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Letter to a young spiritual seeker
shadowleaver
Veteran
Are you in your teens or early twenties? Do life priorities as set by your surrounding seem delusional or meaningless to you? Does hearing about building a career, creating a family and "growing up" make you sick? Do you feel suffocated and lost where you are now? Do you sense that there is a higher truth out there, a better way to be, a sweet mystery to be discovered? Do you escape to nature or dive into your favorite works of art to get in touch with that sweet mystery? Did you find a book or hear about a teacher that filled you with hope and longing for another, higher, state of being?
The above describes me a decade ago. If it also sounds like you, what I have to say may be of some interest to you. Because if you address your existential anguish the way I (and so many others) addressed it, your suffering as a result may pale in comparison with what you're feeling today. But I'll tell you outright that I'm not trying to answer your spiritual questions. In fact, the whole point of this post is to be very careful with anyone who seems to answer these questions for you.
...A decade ago I was madly in love with someone I had no chance with. I was also a very recent immigrant in a country that seemed soulless and alien to me back then. And I kept hearing about the importance of career and that the only career that was worth thinking about was one that would pay well. In a stinkin' office somewhere. I was mildly depressed and utterly confused. But one day I discovered Eastern spirituality, which came in the form of a book written by a French guy named Satprem and it introduced me to a movement started by someone Sri Aurobindo, from India. Integral Yoga it was called.
I was wildly ecstatic. The oppressing constraints of everyday life eased up and a whole new "inner" world full of radiance was opened to me. I was filled with deep longing for a new life, full of "spiritual" discoveries and adventures and full of mystical experiences. I started having insights and experiences that seemed awesome to me. Fears that "ordinary" people had appeared ridiculous to me. I started to devour books on Integral Yoga, greedily taking in every aspect of what I was reading. I fully identified with it and tried to disassociate myself from the "real life" as much as possible. Without meeting a single practitioner I joined the group in my head. Its founders could possibly do no wrong and I bought every single word they wrote, with veneration and gratitude.
And yet a dark side of my newly found "state of being" quickly rose to the surface. Anxiety and fear of supernatural things I read about of intensity I'd never felt before. Deep loneliness, for I wasn't making friends or socializing much. Exploding sexual tension because I read that all sexuality had to be abandoned. And at times I longed badly for the "old life", listening to music of my childhood during the night-- music that I'd forbidden to myself. That longing was tearing me apart, at times making me feel like I was going crazy. Periods of "spiritual" ecstasy were intermixed with periods of deep dispair and existential confusion I'd never known before. But my books explained it all pretty well-- "hostile forces" were to blame, they interfered with me to prevent me from achieving the ultimate and luminous transformation of consciousness.
...In about 3 or 4 years I just couldn't go on with my interest in Integral Yoga and little by little I let it go, even though the books threatened with terrible consequences in the afterlife. But my system was pretty messed up so for a few years more my mind would jump at other "spiritual" traditions only to fall away from them in dispair, upon realizing that they didn't make all that much sense. Now here's the hard truth: most if not all "spiritual" teachings, no matter their origin, make much sense. For instance, the Integral Yoga founder claimed that it was thanks to his mental concentration that the Germans lost World War II. It was also claimed that by following the path Death itself would be overcome. That such claims were nothing but pure baloney never occurred to me, while I was the devout follower. And that's the big moral of my self-imposed tribulation: if you're a follower of anything, you'll be buying pure baloney left and right.
Now this is a Buddhist venue so the above may look a bit irrelevant. But rest assured, in the humongous body of traditions and paths collectively known as "Buddhism", there is similar craziness to be found which I could also have succumbed to a decade ago, with similar results. Take, for example, Chyogyam Trungpa, the teacher to whom a good amount of Buddhist tradition in the West can be traced. If you really knew his biography, you might not want to place complete trust in him or any of his followers. Read about it here:
http://www.strippingthegurus.com/stgsamplechapters/trungpa.asp
Now perhaps Zen Buddhism seems like a much more open-minded undogmatic alternative. Perhaps, but there are plenty of sins committed in its name:
http://www.strippingthegurus.com/stgsamplechapters/zen.asp
No, I'm not trying to discourage you from Buddhism or anything else. Buddhism or anything else is complex and has aspects that may be beneficial to you, but also harmful ones. I think a lot of Buddhist philosophy and practices are great ones that can enhance one's well-being, as long as you do not surrender yourself to some unscrupulous master's authority.
