Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Self Conciousness
Is lots of craving. Craving is suffering. Can I find a way to not crave looking better, or not reject the way I look now?
0
Comments
An unhealthy body-image is thinking that our body is repulsive and other people's bodies are attractive. In Buddhism, a healthy body image is seeing the repulsiveness in everyone's bodies, including our own. Not to get negative about it, but to be realistic about it. We all know that our bodies contain urine, feces, blood, saliva, sweat, stomach acid, etc. But is that what we see? Too often we are deluded into thinking that the human body is beautiful. But really we are only seeing what we want to see, not the whole picture.
For example, the modelling industry. The pictures you see on magazines of supermodels is a fantasy world, it doesn't exist in reality. Before those models go into print their faces are covered with massive amounts of make up, then the photos are airbrushed to take out any "imperfections". Before they even get to that stage, they have to go to crazy lengths to try to get their body the size and shape that the magazine's want. A lot of prospective models are unsuccessful. Even those who are "successful" have very short-lived careers due to the natural process of aging which leaves them jobless when the next generation (maybe 2 or 3 years younger) takes over.
I am not suggesting that every woman wants to be a supermodel, but many women have unhealthy body-images because they don't live up to unrealistic expectations that are imposed on them from society. The same principle is also applicable to men. Men are "supposed" to be a certain way: muscular, strong, handsome, etc. The truth is otherwise. Most of us do not meet the "ideal" standards that society wants us to be, and even if/when we do, it is impermanent. So if we recognize impermanence and realize that ultimately we can't control the way our body looks we save ourselves from a lot of suffering. Sure, we can exercise, eat healthy, but ultimately it is unavoidable that our bodies will get old, get sick and eventually die and decay.
So why worry?
With Metta,
Guy
For example, the Buddha taught a woman has three worldly powers, namely, beauty, wealth & morality.
However, he taught morality is the most important quality, that even if a woman is wealthy & beautiful but does not have morality, good people wish to avoid her.
Similarly, he taught if a woman with attractive morality is not beautiful or wealthy, good people are happy to have her in their company.
Personality, trustworthiness, ethics, a good heart is best.
:smilec:
Do not try to stop craving. You cannot stop cravings - you can only let go of them (some of them will fade with time; some won't, but it won't matter to you anymore).
Do not reject cravings. Rejection never works for long. Why? Think of your craving as an "enemy". When you reject something, you turn your back on it ... but then it is free to sneak up from behind and hit you over the head. No, keep the craving where you can see it.
Pema Chodron says when you are faced with an urge (craving):
"Don't indulge. Don't ignore. Don't speed right past (she means, don't get yourself busy to distract yourself from it). Stay present."
Observe your craving, then let it go ... over and over again. With time, you will start to see where this craving arises from. Then you observe that and let it go. Gradually, it gets easier to let go, and the craving loses its ability to push you around.
Here are some techniques you can use:
- When you see this craving, remind yourself of how old people look and realize that even if you achieve the degree of attractiveness you want, you will lose it as you age. Why attach yourself to something so inescapably impermanent and fruitless? Why invest so much energy into something that will only disappoint you in the end?
- Put your body in its "place". It is, after all, only a vehicle you use in this life. Not sure of that? Stand in front of a mirror. With both hands, pull your lips open to see your teeth. Now move your jaw up and down, around and around ... you will see that your body is a only skeleton covered by muscle, sinew and skin. It's a new way of viewing your physical self.
- Meditate. That "quiet place" shows you a new way of viewing your psychological self ... and of viewing your craving.
- Remind yourself that the secret of happiness is NOT found in getting what we want and in avoiding what we don't want. Instead, it is FREEDOM from being controlled by craving, desire, attachment and aversion.
- And be compassionate ... observe the dissatisfaction that drives this craving, and care about the inner feelings of pain you feel that initiate this craving ... own that part of you, stroke its head with loving kindness. But be a good parent and don't let it run wild ... tell yourself that YOU want to be in charge, not your craving.
Above all, be patient. Give yourself time. There is nothing you can do in life that matches the importance of finding this freedom, and nothing that holds greater reward for happiness. Instead of focusing on "someday", focus on "here and now". This path is a path of living fully and richly in the present.
"Looking better" is a trend set in the mainstream culture. You know like in the advertisements. "You buy this to look prettier, sexier etc". Why fall into their trap? The desire to look better will never end just like any other desire. When you look good you will want to look better and even better. So let it go. It's not as important as it is made to sound like.
