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Detachment and associated issue
Hello all,
I have recently taken up readings on Buddhism and tried to understand how I can apply 'Buddhist' way of thinking into my everyday life. For the most part, I find it very useful so to speak when it comes to handling emotions in various situations, particularly difficult ones. Therefore some of the principles and teachings have greatly benefited me.
However, one aspect which is fundamental to Buddhism I find dificult to comprehend is 'letting go' of things that we can be attached to. As I understand it is attachment to things ranging from material things to non-tangible things such as one's opinion, emotions, and even one's self that is the cause of our suffering.
From a simplistic level, expressing a strong desire for a TV can cause anguish and annoyance from not having that TV. But at an advanced level, letting go of one's self is a highly difficult concept to me because as humans we like to and want to have an 'identity' and we create this soul concept (I think!). It also feels like I have to 'de-humanise' myself in a manner where I am almost seeing myself as just a biological creature with the ability to think and feel emotions.
Is this the 'right' interpretation and understanding of it or am I being pessimistic? Does anyone feel that and if so how does one reconcile with that concept???? Please provide any opinions, I would love to hear them
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I have recently taken up readings on Buddhism and tried to understand how I can apply 'Buddhist' way of thinking into my everyday life. For the most part, I find it very useful so to speak when it comes to handling emotions in various situations, particularly difficult ones. Therefore some of the principles and teachings have greatly benefited me.
However, one aspect which is fundamental to Buddhism I find dificult to comprehend is 'letting go' of things that we can be attached to. As I understand it is attachment to things ranging from material things to non-tangible things such as one's opinion, emotions, and even one's self that is the cause of our suffering.
From a simplistic level, expressing a strong desire for a TV can cause anguish and annoyance from not having that TV. But at an advanced level, letting go of one's self is a highly difficult concept to me because as humans we like to and want to have an 'identity' and we create this soul concept (I think!). It also feels like I have to 'de-humanise' myself in a manner where I am almost seeing myself as just a biological creature with the ability to think and feel emotions.
Is this the 'right' interpretation and understanding of it or am I being pessimistic? Does anyone feel that and if so how does one reconcile with that concept???? Please provide any opinions, I would love to hear them
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Comments
I think your questions are great... it definitely makes sense why you'd find yourself in such a quandary. When we first start really looking at letting go, its often that we decide we must distance ourself from our enjoyment of the things, such as self, the TV, a morning breeze and so forth... as though tossing all of the things out of the window will accomplish the notion of 'letting go'. This nihilism simply isn't how it works, because the next time the window is open all the stuff flies in again... and you're back to a house full of attachments.
I offer a different perception. Instead of trying to disavow the things in your life, spend time looking at how they have no fixed qualities. For instance, the angry man doesn't appear to be angry to everyone, to some he is upset or hurt or deeply attached... but because he has no absolute quality called 'anger', calling him angry is inaccurate and unnecessary. Perhaps look at the tree in the back yard how a bird would see it. Or how the tree sees itself... it is not a tree from its side... you call it tree because you were taught that it is a tree. It is just a shape in your view... the rest is your attribution... your label.
What we can do is detach from a solid or fixated definitions of things... seeing that we label them over and over, then begin to untangle ourselves from the mess of 'what we know is real'. From here you're detaching in the proper way. You can begin to see that the tree, or man or bird exist in a state free from our labels... it is our mind that gets trapped by the labels. Does this make sense?
Once you can make space in your mind over the meaning of the tree for instance, if someone comes along calling the tree a bush, you do not have inner conflict over the label the other person uses. It becomes a simple "that person labels this a bush". Or, the angry girl at work, who the people talk about how much of a bitch she is behind her back. Her mother might label her as 'upset' or 'unhappy' and so really the gossipers are just attaching a fixed quality to the angry girl that shuts down their heart to their human sister. Maybe not you though, who can see all of those things in a detached way... which makes you free to help everyone involved deal with the complex situation of unhappiness.
This is the best kind of detachment... from there the other things (TV, sensual indulgence and so forth) might begin to simply be less important. "I call this a tree, but I will not go to war if you call it something else." "I like blue, but I will not yell if you paint my room green."
