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Is it normal...?
Hello everyone! I am VERY new to Buddhist teachings...as in, I only started reading/learning/practicing about 3 weeks ago. I've read Thich Naht Hahn's The Heart of The Buddha's Teachings, Pema Chodron's The Places that Scare You and (currently) Buddhism without Beliefs by Stephen Batchelor. The information and perspectives in these books is the only knowledge I have at this point. Any other suggestions would be greatly appreciated! 
I guess my main question is, was starting out a difficult process for you? It has really been a tough journey for me so far. I've felt intense pain since beginning to look at myself and the world more closely. At first, I thought I was doing something "wrong". I was really concerned about it. Then I read in Pema's book that these feelings are typical.
Do you agree? Did you go through similar feelings of uneasiness and anxiety? I find it difficult because there are so few people around me who have gone through this process and I really wish there was someone further along this path that I could discuss these issues with. I feel more deeply connected to others, but at the same time...I feel completely alone. It's a very paradoxical place to be. I find myself longing to be comforted like I was in the past--to be able to ignore things that I didn't want to deal with. It is much tougher to sit with pain than to ignore it. I guess at this point, I'm wondering if it's even worth it to keep going. (I'm sure the answer is yes, but it's hard to keep that in focus at times.) I suppose I continue to want to protect myself... Anyway, that's where I am now.
I'm very glad to have found this forum and I look forward to reading and learning from all of you. I appreciate any feedback, tips, or suggestions you are able to provide.
I guess my main question is, was starting out a difficult process for you? It has really been a tough journey for me so far. I've felt intense pain since beginning to look at myself and the world more closely. At first, I thought I was doing something "wrong". I was really concerned about it. Then I read in Pema's book that these feelings are typical.
Do you agree? Did you go through similar feelings of uneasiness and anxiety? I find it difficult because there are so few people around me who have gone through this process and I really wish there was someone further along this path that I could discuss these issues with. I feel more deeply connected to others, but at the same time...I feel completely alone. It's a very paradoxical place to be. I find myself longing to be comforted like I was in the past--to be able to ignore things that I didn't want to deal with. It is much tougher to sit with pain than to ignore it. I guess at this point, I'm wondering if it's even worth it to keep going. (I'm sure the answer is yes, but it's hard to keep that in focus at times.) I suppose I continue to want to protect myself... Anyway, that's where I am now.
I'm very glad to have found this forum and I look forward to reading and learning from all of you. I appreciate any feedback, tips, or suggestions you are able to provide.
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Comments
Along time was spent looking for the answers I wanted to find, rather than learning the way things are actually are. It might be different for you, but it may well be the same.
Good luck!
Something starts to change after a while, and you would never want to go back to sticking your head in the sand. The anxiety gets replaced by a sorrowful sweet richness and fullness. Pema Chodron calls it a bittersweet feeling, much like unrequited love, a yearning.
That's totally my experience. I spent an aweful long time going into a dream world were everything was ok to being sucking back into a world (reality) where things arent perfect by the dreams standard.
The thing I learned the most was that, the feeling of being pulled back into reality was the worsed thing I've ever expereinced. It's best to stay mindfull of imperminence and not have that shock again.
I know of a couple of websites, which I usually recommend, that you can find more information on, especially self-study:
http://www.accesstoinsight.org
http://www.BuddhaNet.net
Certainly! I do not expect to know everything in 3 weeks. Or even in a lifetime. This is just where I am now and how I feel now.
Thank you for the links. I have been browsing Buddhistnet.net most of the day actually and it has been very helpful.
Ah, at this point I keep going back and forth between whether or not I want to just stick my head back in the sand. :-/ I either feel like an emotional wreck or I feel completely at peace. I'm practicing just accepting the feelings as they come, but I still struggle with the instinct to ignore the subjective pain because that would be easier. I keep wondering if it's worth it to put myself through this. Sometimes I feel that the answer is yes, and other times I feel that it's no.
Everything including you is imperminent, if that sometimes makes you feel bad, its just because your not used to knowing that. And thats ok, but if you spend as much time as you can knowing your gonna die and nothing is yours to keep forever, it gets easier.
The problem is not that things pass, the problem is that we don't want them to.
That actually isn't the cause of the negative feelings I've been experiencing. At least not directly. It comes more from realizing that I've been avoiding painful situations and memories instead of allowing myself to feel the pain. I've dealt with suffering by pushing it out of my mind and keeping busy with other things (negative habit energy is the term I've seen used). I've been grasping for happiness, holding tight to the things that make me happy, and avoiding things that make me unhappy. Really, these feelings come and go. And that's okay.
That's where it gets hard. To allow them to come and go without trying to change it. To be content where I am, no matter what emotion I might be experiencing. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't.
