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Advice on Loving-Kindness Meditation
This is one of the forms of meditation I've been most interested in. I've always wanted to develop my compassion to higher and higher levels. However, when I found out that you have to first use yourself as the subject of loving-kindness meditation and expand it from there, I found myself groaning.
Growing up I always pretty much hated myself. Now that I'm older I don't feel that way anymore. At least, I didn't think I did. Now that I think about it I dismiss compliments and avoid the subject of my own self worth pretty much constantly. So maybe I just suppressed it.
I was a pretty emotional guy up until two years ago when a series of tragedies occurred, some of which I blamed myself for. I spent a year in constant anger and hatred for myself that quite literally never left me for more than a minute. After a while I just got exhausted and stopped caring about it. After that I feel like my emotions have been suppressed. Since starting to meditate I think they're getting a bit stronger, though.
Anyway, what I was getting at is I don't really know how I'm supposed to start this process if I'm not that keen on self compassion. I tried on a whim this morning during a meditation session to try loving kindness meditation. I didn't remember the actual mantra so I just said in my head "May I be free from suffering, May I be happy." Tears streamed down my face harder each time I said it in my head. Even now it's happing a bit just typing it. I only said it three times before I switched back to focusing on the breath. They say you have to be really sincere with this stuff, but I don't even know how much I mean it. How do I know if I mean it?
Edit: Also, whenever I try to do meditation on emotion like the fellow said in a guided meditation I was listening to a few weeks ago, I inevitably find a sinking, empty feeling in my chest. Is that just always there and I just don't notice it, or am I manifesting it for the sake of the exercise? I try not to.
Growing up I always pretty much hated myself. Now that I'm older I don't feel that way anymore. At least, I didn't think I did. Now that I think about it I dismiss compliments and avoid the subject of my own self worth pretty much constantly. So maybe I just suppressed it.
I was a pretty emotional guy up until two years ago when a series of tragedies occurred, some of which I blamed myself for. I spent a year in constant anger and hatred for myself that quite literally never left me for more than a minute. After a while I just got exhausted and stopped caring about it. After that I feel like my emotions have been suppressed. Since starting to meditate I think they're getting a bit stronger, though.
Anyway, what I was getting at is I don't really know how I'm supposed to start this process if I'm not that keen on self compassion. I tried on a whim this morning during a meditation session to try loving kindness meditation. I didn't remember the actual mantra so I just said in my head "May I be free from suffering, May I be happy." Tears streamed down my face harder each time I said it in my head. Even now it's happing a bit just typing it. I only said it three times before I switched back to focusing on the breath. They say you have to be really sincere with this stuff, but I don't even know how much I mean it. How do I know if I mean it?
Edit: Also, whenever I try to do meditation on emotion like the fellow said in a guided meditation I was listening to a few weeks ago, I inevitably find a sinking, empty feeling in my chest. Is that just always there and I just don't notice it, or am I manifesting it for the sake of the exercise? I try not to.
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I know it can be hard at first to direct loving kindness towards ourselves. A lot of us are brought up with some really detrimental ideas about how we should think of ourselves. If we live in a predominantly Christian society, we may be taught to believe that we are all sinners and that we should feel guilty for it. I don't mean to bash Christianity, but it definitely seems to be a common trend for those of us new to Buddhism who have come from a Christian background to have quite negative views about ourselves and lots of emotional baggage.
Then, to make matters worse, when we come to learn about Buddhism we are taught that "we shouldn't feel guilty" and so we end up feeling guilty about feeling guilty! This is called "double Dukkha" (double suffering). So what the hell can we do about it? Where are we supposed to start?!
Perhaps counter-intuitively, the first place to start might be to allow yourself to feel guilty, allow yourself to be depressed, allow yourself to have self-loathing. This will at least remove the first layer of guilt about feeling guilty. Once you no longer feel guilty about feeling guilty then you can deal with the second layer.
