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Self-destructive behavior
nakazcid
Somewhere in Dixie, y'all Veteran
A few months ago my fiancee was diagnosed with diabetes. Despite this she continues to consume sugar with alarming frequency. Due to a lack of finances, we've been unable to get her proper diabetic counseling with a dietitian/nutritionist. She has an upcoming appointment in July, but I'm not sure if she'll actually alter her behavior. When I try to dissuade her from eating a sugary treat, she says "Don't mess with my food. Messing with my food makes me suicidal." Literally. Given her history of depression, this probably is not an idle remark. She also doesn't monitor her blood sugar. When she does check it, it's usually around 200.
I've found that a compassionate approach can at least open a dialog with her, but too often I find myself wanting to "make her" quit her habit. I fear I come across as trying to dominate her, which just doesn't work well. What would be a skillful way to handle this situation?
I've found that a compassionate approach can at least open a dialog with her, but too often I find myself wanting to "make her" quit her habit. I fear I come across as trying to dominate her, which just doesn't work well. What would be a skillful way to handle this situation?
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Comments
I get the impression that you are already aware that trying to "make her" quit her habit is very counterproductive, and that doing your best to open a compassionate dialogue without trying to be controlling is the best way to go.
As with other addictions - and her behaviour is certainly that of an addict - denial is integral to the condition and she is also having to deal with the mourning process following her diagnosis. Learning that we have a chronic, life-altering disease is a major psychological trauma - as I know well from my own diagnosis, 20 years ago, of ischaemic heart disease. It takes time to work through the denial, bargaining, depression and anger before arriving at some sort of acceptance.
You may find help for yourself (and you have a role in all this) from a fellowship group for the partners of addicts and there is a very useful writer called Melody Beattie whose work helps us to deal with our own co-dependency. You may also like to look at Claude Steiner's work on addiction.
Ultimately, your fiancee may 'hit a wall' or, as she comes to accept her condition, she will change her diet but whatever the outcome, you need support and to understand that you are not responsible for her behaviour unless you collude with it.
This raises some troublesome issues. My fiancee is disabled, with no income of her own except what her mother provides her with. She also lacks transportation, and there is no public transport in our rural community. This lack of independence makes her feel helpless and out of control. When we're shopping, should I force the issue and refuse to buy anything with sugar in it? Aside from the issue of going cold turkey, would this not alienate her?
She is still dealing with the trauma of her diagnosis of kidney disease three years ago. I'm sure that complicates the diabetes and addiction issues she's currently going through.
Thanks for your thoughts, Simon and SherabDorje.
I was listening to a Pema Chodron tape on Friday, and she was talking about how we ALL want something to hold onto ... that letting go of thoughts, attachments and aversions leaves us drifting and groundless, and this is a scary thing. Therefore we hold on tightly to those things that give us a sense of ground under our feet ... self-concepts and ideas, but also to specific things and activities that are self-affirming, and this includes food and eating.
It's probably not so much that your sweetie is self-destructive as it is that she gets a "grounding" and selfness-affirmation from food that she doesn't find elsewhere. It is very frightening when we "let go", and even more so when we want to hang on but have it yanked out of our grip ... which might be why she says she gets suicidal if you take away her food ... she's left groundless without it.
Yes, the best you can do is just to be supportive of her and hope she either finds a healthier way to "ground" herself, or takes the Buddhist path of letting go of "ground". May you both have skillful means as you deal with this problem.
I thought this might be the answer, but I'm hoping there's more direct action I can take. I hope that expressing compassionate concern at appropriate, or perhaps random, moments can be effective as well.
EDIT: I thought about what I said above, and realize that I want to control the situation. Need...to...let...go. <deep breath>
I have a sudden death syndrome that means that I am advised not to drink alcohol or coffee and not to eat chocolate. I occasionally allow myself a treat of a small amount of chocolate. I enjoy it and do not crave it. It has taken a long time to adjust and I would second Simon's post regarding adjustment to a chronic, life changing disorder. I'm 7 years into my diagnosis of this cardiac condition, and it has been a rocky and challenging road. No one else could make the changes for me and at times I resented anyone reminding me about what I could and couldn't have. It had to be my choice.
Metta
I think you're absolutely right in catching yourself there. From my experience, none of us can save anyone but ourselves. Your fiance absolutely has to want to help herself before you can be of real assistance.
I listened to a talk the other day from Ajahn Brahm about no-self. He said to remember that the people in our lives do not belong to us. Your fiance isn't really your fiance. She's just a person. So you don't need to save her or protect her as if she belongs to you, as if you won't be okay without her. I don't mean to sound heartless or anything. He also said that a lot of us don't love our partners as much as we love the way they make us feel. I just wonder what kind of perspective you have, and if broadening it might make it seem a little less personal, and grant you more breathing room to be wise and thus more helpful.
Ultimately, it's up to her. All you can do is love her and be kind to her, and stay with the situation without becoming immersed in it. I wish you and her the best, and hope that she finds necessary insight soon.
</deep>
Ultimately, her dietary choices and emotional states are her responsibility. The most you can productively do is provide a willing ear to hear about her struggles with them. This is more useful than it perhaps sounds, because it will bring them into the light of day, and make it easier for her to see what needs to be done.