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Mindfulness and setbacks
JetsFan366
Explorer
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum, I've been lurking a bit and picked up some great information - thanks much for that.
I wanted to put out feelers to see how others react when they have what I call a setback. It's probably not the right term, but that's semantics I guess. I'm an emotional person and have been working at meditation and mindfulness for about 6 months or so and it has really changed my life. I realize it's a lifelong process, but still, when I have a bad day and get really upset.. I don't know, it's kindof a downward spiral.
I have a difficult job (like most of us) and sometimes I can barely make it through the day. After days like that, I'm very agitated and can't stay mindful, let alone meditate. But worse than that, I get discouraged about mindfulness. I feel dumb for getting so upset and feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I guess I have to be patient with myself, and I am working on it. I was just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences or insight into them.
Thanks much and peace-
twaitsfan
I'm new to this forum, I've been lurking a bit and picked up some great information - thanks much for that.
I wanted to put out feelers to see how others react when they have what I call a setback. It's probably not the right term, but that's semantics I guess. I'm an emotional person and have been working at meditation and mindfulness for about 6 months or so and it has really changed my life. I realize it's a lifelong process, but still, when I have a bad day and get really upset.. I don't know, it's kindof a downward spiral.
I have a difficult job (like most of us) and sometimes I can barely make it through the day. After days like that, I'm very agitated and can't stay mindful, let alone meditate. But worse than that, I get discouraged about mindfulness. I feel dumb for getting so upset and feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I guess I have to be patient with myself, and I am working on it. I was just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences or insight into them.
Thanks much and peace-
twaitsfan
0
Comments
Basically, the setbacks and feeling upset are okay in themselves. Just give yourself space. But be firm with yourself (without adding more negativity) when you start beating yourself up.
(source: Chogyam Trungpa "The Myth of Freedom")
I hope that makes sense. I deal with this everyday and I find it really hard. But I figure it's a cumulative thing and the more years I put into practicing mindfulness, the easier it'll get to remain mindful in difficult situations.
Also, sometimes difficult situations are good practice, but there is no point staying in a difficult situation if it's causing you more trouble than it's worth. Are you able to change jobs?
As for my job, my wife and I have talked, and while I can't leave it now, in about 6 months or so, she's scheduled to go back to work and I might be able to take a little reprieve. I've never 'not worked' since I got out of college 10+ years ago. I'm hoping to do it and maybe learn some more about myself.
Tho I don't wish it on anyone, it's nice to hear that others go through the same thing
I agree that beating yourself up isn't very helpful when it comes to finding mindfulness.
It appears to me that some of this "work agitation" is a great pile of shit that you can use to develop even more quickly. Much like using resistance when weight training, using agitation during meditation is a great way to penetrate beyond the old ways. The first step is accepting that Buddha would not be agitated by your work, he would see through it directly and be unmoved, as he was with all phenomena.
Seeing this could help to bring about an inner focus of where the problem is arising, so you can move beyond it. Its not "work" that does it, its "how twaitsfan looks at work". Does that make sense? I know it is a real feeling of agitation, and thats ok to sit with, just pull the source of the agitation into your own garden, and you can begin weeding.
When I am especially agitated, I move back to counting breaths. Ajahn Jayasaro describes it directly here. At first, perhaps the whole first session, maybe the first 5 sessions after working you will be unable to make it to 10.
However, this is ok, this is good and this is normal. It is like being unable to lift 300 pounds at first. Just notice that more agitation is happening, and start over at 1. Moving from counting breath to agitation to noticing the agitation back to counting is the repetition that strengthens your focus. With time, your attention will hone, and you will be able to get past this road block of agitation. You may even find that as you strengthen your focus, even in the moments at work you will experience less agitation.
With warmth,
Matt
I have highlighted (what I perceive to be) the problem and underlined the solution. Patience means real patience. Pretend patience won't work. You can't think "Okay I'll just sit down, close my eyes and be patient" then five minutes later "I've been patient for five whole minutes now, why am I still agitated?!" - This is not real patience, this is just pretending. This is what our mind can be like, very tricky. So what do we do?
Be patient with everything, even be patient with impatience. Be content to be agitated. Be totally happy about being depressed. Be kind to your anger. And so on. In other words, no matter what you're experiencing allow it to be there. We can pretend that we are being patient, but really we are just using pretend patience as a strategy to get rid of agitation. Real patience is the sincere attitude that "I honestly don't mind how agitated I get, it's okay, even if the agitation increases, that's fine".
The biggest problem is often not the agitation (or whatever mood/emotion/thought) itself, but our response to it. So make sure that you are responding with real kindness, real gentleness, real patience....only then will the agitation subside.
With Metta,
Guy
It's so hard to remain mindful and present when you're under stress. It seems as though all the things you learned about mindfulness go out the window as soon as the stress level is cranked up. But I keep trying, keep moving ahead and doing my best.