Ajahn Brahm mentions in his book "Opening the Door of Your Heart" (which I highly recommend since he covers this topic extensively) a story about a young boy who accidentally killed his friend. This boy was just playing with his friend on a jeti and he pushed his friend in the water as a joke. His friend couldn't swim and drowned. For many years that boy felt guilty for what he had done, but then one day he realized that he didn't need to feel guilty about it any more, it was an accident and it could have happened to anyone.
I hope that one day you can forgive yourself for anything you have done which you regret. We have all done stupid things, harmful things and it is easy to forgive other people. So why not ourselves? You deserve to be happy as much as everyone else.
May you be happy.
With Metta,
Guy
Metta can feel very "raw" when we've spent years and years dragging ourselves relentlessly through the rat race without so much as the time to say "Ouch!" when we hurt. The reason the traditional instruction is to begin by extending lovingkindness towards yourself is because, without that level of self-compassion, lovingkindness towards others can easily become an exercise in masochism which in turn can lead to resentment or bitterness.
There are several different ways to develop loving-kindness towards oneself. It may help to remember alternative translations of metta, such as "unconditional friendliness" or "goodwill" or "kindness." One common variant of the traditional "May I be happy, etc." is to simply imagine yourself seeing through the eyes of a good friend. This friend can even be an imaginary or mythical/historical figure, such as the Buddha or the friend you never had -- someone by whom you feel unconditionally accepted. This may help you get at a more direct experience of what metta is like. Another definition of self-compassion I've heard is accepting yourself while you're suffering.
There are currently two very good books on loving-kindness meditation that I know of, if you want some more detailed information. One is Sharon Salzberg's Loving-kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness and the second is The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion by Christopher Germer. I've read both and can recommend them highly.
It is indeed important to learn compassion for ourselves. The key is in learning to be mindful, to observe the rise and fall of our emotions without being swept away, without repressing, without distracting ourselves so we don't have to see them. This takes a long time, but as we start to be able to be mindful in this way, we also start to feel compassion for ourselves, and then we can feel compassion for others ... because we can forgive ourselves for being the flawed-beings that we are and to love ourselves despite our imperfections, we become more and more able to forgive others and love them as well.
The advice that's already been given is great, I really think if you can, reading Sharon's Salzberg's book could help you come to terms with your emotionality.
You have to start by loving yourself, accepting yourself, or you'll never really be able to accept the mistakes and failed moments of others. I say let the tears fall as they may.
I'm rooting for you!
With warmth,
Matt
To me, it sounds like the creaking that occurs when you open a door that's been stuck shut for awhile. What do you do with the sinking feeling?
When I do metta meditation and I require to send my self a feeling of loving kindness, I remember a feeling of neutral joy and happiness from the past. Luckily for me, there was this memory of myself, when I was really small, of being bathed and then powdered up and kept on bed to fall asleep. I remember the feeling of joy and comfort, I think I was about 4 years old. I take that feeling and present it to myself when I do metta meditation.
Maybe you have a similar, neutral yet joyful, memory that you can use.
Regarding blaming myself, I had two revelations about it. One happened about six months ago when I realized that my intentions were good during the entire time. It was one of those sparks to a powder keg type situation, and then I made it worse by trying to fix everything. The second came when I was reading Bhikkhu Bodhi's book on the eightfold path, which was that my first mistake caused me great suffering because I was so attached to what I had lost. In rejecting that suffering I tried to fix the situation while in a foolish state, and thus I made more mistakes which increased my suffering. This cycle continued, with me feeding it because I didn't have the skills to end it or understand any of it. After I realized that it wasn't evilness on my part but a lack of skills to have done things differently, it made it easier to accept my flaws, especially since I knew that I learned a great deal from the situation and wouldn't make the mistakes again.
I can't ever seem to do anything with it. It's just there. I think it's always there, I've just been living with an anxiety problem for so long that I've gotten good at ignoring negative emotions. Honestly, though, I haven't spent an entire session focusing on it because I was always afraid that I was conjuring it up. As if, on some level, I was just expecting it to be there, since I didn't feel it unless I looked for it.
