Right Speech

zendo

Recently I sent an email to my 77-year-old dad, and in the email I made what I now realize was a rather unkind joke about him, which hurt his feelings.

I felt bad about this afterwards (still do), and it really made me see that I need to work on practicing Right Speech. The things we say can really hurt people, even if we don't mean for them to. And I don't want to hurt anyone--least of all a man who may not be around much longer.

So I wanted to get some insight from the good people in this community, about some ways to practice Right Speech. How do you do it? Do you have certain guidelines that you go by? Certain practices you do? Does it flow naturally from continuous meditation practice? Or is it more of a conscious effort, which you have be be vigilant about on a moment-by-moment basis?

Thanks in advance for any wisdom and experience you can share with me on this subject!

RichardH

Right speech can mean different things in a different context. I used to try and practice "right speech" within an ideal of a Bodhisattva. Speech would always be gentle and kind. It would never upset another person, and never ever be combative. Living up to this was partially successful but mostly not (bad buddhist). Then I looked at were examples of speech from others have truly helped. What was truly right in their speech? Many times it was gentle and nurturing , but many times it roundly flattened my pride and ego. Sometimes it was humiliating. This is not to say humiliating someone is right speech, if I humiliate someone that is just being a jerk, which happens. But there have been times when a sharp blow is right speech. Told this story before, but the most compassionate example of right speech I've been on the recieving end of was from a teacher..."you! shut up!!!!". It was said with such intense precision, and in such a perfect moment of public exposure that it went off like a depth charge making fully visible "Me" for the first time, then smoking it. It was the first taste of freedom.

It may be different for others.

Stephen

Right Speech in Buddhism, to me, is just normal right speech on steroids. You spend a lot more time on the thought and the intent behind the words you wish to say before you say anything. Practice makes perfect in this regard; the more you think before you speak, the less often you'll say something harmful.

There is a lot more that can be said about it, but when it comes down to the wire, it's all about putting in the extra mental effort to "think before you speak".

zendo

Thank you both for this helpful input.

Stephen wrote: »

You spend a lot more time on the thought and the intent behind the words you wish to say before you say anything. Practice makes perfect in this regard; the more you think before you speak, the less often you'll say something harmful.

This is a good general rule, and I will try to practice it.

With email communication, I think (for me) there's an additional danger: that the experience of being online (as opposed to face-to-face) can tend to distort my perception, as has often happened to me. For some reason, the longer I'm on the internet, the further from objectivity I tend to move; so the chances of communicating poorly via email actually increase for me.

Does anyone else find that Right Speech is harder to practice online than in person?

upekka

if that hurt you do not say it
if that hurt the others do not say it
if that hurt you and others do not say it
it that do not hurt you or others then say it

Stephen

I tend toward the opposite. I'm better at online communications because I get to see what I'm saying before I send it. It's easier for me to say something hastily because there is less time to react and to reflect.

NamelessRiver

Recently I sent an email to my 77-year-old dad, and in the email I made what I now realize was a rather unkind joke about him, which hurt his feelings.

The kindness of both parents is profound and deep,
Their care and devotion never cease.
Never resting, the mother saves the sweet for the child,
And without complain she swallows the bitter herself.
Her love is weighty and her emotion difficult to bear;
Her kindness is deep and so is her compassion.
Only wanting the child to get its fill,
The compassionate mother doesn't speak of her own hunger.

The mother is willing to be wet
So that the child can be dry.
With her two breasts she satisfies its hunger and thirst;
Covering it with her sleeve, she protects it from the wind and cold.
In kindness, her head rarely rests on the pillow,
And yet she does this happily,
So long as the child is comfortable,
The kind mother seeks no solace for herself.

The death of loved ones is difficult to endure.
But separation is also painful.
When the child travels afar,
The mother worries in her village.
From morning until night, her heart is with her child,
And a thousand tears fall from her eyes.
Like the monkey weeping silently in love for her child,
Bit by bit her heart is broken.

How heavy is parental kindness and emotional concern!
Their kindness is deep and difficult to repay.
Willingly they undergo suffering on their child's behalf.
If the child toils, the parents are uncomfortable.
If they hear that he has traveled far,
They worry that at night he will have to lie in the cold.
Even a moment's pain suffered by their sons and daughters.
Will cause the parents sustained distress.

