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Looking for help please?
BoatS
Explorer
First off I'm new to this forum but have been viewing it for some time now. I'm a newcomer to Buddhism (a few weeks of practice) and I think it really fits and can help me in life. I've been practicing being as mindful as I can be; and also have been reading up on all of the different views that come along with it. One thing that I find really hard to acquire is "detachment". Never before have I thought that I was really attached to both ideas and people, but after retracing my past and observing my current life I can see that I tend to hang onto things which in turn make me miserable. I have suffered from a pretty serious depression for the last few years and have attended psychologists/psychiatrists and have been put on an anti-depressant for the time being. I haven't noticed it doing anything phenomenal, because I still worry constantly about things -- and I can't see how any medication can change the way you think and cause you to worry less.
Currently I'm in a situation in which I'm dating a girl that I care immensely about, and ironically enough she is over a thousand miles away from me. I never doubt if she will cheat on me or anything like that. No matter how much I try not to think of the "what if" situations they always keep coming into my thoughts and in turn make me miserable everyday. What if she stops liking me, if she breaks up with me I'll be alone again and have nothing, etc. I know that I must be attached to the idea of a person and who she is because I feel that if I lose her, I lose everything and be left with my depression and hopeless life yet again. I understand the concept of being "non-attached" but I can't seem to be able to incorporate into my life so that I won't be as miserable. In concept, I shouldn't worry because it is a useless act, but it's not that simple.
I try to avoid thinking as much about her, but then I also get worried that I'm going to end up not feeling as strong about her because it seems to avoid thinking about her I have to distance myself, which really isn't me. If I wasn't thinking of her, I wouldn't call her, I wouldn't remember to text her, etc. and I feel that I'm really "not" giving everything I have. This is my most major issue that I'm encountering now, I don't see how solely meditation can help me and if it can maybe I'm doing something wrong. I spend 20 minutes every day (sometimes two 20 minute sessions) in which I try to be mindful of my breath and when a thought arises I let it slowly drift away and go back to the breath. Can someone please help me with advice, techniques, or something? I'm completely miserable and I want to see if there is something more I can do. I know that life is worth living, but it's hard to see it sometimes. (Sorry for the depressing end, but it's honestly how I feel.)
Thank you,
Matt
Currently I'm in a situation in which I'm dating a girl that I care immensely about, and ironically enough she is over a thousand miles away from me. I never doubt if she will cheat on me or anything like that. No matter how much I try not to think of the "what if" situations they always keep coming into my thoughts and in turn make me miserable everyday. What if she stops liking me, if she breaks up with me I'll be alone again and have nothing, etc. I know that I must be attached to the idea of a person and who she is because I feel that if I lose her, I lose everything and be left with my depression and hopeless life yet again. I understand the concept of being "non-attached" but I can't seem to be able to incorporate into my life so that I won't be as miserable. In concept, I shouldn't worry because it is a useless act, but it's not that simple.
I try to avoid thinking as much about her, but then I also get worried that I'm going to end up not feeling as strong about her because it seems to avoid thinking about her I have to distance myself, which really isn't me. If I wasn't thinking of her, I wouldn't call her, I wouldn't remember to text her, etc. and I feel that I'm really "not" giving everything I have. This is my most major issue that I'm encountering now, I don't see how solely meditation can help me and if it can maybe I'm doing something wrong. I spend 20 minutes every day (sometimes two 20 minute sessions) in which I try to be mindful of my breath and when a thought arises I let it slowly drift away and go back to the breath. Can someone please help me with advice, techniques, or something? I'm completely miserable and I want to see if there is something more I can do. I know that life is worth living, but it's hard to see it sometimes. (Sorry for the depressing end, but it's honestly how I feel.)
Thank you,
Matt
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Comments
You might try some of the meditations described in these podcasts on releasing emotional reactions.
