Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Unrequited Love
still_learning
Veteran
I just found out recently that a long time friend of mine is now engaged. When I found out, my heart sank, I feel like I miss out on an opportunity of a life time. For a while I felt like she was someone I could really be happy being with for the rest of my life.
Every time I hangout with her, it felt right. Our conversations were always interesting, it was easy to around her, and was always fun. Every time felt really special even though weren't doing anything special. It felt like she could be my soulmate.
But during the times I was hanging out with her, I had and still have a girlfriend. My relationship with my girlfriend just isn't right, and I wish I could have ended it so I could really reconnect with my friend.
Now I feel mildly depressed. I'm in a relationship that isn't right for me and I missed out on an opportunity of a lifetime.
I know I shouldn't think about "what ifs", but it's just how I feel. Sometimes I tell myself that I just haven't met enough people, because who knows if that friend is the only girl I can feel that way about.
Anybody else here go through something like that?
Every time I hangout with her, it felt right. Our conversations were always interesting, it was easy to around her, and was always fun. Every time felt really special even though weren't doing anything special. It felt like she could be my soulmate.
But during the times I was hanging out with her, I had and still have a girlfriend. My relationship with my girlfriend just isn't right, and I wish I could have ended it so I could really reconnect with my friend.
Now I feel mildly depressed. I'm in a relationship that isn't right for me and I missed out on an opportunity of a lifetime.
I know I shouldn't think about "what ifs", but it's just how I feel. Sometimes I tell myself that I just haven't met enough people, because who knows if that friend is the only girl I can feel that way about.
Anybody else here go through something like that?
0
Comments
Attachment and grasping is a bitch, isn't it, huh?
I offer this to all of you who share being in love with me every day. I love you all.
"We move toward and become like that with which we associate." (Jim Campbell)
As I wait at the Marion County Corrections bus stop I pull at my knitted cap and tug at my coat collar hoping to get just one more inch of protection against the bitter cold of this early January morning. Peeking from under my cap, I gaze out across the snow-covered parking lot at the beige-painted cinder-block building that houses the Marion County Sheriff's Work-Release Center, thankful for another day out of that hellhole. Last night in that poisoned den a couple of "tough-guy" youngsters began calling another man and I names, promising to "kick our asses" because we thwarted their attempt to break into the vending machines in our unit. Eventually one of the youngsters attacked the other man while his buddy glared and postured as if intending to attack me. To avoid danger I retreated to my bunk, like a weak coward, to spend yet another sleepless night in hyper-vigilance.
Shaking my head, I clear my mind and focus on the good day I'm going to have. I imagine stopping in at the Vets Center and saying "hi!" to the folks there and getting on their computer station to check emails and do some web surfing; I picture myself sitting at the Blue Pepper sipping a steaming cup of spiced Chai and watching others enjoying their day and drinks; and I look forward to ambling the snow-covered streets downtown and stopping by a few of my favorite shops to warm myself and check-out their "stuff." Stomping my feet I'm able to bring a little feeling back into my icicle toes while I glance up at the ominous cloud filled sky hoping I'll be able to get in a warm bus before being drenched by freezing rain. With relief, I hear the bus approaching and dig into my pocket for the bus-pass that will buy me a spot in that heated heaven. As soon as the bus pulls in and the last passenger gets off, I climb aboard, pass in hand, smiling from ear to ear with the joy of not only escaping the arctic cold but also the palpable negativity of this place .
By mid-afternoon, with most of my objectives accomplished, I stroll toward the transit mall stopping at shops here and there along the way. Crossing Liberty Street southward on Court I reach the Book Bin and decide to spend some time exploring their selection of books and magazines. Wandering through the store I linger in the "Religion" section, carefully thumbing through Buddhist and Taoist texts, imagining myself in my own private library filled with the great spiritual books of the world. With my head down and mind concentrated on the wonderful words in a new rendition of the I Ching I don't notice another person approaching. It isn't until my hyper-sensitive spatial awareness alerts me to their presence that I glance up a little startled to see a beautifully radiant dark-haired woman smiling at me. Becoming aware of the fact that I'm not breathing, I slowly let go and exhale and then, even more slowly, draw a deep calming breath before returning her smile. Deeply shaken, but gathering all the courage I can, I face this exquisite goddess and look deeply into her eyes while spluttering-out a weak "Hullo." With a twinkle of amusement in her eyes she responds with a warm and cheery "Hi!" that melts my heart on the spot. This contact not only ignites my desire to know her much better it also triggers gut-wrenching fear, which wells-up like a geyser from deep in my belly. This fear comes from my grim recognition of the futility of imagining that a penniless parolee, residing in the Work-Release Center, only able to come downtown during the day - if he can scrounge up a bus ticket - might miraculously meet and have any kind of relationship with such a goddess.
