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Non Attachment
Hello-
I'm new here. My name is Jessie.
I joined this site because I am very interested in Buddhism and I especially want to learn more about non attachment
My ex boyfriend has introduced me to all this. He is quite good at being non attached because we were together for two years, broke up almost a year ago and he has never had an issue with us continuing our relationship very much the way it always was. Yet we are not "together" or "exclusive" and he dates other women. He also says that he does not understand the emotion of jealousy and so it has been hard for him to understand why I've had trouble with our situation.
Honestly, I have had an enormously difficult time this past year accepting that he does not want to be with me anymore and that he doesn't seem to have the same feelings that I do nor understand why I feel the way I do. I am very new to Buddhism and I'd like to reach the point of non attachment that he has because I'm sure it would help me a great deal with all this and with many other challenges in my life.
Could anyone help me begin to understand why it is that my ex says he loves me and still treats me like his girlfriend in many ways, yet he does not want to be with me and he wants to see other people? I've never met a person quite like him. I want to learn more about this but I don't really know where to begin.
Thanks!
I'm new here. My name is Jessie.
I joined this site because I am very interested in Buddhism and I especially want to learn more about non attachment
My ex boyfriend has introduced me to all this. He is quite good at being non attached because we were together for two years, broke up almost a year ago and he has never had an issue with us continuing our relationship very much the way it always was. Yet we are not "together" or "exclusive" and he dates other women. He also says that he does not understand the emotion of jealousy and so it has been hard for him to understand why I've had trouble with our situation.
Honestly, I have had an enormously difficult time this past year accepting that he does not want to be with me anymore and that he doesn't seem to have the same feelings that I do nor understand why I feel the way I do. I am very new to Buddhism and I'd like to reach the point of non attachment that he has because I'm sure it would help me a great deal with all this and with many other challenges in my life.
Could anyone help me begin to understand why it is that my ex says he loves me and still treats me like his girlfriend in many ways, yet he does not want to be with me and he wants to see other people? I've never met a person quite like him. I want to learn more about this but I don't really know where to begin.
Thanks!
0
Comments
Welcome.
In Buddhism, non-attachment is letting go of emotions which, if acted out, will cause harm & suffering to others.
If I am in a relationship and I feel sexually attracted to other person, non-attachment is letting go of that sexual attraction in order to remain faithful to my relationship.
From a Buddhist view point, your friend is attached. He is practising "detachment" rather than "non-attachment".
He sounds like a very common type of man, that can be labelled "voyeuristic". Sex is an escape and an indulgence to him rather than something personal, connected and emotional.
Your love, care & feelings are normal. They are real and kind.
His mentality is different.
You are attached to him because sex has the nature to attach people to eachother, especially in women.
You see, your sexuality, body & mind is ultimately designed for baby making. As a woman, when you have sex with a man, you hold him with your body within you and take his seed within you.
If you have a baby, your whole psychology is bent towards looking after that baby; of maintaining a family unit.
Although your mind probably does not think about having babies, your body does.
The psychology and sexuality of a woman is strongly designed towards this filial attachment.
Jessie.
All I can say is your intention and understanding are not beneficial here and not correct.
You are stuck on this boy. Although it will cause you pain, heartache, heartbreak and sorrow, my advice to you is to let him go. Drop him.
You have a loving heart and he does not have a loving heart.
He has stimulated love in you although he cannot return it.
Please never think you are unworthy or lesser than him.
Please do not let your love deceive you.
Your love in instinctual (rather than rational).
He does not love you. He is simply a typical boy playing and indulging in experiences.
He probably takes drugs as well, indulging in psychadelic mental states.
You are certainly infatuated with him.
But your view of non-attachment is not the manner as is intended in Buddhism.
What would you do if you could develop this "non-attachment"? Engage in the kind of harmful and insensitive sexual behaviour he is behaving in?
Try to give him up in your heart. Try to see he will only increase your pain.
Please try to develop the self-awareness that you have a good heart and deserve and are worthy of someone who will return the quality of love you have to give.
Often we give our whole heart to something but fail. Try to accept failure and start again. Try to see he is not unable to fulfil your wishes and bring you happiness.
Please do not judge yourself in a untrue way due to what others do.
With kindness
DD
As a tender guy who is capable of great love, I can tell you that this is typical human behavior, not typical boy behavior. A good friend of mine was recently dumped, and his girlfriend told him that she didn't believe in long term commitment because she was practicing non-attachment. Humanity is a mess, not just men.
