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where is the line between compassion and enabling?
I am struggling with the line between compassion and enabling.
A family member by marriage is causing our entire family pain with his actions.
His substance abuse is the root of all his problems. When asked to do him favors I prefer not to because I feel that by doing so I am enabling his addictions. But by not doing so I am accused of judging him. This accusation bothers me as I do not feel this is the case. I simply will not help him to harm himself and others.
As a new Buddhist I am not strong enough yet to resist all judgment but I certainly make my best effort not to judge. Do you think that by refusing to bail him out of jail I am turning my back on him?
A family member by marriage is causing our entire family pain with his actions.
His substance abuse is the root of all his problems. When asked to do him favors I prefer not to because I feel that by doing so I am enabling his addictions. But by not doing so I am accused of judging him. This accusation bothers me as I do not feel this is the case. I simply will not help him to harm himself and others.
As a new Buddhist I am not strong enough yet to resist all judgment but I certainly make my best effort not to judge. Do you think that by refusing to bail him out of jail I am turning my back on him?
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sometimes it's necessary to be firm even if it means upsetting him, impeding what he'd like to do
Not necessarily. There's a difference between being judgmental and being judicious, and you may have some good reasons for leaving him in jail, but it's hard to say without knowing more. Sometimes going to jail can help motivate people to change their behaviour. On the other hand, jail sucks and can be a dangerous place. But it's really up to you since you're the one that has to live with your decision. All I can say is that sometimes compassion and enabling are practically indistinguishable, and in this particular case, I don't think there's an easy answer.
The Buddha advised certain ways of earning a living should be avoided.
Your concern is the same.
That you refrain from performing certain actions is a matter of your own personal ethics. It is unrelated to judging another.
No. You are giving him an opportunity to learn about the results of his actions & to develop responsibility.
By all means visit him in jail but if there is nothing dangerous about his "lesson" then impart personal responsibility upon him.
This is also compassion, namely, to empower others.
Kind regards
If you can step aside and let go of your desire to be viewed favorably, just look at what you feel is best for your family. For instance, my son might throw a temper tantrum because he wants sweets, but giving in to the behavior would not be loving at all.
It would only be bad if you decided not to help him because it inconvenienced you or you deemed the person unworthy. If you are looking at what you feel is best for the development and health of everyone, then you are listening to your compassion.
Your heart sounds great, trust it.
With warmth,
Matt
Very good question for all of us who practice Buddhism. Compassion is often telling people the truth even though it might shake them up a bit. This is necessary for those who have become comfortable in their habitual habits and can not see past them. It takes cutting through this materialism/habit to understand for themselves how they are deceiving themselves. So sometimes it is the appropriate thing to do, when a person is blinded by their own behavior, to enable a new process for them so they can find their own way. It is usually never pleasant to do so, but it is the compassionate thing to do. We often do this with children, who do not know the consequences of their actions, so we enable them by correcting their foolish actions. I know first hand, that many people have "corrected" my behavior when i was full of myself, and i am very thankful that they did.
At the same time if you feel a chance to help him that is wholesome and cannot be converted into drugs somehow might be a good opportunity to prove yourself.
This fellow needs some problems. That appears to be the only way he will learn. As long as everyone steps in the way of the lessons, he will go on as he has. Be strong. That is being truly compassionate.
Your "buzzword" is "natural consequences". Behavior "A" leads to Consequence "B", and if you step in there and rescue him, he will never learn that Behavior "A" is perhaps best avoided, but will instead continue indefinitely in those undesirable behaviors.
If you were to attend Al-Anon meetings (meetings for those who have to cope with an alcoholic family member), you would learn that you must not try to protect them from the results of their actions. People who do this are "enablers", and are often "co-dependent" as well.
I do not feel you are turning your back on this family member, and I applaud you for acting in his best interests, and for standing up to the criticism of others. Good for you.
Interesting... and so accurate. This is a behavior I have struggled with since childhood. I recognize this in myself and have been making efforts to improve.
Agreed.
Thank you to everyone. I will stand my ground.
In that case, instead of focusing on the dichotomy of compassion vs. enabling, you may want to try developing equanimity, or in the words of Bhikkhu Bodhi, "a state of inner equipoise that cannot be upset by gain and loss, honor and dishonor, praise and blame, pleasure and pain."
I have also been thinking about this question, although on a more mundane level I guess. I have to make these sorts of decisions all the time in the classroom about whether being "nice" to the student in the short run is actually being enabling. For example, late work policy. In the short term, the "nice" thing to do would be to accept late work at any time, with no penalty. But of course that is teaching the child that it doesn't matter if the work is late. This and SO MANY OTHER decisions made... every day, all the time. The morality of teaching sometimes scares me!
As a new teacher, I really need to remember this and, as Jason said, find my inner state of equipoise. I so want for the kids to like me. I know I am not supposed to be their buddy-friend or anything, but I have been really struggling with connecting my view of my competence as a teacher with how I think the kids see me. I need to remember that I should dig deeply to find my own moral compass. No matter what the kids (and their parents) think of my practices, I realize that I'm doing what I think is right, and do it consistently!
Ok that turned into a longer essay than I thought but... sometimes it's nice to just write things out
Finding my inner state of equipoise is what brought me here to begin with.
Given the fact that many people who abuse substances act like children, I think the above can apply here.
What he/she really needs is to be in a substance abuse clinic. But usually, the person abusing actually has to want to get better in order for that to work. Often this only happens after they hit "rock bottom" and realize what they are doing to themselves and others and how much suffering it is causing. If I were you, my primary concern and question would be "How can I get them to want to be in a rehab program"?