"Children may be well taught, but if they are unfilial, they will not heed the instructions or obey the rules. Rarely will they rely upon the guidance of their parents. They are contrary and rebellious when interacting with their brothers. They come and go from home without ever reporting to their parents. Their speech and actions are very arrogant and they act on impulse without consulting others. Such children ignore the admonishments and punishments set down by their parents and pay no regard to their uncles' warnings. Yet, at the same time, they are immature and always need to be looked after and protected by their elders."

"If such children do live at home, they leave early in the morning and do not return until late at night. Never do they ask about the welfare of their parents or make sure that they don't suffer from heat or cold. They do not inquire after their parents' well being in the morning or the evening, nor even on the first and fifteenth of the lunar month. In fact, it never occurs to these unfilial children to ever ask whether their parents have slept comfortably or rested peacefully. Such children are simply not concerned in the least about their parents' well being. When the parents of such children grow old and their appearance becomes more and more withered and emaciated, they are made to feel ashamed to be seen in public and are subjected to abuse and oppression."

"Such unfilial children may end up with a father who is a widower or a mother who is a widow. The solitary parents are left alone in empty houses, feeling like guests in their own homes. They may endure cold and hunger, but no one takes heed of their plight. They may weep incessantly from morning to night, sighing and lamenting. It is only right that children should provide for ageing parents with food and drink of delicious flavours, but irresponsible children are sure to overlook their duties(...)

"It may be the case that daughters were quite filial to their parents before their own marriages, but they may become progressively rebellious after they marry. This situation may be so extreme that if their parents show even the slightest signs of displeasure, the daughters become hateful and vengeful toward them. Yet they bear their husband's scolding and beatings with sweet tempers, even though their spouses are outsiders with other surnames and family ties(...)

From The Filial Piety Sutra (apocryphal)

PietroPumokin

i think it is sometimes better that we do not think about we should say but just express our mind as it is in that current moment, because one reason is that as buddhists we already have those compassion seeds planted in us and even if we perhaps say something offensive, we can reparate soon afterwards, and in this way keep the flow going, which i think is very important. shunryu suzuki said one time "it does not matter if you hate or love but that you are calm" which is true and untrue. it's important that calmness,which we can identify with flow, remains but it is also important that we keep a mind of love, and calmness and love are intimately related to each other even if hatred is related to calm as well. though this is only one aspect of right speech, dealing with anger is one of the more significant ones

Brigid

zendo wrote: »

Does anyone else find that Right Speech is harder to practice online than in person?

I'm like Stephen. I find it much easier to be mindful of what I'm saying when I'm online because I proof read everything I write before I post it. I also ask myself if my post or email is necessary and what my intentions and/or motives are for writing it. I certainly don't get it right all the time but it's a lot better than what comes out of my mouth unedited.

Stephen

I would disagree, Pietro. All things begin in our mind. If we speak without thinking first, we would also tend to act without thinking first. While you may think it possible to "repair" a situation when you've spoken in haste, that is not always possible, and even less so if you have done something physical in nature. Perhaps the only ones that should attempt what you suggest would be the Arahants. We should restrain ourselves, in order to recognize unskillful thoughts before they become unskillful words/actions.

This is a part of Right Effort.

federica

Stephen wrote: »

I tend toward the opposite. I'm better at online communications because I get to see what I'm saying before I send it. It's easier for me to say something hastily because there is less time to react and to reflect.

Oh, the times... the times I've written something, and then simply not posted it.... the times I've realised, before hitting the 'submit reply' button, that really, this would neither be productive nor skilful....

And oh, the times I've heartily wished some others would also practice the same restraint.....:rolleyes:

PietroPumokin

Stephen wrote: »

I would disagree, Pietro. All things begin in our mind. If we speak without thinking first, we would also tend to act without thinking first. While you may think it possible to "repair" a situation when you've spoken in haste, that is not always possible, and even less so if you have done something physical in nature. Perhaps the only ones that should attempt what you suggest would be the Arahants. We should restrain ourselves, in order to recognize unskillful thoughts before they become unskillful words/actions.

This is a part of Right Effort.

you are right, but i do not believe restraint is always a skillful thing to do, sometimes it is good to bring things to light, to let unwholesome things perish in their own unraveling, and though i would definitely agree anger in many ways needs to be shut out immediately, and restraint and effort to overcome are vital and necessary. however, sometimes it is best not to hesitate but to just give yourself to spontaneity, for example if someone is talking hooha instead of pussyfooting around thinking how to say to them nicely, you just say "i think you are very wrong" or something hahahaha, without anger, for you can be contrary without stepping down the passageway of hate.

