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I am a Buddhist-My wife is not
Theswingisyellow
Trying to be open to existenceSamsara Veteran
Hello all this is my first post here. Let me start by saying thank you for taking the time to read my question and offer any insight one may have. Let me tell you about myself and my Path. I am a registered nurse who works in hte ER, I am married for 18 years to the same wonderful woman and have to young sons ages 4 and 6. As far as my path I started reading about Buddhism in 1998. Read much theory and had a few fits and starts of trying to practice, but stopped. Last year in October I started looking at Buddhism again and it struck me differently. I let go of the idea of trying to attain anything (enlightenment, Samadi,ect...) and just meditated because it felt right. I also started reading some of my old books and my appreation and understanding was different and deeper. It seemed to come easier and make a lot of sense. If I follow any lineage per se it would be Zen, Mahayana and Tibetian. I am not part of a Sanga, though I would like to be but know of none near me. The insights I have attained in my Path have created a tremendous sense of joy, calm, compassion and love in me that is difficult to put into words. My appreciation for my life, my family and my work has increased exponentially. The thing that amazes me is it's not work, I am not trying to be something, it just flows naturally much to my joy. The difficulty that has arisen is my wife seems to have some difficulty with it. She seems to like the Buddhism without the Buddhism. The philosophy is all good but that's where it stops. She doesn't seem to care for any pictures, my small Buddha statue and altar, or really even any discussion about Buddhism. I feel she thinks it's great that I am thoughtful, loving, compassionate and all those good things but it would be all that much better if Buddha was not involved. She was raised Catholic but is not religious. I don't push any of my beliefs on her nor do I even discuss the subject unless she questions me. I try to meditate twice a day, usually 30 minutes in the AM and 45 minutes to one hour at night. I don't spend an inordinante amount of time in my practice either reading or meditating, so it is not time taken away from my family. She just seems to hold a negative view of it. I feel a sense that her sentiments are a hindrance to my practice and my "I" feels unappreciated (still haven't got the emptiness thing down yet:D) my wife means so very much to me and I am still strongly attached to her views of me. Maybe I should keep it as private and as low key as I can so as not to upset her with the iconography. As I said I generally don't speak of my practice and certainly don't push it. Threre just seems to be this undercurrent of disatissfaction. i remember a few years back when I started to practice i had a small wooden Buddha, she really did not care for it. I feel her lack of support in the past was unskillful and probably contributed to me not continueing my practice at that time. I know this is a teaching lesson and she is my teacher, but it is difficult and I would apprecite any insight offered here.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
gate gate paragate parasamegate bodhi svaha!
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
gate gate paragate parasamegate bodhi svaha!
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Comments
Look at it from your wife's point of view, you've started reading all these odd books again and spend hours sitting quietly in front of a statue of a little fat oriental guy, it's only a small step away from shaving all your hair off & joining a cult.....:p
Seriously though, many people (myself included, a long time ago) get the wrong idea about Buddhism and think that your ultimate goal may be to go off & live in a retreat somewhere or spend hours at your local temple. Sometimes it's difficult to explain to people what it's all about without sounding self righteous or pompous, but after a while she'll hopefully find that your practice will make you a nicer person. Stick with it, take it easy & try not to fill the house with books & Buddhas !!
If you do not attach the term 'Buddhism', you are living your life skilfully and mindfully.
The Four Noble Truths, The Eightfold Path and the Five Precepts contain absolutely nothing about religion, or even specifically Buddhism. But they could apply to any religion you might want to put them to.
You can do one of two things:
You can either push the matter, and probe, ask and enquire as to what precisely your practise does to make her feel uneasy, jealous, and resentful of the fact that you have found a new level of peace and serenity that apparently she hasn't (but maybe secretly, unconsciously wishes she could) - {which is in and of itself a diagnosis by me of what the inherent underlying problem is, which is entirely presumptuous of me...but through direct personal experience, I can equate}..
OR
You can simply continue silently, setting an example of how contented you are, live your life skilfully and serenely, until she gets to bursting point and brings it all to the surface on her own...
Meditation can be practised skilfully for five minutes well, rather than for 45 minutes guiltily.... I mentioned this in a thread on a similar vein from another member who is also experiencing....challenges...within her relationship....Any time you used to spend with her, that you now spend in Meditation - is time taken away from her. It's really that simple...
