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A Heady Discussion: Unparalleled Suffering
At least unparalleled in my own experience. The woman I loved and thought of proposing to by the end of the year...dumped me last week. She just didn't have the same feelings as I had for her. I was needless to say devastated by this revelation. I broke down in tears; my first time in 4 or 5 years. After walking back home utterly dejected and lost, I called my parents to inform them of the bad news. They had loved her when they met her.
I emotionally shared with them my plight. Their response was sympathetic, but they dealt me a second blow when they told me that my favorite uncle was ill again from a genetic disease and dying in the hospital.
I was an emotional wreck and couldn't process both of these catastrophes in my life at once. So I grieved them in kind. The overwhelming suffering was about losing my girlfriend first. I talked to her on the phone, unsuccessfully trying to change her mind. I only made a bigger wreck of myself mentally.
Now, I'm finally starting to accept the fact that we are not meant to be together. Fine. I sent her a long note today saying that I respected her decision and still wanted to be friends. She thanked me for telling her I was moving on, but said nothing about my inquiry about our continued friendship. The whole past 9 months have been characterized by having this wonderful woman in my life first as my friend and then recently as my girlfriend.
My emotional recuperation would probably take another plunge if she deemed that we should not be friends anymore.
But just as I begin to move on from all of this suffering, the looming prospect of my uncle's mortality hits me in the gut hard. I just don't know what to do except try and not think about it. But that doesn't work.
I oddly enough told my dad last week that life seemed perfect. I had my health, a beautiful loving lady, and plenty to look forward to. Less than a week later, I'm an emotional wreck, my girlfriend of a few days ago doesn't want to ever talk to me again, and my summer I was so excited about has little to excite the passions. To top it all off, my uncle I've become close to is dying.
To live is to suffer....
The First Noble Truth...
But what's the solution? Get rid of attachment? How would that work in my case?
I emotionally shared with them my plight. Their response was sympathetic, but they dealt me a second blow when they told me that my favorite uncle was ill again from a genetic disease and dying in the hospital.
I was an emotional wreck and couldn't process both of these catastrophes in my life at once. So I grieved them in kind. The overwhelming suffering was about losing my girlfriend first. I talked to her on the phone, unsuccessfully trying to change her mind. I only made a bigger wreck of myself mentally.
Now, I'm finally starting to accept the fact that we are not meant to be together. Fine. I sent her a long note today saying that I respected her decision and still wanted to be friends. She thanked me for telling her I was moving on, but said nothing about my inquiry about our continued friendship. The whole past 9 months have been characterized by having this wonderful woman in my life first as my friend and then recently as my girlfriend.
My emotional recuperation would probably take another plunge if she deemed that we should not be friends anymore.
But just as I begin to move on from all of this suffering, the looming prospect of my uncle's mortality hits me in the gut hard. I just don't know what to do except try and not think about it. But that doesn't work.
I oddly enough told my dad last week that life seemed perfect. I had my health, a beautiful loving lady, and plenty to look forward to. Less than a week later, I'm an emotional wreck, my girlfriend of a few days ago doesn't want to ever talk to me again, and my summer I was so excited about has little to excite the passions. To top it all off, my uncle I've become close to is dying.
To live is to suffer....
The First Noble Truth...
But what's the solution? Get rid of attachment? How would that work in my case?
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Comments
Get rid of attachment? No, Buddhists don't "get rid" of attachment ... they "reframe" their relationship both to attachment and to aversion.
I remember my sister's teacher, Chodak Tulku Rimpoche, dieing of pancreatic cancer and going on about his life as if he was well ... even teaching his weekly classes with his usual relaxed gentleness and alertness. No evidence of either painkillers or pain medication, and the class suspected nothing ... until one night he wasn't there and they found out he had died. Now, you just can't tell me that he had "gotten rid" of the pain.
Perhaps a good place to start trying to understand is Pema Chodron's CD "Getting Unstuck" (or probably anything by Pema Chodron, as she consistently touches on the same principles).
I wish for you cushioned shoes for this difficult stretch of your road. Keep in touch with us.
With warmth,
Matt
There was a monk called Ajahn Pannavaddho who died of cancer a few years ago. Shortly before he died he jokingly said "nothing spoils a good cup of tea like cancer".
In the 3rd century AD there was a catholic deacon called "Saint Lawrence" who was burnt alive as a martyr. Whilst being burnt he quipped "turn me over, this side is done".
Click Here for Some Words of Wisdom
With Metta,
Guy
Clinging to what is dear brings fear.
To one who is entirely free from endearment
There is no sorrow or fear.
Perhaps the story of Dipa Ma can ease your pain.
http://www.thebuddhadharma.com/issues/2003/spring/schmidt_jenkins_dipa_ma.html
With Metta
Refuse to be so unwise as to want for what is not within your grasp. Want only to make the attempt fore it is only an attempt you can be certain of making. Nothing can die until it fails to try.
Firstly you are merely prolonging your own agony, and secondly she won't want to see you as a friend just yet, because she's just dumped you, That's just clingy to her, and you refusing to 'get it'.
The only time you will be able to have a friendship with her, is when you see her with another guy, their 4x4, golden Labrador, two kids and a condo, and think "Jeesh, I'm so happy for her. Well there you go"
Read this.
It is possibly the best advice I have ever found on the internet, about getting over an ex- and providing you implement it 100%, it will work.
Read it, memorise it and live by it.
Do as it says, and you will have the upper hand over your emotions and her actions.
She will try to get back in touch.
That's when you'll really know if you have what it takes to move on.
Your communication with her was really faulty though... She was obviously way off from being on the same page as you....
And I am very sorry to hear about your family trials too.
KoB: Welcome to the true world of impermanence.
Excellent advice. I was going to go this route. Earlier in my life I used to cling. I really wanted to "remain friends" and it just led to much more frustration.
After the last break-up I told her that everything will be ok. I'm the King of Closure.
So in that sense, as much as I was appalled and resistant to what you proposed Fed, it has been the quickest way to getting back to normality.
My uncle is still ill and has neither improved or gotten worse, but I am hopeful for the future. So that still concerns me, but overall, I feel infinitely better than I did two weeks ago.