I realize that mediating will probably just open my mind more to the issues I'm having, and maybe that is some of whats going on -- it's just hard to ever see it ceasing. Also alongside with depression I do suffer from anxiety a lot, although I don't commonly have anxiety attacks. I will take a look at the podcast that you have given me, and thank you again for helping.
If you are happy spending time alone then there is no problem other than the concern you express about what your mom thinks. You could talk to her to reassure her about how you feel.
My son is 21 very soon and whenever he came home from university would spend a lot of time alone. I was concerned for a time that he was bored and lonely, but whne we talked about it he told me that he is so tired from his academic work and being surrounded by people at uni that he looks forward to coming home to get a break and some downtime.
Some people like their own company - I'm one of those too. Unless you are alone and miserable it is just another characteristic like being good at maths or being talented at sports. Enjoying solitude is also a valuable quality that many do not have.
There is a good book written by Anthony Clare called 'Solitude'. It is worth reading if you are interested in understanding the benefits and experiences of being alone.
Hi Matt,
Detachment is a challenge and one that is developed gradually over many years of practice. It is fine and healthy to have good, close relationships. The challenge as I see it, is not to give up thinking or caring about her and your relationship, but to not be dependent. It is the difference between enjoying her company, but not feeling that life is empty or that you can't survive without being with her. It is always possible that a relationship may end, but you would survive and life would go on. Buddhist practice will give you the knowledge that things are impermanent, and the understanding and ability to cope with that fact. With consistent and sincere practise, it will also lead to the change that you seek .
Metta
I have had long distance relationships several times from all between 3 months to a year.
This is what I did.
I am guessing you do have some contact with her from time to time?
When ever I felt doubt for her leaving me or loosing interest I tried to remember a happy moment we shared and I would tell her about that moment the next time we spoke.
Or I would think of a new (mostly honest:) compliment about how good her hair smelled or how pretty she was and tell her the next time we spoke. Try to be particular. Like "I loved that dress with the ... and how you wore your hair that day".
Or I would try to think up joke or a story from my day to tell her.
When ever I felt miserable for myself I would ask her how her day was and listen carefully and then later try to find something to cheer her up if she was down.
Btw. It is best to save quarrels until you meet face to face.
Good luck
Victor
You completely underlined my main problem. I don't want to spend every waking moment contemplating the "what ifs" and remain miserable, but I don't want to have to avoid thinking about her. In theory I know everything will not last forever no matter what you think, and that realistically, this relationship could end at any time. But I don't want that thought to get me demoralized because it seems as if that is setting myself up for failure and distancing
Victorious:
Thank you for all of your advice, thinking positive is always so hard for me but I'll try my best. We also have quite the history and she has flipped emotions towards me many times so it's hard to think of the wonderful times when sometimes it's nothing like that anymore -- so in a way it gets me more depressed of what use to be. She doesn't always treat me as I think I should be, but for some reason I still seem to come back to her regardless of who was wrong about said discussion. She definitely has her perks too. I just can't stand living like this
Thank you,
Matt
We have attachments and aversions. And then we make stories up which perpetuate these, causing us great pain. And we tell these stories over and over, and they get stronger over time.
Every time we do something we strengthen the habit. And when we strengthen the habit, we do it more. ... No therapist, no matter how skilled, can do the work of breaking our mental habits. We must do it for ourselves. We need to stop the stories: whether by firmly saying "stop", or by laughing at them, or by setting truthful, helpful stories which contradict the painful stories ... we learn to let go of them. Once we let go of them, then we are able to start letting go of their root causes ... the attachments and aversions.
Buddhism is the ultimate "habit-breaker". But even Buddhism takes lots and lots of time, and lots and lots of persistence, so we need to lighten up and be easy on ourselves for our imperfections, and be patient.