Sometimes, without realising it, no wanting it, we can unknowingly be a bit "in your face" with our new-found level of practice. When a calling of this nature changes us to the degree where we feel we have reached a wonderful level of understanding, to us it is marvellous. to others it is dumbfounding, incomprehensible and alien. It's an unknown to them, a transformation they neither expected nor necessarily wanted. "I mean, we were so fine before... why are you doing this to us now...?"
it's a side of you they never thought to see..... it's hard to accept such a change in people, of this nature.
Emotional attachments are exactly that. Attachments. One day, in one manner or another, we must relinquish those attachments. Until such a time, juggling these emotional commitments, with our commitment to our practise, is a hard-won skill....
Just points to ponder.....:)
Thank you for your time and your thoughtful responses. I think I must let go of my attachment to wanting my wife's approval. It would seem there are many attachments I have relinquished, but those I have in relation to my wife seem the hardest to relinquish. For me the Dharma has been a treasure, again this is a type of attachment I don't want to change. The creek at the back edge of my property reminds me of the impermanent ever changeing nature of this life, I must keep it in mind and not set the wheel of samsara in motion. Ken I believe I will keep it low key and Frederica I believe I will continue on, albeit silently, as you suggested. Again thanks for your insights. A deep gassho to the both of you.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
gate gate paragate parasamgate bohi svha!
i was thinking MAN WHAT THE F*** , thanks for rubbing it into my face like a handful of donkey dung ha ha but ok sorry to be serious, if you are a buddhist and your wife is not, there's usually a simple and easy option to such dilemma.
you must kill her
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
gate gate paragate parasamgate bohi svha!
but if it's true she's hot she may deserve another chance.
maybe she has a deep catholicized anti-buddhist aversion lodged deep in her rectum and she isn't able to get it out, does she come from a rigid catholic background or is it relatively relaxed? catholicism gets lodged in the rectum pretty hard and easily. maybe she has a problem with it cause you keep casting voodoo spells all over the place ha HA HA
but seriously, in my opinion every relationship must be completely honest and sincere, and it seems in this situation she is the one that needs to face up to her obstinance and closed mind. if the relationship is strong, then it shouldn't hurt to rock the boat too much and confront her directly on this. but of course, try to be as compassionate as possible. but if this were me, and she were my girlfriend, this would be inexcusable, i wouldn't even go out with a girl in the first place if she didn't accept my buddhism. i mean, this is your religion, or whatever you consider it, and in positive, open and loving relationships, when your partner shuns a significant aspect of that part of you, this is a problem.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
gate gate paragate parasamgate bohi svha!
Your wife may consider them superstitious, childish or the like.
:smilec:
Namaste.
"Everyone is following the path that is right for them at this time".
This includes you, this also includes your wife. Just as you wish for her blessing on your path, you must also give her your blessing on her path. Sometimes that is difficult to do, but it is always an excellent exercise in learning to live our own path.
My partner is not Buddhist, is not ... anything in terms of belief. But he allows me my space for my path, and has even come to realize that it is any easy choice when buying a birthday present for me. I have found it easy to allow him his own path because I have strong Buddhism-based friendships within my sangha.
I suspect that California is teeming with dharma centers. Check out dharmanet.org, where Buddhist centers/groups are listed by area. That "hole" can be filled by a sangha.
My sister, in a far city, is a Buddhist, and her husband is one, too. After 13 years of practice, he is finally starting to see that maybe he shouldn't yell so much. I said, "see", not "alter". I tell you this only to make the point that even when a couple shares Buddhism, it does not necessarily make things easier.
dhamma Dhatu I see what you are saying. I tend to be a very visual person, I like to draw and oil paint, and these things are visual reminders for me.
"Everyone is following the path that is right for them at this time".
Foiblefull thank you for your advice. Though difficult to do it is something I must work on and keep in mind.
Floating Abu thank you for your words and support. I will just keep on keeping on as they say.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
gate gate paragate parasamgate bohi svha!
Maybe you could try replacing the statue of the Buddha on you altar with a photograph or painting of that stream by your house that reminds you of impermanence, and see if your wife's comfort level increases.
Well Wishes
The impression is your marriage is not providing you with filial fulfilment.
Instead, the impression is you need some new family members.
Soon, you may have semi-naked pictures of the goddess Tara on your walls.
Sure you are! What are we, chopped liver?
Wishing you the best,
Mtns (RN)
In the end all the ego trees will die when they bear fruit. Only the trees of awakening will survive. Don't give up.
Sometimes a big change in the person that we love can be frightening. We can get it into our head that they are growing away from us.
Perhaps you could lean more heavily on making her realize how much you love her, and how much she means to your life. Just add this metta practice to what you are already practicing, and see if it doesn’t add some balance.
Just an idea,
S9
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd