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My dilemma
Deshy
Veteran
I have this problem troubling me and would like some advice please. I'll keep it short
Yesterday I saw my mum crying in the kitchen and when I asked her why she was saying that I am not going to get married. To make matters worse my sister recently gave an announcement to my mum that she is NEVER gonna have kids...EVER ... No grandchildren...
I explained to her the best I can that I am celibate and I have no interest whatsoever in any sexual relationship. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand my meditation and all the sutta books either. She is confused and worried.
What can I do guys? I know I shouldn't be asking folks in an internet forum of a life's decision but I have got pretty lame lately
1) Should I not cling to my celibacy and get married so that my mum will be happy
2) Or should I get on with my life knowing that my mum will be unhappy
This is a major dilemma I know it is selfish of her to put me in this situation but she has sacrificed so much to bring us up so I cannot just say "this is my life". It's complicated. Besides my mum is worried that I will be left alone with no one to take care of me when she dies ...
What would you do if you were me?
Yesterday I saw my mum crying in the kitchen and when I asked her why she was saying that I am not going to get married. To make matters worse my sister recently gave an announcement to my mum that she is NEVER gonna have kids...EVER ... No grandchildren...
I explained to her the best I can that I am celibate and I have no interest whatsoever in any sexual relationship. She doesn't get it. She doesn't understand my meditation and all the sutta books either. She is confused and worried.
What can I do guys? I know I shouldn't be asking folks in an internet forum of a life's decision but I have got pretty lame lately
1) Should I not cling to my celibacy and get married so that my mum will be happy
2) Or should I get on with my life knowing that my mum will be unhappy
This is a major dilemma
I know it is selfish of her to put me in this situation but she has sacrificed so much to bring us up so I cannot just say "this is my life". It's complicated. Besides my mum is worried that I will be left alone with no one to take care of me when she dies ...What would you do if you were me?
0
Comments
Nios.
If you adjust your life to please her, you won't be doing anybody any favors, not her, and especially not you and your hypothetical partner and prospective children.
I would say take a Zen mindset to the whole matter. You cannot control your mother's emotions or reactions to news she considers bad so don't concern yourself over it at all. You lose your buddha mindset when you do.
Now as to celibacy, obviously that's your choice, and really unrelated to the matter you mentioned. None of us can truly predict what's "comin' down the pipe" save what we create with karma. For all you know, tomorrow you and/or your sister might meet someone who pushes all those right buttons, and causes you both to rethink celibacy. It's a "crap shoot" to use vulgar vernacular. Thus, it's best not to dwell on the consequences of a chosen life of celibacy any more than to perceive that you have caused suffering by your choice.
I wish you well
Nanimo
Tell her you will have kids when THEY are ready to be born. She's probably afraid she wont see it ..because she will be dead.
Tell her that TheFound says marriage is useless and sex is to make babies. Tell her to smarten up (or use nicer words like, "be more open-minded", because she's making you feel like shit over nothing....
Clinging to her delusional views of society....you know.. I have a person in my life that is like that. She really cares what other people think. She thinks a womans place is in the kitchen. (I'm a man though for future reference)
.... She wants grandchildren for selfish reasons..she wants to fit society's PROFILE so she can go to social gatherings and talk about me, and how "WELL" i'm doing.. give me a break..
apparently having a husband or wife, and having kids and a career means you are advancing in life ..
LOL.. noobs..
So handle it delicately, I know some people I term OLD SCHOOL, are unwavering in their ignorance, clinging to their views, because they are foolish and afraid.. mostly afraid.. I got kicked out of her house because I told her God probably doesn't exist..
Wow TF this is a pretty good, to the point, in the face reply... hehehe... I should use this language to my mum once in a while you know. Thanks
As you said this whole thing is partially about maintaining social status for her.
And thanks everyone for all the helpful replies. Really appreciate your time
I'm a mother of a 20 year old myself and I would be sad if my son decided not to marry and have children but it would be his, and only his decision.
Your mum is just being the way mums often are with their daughters. She loves you and wants what she thinks is best for you according to her own way of seeing the world.
If you are an adult you can't live your life to please your mum (other than being kind to her and helping out when you can) you have to make your own decisions.
Tell her gently and lovingly that its what you really want in your own life and ask her if she can just accept that and be happy for you.
Kind wishes,
Dazzle
.
Thanks Dazz and everyone else for your kind replies.
Actually I had a chat with my mum and explained to her that I got to make my own decisions. I guess our parents don't understand all these; as you said they are used to looking at the world the normal way. I just told my mum that if she wants to see me happy then I am happier now than ever before. That really cheered her up
Btw. TF is a really funny guy lol
Sometimes I think it'd be awesome if I were that strong
I'm married but neither of us wants babies at this point. We just don't the see the point in it-- such a huge, difficult commitment and for what? If the instinct to nurture does awaken, it would be more reasonable for us to try and help some of the multitudes of neglected children that already exist.
...As for parents, they always have a vision for us, that probably never changes. I think it's important to always stick to our guns once we're past our teenage years but do so very gently.
It is hard at times to understand how others may not want children when you have a mindset like that. It is expected. Probably reminiscent of what many think of sons or daughters becoming monks, priests, nuns and not ever wanting children.
We have been taught that lineages are to be continued. From royalty to pauper we have been conditioned to believe that no matter what, our dna must go on. We are a funny bunch indeed.
Celibacy is not a choice you make and keep by sheer will power. It's a natural state of mind that has come from dispassion for a very crude form of sensual pleasure. (By all means I am not saying I have destroyed all defilement lol.. I still have a lot of other modes of cravings).
The point I am trying to make is, if you feel that you need to be strong to be celibate then you are not ready for that yet. We don't practice to be celibate. As we practice we naturally incline towards celibacy. It's a comfortable state rather than a forced choice of act.
The way I see it is that it is best to get your mum to embrace the Dhamma.