I've read in some buddhist scripture that it's possible to disconnect from bodily sensations so thoroughly that you don't perceive emotions as much or at all anymore. I think that may be the case with me because I use to be so into being generous and making people happy, and it gave me great joy, but now I just try to treat everyone as well as possible, but it feels more like a residual from my self conditioning and continued conditioning than anything genuine, because I don't come up with elaborate plans to make others happy like I use to.
But perhaps I'm getting too theoretical. I learned a while ago that sometimes it's best to just let your subconscious take over on emotional issues instead of trying to quantify it.
I imagine your empty chest feeling like an empty heart. As you traveled around, pouring out your wishes upon others to be well, helping them as you were able, you neglected your own space... for many years by the sounds of things. Like squeezing water out of a sponge, at some point you run dry and continue out of habit, rather than actual relating.
The body would notice this, even if your mind suppresses the messages of need your body begged of you. Bouts of anger and resentment, excessive tiredness, repelling other's compassion and so forth might all be symptoms. When you sit with self metta, your body is weeping because it is being heard, the empty chest is filling... you are letting your mind regard the body with kindness, and kindness can be overwhelming when hate and apathy are more usual.
With the metta self-loving comes first, because in order to not dry wring your sponge into bodily harm, you need to let it fill from the love that surrounds you. Its no wonder your body weeps as you regard it kindly... you're saying that its needs are important.
They are, as are you.
With warmth,
Matt
I tried metta meditation again today. The same sort of thing happened. I kept changing my mantra, though, until I settled on something like this:
"May I be free from suffering, May I be happy. May I be free from greed, hatred and delusion."
I stuck to it longer this time, but then my mind was flooded with whether I really meant it and got caught up actively searching for my reaction to it rather than being absorbed by the words. I switched to focusing on feelings, and as I did the feeling I mentioned earlier became more and more intense until I could barely breath at all. At that point I started narrating my experience, despite my best efforts not to. Then my mind just started wandering and I couldn't seem to get a reign on it.
Next time I think I need to start with a specific goal, like focusing on the breath and continuing the metta meditation, so that it's more directed. Also, I'll need to remind myself that the point is to say the words in my head and watch what happens naturally, if anything happens, rather than actively trying to figure it all out.
I listened to a Dhamma talk yesterday by Bhante Sujato called "This Life of Feelings" which you might find interesting. You can download it here. At the start of the talk there is a guided Metta meditation which I fould helpful, I hope you do too.
There's plenty of other really good talks on that site, I haven't listened to all of them, but many of the "2005 Rain's Retreat" talks start with a guided Metta meditation.
With Metta,
Guy
You could take a look at this Metta meditation talk with Bhante Vimalaramsi:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ixmba3jAEEk&feature=related
Kind regards,
Dazzle
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I have a problem with very low self esteem and a lot of self-hatred too and this radiates to others very clearly in my life, which is why I was thinking of Metta, because I wanted to increase my compassion for others and also for myself.
I guess I won't know how hard it is until I try it, but it sounds like I'd have a hard time meaning it if I tried to say a loving mantra towards certain people or even myself.
Thanks for the insight on this kind of meditation you have all provided on this thread and best of luck to you Vekin, in loving yourself and others in a greater way.
I can't wait to do the guided meditation Dazzle, I listened to the first few minutes I already like the guide.
I think it is pretty accurate actually. Good analogy.
Even if you don't feel like you mean it when you are thinking "may I be happy", the fact that you are even bothering to give it a go means that on some level you think its worth giving it a go. Why do you think its worth doing? Because at some level within yourself you recognize that you DO deserve to be happy. That seemingly small beginning point which makes you try to cultivate metta towards yourself has incredibly powerful potential. It may be wrapped in lots of emotional baggage such as guilt, fear, self-criticism, etc. but it is still there. This glimmer of hope and desire for one's own happiness. Protect that, nurture it!
"Even as a mother protects with her life her child, her only child. So with a boundless heart should one cherish ALL living beings!" - Metta Sutta
ALL living beings...including yourself!
May ALL beings be happy and well!
With Metta,
Guy
Edit: Actually, that Metta Sutta is really good. Try chanting it every day or at least listening to others chant it. Here's the full version.
