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Breathing
Hello all of my friends!
So I have been spending many hours sitting as of late and I am starting to wonder where to go from here. For a while in my Buddhist studies I found all of the intellectual answers very satisfying. It felt good to be able to say, "Ahh, yes, that is my conditioned mind responding to the world" and such. This created tho a sense of power to my ego giving the reigns back once again. So I sat.... and sat and.... well you get the idea. In the world now I feel as if I do not belong. As my body goes through the motions on a daily basis it feels as if it is just a strange and distorted show that I am watching. I have no craving for the intellectual baggage of the 50 or so Buddhist books on my shelves. The pithy Zen sayings and platitudes feel hollow and empty. I know they are the Dharma being expounded to slay the egoic mind (point taken) but the dragon sleeps and hears not the rantings of the knight come to slay him. So now I have a peaceful, yet uneasy, feeling of "what next?" The flower needs no knowledge of self to bloom. I believe this is true. The flower does not bloom because it is a flower. It doesn’t even know what a flower is! So now I am unsure of what/who "I am". Quietly I will sit and wait to "bloom".
A deep and profound ^gassho^ to you all
So I have been spending many hours sitting as of late and I am starting to wonder where to go from here. For a while in my Buddhist studies I found all of the intellectual answers very satisfying. It felt good to be able to say, "Ahh, yes, that is my conditioned mind responding to the world" and such. This created tho a sense of power to my ego giving the reigns back once again. So I sat.... and sat and.... well you get the idea. In the world now I feel as if I do not belong. As my body goes through the motions on a daily basis it feels as if it is just a strange and distorted show that I am watching. I have no craving for the intellectual baggage of the 50 or so Buddhist books on my shelves. The pithy Zen sayings and platitudes feel hollow and empty. I know they are the Dharma being expounded to slay the egoic mind (point taken) but the dragon sleeps and hears not the rantings of the knight come to slay him. So now I have a peaceful, yet uneasy, feeling of "what next?" The flower needs no knowledge of self to bloom. I believe this is true. The flower does not bloom because it is a flower. It doesn’t even know what a flower is! So now I am unsure of what/who "I am". Quietly I will sit and wait to "bloom".
A deep and profound ^gassho^ to you all
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Comments
It's always nice to get a post from you.
Myself? I don't feel that I'm going through anything what you're feeling at the moment. Most of what I feel at this time is trying to come to grips with the teachings of Buddha.
Since I have no preconceived notions of Buddhism or the various flavors, I'm trying to find one that is right for me. But, is "finding" what I should be doing? Am I trying to tear away layers of the various schools of thought to come to one that I feel comfortable with - and am I doing this because of my ego? Trying to form Buddha's teachings into what "I" like. Plus, I'm dealing with years of other forms of religious teachings that have been rammed down my throat which has made me a devout pessimist.
I don't know how long you've been practising Buddhism - but I've wondered many times what great teachers have gone through in their lives.
Even though I know Buddha was enlightened - I still don't know anything about him. I know the teachings that have been passed down, pretty much deify him - but I wonder...
I wonder if he ever had doubt? I wonder if HH the DL has ever had doubt? Did anyone ever fill a "role" and then, after years, think... "What am I doing here? What is all of this hub-bub around me?"
I don't know Buddha. I know nothing about this man except what has been passed down. I do believe his basic teachings have been passed down and - enlightened or not - I believe they are good teachings to live by.
I kind of have a peace right now. I too don't know what to do and don't know what to expect. I just think... and meditate... and whatever happens, happens.
I wish you well...
-bf
Mantain mindfulness at all times and there is no need to even feel the slightest bit of uneasiness. When the conditions are ripe the mind will 'open' on its own. How wonderful to hear of your progress Mike.
^gassho^ to you as well.
Jason
May I put forward a purely 'humanistic' point of view....?
I have heard it said - and I have read, also - that occasionally, when we are on this long trek or voyage to discovery, every now and then, we reach a plateau.... we feel neither 'Good' nor 'Bad' about this, but are filled instead with questions of the 'So what?' or 'Well is this it?' variety....
According to experts far more able than myself, this is apparently a very normal and expected part of the process.... it is the conflict between the new-status consciousness and the engrained protective Sub-consciousness....
According to some Psychiatrists and Psychologists, the Sub-conscious may be perceived as a self-protective measure that kind of gets a bit too big for its' boots sometimes.... when it 'sees' that your mental Conscious process is reaching a level of self-awareness - Mindfulness - that it considers is encroaching on the Powerful - it throws up a smokescreen of well.... let's call it mental apathy, dissatisfaction, perhaps even boredom - anything to prevent itself losing the 'protective' grip it exerts in order to keep your Ego in play and to the forefront.
I suspect you have progressed so far down your own personal path that your Ego is fast fading, and that you are 'losing' your identification of I/Me/My/Self.... in other words, look behind you, at how far you have come.... look at the Road you have Travelled and the progress you have made. You have wonderfully Evolved and developped your Mind to a point of Transformation - and Sub -C. don't like it. because you see, once you progress, "he" becomes redundant - non-existent even.....
He's just thrown you a purler to halt you in your tracks while he decides what method to use to best keep you where you are.....
Don't worry. This too shall pass. Relax, Observe and smile. It's all temporary and illusory anyway. The Mind is an incredible tool, as yet incompletely explored.... but it's my opinion you Know yourSelf Well. You just have a tiresome Lodger who's turned up the volume on his stereo a bit too loudly.....
You simply are.
You simply are not.
Sit for ten years then sit for another ten.
gassho
How good to hear from you!
I know this experience well It has been my experience over and over again. At first, I tried to 'analyse' it: it made no difference. So I took it to my anam cara who had lived with Fr. Bede Griffiths in Shantivanam and was afriend of the Dalai Lama's brother. The first thin he did was to make me cut my meditation time down to 20 minutes a day! His next instruction was that I was not to read any 'serious' books. And, finally, he set me to serve: I went to work as a volunteer for a few hours a week at our local hospital. As light relief, he suggestd gardening.
There is a great deal written about this mental state among monastics. In Christian terminologie it is called anomie and is understood to be very important to 'treat'.
Service to others and to the earth have become my supports in the 'desert experience'.
"Don't wait to bloom.
The dirt doesn't get credit
for the daisy's beauty.
It merely welcomes
fallen petals home."
gassho,
moon
Trying to answer the question of who we are is as difficult as explaing what "nothing" is.
Wow!
That is inspiring!
Would love to hear more:)