Some of this is deeper than often thought or understood.
We've all done that, it shouldn't cause any problems unless you think you should be perfect. If you didn't have a problem with imperminence you wouldn't have a problem letting things come and go either.
You know why right?
I don't think I was very clear in my previous post. It does come down to impermanence, but one way that shows up, for me, is avoidance of subjective pain.
No worries, i probably misunderstood you
Your not avoiding pain, you just think you are. Your avoiding suffering. Pain is fine alone.
From now on, give a try at considered Buddhism as a training of the mind to see pain/undesireable expereinces for what they really are and then living with what you find to be the true nature of them.
It may sound obvious but, the way we see the point of buddhism makes a massive difference to how effective it is.
But good luck, Rosie! May you experience everything life has to offer without suffering!
But as I study and practice more, I'm finding that it balances out. Yes, I realize more and more how imperfect I am. But I also realize more and more that Buddhism is incredibly accepting of that, and just like in the story of Angulimala, what's important is that I'm currently doing what I can to become better.
I may not go become a monk like in said story, and I still stray from the Eightfold because I'm human... but I've come to recognize just that: I -am- human. I've messed up, I'm messing up, and I will mess up. But at least I'm honest about those facts, and that's what Buddhism comes down to if you ask me: Honesty about reality, honesty about intentions, honesty in speech and so on. So no matter what, I can at least rest easily for that.
Blessings on your journey.
Mtns
I have not been long at Buddhism either but I have had a lot of experience in the realm of Personal Growth and I would say that growth is almost universally painful. It is the letting go of what has been and of who you have been. Occasionally people may have a "rapturous" conversion to a more spiritual life but my observation is that they inevitably have a lot of trouble when the honeymoon ends and some hard yards begin.
I have been very distraught at how I have behaved in my life to date. However, I have also had some strong feelings of now being on the right path and there has been an abiding joy connectedness and gladness in that.
I can also identify with your feelings of aloneness. Suddenly you really see how crazy the world is. Like you, I too only have other "cyber-buddhists" to talk to at this time but I have found the forum here useful and supportive.
All the best to you.
Lucky for me thought I had have learned a few lessons that I can now bring to my spiritual journey. While pursuing the mastery of classical guitar, and healthy eating, I learned to enjoy the process. I learned that what we look at as tasks or chores are really an end in itself so things like practicing daily or cooking the food I eat can be a very pleasant and positive experience if I do it with good intentions and focus.
Well I have brought these skills into my pursuit of knowledge and with that, I'm willing to let things change.
I read somewhere that one of the basic "needs" of living things for survival is homeostasis. Which is simply that living organisms try to maintain\regulate their environment so it does not change even when the change is a positive one.
so when one tries to explore new venues even for something as good as quitting smoking etc... your own self will try to resist the change and so will people around you.
I experience this as I got healthy and lost 50lbs even people round you tend to undermine what you do (offering treats, ribbing you etc) as you follow your path. You as well will undermine yourself.
So the easiest way to maintain homeostasis is to avoid all change whether it's beneficial or not, and we continue to walk the path without focus and with our eyes closed.
So yes I know how you feel, but fortunately for me, I have learned from music and health to embrace the process, to be aware of homeostasis and accept it as a fact of life. I have learned to walk with my eyes open.
What I'm saying here is from my own experience with no spiritual teachings behind it. It is simply what I have found and what works for me.
Life is a paradox, and even more so when one questions things and follows the path of Buddhism. But what's the alternative a life of sameness with no change and no spice... I would find that boring and sad. So when I'm in pain, sad and so on, I stop to think and know that that too will change and that it's what makes the good times what they are... otherwise life would be boring.
Yes you have a choice you can continue to question everything and in the process learn to enjoy all that you do, or you can go back to the way you were, and continue to walk in your sleep.
However the fact that you are here, and that you are questioning at all leads me to believe that you will not longer be able to go back to sleep.
I know that once woken up, I cannot just go back to sleep. Life is just to short, too beautiful, and too interesting to let it pass by.
So be patient, trust in yourself, go slow and enjoy the journey!
All the best,
ivan
That book is criticized by many.
I'm sure it is. Any idea that goes against tradition will generally be criticized by many. Personally, I prefer to read and discover for myself if something has merit or not. If not for this attitude, I would have never even begun to explore Buddhism at all.
I do appreciate your input, but it might be more helpful to know what your specific issues with the book are. That would make for a more interesting and useful discussion.
Thanks for the encouragement Ivan. I wish you the best on your journey as well.
You are never alone. The mind may 'THINK' of some concept of i that's alone and try to latch onto others that have the same experiences (all of mankind has the same experiences obviously if they're attached to the same notions) lol. But You my friend..your true nature is all encompassing. Ask yourself this question. Who are you?