The key is use your own head above anything else. And if something doesn't make sense, just dump it, no matter how good it may make you feel. In the end, believing a lie will create more suffering than you tried to alleviate by believing so, of that I'm sure. Drop your faculty of reason once and you may end up in Waco, Texas. If some "master" is claimed to be fully "enlightened" (as a result of "dharma transmission" or what not), stay away from him or her as if they were a dangerous maniac. If it is said that someone, due to their "higher understanding" can do no wrong, be sure that the reason it is said may be precisely that they can get away with doing wrong. As soon as you concede that someone has "higher understanding" you're admitting that you have a "lower understanding" and give that someone a tremendous power over your mind. Don't do that to yourself. Trust yourself and respect your judgement-- you deserve it. Learn from others, but learn carefully-- the age of blind faith and unconditional trust is behind us.
...In retrospect, I realize that I could have avoided my own "spiritual" misadventures and addressed my thirst for a better life in much more down-to-earth ways. Moving away from my family for a while, joining an athletic team, getting a real girlfriend or changing a career path-- all of these may have revealed me another side of life and given me a better understanding of "how things work". Instead I chose to isolate myself in my vivid imagination and give the power of answering my questions to someone else. Looking for meaning in "the Beyond" (all that stuff we take on faith) is a path to nowhere because "the Beyond" is nowhere to be found. No one but you and nothing but your experience can ultimately answer the existential questions tormenting you, as Bob Marley sang: "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds"
PS. I write on here occasionally, mostly to converse on various issues for my own entertainment. I think the above is the most useful and sincere post I've ever made. If I can help someone avoid the pit I fell into a decade ago, that'll be a very good thing. I felt so very alone and desperate back then, no one to share my anguish with and no one to share similar anguish with me. I still don't know The Way but I know what is not The way (and suspect there is no Way at all). Hope that helps, my younger brother or sister in the quest for Meaning.
The above describes me a decade ago. If it also sounds like you, what I have to say may be of some interest to you. Because if you address your existential anguish the way I (and so many others) addressed it, your suffering as a result may pale in comparison with what you're feeling today. But I'll tell you outright that I'm not trying to answer your spiritual questions. In fact, the whole point of this post is to be very careful with anyone who seems to answer these questions for you.
...A decade ago I was madly in love with someone I had no chance with. I was also a very recent immigrant in a country that seemed soulless and alien to me back then. And I kept hearing about the importance of career and that the only career that was worth thinking about was one that would pay well. In a stinkin' office somewhere. I was mildly depressed and utterly confused. But one day I discovered Eastern spirituality, which came in the form of a book written by a French guy named Satprem and it introduced me to a movement started by someone Sri Aurobindo, from India. Integral Yoga it was called.
I was wildly ecstatic. The oppressing constraints of everyday life eased up and a whole new "inner" world full of radiance was opened to me. I was filled with deep longing for a new life, full of "spiritual" discoveries and adventures and full of mystical experiences. I started having insights and experiences that seemed awesome to me. Fears that "ordinary" people had appeared ridiculous to me. I started to devour books on Integral Yoga, greedily taking in every aspect of what I was reading. I fully identified with it and tried to disassociate myself from the "real life" as much as possible. Without meeting a single practitioner I joined the group in my head. Its founders could possibly do no wrong and I bought every single word they wrote, with veneration and gratitude.
And yet a dark side of my newly found "state of being" quickly rose to the surface. Anxiety and fear of supernatural things I read about of intensity I'd never felt before. Deep loneliness, for I wasn't making friends or socializing much. Exploding sexual tension because I read that all sexuality had to be abandoned. And at times I longed badly for the "old life", listening to music of my childhood during the night-- music that I'd forbidden to myself. That longing was tearing me apart, at times making me feel like I was going crazy. Periods of "spiritual" ecstasy were intermixed with periods of deep dispair and existential confusion I'd never known before. But my books explained it all pretty well-- "hostile forces" were to blame, they interfered with me to prevent me from achieving the ultimate and luminous transformation of consciousness.
...In about 3 or 4 years I just couldn't go on with my interest in Integral Yoga and little by little I let it go, even though the books threatened with terrible consequences in the afterlife. But my system was pretty messed up so for a few years more my mind would jump at other "spiritual" traditions only to fall away from them in dispair, upon realizing that they didn't make all that much sense. Now here's the hard truth: most if not all "spiritual" teachings, no matter their origin, make much sense. For instance, the Integral Yoga founder claimed that it was thanks to his mental concentration that the Germans lost World War II. It was also claimed that by following the path Death itself would be overcome. That such claims were nothing but pure baloney never occurred to me, while I was the devout follower. And that's the big moral of my self-imposed tribulation: if you're a follower of anything, you'll be buying pure baloney left and right.
