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How to handle someone's death?
Someone I know had their sibling die the other day in a car crash. What is a Buddhist way of coping with such a senseless tragedy? I know that it is the attachment that causes suffering, but how can you not be attached to your own family to some degree?
Or is it natural to just feel sad as long as you dont cling to those feelings of sadness?
Or is it natural to just feel sad as long as you dont cling to those feelings of sadness?
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In short, acceptance of the reality that has happened, acceptance of your reaction to it and the suffering this entails, and, when ready, forgiveness to those who are responsible.
I know it's hard to accept when you're the person in that horrible situation. I know that if that happened to me, I wouldn't be able to look at it in a positive light at all either, but the truth remains despite my emotions to the contrary.
.
However, I'm sure I don't need to tell you that it's both inappropriate and tactless to tell the grieving relatives that "Nothing is permanent, everything passes".....
While absolutely true, it's probably not what they really need to hear....
I'm very sorry for their loss.
I hope they can come through the pain with serenity and peace.
He talks about a devastating break-up with his girlfriend, (which has in many ways and times, been compared to a kind of grieving. Knight of Buddha could talk on this, I'm sure, the poor lad...)
Arthur Jeon mentions this to his teacher.
About being in the moment, and attachment to that moment....
She replies:
In other words, there is the reality of the moment - *She has left me*, *this person has died*. (Direct Experience)
and the reality we weave in our imagination
*I wasn't good enough for her, I did something wrong, i took her for granted*
and
*I'll never be happy again, this wasn't meant to happen, I blame myself, if only I'd....* (Recurring Story.)
There is complete legitimacy in immersing one's self in grief, but we must be cautious about sabotaging our own healing and well-being by generating and feeding ourselves a false an imaginary scenario around that which grieves us.
However, it is one thing to know, understand and realise this for ourselves.
Remember Richard Gere just after 9/11?
He exhorted people to focus on Loving Kindness, compassion and forgiveness, rather than anger, revenge and outrage.
Absolutely so. I saw his point.
Others, however, didn't....
He was vilified as a result of his efforts.
He meant well, but his timing was out. Not to say completely brainless....
By all means speak words of comfort and wisdom, but hey, watch your timing and circumstance.
Otherwise, they're not wise, and of no comfort whatsoever...
Respectfully,
Raven
This is ascribed to in Tibetan Buddhism, but the bardo can be shorter depending on the spiritually-advanced "level" of the person who has died. With someone like the Dalai lama, for example, reincarnation would be immediate. so it was clarified to me by a Tibetan Lama during a talk on such matters.
This is particular to Tibetan Buddhism.
Theravada does not think there is this Bardo period. in Theravada, there is death, there is re-birth.
This is not to say that Tibetan Buddhism is wrong.
They are merely different views and as such hold value for those who adhere to them.
Dhammachick, I'm sorry for your loss (as well the loss of the individual mentioned in the OP). Your response is very practical and truthful: When tragedy strikes, emotions will rise, the best we can often do is to roll with that and grieve as each moment passes. It's a normal and healthy process.
I think it's not about being "un-attached" from your own family when a tragic loss strikes. We have feelings for our family members and that isn't wrong, be it before or after their passing.
Rather, it is profoundly important to live in the now (as any time, mind you), because if you start living in the past, or the future, thinking about all the memories and all of the "future possibilities" you never get to experience... that is when grief becomes unbearable. Attaching ourselves to the past or the future will exacerbate an already troubling situation.
I think if I were dealing with a profound loss, the best advice anyone could give me would be "One day at a time," and nothing more.
Namaste~
"In this chapter I talk briefly about bereavement and related issues. The reader will need to look at books that deal specifically with bereavement some of which I recommend in the suggested reading section, for a more thorough treatment of this important subject.
INtenese bereavement is about as close as we can possibly get to experienceing death and groundlessness outside of death itself. It can thrust us into a frightening no man's land similar to the intermediate state between death and rebirth. We can find ourselves suspended between past and future, suddenly cut off from all our associations with the deceased, having to die to our old way of life, and feeling we have lost our sense of identity.