You need to stop seeing this guy, and that includes just as a friend. Surround yourself with positive and mature people and move on with your life.
Thank you for your input. I do agree with some of what you've said here. I am infatuated with him and way too attached. As far as the sex and him having an addiction to it, I'm not so sure. He recently told me that he does not feel any personal or connected feelings when he has sex with me. This was a bit of a shock because it always seemed that he did, but I just figured it's because he is a man.
He was a virgin before we were together. It seems to me that part of it is he wants to have more experiences, which I can understand. Since we broke up and he told me he wishes to date other people (while practically still dating me) and not be "tied down" to anything, he has only gone on a couple dates and had sex with one other girl. I think he is very insecure about himself when it comes to women. He is 25 and has never had another relationship. During the time that we were together, he got a lot of grief from his friends and family about me being "way out of his league". I know this has bothered him deeply because he recently admitted so.
As far as drugs, he does not indulge in them at all. He'll hardly even touch alcohol and he has been intoxicated twice in his life. He's always given me guilt for experiencing these things more than he has, even though I barely ever drink myself.
I do agree that I am way too hung up on him and it would be easiest if I let him go and kept him out of my life. The biggest problem I have with doing this is that I do believe he genuinely loves and cares for me (though maybe not romantically). I don't believe he knows how to be in a romantic relationship. At this point, he tells me I am his best friend and I don't want to push him away and have him lose a friendship. I think it's possible he is NOT non-attached like he says he is, and only emotionally immature/out of touch with his emotions. I've questioned this so many times. He tells me that to him all love is the same. He loves me the same way he loves his friends and family. I sort of understand this, but I'd think he'd have different feelings towards me than he would towards his mother.
I am very happy that I misjudged him.
Possibly, he is simply not ready for the kind of committment you wish of him.
This is normal.
At least for me, when a man is mature, he has a sense of responsibility. When immature, he is a little lost.
Often 'romance' is not the realm of a man. Often, a man must be more rational about his motives.
Still, he is not 'non-attached'. He simply sounds unsure of himself, unsure of you and unsure of what role 'relationship' plays in his life.
Just as a personal example, rather than a general comment, when I as a man personally saw with wisdom the committment woman generally wished for in relationship, my views towards relationship changed drastically.
But often when people begin exploring sex & relationships, often their motives are not clear to them.
Kind regards
There is a remarkable difference between non-attachment and what you're describing in your experience of him. The biggest clue is the lack of personal feelings during sexual encounters... this tells me that there are some things shut down in him that is 180 degrees different than healthy.
I can only guess without dancing with him directly, but it sounds like a deeply rooted fear of some kind, casting a veil so thick his "detachment" is like a mind wondering around in a fog. I wonder if he sees you? Do his words correctly reflect where you're coming from? Do you feel he knows you?
I wonder why you have become transfixed on someone who defined your relationship as broken-up with benefits? If this is not something you enjoy, it would probably be best to move along. Being friends is one thing, but I can hear in you a deep empathy, that given freedom from this union, could find something with more reciprocity. Relationships can take on many forms, and if you like this kind of connection, by all means keep it. If not, it might be better to shrug and move on, rather than attempting to solve the riddle of the man.
Either way, your courage is admirable.
With warmth,
Matt
Thank you for your insight. Most of what you've said feels very accurate. I often feel that he does not know me. He is also a very critical person and seems to point out my bad qualities more often than pointing out my good ones. For a long time I thought this was good for me. Good to be around someone that would be brutally honest with me in order to push me in the right direction.
I don't know why it's been so hard for me to just let go and say goodbye, but I am working towards doing so.
I hope it didn't seem that I was insulting men. I only meant that as far as the sexual aspect of it all, maybe his lack of emotion was more of a male trait.
Thanks for your advice. Right now I don't have much else going on in my life and I believe that once I meet more people and find more hobbies and activities to do in my spare time, I'll feel less of a desire to include him in my life.
Critical people tend to be corrosive to us, undermining our self esteem to keep us attached to them (if he keeps you looking at your own stink, you might not notice his.) Often, its also as a means to convince us that we need them in order to see these things about us that we didn't notice. This is not worth it, it just feeds his bad habits and makes us feel inferior.
Sooner or later, you'll end up believing the criticism, and that is just a shame as I doubt you fit many of his observations. You appear to be intelligent, well spoken and compassionate.
His apparent lack of self-esteem is not surprising. When his critic is not on duty thrashing at you, I bet its flogging him. If you're out of his league, maybe its time to move up out of the minors?
Good luck Jessie,
Matt