Stephen

So as not to draw this out, I'll go off the tip of my tongue here. Even in the suttas, the Buddha would sometimes speak in what would seem harsh tones at times. However, this was never done out of spontaneity. He only ever spoke in the necessary way to get through to the listener and for their benefit.

When we do things spontaneously, we invariably screw up. We are not the Buddha. It's not likely there are even any Arahants on this forum, though I wouldn't discount the possibility. Therefore we should all consider spontaneity to be unskillful until we have uprooted ignorance completely within our own minds, thereby eliminating greed, aversion and delusion that could cause such spontaneous words/actions to be unskillful kamma.

If a thing were done, 'twere best it done right the first time. At least... where we have a choice (and we do).

pegembara

'Better than a thousand sentences -- a mere jumble of meaningless words -- is one sensible phrase on hearing which one is pacified." Dhp. 100

'The good say:
1. Noble speech is apt,
2. Speak the Dhamma not a-dhamma:
3. Say what is pleasant, not unpleasant;
4. Speak what is true, not lies.
Speak only words that do not bring remorse
Nor hurt another. That is good speech, indeed.
Truth is immortal speech, it is an ancient law.
In truth, weal and Dhamma the sages are established.
The Buddha's words of peace to Nibbana lead,
To suffering's end. Such words are good indeed.'

PietroPumokin

Stephen wrote: »

When we do things spontaneously, we invariably screw up.

well, i would say acting on impulses can have both negative and positive effects

Therefore we should all consider spontaneity to be unskillful until we have uprooted ignorance completely within our own minds, thereby eliminating greed, aversion and delusion that could cause such spontaneous words/actions to be unskillful kamma.

yikes!!! i dont believe entirely on the pureness of spontaneity but i've had plenty of good experience trusting in the spontaneousness of the mind, if, returning to spontaneity in anger, i think this tends to more often invariably lead to screwing up, but this is not always the case for every spontaneous act or word uttered/ in the surangama sutra, buddha recommends we have no recourse to discriminative thinking but speak spontaneously and embrace our mind essence, but these are just words, anyone can think this over for themselves. i think it is a good idea to have faith in the goodness of our hearts and the depths of our wisdom no matter how far we are attained but to do it with a calm mind, and not get crazy in this trust, not go overboard, it can be just as unskillful to calculate and overanalyze things and so we must find a middle way between pure spontaneousness and calculation i think, a mix of both, i think too much in either direction might lead to constipation, either that, or diarrhea

zendo

NamelessRiver wrote: »

The kindness of both parents is profound and deep,
Their care and devotion never cease.
Never resting, the mother saves the sweet for the child,
And without complain she swallows the bitter herself.
Her love is weighty and her emotion difficult to bear;
Her kindness is deep and so is her compassion.
Only wanting the child to get its fill,
The compassionate mother doesn't speak of her own hunger.

The mother is willing to be wet
So that the child can be dry.
With her two breasts she satisfies its hunger and thirst;
Covering it with her sleeve, she protects it from the wind and cold.
In kindness, her head rarely rests on the pillow,
And yet she does this happily,
So long as the child is comfortable,
The kind mother seeks no solace for herself.

The death of loved ones is difficult to endure.
But separation is also painful.
When the child travels afar,
The mother worries in her village.
From morning until night, her heart is with her child,
And a thousand tears fall from her eyes.
Like the monkey weeping silently in love for her child,
Bit by bit her heart is broken.

How heavy is parental kindness and emotional concern!
Their kindness is deep and difficult to repay.
Willingly they undergo suffering on their child's behalf.
If the child toils, the parents are uncomfortable.
If they hear that he has traveled far,
They worry that at night he will have to lie in the cold.
Even a moment's pain suffered by their sons and daughters.
Will cause the parents sustained distress.

"Children may be well taught, but if they are unfilial, they will not heed the instructions or obey the rules. Rarely will they rely upon the guidance of their parents. They are contrary and rebellious when interacting with their brothers. They come and go from home without ever reporting to their parents. Their speech and actions are very arrogant and they act on impulse without consulting others. Such children ignore the admonishments and punishments set down by their parents and pay no regard to their uncles' warnings. Yet, at the same time, they are immature and always need to be looked after and protected by their elders."

