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Importance of parents in Buddhism
I know a good relation between a child and his parents is important to Buddhists but I'm really finding it hard to do so. My parents have done a lot for me, fed me, clothed me, but it goes much deeper then that. I feel like they've made me feel guilty for everything and they're generally just not very good people, hypocritical, prideful, unwelcoming. Some of the time we get along great, but others it seems like they want to harass me for anything they can. I feel like it's important to note that I'm in a situation where I am dependent on them, although I try to ask for as little as possible. Also, I see a correlation between when children are living away from their parents the relationship between them seems to get a lot better. Is this right? I mean, we have to be away from our parents to get along? It is a different age and the gap between our generations is tremendous. The world we live in today is much different then theirs I feel like. Anyways, just some things I've been thinking about.. All input is appreciated.
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The Buddha taught there are three kinds of child. A child that understands & practises the Dhamma better than their parents. A child that understands & practises the Dhamma the same as their parents. A child that understands & practises the Dhamma worse than their parents.
Our parents may have many virtues. They may have made many sacrifices and they may have provided alot to us. But if their minds are not yet established in spiritual loving-kindness & compassion (metta-karuna) then their Dhamma is not strong.
In these situations, some fresh air away from the crowded nest can improve the relationship.
But if we still dependent on them, then we can try to develop more Dhamma. Try to have patience and try to not take to heart unwarranted things they may say.
If we use Dhamma as our guide, our view of ourselves is established from that (rather than what others say about us).
Kind regards
Parents have often been raised in a world that believes that a good parent controls their child. A good parent needs to be the boss. And when they are challenged, they can feel overwhelmed and give up or angry and fight with the child in order to enforce their will.
These kinds of assumptions and behaviors set the stage for power struggles. When a child moves away, the parents assumptions are not entering the dynamics to the same degree. For those parents who still believe they need to control their kids, I don't think even a move away will help. Then the child begins to avoid them and resent the efforts their parents put forth.
It helps to understand parents when we know what they believe. When we have a good idea of what motivates them. Your parents may appear to be "not very good people" at times to you but chances are they are simply acting out of the need for control they were taught they needed.
Whilst it can, it may not always amount to this.
When a child moves away, parents can miss their child.
My experience is parents can change for the better due to the absence of their children.
With metta
DD
It helps to tell yourself these simple truths:
- You parents are doing the best job at parenting that they can, for who they are and for what they understand.
- (tidbit picked up in the newspaper 10 years ago): "Sociologists say that 95% of families are dysfunctional". Welcome to our world, TakenaWaken.
Understand that the difficulties you experience with your parents become an excellent
(1) motivator to practice Buddhism, and
(2) opportunity to practice Buddhism.
Pema Chodron says that people who have lives that go along well with no difficulty aren't very interested in practicing Buddhism.
And the "Eight verses for training the mind" tells us that when someone gets under our skin, we should think of them as a "precious treasure difficult to find" because they give us that Buddhist opportunity to practice learning how to observe our emotions without getting hooked, and this - in turn - gives us the freedom to learn how to treat these annoying people with loving-kindness. Very good.
Do we get along with our parents better after we move out? Sometimes. Sometimes not. Depends on our parents, but even more so, it depends on us. Don't expect your parents to change, but expect yourself to grow in wisdom.
Your relationship with your parents is excellent training for going out into the world ... when we will discover that our parents are not the only annoying people we will encounter in life. We find out that bosses, lovers, spouses, friends, co-workers, children, roommates, and even complete strangers can all be very bothersome! In fact, our spouses often turn out to have just those very qualities we can't stand in our parents. Funny thing, that! Therefore, learning to live with our parents' behavior, without getting swept up in it, is an excellent training for happy adult relationships. The practice of Buddhism will serve your well through your life!
Do they agree with you?
Are they conscious that they are like this?
Are they aware that you feel they are like this?
Do they see themselves in this way?
Would they be open to such criticism and accept the fault-finding as accurate?
Would they be hurt, injured, wounded or aghast that you could be thinking such things about them?
I suspect they are somewhat unaware of your perceptions.
These are your feelings.
What perhaps it might be constructive to consider is that -
"They are like this, because it's how they are. I am like this, because it's how I am."
Sometimes if you live under someone's roof, you have to conform to their rules and expectations. And when it's your mum and dad, they feel all the more entitled to expect this conformity form you. Especially as you're still only 15. (in their minds.....;) )
Not always.
When I lived with my parents, they adopted similar attitudes.
When I moved away, they resented the fact that I didn't keep in touch at least six times a day...
Now that they are elderly, my mother and I are the very best of friends.... in many ways, the roles have been reversed....it is I who lends support, guidance and direction. She leans on me, rather than the other way round...
It's not the age gap. It's the age attitude.
Sometimes space creates tranquillity and harmony. For a while, that is.... then sometimes, something happens which draws us back into a close connection, and the proximity will generate different dynamics.
The skill is in being able to handle whatever comes along with skill, wisdom and compassion.