Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
I am in need of guidence.
My brothers, and sisters I come to you in desperate need of advice. My girlfriend is very Christian, and I'm not sure what to make of her actions. She has asked me to go to church with her, which I had, because I felt that my intentions in doing so were right (as in making her happy). And recently she asked me to go with her to her youth group which I was extremely weary of, but me being the accepting guy that I am and feeling that my intentions were once again right, I went. I have told her that "I wasn't exactly Christian" which is very vague, and im not sure how she interpreted it, but w.e. The reason she wanted me to go with to her youth group was because they're doing a segment on relationships between teenagers and she believed that it might be something id "enjoy" and that it would mean alot to her if I went, well long story short.. I was appalled at what I witnessed. I have never seen so much brain washing in my life. Me, and her haven't passionately kissed, or shown any real affection towards each other in 2 weeks or so, which happens to be the same time that her youth group started the relationship thing. I can get over her being christian so long as she doesn't try to convert me (which we've already established with each other), but I feel that as long as shes doing this youth group thing our relationship cant thrive or develop further than what it is. I have even posted on Christian forums asking what their views on dating outside Christianity, and all that good stuff was... needless to say they're useless and crazy. According to them its a sin to marry, or even date a "non-believer" so my question to you is: Is it even worth my time and effort trying to make something out of this relationship, or no? I feel that my intentions in dating her are right, but I've lost much respect for her after attending her group session. What should I do? I've made it obvious that im Buddhist(statue of Buddha next to my bed, Buddha shrin, etc), but never actually told her... When do you think would be a good time to bring up my beliefs?
Thanks always,
Dazed
Thanks always,
Dazed
0
Comments
-The Buddha and the shrine next to your bed wasn't enough of a hint?:D
From your post it sounds like you were initially trying to be very accomodating towards her, which is noble and giving.
"I can get over her being christian so long as she doesn't try to convert me (which we've already established with each other)"
-If you can respect her beliefs and path and let her grow as person and she does the same for you then there shouldn't be an issue. Any kind of a relationship that is not based on mutual respect, love and understanding is bound to fail. Trying to make someone they are not won't work. That cuts both ways. You should not "get over anything" and she should most certainly not try to convert you.
"According to them its a sin to marry, or even date a "non-believer"
-Does she feel this way? You should know what she thinks. You both need to be frank and honest with one another.
"but I've lost much respect for her after attending her group session"
-Being judgemental serves no one and only harms you.You need to think about this one.
"When do you think would be a good time to bring up my beliefs"
-NOW.
Yours in the Dharma,
Todd
Being a Buddhist entails no preaching or proselytising, but permitting people to "Ehi Passeiko" which means to 'come and see for yourself'.
As a Buddhist, you wouldn't have to get over her being Christian.
But you had better come to terms with this now, and make a decision now:
She can't get over you NOT being a Christian.
And you can forget this too. That's what Christians are encouraged to do. It's a 'job' imposed on them by their doctrine. her asking you to go to church with her, and now this youth group was her doing exactly that. She wasn't asking you to go for her benefit. She was asking you to go for yours.
She acceded to your requests, and hasn't tried to convert you. But that didn't stop her putting you in a position where others could....
Youre absolutely right. it won't. Because with the information she's absorbing, and the stuff she's learning, you're not a BF. You're a Project, or a Work-in-progress.
You frame your mind around this attitude, and you are just as useless and crazy as they are. Being Judgemental simply puts you at a polar opposite. it doesn't make you right. No. Then what, if you don't respect her, could your intentions now possibly be?
Respect is one of the three fundamental factors that underpins a relationship (The others being Trust and Communication.) If you can't respect her, then this is dead in the water. Now.
Laying hints like this is an insult to her intelligence, and makes you weaker, not better. It's ridiculous to pussyfoot like this.
Forget bringing up your beliefs.
I think you should bring up the fact that this is not going to work, because never in this lifetime, are you ever submitting to what she practices, and as the situation between you has deteriorated, then you might as well call it quits.
She'll be sad. but not for the relationship. She'll be sad because you don't know God in your heart, and that attempts to draw you closer to god have failed.
The relationship with you, is nothing, compared to the one she has with god. She will accept it wasn't meant to be, and throw herself with zeal into her Christian group and eventually meet and marry someone on her wavelength.
This is her one and only option.
So you are onto a blind loser right here.
As I read over yours and the others posts, I wonder a few things. One is how much of the information you have about her side of things is assumed, rather than known from her lips. Two, how much "pre-judging" you have done for her. And three, what distance has arisen in the relationship between the two of you because of one and two, and how much because she herself is scooting away.
My suggestion is that you open up to her and talk about what you see and feel when it comes to religion. Be sure to stay firm, she may try to convince you that Christ is the all mighty or whatnot, but she also might understand. It could be that she is looking for an intimacy that is missing, or she could be looking for you to convert.
Until you talk to her about it, open up about your views and ask her about hers (make sure you make room to let her fully express her side of things or you'll never know). Don't assume just because she went to the church group that she automatically inherits all their views. Even Buddhists have widely different perspectives on things.
The main concern I have for you is that you stop trying to guess what other people are thinking, and be more open about who you are, what you see and what you're looking for in the relationship. For instance, you say that you are not kissing anymore, but did she tell you its because of the meeting's beliefs? Maybe you started judging her in that moment and she doesn't like kissing a judge! Overcome your fear of asking her where the kissing went and you'll find out.
If the current girlfriend goes away, from her lack of acceptance, the union becoming stale, or her strong dogmatic thinking, so be it. Either way, grounding yourself more into openness and confidence is important for this or any future relationships to be healthy.
Good luck,
Matt
:eek2:
My answer is 'no'
There are two kinds of religion: (1) of brainwashing and (2) of reason
There are Christians that follow their religion with reason, focusing on the core practical principles
That said, the Buddha advised the ideal partner has the same faith (conviction)
If you wish, you can read the Buddha's advice at this link
With kindness
DD
:smilec:
The very fact that you have been so "coy" about your beliefs, only shows that you are pretty sure she wouldn’t accept your beliefs, and consequently you. Don’t you think? You could be selling her short.
What you have been doing, going to her youth group, etc. probably isn’t all about what you thought was the right thing to do, so much as what you thought you could get away with and still keep the girl. This is called, “stringing someone along,” no matter how you try to rationalize it in you mind. I can fully understand your temptation in doing this, but is it the fair thing to do?
So, are you here, and now, asking for permission to keep being dishonest, and continue playing this little game, not only with yourself but with her?
If she was not that interested in religion, and you weren't either, than you could probably get away with leaving it on the back burner. But, that certainly doesn't seem to be the lay of the land for either one of you. In a way, you have this in common, and with a little openness may even (hopefully) learn from each other.
Any REAL relationship is based on honesty and openness. Anything short of that is just pretending. If you do not handle this wisely, you may very well end up with a trophy girl friend, isolated from each other, and in the end you will be cheating not only her, but you will be cheating yourself.
I say, "go for broke” and start to speak openly and honestly with this person, this is the only respectful thing that you can do for her and for yourself.
If this is 'true love,' and it could very well be, it will always find a way to grow and prosper. This won't be the first nor the last thing that LOVE will have to overcome.
Warm Regards,
S9
- Dazed