"If such children do live at home, they leave early in the morning and do not return until late at night. Never do they ask about the welfare of their parents or make sure that they don't suffer from heat or cold. They do not inquire after their parents' well being in the morning or the evening, nor even on the first and fifteenth of the lunar month. In fact, it never occurs to these unfilial children to ever ask whether their parents have slept comfortably or rested peacefully. Such children are simply not concerned in the least about their parents' well being. When the parents of such children grow old and their appearance becomes more and more withered and emaciated, they are made to feel ashamed to be seen in public and are subjected to abuse and oppression."

"Such unfilial children may end up with a father who is a widower or a mother who is a widow. The solitary parents are left alone in empty houses, feeling like guests in their own homes. They may endure cold and hunger, but no one takes heed of their plight. They may weep incessantly from morning to night, sighing and lamenting. It is only right that children should provide for ageing parents with food and drink of delicious flavours, but irresponsible children are sure to overlook their duties(...)

"It may be the case that daughters were quite filial to their parents before their own marriages, but they may become progressively rebellious after they marry. This situation may be so extreme that if their parents show even the slightest signs of displeasure, the daughters become hateful and vengeful toward them. Yet they bear their husband's scolding and beatings with sweet tempers, even though their spouses are outsiders with other surnames and family ties(...)

From The Filial Piety Sutra (apocryphal)

Thank you, but my question is not really about parents or children, it's about the Noble Eightfold Path.

The story about my dad was just a way of presenting the question.

zendo

Brigid wrote: »

I'm like Stephen. I find it much easier to be mindful of what I'm saying when I'm online because I proof read everything I write before I post it. I also ask myself if my post or email is necessary and what my intentions and/or motives are for writing it. I certainly don't get it right all the time but it's a lot better than what comes out of my mouth unedited.

Thanks, Brigid!

I, too, proofread everything thoroughly, but if I'm in a negative mood, this doesn't necessarily "save" me from posting or sending something hurtful or negative.

But your words (and those of Stephen) help me see that it's not really about whether I'm online or in person: it's about cultivating loving-kindness, so that whatever forum I'm in, my speech will be right.

zendo

federica wrote: »

Oh, the times... the times I've written something, and then simply not posted it.... the times I've realised, before hitting the 'submit reply' button, that really, this would neither be productive nor skilful....

And oh, the times I've heartily wished some others would also practice the same restraint.....:rolleyes:

Have there also been times when you did hit Submit Reply, and then regretted it afterward?

Stephen

The great thing about these forums is that you can edit your posts. Even better, you can delete them (at least, you can now... I somehow failed to ever see a 'delete' option when I first signed up here and began posting).

zendo

Pietro Pumokin wrote: »

you are right, but i do not believe restraint is always a skillful thing to do, sometimes it is good to bring things to light, to let unwholesome things perish in their own unraveling, and though i would definitely agree anger in many ways needs to be shut out immediately, and restraint and effort to overcome are vital and necessary. however, sometimes it is best not to hesitate but to just give yourself to spontaneity, for example if someone is talking hooha instead of pussyfooting around thinking how to say to them nicely, you just say "i think you are very wrong" or something hahahaha, without anger, for you can be contrary without stepping down the passageway of hate.

Hi Pietro,

I appreciate what you're saying here, and I'm always slow to "disagree" or contradict another's understanding of the path; but it seems to me that what you're describing here, "not hesitating but just giving yourself to spontaneity," might give rise to the very danger I'm trying to learn to avoid. Indeed, a more thoughtful, considered approach to speech seems to be the Buddha's way.

But again: that is not to discount the potential in what you're saying--for I do appreciate the purity spontaneity can bring.

zendo

pegembara wrote: »

'Better than a thousand sentences -- a mere jumble of meaningless words -- is one sensible phrase on hearing which one is pacified." Dhp. 100

'The good say:
1. Noble speech is apt,
2. Speak the Dhamma not a-dhamma:
3. Say what is pleasant, not unpleasant;
4. Speak what is true, not lies.
Speak only words that do not bring remorse
Nor hurt another. That is good speech, indeed.
Truth is immortal speech, it is an ancient law.
In truth, weal and Dhamma the sages are established.
The Buddha's words of peace to Nibbana lead,
To suffering's end. Such words are good indeed.'

Thank you for these wise guidelines! These are indeed the parameters I need to abide by and cultivate in my speech.