insurance policy (without any premiums) because they are always hiring in that particular sector.
No doubt I am rather naive. But I have found, at least in my life any way, that even my so-called bad luck always turn out to be my good luck and even opened doors both practical and spiritual.
Q: Nietzche: “What doesn’t kill you, will make you stronger.”
One last thing, and I will stop flapping my lips. ; ^ )
Be careful what you say to yourself, in your inner dialogue. The mind is very literally, (it doesn’t filter any out of your messages you give it) and it believes ABSOLUTELY, (100%) everything that you tell it.
Like if you say to yourself, “I can’t stand this anymore,” it will go into defensive mode and shoot your body full of chemical in order to prepare for either a fight or a flight of some kind.
Fortunately, it works the other way too. So you can intentionally program your organic computer, which we often lovingly call "Me."
So if you say, "Everything is working out for the best" to yourself, It will swallow it whole. It doesn’t even need to be true in order to make you feel somewhat better, and to stop shooting yourself full of hormones and chemicals than add to your suffering. Crazy as that seems, it is actually quite true, my new friend.
I have noticed personally how what we say to ourselves can show up in how we actually feel, almost instantly, and show benefits.
I have hereditary migraines, and have for years. In the beginning, I used to fight them. But have had to learn to live with them, because doctors etc couldn’t stop them and medications cause a whole slew of other problems.
Anyway, I used to say things to myself like, “I can’t stand these headaches anymore.” Or even, “I would rather die, than live like this.” As self-fulfilling prophecies can be, I suffered greatly while under the influence of my dire suggestions, because I had personally added a large dose of mental anguish to the whole dismal equation. : ^ (
Well, getting to the point (I can do that once in a while, smile), I stopped saying bad things to myself, unproductive things, or what psychology calls “awfulizing,” and it stopped hurting quite as much, even without meds, I kid you not. Not to mention my mental anguish melted away.
Relaxing into it, and accepting it in any given moment, can reduce physical pain. Often I used watching my breath meditation to aid me in doing this.
Don’t misunderstand me. This doesn’t mean that you can’t make any plans, change your diet, exercise, or make other adjustments to fix a problem in the future. What you are doing here is, accepting the present moment, only, right now, right here.
Favorite Q: "This too will pass."
By seeing the pain wasn’t me…dis-identifying with the pain, I was actually able to step back from the pain as well. By relaxing and no longer tightening my muscle, which exacerbates the pain, it smoothed out some, etc.
Everything we suffer is in the moment, and we need to only suffer one moment at a time. Often we can deal with one moment far more easily than if we try to take on other future moment, or all the moments in our life, at the same time. This might be overwhelming. We do ourselves no favor in suffering future pains until, or before, they actually arrive. And strangely enough, many of the things we fear or suffer prematurely never even happen.
Q: "Death by a thousand (fictitious) cuts.” : ^ (
Okay, I lied:
I do have one more thing to say, and after this I will REALLY shut up. ; ^ )
If you don’t already take a B complex (vitamin) daily, please consider doing so, as science has proven recently that the B’s will remove some of the offending anxiety hormones from your body naturally.
See I did stop, huh…you thought I wouldn’t, didn’t you? ; ^ )
Warm regards,
S9
Friend, you might also try some meditation, nothing complex, just five minutes a day counting the breath, inhalations and exhalations. 1-10. If you lose count, not to worry, just start again. The objective is not to get to 10, the only mission is to do it.
I am sorry to hear of your troubles, have you looked into local job support services and the like. I hope all goes well for you.
Best wishes,
Abu
Thanks for all the incite, a lot of it there. Right now I'd be happy with any job that will pay me, but I care about breaking the cycle of poverty. Believe me I'm looking forward to the day were I no longer have to recycle cans/bottles and take public transportation to get around, so the sooner I can get paid enough to not need that anymore the happier I will be.
So I've been doing everything I can to get into these green jobs, because they pay well for not much training. The training is not free, but there are possible grants available to the unemployed. So I have been talking with one of their associates and hopefully they can get me a grant. I may know next week. If only there was a Buddhist mantra to promote luck, I probably need it.
Floating_Abu,
Thanks for the meditation tip, I will try incorporating it with my qigong sessions. I have looked into some local job support that I know of. I signed up for a temporary agency in January and no phone calls yet. I also signed up and took a test for the 2010 job census program in early Febuary. I do not think I did well on that test. As there were many math questions that I am just not good with unless I have a calculator and I had to do 30 questions in 30 minutes, not an easy test for me.
The jobs for the census are supposed to go out in March and April, but I am probably one of their last picks, so I am not counting on that.
Poverty is 'a state of mind' in this way. If you feel that you are going without, you will certainly suffer, esp. if you are buying into the whole thing-ized heaven thing being sold in our consumerism culture.
I think this may be part of why the monasteries strip their monks of every possession but their robe and their begging bowls; perhaps to teach them to look in another direction for true happiness or full satisfaction.
Now I am not saying that you shouldn’t improve your situation or even get a job, by any means. What I am saying is, don’t believe everything your emotional mind is telling you about happiness and how to obtain it through material possessions or even statis.
Someone once said, “Heaven is gratitude.”
This is like the old saying, “I felt terrible because I had no shoes, until I met a guy with no feet.”
Looking around yourself, and in yourself, for what you can be grateful for, daily or at least occasionally, is certainly a good/healthy habit of mind. It can help us to straighten out our priorities.
We never really know why things happen to us. But being out of work certainly gives you time to meditate. : ^ )
So many people complain, and make themselves miserable, because they don’t have time for anything. Being out of work, in a way, is a 'time out,' and an real genuine opportunity to get to know yourself, who you are, and what is really important to you.
Time is a terrible thing to waste.
tick/tick/tick : ^ (
Ask anyone who has just been told that he has only one month left to live, at best.
With Friendly Regards,
S9
Soak in the cold... more than uncomfortable.
It's a goddess kissing you.