With warmth,
Matt
Thank you for taking the time to eloquently explain this concept for me.
The different 'perception' you have outlined to me is something I think I have already considered and adopted in everyday life, well at least in some elements in my life. For example, let's refer to the office bitch scenario. In my workplace there has been a lady who is quite annoying at times and if I allow it, she can very much crawl under my skin for various (right or wrong) reasons hehehe.
But I choose to 'let it go' because I try to understand her reasons behind such behaviour. I believe there must be a cause of some reason that I may or may not be aware of. Keeping that in mind, I find it very easy to not get too personal or develop negative feelings or attitudes towards her. And if an oppurtunity arises, I would be more than happy to assist her in what ever way she would like. Is this mindfulness, understanding, and compassion in practice??? I like to think so
But again, that is an easy task, no more difficult than letting go attachment to material things. What I still struggle with is the letting go of 'self'. Sometimes it's easy to let go, say for example, feeling a need to prove a point or an opinion to someone else. Or as you made an example of, I may believe the sky is blue but you believe it is green. For whatever reason, I will agree to disagree with you and be at peace with the decision. It would not bother me.
But at other times, letting go of 'self' is a struggle, because I like to have an identity. I characterise myself as a person with certain qualities that in conjunction with other traits contribute to my personality and identity. So trying to interpret how Buddhist teachings of letting go of self is a difficult concept as it feels I need to lose my identity. What do you think of this??
J: Why is "letting go" so important in Buddhism?
Thynn: The term "letting go" has become a catchword in Buddhist circles. It is true that "letting go" is crucial for arriving at self-realisation of inner freedom, but you have to understand how to let go.
J: What are we supposed to let go of?
Let go of your clinging. Let go of the motivating desire behind whatever you're doing. It may be a desire to succeed, to be perfect, to control others or to glorify yourself. It doesn't matter what it is specifically; what matters is the desire behind your act. It is easy to mistake the act for the desire.
<hr width="60%" size="1"> To let go is to let go of clinging to desire, not to let go of the act.
<hr width="60%" size="1"> We have been talking about stopping and looking at emotions. Try to stop and look at an act; see if you can identify the desire propelling it. When you see the desire, you can also detect the clinging to the desire. When you see the clinging, you see it resolve and you spontaneously let go.
R: There are so many things in life I don't want to renounce or let go of.
Of course not. We don't let go for the sake of letting go. There is a parable about a Zen master who was approached by a pupil. The pupil asked, "I have nothing in my mind now; what shall I do next?" "Pick it up," replied the master. This is an excellent example of the negation that comes with proper understanding, as opposed to pure nihilism.
If we are bound to the concept of letting go, then we are not free. When we are not free, understanding - pañña - does not arise. But if we truly see the clinging to desire and let go of it, our act becomes a pure act, without any attendant tensions or frustrations. When the act is pure and simple, we can accomplish more with less stress. At that point, you are "picking up" just as you are "letting go."
That's because desire and clinging precede anger and hatred. In any fit of emotion - and our mental formations occur so very fast - we can only identify gross emotions like anger and hatred. Desire and clinging are much more subtle, so it takes stronger samadhi to be able to see them.
You have been conditioned since you were very young to relate everything to yourself. As soon as you learn to recognise people and things, you're taught how to relate these to the "I" and "mine"-- my mom, my dad, my toy, etc. As you grow up you're taught how to relate ideas and concepts to yourself. You have to learn that so that you can function properly in society.
But at the same time, this process slowly and unconsciously creates a concept of selfhood, and you build up your ego. This build up is strengthened by the values of society. You learn to compete, to achieve, to accumulate knowledge, wealth and power. In other words, you are trained to possess and to cling.
By the time you are grown up, the concept of ego-self has become so real that it is difficult to tell what is illusion and what is reality. It is difficult to realise that "I" and "mine" are temporary, relative and changeable. The same is true of all that is related to "I" and "mine." Not understanding that "I" and "mine" are temporary, you struggle to keep them permanent; you cling to them. This desire to try to keep everything permanent is what makes it so difficult to learn to let go.