With a sinking heart, I'm about to avert my focus back to the book when the angel in front of me speaks again in her sweet melodious voice asking, "Do you like these books?" That's it, stick a fork in him, this goose is cooked. Driven by overwhelming desire I've got to do whatever it takes to stay in the light of this radiant beauty. Trapped in overwhelming attraction, like a moth to a flame, I float transfixed and say, "Why, yes, I especially like the Buddhist and Taoist teachings." To which she responds that she wants to know more about them and asks if I will help her. Working hard to stay cool I agree to share as much as I know while at the same time forgetting all my years of study and practice. Years of dedicated training that's supposed to make me impervious to the desire that's now burning me up alive. Hearing her joy at my willingness to share the teachings is like feeling the warm sun on my face while my fear of how to make this happen without her discovering the secret of my present situation and potentially threatening past drives me to hide behind a screen of deception, telling her I'm a kind of monk in training who spends time in town only occasionally.
So my exquisite goddess and I dance. A sad and joyful dance. A dance similar to yet unlike any other I've experienced in my year out of prison or ever before in this life. I don't know if she's in a relationship and don't want to know. All I dream of is to be with her because when I'm in her presence I feel alive, an aliveness similar to a feeling I had only once before, a very long time ago. I feel nearly drunk with elation and want simply to be as close to her as I can for as long as I can. And so we dance, like ballroom dancers, reaching for and holding each other close in warm and tender embrace one moment only to break-apart to dance tentatively and aloof in the next; enthralled by attraction and fear.
We dance, not knowing what the future may bring and fearing suffering. At times I'm certain that we're growing closer and become frightened of the self-exposure I've got to face if I want a genuinely intimate relationship. Afraid that the horror of my past will be too much for my goddess to stand. At other times I'm sure that my goddess is withdrawing from me, that she doesn't want me closer. With this in mind, as painful as it is, I recall just how briefly we've actually been together and that my desire for her is probably not shared I remind myself that any idea I have of a deeper relationship with her is likely the sad fantasy of a aging man far too long without the companionship of a woman. I also tell myself that she's probably not even aware of my desire and that, if she is, she may be doing what she thinks is necessary to avert unwanted attention. I mean, why would a young, beautiful, intelligent, and extremely hot, babe like her want to have an intimate relationship with an old broke-down fart like me, anyway? And so we dance.
Stumbling on, I do my best to imagine what my goddess is feeling and thinking. I try to discern what's causing this distancing. Finally, I turn to my training to reach the clarity and wisdom needed to penetrate the heart of the matter. In the clear light of practice I imagine my goddess and I ensnared in worldly desire and find myself once again facing the sad joy of renunciation as the only way out of this honey trap. Yet, even with that, I still wish for a life-long tender loving relationship in the arms of my goddess and this comes with the pain of knowing that if that happens there may be little chance of her truly having the lasting happiness she and I both want.
While struggling to free myself and all beings from the overwhelming attraction and torment of this desire realm I dance with my goddess, the object of my desire, and through this dance know "Being in Love." This is the gift my goddess brings me whenever she appears. A gift I share in every moment with all creations.
Sad Joy Sad Joy
Tranquil Tenderness
Exquisite!
That's very close to how I feel when I'm with this friend of mine.
The world disappears and we are in a different dimension for just a little while.
I should be thankful to have experienced those moments.
Similar experiences have arisen over time and I now have a clear way of meeting them.
But take solace in the truth of impermanence, however you feel now will change.
Stay mindfull of all the moments of ok-ness and not so ok-ness (eg when your with her)
But don't reject your current relationship yet. I was in the exact same position as you a little while ago and when I gave it a chance, I felt all the the love my partner had for me and it brought an intention to let things work between us. I loved her too because I gave myself a chance to connect with her. Rather than let an idealistic thought get in the way. If your current partner isnt bad for you, it might well be worth you learning who she is deeply. It may well be that your focus was drawn away from you current gf, and lets be honest, thats normal, but maybe not good for you.
Too many details in this case are unspeakable. Consider your suffering, your gf's suffering and your friends suffering. Your friend seems to be happy, whats best for you and your gf?
Still, your in a tough one, I wish you great wisdom and strength to follow that wisdom. You wiull know the right thing to do, have the courage to do it.
Many true well wishes,
Adam
@ OP Anyway, why are with a girl who isn't right for you? I know it's tough but if you don't like her than the best thing to do is let her go.
Stringing her along is hurtful to her and to you.
In a way, I don't have the right to pine for someone when I haven't ended my current relationship. I'm just expressing how I feel, and sharing a story.
Also, the state I'm in and the kind of person I am today, I may not even be worthy of her or a girl like her. So someday I might be.
It hurts a little less each day.
But mind you, I am always grateful that things are not worse for me. I have plenty of things to be happy about and I am.
Some more details: She's the type of girl that I could feel passion for everyday. And the connection I feel with her allows me easily to overlook her faults. I loved how she gets my jokes and plays along. I loved how she's adventurous and tries new things. I loved how she learned to be less judgmental and bossy (because she used to be). I loved how she was actually interested in what I was saying. I admired how she was bravely honest about herself instead of just being bluntly honest.
The truth: I didn't hangout with her all that much since I've been with my current gf. We've drifted apart. There's a lot of details about her that I just don't know. She may have changed vastly. I don't know what kind of person she would if I were to spend everyday with her. And she may not feel the same way about me at all. I may have put her too high on a pedestal. Someday I may find another like her. And who says you can only have one soulmate.