If it's true that this is like dying, then the experience of bereavement can be a terrible but an amazing gift, a wake-up experience, a Dharma practice. Many people have noticed this deeply spiritual dimension to bereavement.
There are of course various levels of bereavement, depending on one's degree of attachment and closeness to the dead person and how much he or she was integral to one's sense of wellbeing and feeling loved. But any bereavement can be an important Dharma practice, because at the very least it brings us face to face with our own mortality. That in itself is a shock and can be hard to handle especially if it is something we have never really related to before.
The Shock of Death
A big part of the suffering of grief either before or after a dear one's death is brought on by shock. In Tibetan culture this condition is described in terms of the life-force (tsolung in Tibetan). It is said that the life forece or subtle energy of the body which usually functions and moves in the heart, is severely blocked owing to shock. I think the custom of beating one's breast familiar from many cultures clearly reflects a similar understanindg of the need to get the life force moving again. While it is blocked (as also happens in depression) one's whole will to live drops away, everything appears colorless and meaningless. Even to perform the simplest of functions involves a tremendous effort. There is very little point in trying to talk about the meaning of life to someone in this condition. There is no energy or inspiration in one's thinking and in fact it is important not to think too much at a time like that.
Anything that gets the life force moving such as physical exercise walking massage or just pottering about are good for someone in this condition in fact anything that keeps one moving, but doesn't take too much thinking energy. Light hearted but sensitive company is a tremendous help. This is where pets, family, friends, and especially the support of fellow practitioners and spiritually like minded people can play an important role.
It is good to set yourself a routine that keeps you moving without getting frantically involved in lots of things. There is often a lot to do when someone dies, and it is likely to be a very busy time. This can take one's mind off things for awhile, which provides some much needed movement, but when all the business dies down, one should not be surprised to find that it can take a very long time for the life force to recover. It often happens that everyone is very attentive around the funeral for the first month of so after death of a loved one. About three months after that when death has become more real the bereaved seem to need more help and it is often just at the time that most friends and family have withdrawn.
It is very helpful if one can somehow feel the heart connection that one has with the deceased person and learn to trust that. It reaffirms the value of a person and our connections at a time when we are very opn to the true essence of what that means. Doing things for the deceased at that time helps reinforce the sense of connectedness. Meditation, offerings, pranidhanas, mantras, tonglesn, feasts, and dedicating the power of our practice (punya) for the deceased, as well as talking to them, can help the person doing these things as much as it helps the deceased. The more faith one has in all these practices the better, but even simply being open to the posssibility that there is meaning n them helps the heart. It helps one feel there is a truth and dignity inherent in a long standing spiritual tradition that feels supportive and inspires confidence. This can be true even if one is not sure one can go along with all the implied beliefs. The reassurance this gives the bereaved helps counter the overwhelming feeling of meaninglessness that is likely to descend on them. It provides some sense of groundedness without which it is very hard to recover.
I believe the whole process of recovering the life force can take several years but it does recover and during that time it tends to chop and change. Sometimes it seems to have picked up energy and sometimes the energy drops again apparently for no reason. Knowing this is likely helps us to face it with courage. It is very important to turn towards and acknowledge what is happening and to let it be, without complicating things by thinking should be able to do better."
Thank you for your kind words Rain. I strive to remember this when talking to other family members who aren't Buddhist and would perceive my words as tactless or insensitive. It's nice to be able to express myself here with people who understand
Of course - I'm sorry if it sounded like an absolute for all traditions. Thanks for clarifying that Fede. I forgot to be specific that it was just _MY_ way of coping. Sorry about that folks.
Respectfully,
Raven
(I've lost yet another family member, an uncle, within the last month... but as proof-of-concept, the ache is not so strong. It doesn't hurt so much. Strive on with diligence toward the goal.)