M: I have trouble accepting the Buddhist idea of self as an illusion.
You have become so used to functioning with the "I" and "mine," so used to thinking your "self" is real, that it is naturally difficult to understand the Buddhist way of thinking. The "I" and "mine," being illusions themselves, survive only by clinging to illusions of their own making. They cling to all
kinds of mental possessions - be they power, wealth, status or whatever - which are themselves conceptual creations of the mind with no substantial reality. In short, they are also illusions.
R: If "I" is an illusion and not reality, how can "I" get rid of the "I"?
How can you get rid of something that never was?
M: I feel that if I let go of "I" and "mine," I would lose my identity. How can I exist if I let go of everything? Won't I become cold and unfeeling? It sounds scary, like living in a vacuum.
You have to understand that what you lose is merely an illusion. It never was. You empty the mind of illusion about self. Just let go of the illusion.
In fact, you are not losing anything. You just remove an imaginary screen before your eyes. In the process you gain wisdom, or pañña. From this wisdom unfold the four virtues of unconditional love, compassion, sympathetic joy and equanimity. These virtues manifest themselves as concern, humanness and sensitivity to others. When you have pañña you can fully experience the beauty and warmth that is within all human relationships.
That is why letting go is not losing your illusory ego. You are actually uncovering a great treasure.
this web site is at.....http://www.buddhanet.net/lmed5.htm
thanks for bringing up this question. I've been wondering what "letting go" means as well.
I liked your example of attachment to the TV. What does attachment to an object really mean? My guess is that it involves an unhealthy habit associated with an object. For example, maybe a person turns on the tube to escape from a stressful situation that they really should deal with. We could remove the TV, but the person could just use another object, like playing video games, to escape and avoid dealing with their underlying issues.
I think removing attachment goes a lot deeper than removing the object. I think it involves contemplation of why we do certain things and discriminating what's a beneficial activity and what isn't. I think it draws on mindfulness and our ability to choose a different response. Then when we do engage with an object, such as watching TV, we can simply enjoy it instead of letting ourselves develop a bad habit. This is my guess of what letting go means.
The idea of letting go of an attachment to the self suggests that such a habit is harmful to us. If we could really see how the habit is harmful and we know of a different way to regard ourselves and others, then we could let the habit go. I think letting go of the self means to shift the habitual way we regard ourselves. Thoughts?
NamNam,
Your response is great, I think I see what you're looking at there. How do we cope with our personality? Letting go of 'self' seems difficult.
Well, first I would spend time looking at that identity. What is the hope? That you'll be considered wise or strong or smart or handsome/pretty? Who cares? One person says the sky is blue and one says the sky is green. NamNam is wise to one and an idiot to another... so your identity is really meaningless.
However, don't really try to let go of that. Just notice that it is silly to strive for an identity. In the moment, the place to dismantle is "feeling a need to prove a point or an opinion to someone else"... this is basically saying "my need in the moment is greater than their need" which is what you would do well to let go of. Proving doesn't matter if it leads the other person's mind into more confusion or anger or feeling stupid. Rather, use your ample awareness to sever the striving or 'need to prove'.
Then, you'll very directly be letting go of personality, identity... and practicing compassion. Its not important, that 'point'... you know this. The important part is why you're trying to make it, why it clouds your mind. Also what the other person is attempting to have in the moment.
In the absence of your need to prove, there arises a natural skillfulness to relate to people in a way that helps them wherever they are, even if they can't understand or wouldn't agree with your side. It is better to help someone and be wrong than be right and cause suffering.
With warmth,
Matt
from my perspective detachment is just letting things be as they are. And noticing that thinking is just thinking. So if I am angry about not having a tv. Then I am angry. And that is just thinking. It doesn't mean I need to immediately buy a TV. Its just a emotion and thought. If I think I am a father and a husband and have a soul that too is just thinking.
And if I think I am a biological creature with the ability to think and feel. That too is just thinking. And if I think that is dehumanizing that too is just thinking.