A child is raised under the reign of "what do they want/allow me to do?". When (If) the child matures, the person serves a new master, "what is needed with or without what is wanted/allowed of me?"
The fear of judgment is used in societies so as to attempt to bring order and control and often even to create destruction (a very recent usage). Thus to avoid such a fear is often difficult and hard to get rid of once acquired. People want you to fear their judgment so they may have more influence on you.
Your attachment to them is the issue. You must stop wanting or feeling the need for their approval for any reason. But that can get you into serious trouble. Thus confidence must be gained so that you can face their judgment without concern of consequences. That is difficult at times, but is not impossible.
Self confidence is gained by delightfully practicing what works, bit by bit.
I used to work in social care, helping sick people to wash, dress and so on. I can categorically state that the human body in all it's forms *is* beautiful, wonky bits and all.
Buddhist practice can help, but it will be slow and painful. You will want as much support as you can muster along the way.
In Buddhism, there are four type of delusion:
1) Taking that which is impermanent to be permanent
2) Taking that which is suffering to be happiness
3) Taking that which is not self to be self
4) Taking that which is ugly to be beautiful
What part, specifically, of the human body is beautiful? That which is normally visible is either head hair, body hair, nails, teeth or skin. Is head hair or body hair "beautiful" when it is on the bathroom floor? Are nails "beautiful" after you cut them off and put them in the bin? Would you want to put them in a picture frame and hang them on your wall so that when visitors come you can show them your beautiful toe nails? How about teeth? Are they beautiful when your dentist has to pull one out all covered in blood? I have heard that 75% of household dust is human skin, is dust beautiful?
That's just the external stuff, there's also the spleen, the colon, the bladder, the stomach, the liver, etc. Not to mention all the gooey slimely stuff that's in those organs. If you like ooze and slime then I can see why you think the body is beautiful.
Mtns
Two things:
1. "Ugly" is a matter of opinion.
2. What part of the human body *isn't* beautiful? I mean, if you stop and think about it, each and every part has its perfect place and its perfect function. Unless messed with by abuse or ravaged by disease, to see a body part functioning the way it's supposed to function is incredibly beautiful. If you've ever seen a beating heart with your own eyes you can't help but be astounded and humbled. I've even seen an intestine doing the parastaltic wave (not the kind you do at football games either) right in front of my eyes, and it was incredible. Just doing its job is all, but amazing to see. Look closely into someone's eye and marvel at the hundreds of microscopically small muscles that make the pupil constrict or dilate. Admire the perfect form of an athlete in the midst of a perfect throw of a ball. It's all beautiful.
Mtns
Ooze and slime? Nothing wrong with that. Pus is actually formed from a throng of very tiny living beings, for example. And the kind of slime that hangs around the back of your fridge for example, could very well be "slime mould", halfway between fungus and an amoeba, and actually quite beautiful when viewed close up.
Why should I be repulsed by such things?
I think learning more about Buddhism and non-attachment and not-self, have helped me be more accepting and less concerned with my appearance, and rather focus more on what I have inside and who I am as a person.
Very often what we think we want isn’t really what we want at all. The advertisement industry in this country realizes this and so they wrap things in such a way that you run around buying things in order to get other things that are often nothing to do with each other.
Beauty is a very big product in this country, when in fact what most of us really want is love and happiness.
This is a secret I learned in life, if you want something to come into your own life give it to someone else. Do you want to be loved? Than love others. Do you want to be happy? Than make others happy. Karma travels in a circle and comes right back to you.
Think about it for a minute. If someone makes you happy or loves you, don’t you feel so good towards them that you cannot do enough for them?
Now use your energy wisely, not in miles and miles of regret, but in planning how to use wisely what you do have, your capacity to love and share happiness with others. Enjoy your life in this way, and cause others to enjoy their lives too.
How you look in the mirror has very little to do with what is really important in life.
Just think of all of the so called, "beautiful people," whose lives are a disaster.
Warm Regards,
S9
If you don't have one already and can find an offline Buddhist group, that might be helpful also.
Kind wishes to you,
Dazzle
.
We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one I think.
I know its a cliche, but that is really what makes a person beautiful or not, whether or not their mind is full of beautiful qualities.
Accept your feelings.
Ask them how long they want to stay.
Bid them farewell.
Repeat as necessary.