That's true. Thanks for putting it like that cause now I have the motivation again to try Metta. Sometimes it takes something or or someone to open our eyes a lil bit and the people on this forum have been doing that for me in many ways since I joined. So thanks to all of you.
Thanks! Maybe I can find some place that has a recording of it so I can chant along.
Is that the way it is for normal meditation? I mean, when you read a book, you don't need to be all intense about it, you just have to lightly make sure you're aware of what you're reading. It's the same for all forms of meditaiton?
I'd echo the same question Vekin just made. Is mindfulness while meditating and focus supposed to be intense and difficult to attain? or is it supposed to just flow out of you and arise naturally, with ease?
I tend to "mentally strain" when I meditate in an attempt to focus more deeply and I know that has to be wrong.
And Vekin, I love your analogy of mediation as compared to reading. I find it hard to focus sometimes when I read too and it's a great example.
Yes, that's right. You should be aware of what is happening but not trying too hard. If you are getting a headache or the muscles in your face are very tense it means you are trying too hard to "concentrate". If you are drifting off into a kind of merky and dull world of half-formed unclear thoughts then you are not putting in enough effort. Ideally you should be somewhere in between these two. If I had to describe the right attitude to meditate with in two words, they would be "relaxed effort".
But of those two, most of us probably try to hard. So if you find yourself doubting whether or not you are applying the right amount of effort or not lean towards less effort rather than more, I would say. Others may disagree, the way I practice is not intrinsically correct. I am certainly not adept at all forms of meditation, it is just what has worked for me.
Furthermore, I don't think anyone else can tell you exactly how you should meditate, no one can know your mind and its needs as well as yourself. Other people can guide you to a certain extent and provide general advice and answer certain questions, but we all have different conditioning to work with in our minds so we need to find out what works for us and what doesn't. This is why I think its important to (as my teacher Ajahn Brahm has recommended) reflect at the end of the session "what attitude did I bring to this meditation? what are the results? how has my mind changed?". This will help you understand cause and effect at a very direct level, not through theory or reading books on Buddhism, but from your own experience. This is where wisdom comes from.
With Metta,
Guy
What I mean is that when you try to kill the thought, you switch focus to the thought. This breaks your concentration. Then another thought will arise eventually, and you try to kill that one. Eventually instead of focusing on the breath, you're merely on guard for thoughts. If you simply focus on the breath, and don't worry about whether there are other thoughts floating around your head, your concentration on the breath and the thoughts themselves can coexist, and there is no need to eradicate them. Even your commentary, which you usually think of as actually you, is merely just more thoughts, and should be treated as such.
I find it funny that I realized this because the lines "Bring me two pina coladas, one for each hand" from a song were playing in my head on a continuous loop.
Lightwithin, what helped me not to be so stern with this session was that when I noticed myself tensing and trying too hard, I focused for a brief moment on the blackness of my eyes closed and my breath at the same time, and made myself smile at how silly being so serious was. This seemed to help me shake it off.
This is what I need to practice and accomplish myself. I totally understand what you explained in your post above and I think you have a very clear understanding on how to overcome the thinking mind in the middle of a session.
My session tonight started off GREAT, but then in the last half, just as you explained, my thoughts flooded me, commentary started and I couldn't stop myself until the session was over. Brief moments of focus on the breath were there too, but not a constant stream of consciousness like I would think is needed.
I hope tomorrow's session is better. Some nights, my brain just seems to be on overdrive.
Someone more experienced than me might correct me, but I think the concept of "Overcoming the thinking mind" might be our problem. What I learned tonight is that getting upset about following a thought process will only make it harder to stay on the breath. You should be light hearted about it. It's called practice precisely because we need to get better at it, so don't expect to be perfect right now.
Try to be jovial about your troubles during meditation. The more relaxed you are about them the easier things will be on you. Also, note that focusing on the breath and having thoughts in your head aren't at all mutually exclusive. You can have thoughts floating in your head and be completely focused on the breath at the exact same time. Thoughts are naturally going through your head all the time, you just never notice them because you're distracted by something else. It can be the same here, except during meditation your awareness is raised and so you notice them much more readily. Making them your enemy will only distract you from the breath, so let them be, if you can, and bring your attention back to the breath without trying to rid yourself of the thought.