'Just thinking' doesn't mean it is meaningless. It doesn't mean I can't buy a tv or think I have a soul or be a biological creature.
It just means that I am spacious with my thoughts. A lot of thoughts come into the picture. A hard part is knowing insight from just a bunch of thoughts. I am not to that level in my practice yet or at least I haven't yet answered that question.
Hope this helps
I'm listening Dennis, I hear and read the words. Now I am slowly trying to understand it.... Hmmmmm, thank you!
That last sentence is beautiful Matt.
I do agree with the concept that it is unnecessary to feel a need to prove a point or project an identity to other people. For the most part, I am not bothered about other peoples perception of me. I would like it if people think of me as someone positive but in reality I find it irresepective of how am I perceived, I would always try to have my heart and mind open to all.
I think it is the whole concept of letting go of 'self' that is the most difficult part. Difficult meaning hard to interpret and understand as opposed to being kept awake at night. But your input and Dennis60's is slowly helping me.
In many ways it does Jeffrey, one interpretation of your post could simply be that I'm over thinking, just let things be lol!
This is the exact thing I tend to have in my mind about this as well. If I'm not "me" or "I", then who or WHAT am I?
I realize that "I" is just a wording and a way to describe a collection of feelings, opinions, thoughts and preferences, but if all these don't make who I am, then what DOES?
Lol, my exact sentiments!
I, too, am sort of stuck on the same thing- the relinquishing of the sense of self. But as hard as it is, I can definitely see its purpose. For example, I have quite a bit of (irrational) phobia regarding what I think other people think that I like. Case in point: while my fiancee has been gone on a business trip, I've been Netflixing it up with some romantic comedies- something that my "self" would call "TOTALLY UNCHARACTERISTIC!!! ZOMG MUST ERASE OFF OF NETFLIX 'RECENTLY VIEWED' BEFORE HE COMES HOME AND FINDS OUT!!!!!" Same thing with my choice of music... it's crazy! Why, why, why am I embarrassed of this? This must be the suffering that is caused by clinging to a sense of self, yes?
It is reassuring to realize, in this case, that there is REALLY no "self" and that, for some reason, I just felt like watching romantic comedies and that doesn't "go against my very being." It was just a change in attitude at that point in time. Just a change, as everything in the world is changing. Perhaps in another couple of days my opinion will change again. Maybe I'll actually watch a really gritty war movie... or whatever! I can let it go, this feeling that I have to "live up to" my former declarations of what I like/ don't like.
Is that what letting go of self is (partly)? Am I on the right track?
And if so, how do I train my mind to do it so I don't waste my time trying to figure out how to erase things off of Netflix... he comes home tomorrow....
LOL. I find it interesting that you're embarrassed by your choices. I would say that some good effort would be to notice the urge to hide who you are (in this case, erase the netflix list) and use your mindfulness to let go of that.
I think letting go of self is often mistaken as something we do directly. Its not, not really. We don't go self-hunting with a spear trying to kill ourself off. As we meditate and develop strong mindfulness in the moment, when the urges arise like hiding from our fiancée, we can dismantle it, look at the component attachments (like fear) and let go.
In that instance, are you afraid that he'll find out you're sometimes romantic and/or were feeling lonesome and/or soft hearted? The "self" part you might want to dismantle is the fear that drives the behavior... not the preference itself. Not the name you have or the body or the type of movie. Rather the pieces where you feel compelled... the fearful part.
With warmth,
Matt
The point isn't to stop having preferences. Letting go of self is having a direct and flexible view that lets you give up preferences when the situation demands it.
Letting go of self is really about simply seeing how transient we are, how our preferences and understandings are evolving, how our body is continually renewing and changing. Yes, you have an existence, but that existence is never the same, not for a second... not even an instant.
In the examples that have been coming up... such as Zachaa with netflix and NamNam's point proving... giving up of the self happens naturally and directly when, in the moment, they focus their mindful intention on letting go of the urge to "erase" and "prove" (respectively.) Self naturally erodes a little bit during that process.
With warmth,
Matt