As GuyC said, "pretend" patience is easy, real patience is not. We need just to keep practicing.
Being mindful of my footsteps while I work has interesting results for me. I'm normally ridiculously clumsy and always running into things or tripping over my own feet. When I'm mindful, I lose all that clumsiness. So I think my clumsiness may be an indication of mindlessness.
Anyway, maybe try to find something that you can bring your mind back to.
I agree, lightwithin. I've had many days where I'm very mindful (that doesn't sound gramatically correct) in the morning only to get to work and lose it. Theoretically, I can understand that work just presents a different kind of mindfulness challenge, but it just doesn't work out that way. I can't concentrate on breath when I am writing computer programs. Sometimes I can't even concentrate on writing computer programs when I am writing computer programs, and I think that is what I should be doing - being engrossed in what I'm doing, and being mindful of it.
It's an ongoing struggle, but one that has to be worked through I suppose.
My biggest challenge is staying mindful when I get down or frustrated. I feel like I have a very immature mind that reverts to an almost child-like 'I don't wanna!!' at times.
twaitsfan,
Meditation practice will certainly help with the development of stable focus. It also helps to remain rooted in the present moment. When I notice my mind going into the "I don't wanna" it is usually because I am viewing the present moment as an impediment to the moment I was busy manifesting.
For instance, it would be like considering that the function you were writing was some kind of obstacle to the program you're writing... this usually makes every failure or distraction painful, rather than just full of information. If you pull it back into the moment, then the function is simply unfinished, and you are in the process of honing the challenge.
When we reduce life to a series of interconnected breaths, that it what I see we do... we stop considering the program as the goal, because as soon as one is finished its time to write the next one. Rather, it is an infinite number of small interconnected parts that we are always in the process of writing. When the crazy person slams into your office, it becomes the new small interconnected part of the longer journey, rather than an interruption. When a mosquito bites your face during meditation, it is a an experience to work with. If we continue to work at that small scale, our big-scale accuracy increases as the frustration does not cloud our wisdom.
With warmth,
Matt
The important thing, I think, is not to judge yourself, feel compassion for yourself and smile to yourself. We're human and we'll keep on practising, however difficult I find it sometimes... Every now and then we'll succeed and we are, as Thich Nhat Hanh calls it, part-time buddhas!
a lotus for you,
buddhas to be,
Pieter
I truly recognize the situation. I re-started studying and practice a while ago, and it seems my (negative) emotions are getting even stronger than they use to be, like they are blowing up when I contemplate on them. I do however, 'let them in'. Just let them be in the present and trace where they come from. Acknowledge their presence, nothing more. I try not to stick to the feeling and the moment, but focus on meditating.
It feels like testing my persistence and it can be really frustrating, but I'll be even more tenacious in the end. It really is a learning phase, and a hard one as well, but it will make me, us, stronger. Just keep the faith.
This is how thinking can color our whole experience. By noticing it is just thinking you can find a seed of more space and warmth than you had thought. So I would try to remind myself that discouragement is just thinking. And upset.
Sooner or later along the path we have negative feelings and by when this happens to just relax further. To ease up instead of spinning out more. Immediately we can see that this feels better.
You don't have to do anything with it other than see it and notice it is thinking like not get caught up in it. Its not blasting away the thinking but just not getting caught up in it. Like seeing that it is not so solid. And easing up.
Even though we're not talking about dealing with fear here, I think it's very similar. The theme is that we screw ourselves when we don't welcome the unwanted feelings.
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Sit for a short time; then take a break, a very short break of about thirty seconds or a minute. But be mindful of whatever you do, and do not lose your presence and its natural ease. Then alert yourself and sit again. If you do many short sessions like this, your breaks will often make your meditation more real and more inspiring; they will take the clumsy, irksome rigidity, solemnity, and unnaturalness out of your practice and bring you more and more focus and ease.
Gradually, through this interplay of breaks and sitting, the barrier between meditation and everyday life will crumble, the contrast between them will dissolve, and you will find yourself increasingly in your natural pure presence, without distraction.
Then, as Dudjom Rinpoche used to say: “Even though the meditator may leave the meditation, the meditation will not leave the meditator.”
Sogyal Rinpoche
Yes, patience is important, as is developing a feeling of acceptance, non-judgement and warmth towards ourselves - metta bahavana practice is useful for that.
Maintaining daily mindfulness ( remembering to be mindful
Anyway, small steps, and it does get easier - honest!:)
P
I had another pretty bad day this week. With work, lately it's been about once a week. By the end of the day I get really down and feel like 'I can't keep doing this'. I've tried meditation during these periods but I have had little success. I think I'm just not 'there yet' to be able to meditate when I'm that agitated.
But as everyone has said, patience and being more accepting of myself will help. I'm definitely not very good at the latter. I'm much more 'type A'; so much of this is counter intuitive to me. But I've lived with so much self inflicted suffering in my life that there has to be a better way.