At some point you'll be doing meditation on thoughts, and you'll actually want thoughts to be in your head.
Though, these are all things I've learned tonight, so you may want to check with someone more experienced than me on this, but it feels as though it is very much right, at least for me.
Sadhu! Sadhu! Sadhu! It sounds like you have learned much! Keep it up!
I have much to learn, but if I learned things as quickly as you seem to be learning them, I'b be enlightened by next year. LOL (JK of course, but you know what I mean).
Hmm, I didn't know that myself. When I started metta I jumped straight to doing it for others. Hell the first person I thought of doing it for was somebody who really hated me. I too would have probably groaned had I known I had to start with myself.
I don't suppose it hurts to start with others. But i dunno..
Hah, thanks, but I've learned that a breakthrough today doesn't necessarily mean the same success tomorrow. Case in point, today I had a bit of trouble.
I did find a way to help with it though. I started telling myself to relax. Since I was trying to focus on the breath for the last 15 minutes, my mind automatically switched to the breath while I was saying this to myself. During this particular session I found it actually helped to take direct control of my thoughts.
I kept telling myself to relax and that my only job was to do the best that I could do, no more, no less. Focusing on keeping my mind on the breath as I did this, I found it easier to do so when I took command of my thoughts. Then, after about thirty seconds or so of having direct control, I let go, and my mind was able to stay on the breath even though I had let my thoughts start doing their own thing. It was sort of like a parent holding onto their child's bike when they're first starting to pedal, and then letting go once they get their momentum.
Perhaps this is one of the benefits of starting your meditation session with a mantra?
I'm sure it's helped some, but they say that if you don't start with yourself, then the seeds of hate will still be within you, and can switch from yourself to others as time progresses. So they say it's best to start with yourself, then switch to friends, then acquaintances, then enemies, and so on.
Hmm, my thinking is that if you propagate kind thoughts, they take on a life of there own within your mind (like any other thought). And as such can start to be identified by you as you. Making it a lot harder to hate yourself..maybe
So in a sense (if that works) its kinda like a backdoor if you can't deal with kindness towards yourself directly.
You saw your aversion ... great observation and mindfulness!!
As to not being sure if you "mean it" when you wish well for yourself ... well, at first you won't mean it. That's okay. With repetition of compassion for yourself, you will eventually come to mean it. It's all about the pathways we set in our brains ... I spent my childhood believing I was unworthy and it took lots of repetitions to the contrary to re-set those pathways. Even then, feelings of being unworthy arose under certain circumstances, but gradually with time they withered away. Just keep on generating compassion for yourself and be patient with it.
Hope you loving-kindness meditation practice is deepening and growing stronger! Sharon Salzburg is a good teacher, as well as, the others previous posters have mentioned. As a Vajrayana practitioner, I feel akin to Pema Chodron and her writings. "The Wisdom of No Escape" and/or "Start Where You Are" offer basic advice from the Seven Points of Mind Training, lojong meditation. Besides good posture & seating... First point: "Gentleness," instead of being harsh and judgemental with oneself (i.e., saying 'I'm such a spaced-out, poor, bad meditator') instead when you stray with thoughts, simply label them "thinking" (a basic technique used in Vissapana also) and return focus on the out breath. Second point: use "Precision" see your straying thoughts for what they are, again, "thinking." Third point: "letting go," sometimes easier said than done. As you know so well, one's mind can be like a deep pot of gumbo bubbling up all sorts of rich, smelly. interesting stuff! See it for what it is, then let it go, returning to focus on the breath.
Loving-kindness meditation in Tibetan Buddhism is called maitri(for oneself, I think) and tonglen (for oneself and for others). What I like about Pema Chodron and her teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, is they teach you can transform your anger into wisdom and compassion. Guess you already knew that, too! Just my two cents! Good luck on the path! /\
May you experience happiness and the causes of happiness!
May you be free from suffering and the causes of suffering!