Insecurity

David_2009

I hope this is the right place for this, but, I was wondering, is there any Buddhist perspective on insecurity, or any meditations or something that can help you with it. It's just, for most of my life, I've been quite insecure, not every moment of everyday, but, it's like, I take every criticism personally, even if it's not directed at me, or, when I see others get insulted, I'll take that personally. I'm glad I have the ability to emphasize with people, and want to help people, (it's probably one of the main reasons I did Human Rights at uni, and why I'm attracted to Buddhism), but, sometimes it just gets too much, I just wish I were more secure in myself, that I didn't let myself obsess over what someone said, or whatever.

Anyway, I hope this post made some sense, and was clear(ish), and hope you can help.

Thanks.

Engyo

Practicing Buddhism has made me much less insecure. Here are a couple of bullet points:

First off, understanding that I and only I am responsible for my life (karma).

Realizing that the happier and more confident I am about myself the more attractive I am to others.

Learning to make fewer commitments and keeping those I do make.

Understanding that the way someone else acts towards me is about them and their issues, not about me and my issues.

By the way, the last two points I learned from Don Miguel Ruiz' book The Four Agreements (not a Buddhist book) which I highly recommend.

aMatt

David,

What you're saying here sounds like you have some inner conflicts that need tending. If you did not have a voice inside your head that was agreeing and sustaining the criticisms, they would not impact you at all. Can you see that? My suggestion is to examine that voice inside your mind.

To start, perhaps you could contemplate some mistakes you've made. Lets say you made a big social faux pas, and were embarrassed you said or did something awkward. Sit with it. Move your mind around it from all angles and really examine what it is, and how it still changes your energy right now! Do you still feel embarrassed about what happened last month? Last year?

What is it inside you that is sustaining that feeling? Sometimes when we feel too much criticism around us (lets say a parent who is overly shaming or critical) we can have thoughts that habitually "beat us up" as they take the worst angle of an event, and tell us over and over that the angle being repeated in your mind is how everyone else views you. This is simply not the case... your mind in this instance is not really your friend, rather is clubbing you out of habit.

Breaking this habit is two simple parts in my opinion. The first is seeing that people, on a whole, are loving... at least the people that you should value the opinion of. I can speak clearly and say that a compassionate heart/mind would not obsessively criticize you, making a mind that does worth ignoring (including your own in this moment.) From my own place of compassion, I may laugh heartily when something odd happens, but even my dorkiest friends have a deep respect and love from those around them. Loving people let go of that kind of thing, accepting that we are all the dork from time to time.

The second is to stop focusing on yourself quite so much. Half of the pain of this experience comes from the idea that in the moment, you are looking at yourself, rather than others. If you were simply open and loving with the people, looking at their needs and desires, their stories and journey, then your own stuff simply wouldn't come up. The erosion of self occurs with continued meditation practice, especially of the renunciation kind.

Your empathy is great, and I can understand how challenging and wonderful it is to be able to experience moments so directly with great energy. With time it can certainly be less painful, and you can be more open to share that empathy in a way that will help others.

With warmth,

Matt

Glow

Great posts Engyo and aMatt.

bagg

And if the above posts don't work for you, then its probably time for some therapy - and keep working with the suggestions above too.
Finding the right therapist is the biggest challenge in therapy - you need to "click" with someone for it to work well. Don't stay with someone you don't trust fully or can't talk to easily.

bagg

pearl

David_2009 wrote: »

It's just, for most of my life, I've been quite insecure, not every moment of everyday, but, it's like, I take every criticism personally, even if it's not directed at me, or, when I see others get insulted, I'll take that personally.

I know how you feel and how uncomfortable it can be. The world is full of nice people, but there's also some meanies out there too. Yet, there's really no sense in feeling bad because somebody else acted like a fool. It's the aggressive, rude person who should feel bad, not you. So when a grown man or woman is acting like a bad child, you should feel embarrassed for them; don't take it personally. :cool:

truthseeker

Buddhism may facilitate the realisation that internal states of mind are not dependent on external states. If this is understood properly, it can be very helpful. What is more, Buddhism recognises the illusion of personalising events and actions and perceiving them as "mine". Once this illusion is broken, no more harm comes from thoughts and words, and no more offence is taken. The wording here is a giveaway: offence must be taken to offend, thus it requires action on the receiver's behalf.

Please consider that progress in this area is unlikely to be made by intellectual realisation alone; therefore it would be best to work with a guide or a teacher. Besides, insecurity could be a symptom pointing to deeper fears/aversions that need to be addressed. Again, discussing this with someone who is qualified for this kind of work is likely to bring better results.

Cheers, Thomas