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Working with emotions and negativity
Hi. I'm Art. I'm new to the forum.
I just wanted to ask about people's experiences with working with emotions and negativity. It's something that I really struggle with.
I've received quite a lot of negative feedback from friends and family about my emotional reactions to situations and it's made me excessively self-conscious. I seem to move between two extremes. I either get so overwhelmed that I just let lose and give in to my emotions which tends to reinforce them, or I get so self-conscious about it that I supress them and I tend to boil over anyway. I get overwhelmed easily and feel that, because of my emotional reactions, I'm a burden on the people around me.
I was reading Chogyam Trungpa's book 'The Myth of Freedom' this weekend and he suggests that any state of mind is a workable situation and that I should first relate with my emotions by 'seeing' them. To give the emotions space, I guess, and to accept them as part of the pattern of mind.
I guess this means that I should try to stop judging my emotions as bad or part of who I am. Am I understanding this correctly?
This is harder than it sounds because its probably my biggest habit and completely automatic.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks, Art.
I just wanted to ask about people's experiences with working with emotions and negativity. It's something that I really struggle with.
I've received quite a lot of negative feedback from friends and family about my emotional reactions to situations and it's made me excessively self-conscious. I seem to move between two extremes. I either get so overwhelmed that I just let lose and give in to my emotions which tends to reinforce them, or I get so self-conscious about it that I supress them and I tend to boil over anyway. I get overwhelmed easily and feel that, because of my emotional reactions, I'm a burden on the people around me.
I was reading Chogyam Trungpa's book 'The Myth of Freedom' this weekend and he suggests that any state of mind is a workable situation and that I should first relate with my emotions by 'seeing' them. To give the emotions space, I guess, and to accept them as part of the pattern of mind.
I guess this means that I should try to stop judging my emotions as bad or part of who I am. Am I understanding this correctly?
This is harder than it sounds because its probably my biggest habit and completely automatic.
Does anyone have any suggestions?
Thanks, Art.
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Comments
The Buddhist way is a way of understanding. We overcome suffering not by fighting with it, but by understanding it. The first thing to understand is that negative emotional habits are conditioned, remove the conditions and the habits will cease. One of the common conditions among all types of negativity (whether it is anger, depression, guilt, etc) is a lack of awareness. So the first step is to increase our awareness. This is where meditation helps.
As Bhante Gunaratana says in his book "Mindfulness in Plain English" (Which I highly recommend if you are interested in learning meditation), meditation is not something that you do for a couple of weeks and all your problems are solved, it is a slow and gradual process. But anything worth doing takes time so you have to be prepared to stick with it and be patient.
Meditation is the best way (that I know of) to learn about, and influence, the way our minds work. Our habits are basically a bunch of causes and effects. Once we understand the causes of negative habits (through the practice of meditation), we can stop feeding those causes and eventually the habits will cease.
Another skilful way to undermine those negative habits is through the development of their opposites. If the negative habit is anger, irritation or ill-will then the best antidote is kindness. If the negative habit is selfishness then generosity is the best antidote. And so on.
I think a combination of increasing awareness of our mind and cultivating wholesome emotional states is the most effective way of dealing with negativity.
Here are some Dhamma talks from the Buddhist Society of Western Australia that you might find useful:
Dealing With the Emotions - Ajahn Brahm
Developing the Mind - Ajahn Brahmali
Why Is It So Hard To Be Kind? - Ajahn Brahm
What part of Australia are you from, by the way?
Best Wishes,
Guy
Yeah I have that Mindfulness book, but I've only really skim-read it.
I feel I've developed a lot of awareness about how I react to things, with the result being I've become very critical of myself. I feel that because I'm aware of this stuff I shouldn't still be doing it. So it's not so much that my emotions are directed at others, but rather at myself. But your suggestion about cultivating the opposite still applies.
I have to develop some compassion and respect for myself. And have patience.
I live in SE Qld, by the way. I've been to Perth a couple of years ago and would love to explore more of WA, but I'm too young to hire cars yet and WA is so awesomely huge.
Definitely. Also, if you ever feel like you aren't being as compassionate towards yourself as you think you should be, then have compassion for your lack of compassion. And have patience with yourself when you are in an impatient mood.
If you like nature and solitude there's some really great places in WA.
I got a little chuckle when I read your post, I think what you're experiencing might be the most common thing in the world, next to ants. I used to boil over a lot, and I asked my teacher almost the exact same question as you asked the forum. He was taught by Trungpa Rinpoche, and is the one who turned me on to his writings. I really like "Myth", a lot of helpful pointers in that book!
The way I was taught to look at my emotions is like this: Imagine for a moment that your anger and other troublesome emotions are like a wild mare, kicking and bucking in a barn. When you see this wild horse, you might have the instinct to walk up to it and try to lay a hand on it to calm it, perhaps work with it in some way, try to look for the bur that spooked it. This is not the right way. You're likely to get kicked in the face (guilt or shame for feeling the anger, self flogging... those are the mare's legs striking home.) So don't walk up to the mare when she is kicking!
Rather, tear apart all of the walls of the barn. Let the mare experience the openness of the field, and the wild, bucking qualities naturally subside. The mare settles quite nicely, perhaps going over there and eating some grass or smelling a flower.
Such is the same with our emotions. Don't try to handle them. Expand the space they exist in. Don't say "I will deal with my anger right now", say "There is infinite space in my mind and body for this emotion to dance in". Then, the anger will boil out quite naturally. Once the emotion has settled, you can gingerly approach the pain that was causing the emotion.... wait for the mare to calm down before approaching her to find the bur.
Does that make sense at all?
With warmth,
Matt
It really is a gradual process, because we've been conditioned since we were little to view certain emotions as 'bad' and certain emotions as 'good', however really when seeing emotions and all other phenomena as they are we realize we have no idea what they are, lol. So first off let's question the emotions a little bit, are they not really energy in motion? They come and go just like your thoughts.
What's interesting about how thoughts and emotions work is that if you view it all closely the thought instigates the emotion and together you get certain situations that could be harmful to you and the people around you. Basically, Buddha taught that everything is impermanent, which is quite visibly true. Emotions, sensations, thoughts, the body.. everything comes and goes.. Just phenomena that comes and goes that we have no idea about right? So what's the big deal? It's alright it may seem automatic but trust me in time it gradually fades once you see things for what they really are.
Next time you're in a situation where you're about to boil over, instead of immediately giving into the emotion and thought combination. Simply allow it to arise, allow it to be and allow it to go away. These phenomena have nothing to do with you.. say hi anger! bye anger! i have no idea what you are! haha..
Have fun with it, take your time.. there's no rush
Oh and this may help you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ai0P6g2j6M
Some practical Zen Dharma
The mare analogy is a good one to remember. It reminds me of a story my friend told me. His neighbour's horse escaped onto my friend's property and the neighbour was having trouble catching it. The horse was really agitated, and the neighbour was threatening to shoot it. My friend (an open, accepting man) just stood there and the horse just came straight up to him.
What struck me about Matt's analogy was that I'd feel more compassion for a mare in a barn than I do for myself. I'd want to let that mare have space. I wouldn't threaten to shoot it if it didn't do as I wanted it to do. And I think that's where I have trouble with the emotions. I get angry at myself if I can't react the way I'd like myself to. Instead of giving my emotions space, I threaten and shout and look like an idiot.
Thanks everyone for your posts. They've really helped to give me some perspective.
Art.