Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
My relationship problem
Hi there.
I'm fairly new to Buddhism as a whole. I feel I haven't yet found the faith in Buddhism but simply feel that what I have heard and read about many buddhist beliefs correspond to my own beliefs and morals.
The reason I am writing today is with regard to my girlfriend.
I love her very much but struggle to contain my anger towards the choices she makes, even if they seem trivial to others. I feel as if I set very high standards of her sub-conciously and often struggle to put into perspective what i truly feel about a particular issue.
For example she might tell me she is going to Fake Tan her body. This angers me as I feel she is more beautiful in her most natural physical state. And also that she feels that she must change her appearance when really i think she should be proud of the way she looks naturally.
I have these opinions but struggle to implement them, I try and imagine acceptance towards her, but when we meet and she has for example 'fake tanned' then my passion and temper over-rides my rationale.
She is far less spiritually inclined than I am and struggles to look at things from a far or in perspective to, for example, my feelings.
Furthermore, she'll get drunk at parties and change, this also upsets me. She'll embarres me and herself at times. I understand that perhaps this is due to an in-security of hers, a mental freedom and relaxation that sober she wouldn't experience towards other people. Again, in the moment, i get angry and we might argue.
I feel she has a deep inner beauty that shines through in her spirit, but daily trivial choices of hers are stopping us from being happy together as they escalate as issues and become horrible arguments, they are leading to us splitting.
I love her very much and seek acceptance of her as a human being on this planet acting in a way that she cannot help.
Sorry if i'm touching on the wrong points for the website, any comments would be kindly recieved.
Thank you
Charlie
I'm fairly new to Buddhism as a whole. I feel I haven't yet found the faith in Buddhism but simply feel that what I have heard and read about many buddhist beliefs correspond to my own beliefs and morals.
The reason I am writing today is with regard to my girlfriend.
I love her very much but struggle to contain my anger towards the choices she makes, even if they seem trivial to others. I feel as if I set very high standards of her sub-conciously and often struggle to put into perspective what i truly feel about a particular issue.
For example she might tell me she is going to Fake Tan her body. This angers me as I feel she is more beautiful in her most natural physical state. And also that she feels that she must change her appearance when really i think she should be proud of the way she looks naturally.
I have these opinions but struggle to implement them, I try and imagine acceptance towards her, but when we meet and she has for example 'fake tanned' then my passion and temper over-rides my rationale.
She is far less spiritually inclined than I am and struggles to look at things from a far or in perspective to, for example, my feelings.
Furthermore, she'll get drunk at parties and change, this also upsets me. She'll embarres me and herself at times. I understand that perhaps this is due to an in-security of hers, a mental freedom and relaxation that sober she wouldn't experience towards other people. Again, in the moment, i get angry and we might argue.
I feel she has a deep inner beauty that shines through in her spirit, but daily trivial choices of hers are stopping us from being happy together as they escalate as issues and become horrible arguments, they are leading to us splitting.
I love her very much and seek acceptance of her as a human being on this planet acting in a way that she cannot help.
Sorry if i'm touching on the wrong points for the website, any comments would be kindly recieved.
Thank you
Charlie
0
Comments
I think what you're going through is quite common these days. It sounds very painful to be having so much anger and panic while looking at someone you love! I think you are dealing very well, both in looking at the issue, and posting it here. This seems like something that will receive some great insight from the various minds who frequent this place.
I wonder... are you also really hard on yourself for the choices you make? It seems like you're making a big deal out of a little deal... lamenting over nothing. Is having a tan really a problem? If she wants to tan, color her hair, wear odd styles, dorky sunglasses... who cares? They are part of her expression of who she is. I suggest you get off her back.
Because you seem "on her case" so much, I wonder if you are also on your own back. We are able to explore and make millions of decisions as we learn who we are and what we like in this world. The worst thing we can do is trap ourselves into only doing what is "appropriate" or what we "should do."
Both you and her deserve more freedom than that.
I offer you a suggestion to do some metta work. One of our judicious members posted this link a few days ago, and it sounds like it would work well for you. It might be high time for you to work on loving and honoring yourself... all of you. So you can love and honor her... all of her.
Getting a fake tan isn't the issue here, even if it is driven by an insecurity she has. If she wants it, honor her free will. Otherwise, you'll never really love her, only what you think she could be... some idealized form of who she might have been if only she wouldn't have made all those wrong decisions. Its ironic, because how is she supposed to cultivate confidence when the person she is with is highly critical?
With warmth,
Matt
On the other hand, you (like all of us) have plenty of your own "work" to do. You are the one who is responsible for your anger, embarrassment, and getting upset, and she is not responsible for your emotions nor for making sure she never upsets you. This is one of the first lessons you will learn when practicing Buddhism ... that the solution to being upset, and the responsibility for resolving these problems, always lies within us.
Love is all about accepting the other person and honoring them for who they are. If you cannot accept who she is, perhaps you need someone else.