my fall from grace..

TheFound

Dear Buddhist Friends,

I don't know how to express this,
but I feel like I've really ....fallen,
I've shattered my discipline and resolve..
I was flying high on Buddhism, I was enjoying my life, in a non-attached, beautifully zen way...
following precepts, the 8 fold path, I was liberated...part of the whole, working on the TEAM, ETC... now I've isolated myself in delusion again...

I've totally crashed and am burning...
Just now I got really angry, and the anger just got condensed by every little thing, I'm still a bit angry, -
now I'm even more angry that I got angry.

You have to understand my patience and understanding is HUGE.
That's why it bothers me so much, I am supposed to be so ..advanced by now.
Past regular people,
but I'm worse! I'm getting impulses....desires, anger, hate, lust, fear,

I'm supposed to be intelligent , strong, ....
but I'm becoming more like an animal , as if I was decreasing on the evolutionary scale...

I feel like a monster or demon, in disguise, mimicking humans, I don't even try to fit in, I used to have a huge crew of friends, don't see anyone anymore, don't leave my house EVER , except on rare occasion and each day for work..

you know I guess to sum it up, all of us, have a battle inside of us..

Buddha vs Mara
Clear vs Delusion,
Michael vs Lucifer,
Holyfield vs Tyson,

you know? but I feel like I'm even worse than Mara, I'm worse than Tyson and Lucifer, I live in Delusion and LOVE IT. I crave it, It's what I am.

This is definitely a crisis in my "Buddhist" career,
If I were you, and someone was asking ME for advice, based on this I'd say...;

"Find a teacher...TheFound, you need a teacher, a personal touch, someone that could keep track of you and your progress week by week, and help you navigate samsara..you know the philosophies already and know how to apply them , a teacher will help inspire your resolve..."

If you say that though..
I will kill you.:D

Jesus I think I answered my own question though...Anyone think a teacher in Quebec, around Montreal, will be willing to help me out?

PietroPumokin

if you're oscillating between superhigh and superwretched then you may have to find a balancing point within both of those extremes, when you were feeling very good perhaps your ego was feeling very good too and so thus it wasn't quite properly abolished, but instead was thriving on that, saying things to itself like "ahh i am so zen!" you know.... this is a heavy case of buddhist bipolarism. get the scissors doctor. we've got to perform a spontaneous lobotomy. there are butterflies in this man's frontal lobe! good god... and gummy worms.... molded gummy worms! good god hand me the toothbrush! and the floss!!.... good god.. this man needs some extrications... yes, consult a personal physician for your bipolar dispositions, and let go of yourself as much as you can. don't focus on the anger, or the joy! let them pass freely like clouds through a valley!

Quiet_witness

Your post is replete with ego-based suffering. You say you know you live in a delusional world and crave it, I am sorry to burst your bubble but you don't even see the delusions you live in, how could you, it's a delusion, hello?!?!?

Learn humility or it will find you and humble you.

Brigid

I so totally agree with QW, TF.

A huge part of your suffering is being caused by your enormous ego. Or to put it another way, your ego is so out of whack it's unbelievable. Can't you see it? Re-read your post. It's all in there.

Yes, you need a teacher. But you need to understand humility a lot more and soon or, as QW said, it WILL find you. It really will. And you won't like it a bit.

Brigid

Pietro Pumokin wrote: »

if you're oscillating between superhigh and superwretched then you may have to find a balancing point within both of those extremes, when you were feeling very good perhaps your ego was feeling very good too and so thus it wasn't quite properly abolished, but instead was thriving on that, saying things to itself like "ahh i am so zen!" you know.... this is a heavy case of buddhist bipolarism. get the scissors doctor. we've got to perform a spontaneous lobotomy. there are butterflies in this man's frontal lobe! good god... and gummy worms.... molded gummy worms! good god hand me the toothbrush! and the floss!!.... good god.. this man needs some extrications... yes, consult a personal physician for your bipolar dispositions, and let go of yourself as much as you can. don't focus on the anger, or the joy! let them pass freely like clouds through a valley!

Hi Pietro,

I see what you're saying and yes, you're quite right.
I just wanted to mention one thing; I don't think it is the goal in Buddhism to abolish our egos. Even if it were possible, which it isn't unless that is part of what enlightenment is, it would just cause terrible suffering and psychosis in an unenlightened human.

I think it would be more fair to say that it is a goal to render our egos more healthy and balanced rather than doing away with them altogether.

PietroPumokin

i understand ego here as the aggregate of clingingnesses, our various attachments to, and identifications with an inherent self substance inside and 'outside' our psyches, what are you referring to?

pearl

What did you do that makes you think you're terrible?

jinzang

Buddhist Centers in Montreal

zenone

Hi TF,

The REAL delusion is thinking that you're alone with this. You're not. We all have these kinds of experiences. Some more than others. For better or for worse is not for us to judge. Stop running from the pain and it will teach you. Learn how to listen.

Zenone

RichardH

You sound like your pouring it on a bit, Found. Your amping it a bit. You know that "flying high on buddhism" "my patience and understanding is HUGE" is over the top. Youv'e been posting here for a while, why the hyperbolic spasm? Whats really going on?

Brigid

Pietro Pumokin wrote: »

i understand ego here as the aggregate of clingingnesses, our various attachments to, and identifications with an inherent self substance inside and 'outside' our psyches, what are you referring to?

A human being's sense of personal identity.

stevengmurray

Guy's don't you think seeking out a teacher is just another method or ignoring your problems and depending on someone else?

It seems to me Thefound needs to face all their problems full on and not seek some outside solution.

Too many people say 'if only i could stay at a monastery, find a teacher go on a retreat then things would be/get better'. That is pure delusion!

@thefound your ego is definitly overrunning everything else about your being, I can't tell whether that is something you relish or not tho?

Your posts do seem very self-important, you know if you post in this fasion that you'll get replies round here, I think you do it to satisfy yourself, like a cry for help.

If we can help great I hope we can! I think as human beings we've all hit rock bottom many times, some poeple are still there but thats what life is about it's a test at the end of the day. We're all here to help each other but not one of my problems in life is more important or severe than anyone else's, please bear that in mind, but again that is ego showing through.

with metta, Steve

FoibleFull

In Buddhism, "getting it" is not like being born-again in Christianity. You don't get this incredible elation. And you don't crash.

Now is a good time to step back and try to understand the dynamics of what you have experienced (both the high and the crash), and to re-evaluate what you can reasonably expect from Buddhism ... THIS is where one-on-one with a qualified teacher is utterly invaluable for you.