Now this is a Buddhist venue so the above may look a bit irrelevant. But rest assured, in the humongous body of traditions and paths collectively known as "Buddhism", there is similar craziness to be found which I could also have succumbed to a decade ago, with similar results. Take, for example, Chyogyam Trungpa, the teacher to whom a good amount of Buddhist tradition in the West can be traced. If you really knew his biography, you might not want to place complete trust in him or any of his followers. Read about it here:
http://www.strippingthegurus.com/stgsamplechapters/trungpa.asp
Now perhaps Zen Buddhism seems like a much more open-minded undogmatic alternative. Perhaps, but there are plenty of sins committed in its name:
http://www.strippingthegurus.com/stgsamplechapters/zen.asp
No, I'm not trying to discourage you from Buddhism or anything else. Buddhism or anything else is complex and has aspects that may be beneficial to you, but also harmful ones. I think a lot of Buddhist philosophy and practices are great ones that can enhance one's well-being, as long as you do not surrender yourself to some unscrupulous master's authority.
The key is use your own head above anything else. And if something doesn't make sense, just dump it, no matter how good it may make you feel. In the end, believing a lie will create more suffering than you tried to alleviate by believing so, of that I'm sure. Drop your faculty of reason once and you may end up in Waco, Texas. If some "master" is claimed to be fully "enlightened" (as a result of "dharma transmission" or what not), stay away from him or her as if they were a dangerous maniac. If it is said that someone, due to their "higher understanding" can do no wrong, be sure that the reason it is said may be precisely that they can get away with doing wrong. As soon as you concede that someone has "higher understanding" you're admitting that you have a "lower understanding" and give that someone a tremendous power over your mind. Don't do that to yourself. Trust yourself and respect your judgement-- you deserve it. Learn from others, but learn carefully-- the age of blind faith and unconditional trust is behind us.
...In retrospect, I realize that I could have avoided my own "spiritual" misadventures and addressed my thirst for a better life in much more down-to-earth ways. Moving away from my family for a while, joining an athletic team, getting a real girlfriend or changing a career path-- all of these may have revealed me another side of life and given me a better understanding of "how things work". Instead I chose to isolate myself in my vivid imagination and give the power of answering my questions to someone else. Looking for meaning in "the Beyond" (all that stuff we take on faith) is a path to nowhere because "the Beyond" is nowhere to be found. No one but you and nothing but your experience can ultimately answer the existential questions tormenting you, as Bob Marley sang: "Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our minds"
PS. I write on here occasionally, mostly to converse on various issues for my own entertainment. I think the above is the most useful and sincere post I've ever made. If I can help someone avoid the pit I fell into a decade ago, that'll be a very good thing. I felt so very alone and desperate back then, no one to share my anguish with and no one to share similar anguish with me. I still don't know The Way but I know what is not The way (and suspect there is no Way at all). Hope that helps, my younger brother or sister in the quest for Meaning.
0
Comments
Here's a mainstream link to an alternative view of Trungpa http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ch%C3%B6gyam_Trungpa
http://www.strippingthegurus.com/stgsamplechapters/dalai.asp
http://www.strippingthegurus.com/stgsamplechapters/thai.asp
Jeffrey,
I agree, the site overdoes it. Nevertheless, it is giving you some facts. For instance, the fact that Trungpa's apointee Osel Tendzin was aware of having AIDs and still kept having sex with his disciples (supposedly because he was "fully enlightened" and regular morals or precautions did not apply) infecting them. We don't have to agree with all the conclusions that are drawn from those facts but we can't reject the facts themselves-- by rejecting facts we're rejecting the foundations of what it is to be sane.
I'm not saying that Trungpa was "bad" in all respects (no one is)-- just like you, I enjoyed reading his books and the books of Pema Chodron. Nevertheless, my point is that you can't trust a guy like that completely. He got a lot of things right but he also got a lot of things wrong. What happens with many "spiritual seekers" is that they idolize their newly found tradition and its teacher and think that he is beyond any questioning. That's what I'm warning against.
My point, and I don't think you disagree with me, was to state that the site you linked is pretty much a smear site. What I mean by that and I think I can refer to your new found love of relationships and athletics. Imagine someone who only told the most horrible things that had happened in relationships and athletics. HIV cheating injuries egotism breakups. They could make relationships and athletics seem very negative. That is what I mean by smearing relationships and athletics. Similarly I have done many bad things. If I wrote to you all the bad things I had done and thought well I have never given anyone HIV but all the same if I reported only negative elements I could smear myself.
Thank you for this post.. if anybody identifies with what the OP said also look into Adyashanti and Mooji on Youtube. Their talks helped 'me' greatly, whilst into a massive state of supposed 'suicidal depression'.. heh as if 'i' in terms of little ol' me struggling in the corner of the universe actually existed outside of my thoughts.
Keep searching fellow seekers!! You'll realize what's been right in front of your face eventually.
true detachment can take as much as 3-4 lifetimes,let alone 3-4 years.
pls persevere,
metta
HUH? :eek:
peace