I got engaged to my "first true love" shortly before he got transferred out of town, and I spent an incredibly painful 12 months watching the relationship slip through my fingers like sand. He eventually called it off, and even though I sobbed for a solid hour, I stood up afterwards and felt great relief and lightness that the worry was resolved. And realized that what I had clung onto so tightly all that time had been the IDEA of the relationship ... because there is no real relationship when the person is not physically there beside you. And I had caused myself all that pain and worry over ... an idea. By the way, I met the man I actually married 6 months later.
As you can see, many of us have been in exactly the same place you are now. It can be incredibly painful to go through, and I know *exactly* how you feel about being 'at the bottom of life'. The good news about that is, there's nowhere to go but up!
I wish you the best with whatever comes your way.
Peace,
Mtns
PS: I keep waiting for "her" to show up too... I've been divorced for 8 years. I'm still patiently (most of the time) waiting
Thank you,
Matt
This very act IS the practice of "detaching". To acquire "detachment", requires practice in actually detaching. Thinking about what it is or how to do it really does not help. You actually have to do it! Which is what you are doing when a thought comes and you let it go and come back to the breath in meditation. After a while, the thoughts that come up will not be as powerful as they were before and they will come up less frequently causing less and less trouble. One teacher says "Every time you come back, you gain a little bit of wisdom and with every little bit you accumulate, life becomes a little bit easier." Which takes time.
And once it accumulates to a certain level, it will spill over into daily life, if you keep practicing, and when it does "worrying" drops dramatically. So when a thought of your girlfriend not liking you anymore comes up, you will be able to just let that thought go, because you have already been practicing how to let go of thoughts in meditation sessions. And when you let go of thoughts, the worrying stops.
However, easy to say and sometimes hard to do! But, that is why it is called "practice" and not "lounging on a nice cusion for 20 minutes"
When you say you care immensely about this girl, what exactly do you mean? Often, when we have strong feelings for a person they are more related to how that person makes us feel, to what they bring into our lives, and not so much actual love for that person. This comes especially into play if you if you feel you are dependent on her for something. In this case, it sounds like you feel you are dependent on her for your well being and happiness, or maybe just okay-ness.
I'll tell you a story. I had my first (and only) serious relationship with this guy a couple of years ago. I was against the idea of becoming dependent on him and clinging to him, but I think at some point I forgot about all that and was like, "oh gosh wow, being in love is so wonderful!" My favourite thing to do was lay in bed with him, just being together. Because it just made me feel so good about myself. So complete and whole. Of course I didn't realize this at the time. I thought that's just how love goes. And it's so wonderful! Haha, well of course these things don't last. Jealousy and hurt began to crop up. And then fairly suddenly I got anxiety and panic disorder, and came to rely on him also for my feeling of safety. Feeling scared? Run into his arms. This went on for about a year. Slowly I began to realize that I didn't even know if I loved him or not because I NEEDED him so much. Furthuremore, he wasn't cutting the mustard, so to speek. Every time I ran to him for comfort, I got a little less comfort out of it. Like a drug that you become immune to. Every time I leaned on him for happiness, I became more discouraged with the outcome. I am grateful for this experience because it showed me without a doubt that no person will ever make me happy. I started saying, "love is not a substitute for life." I really like that line. Maybe you will find it helpful as well. Anyway, I broke up with him. That was about a year ago, and we still had a year left of college together, living across the hall and still, so only now am I really getting time to heal. It's okay though. I know I built up lots of negative karma, and now I have to deal with the ghosts of that relationship for a while.
So I can absolutely relate. I'm not saying you should break up with her. But sooner or later, if you want to be happy, you're going to have to realize that you are absolutely fine without her! You can be happy alone. No question about it. Your life can be fulfilling and wonderful whether you have a girl or not. Society doesn't seem to think so, but that's all just a lot of smoke and mirrors. And look, don't take my word for it. You have to realize it for yourself, or else it'll be her or every other girl down the line that you look for to make you feel okay. The trick is to stop looking out there, and start looking inside yourself. That's what meditation can help with.
Here's something I do to help me get over my ex. And maybe you can help it to get over your current girlfriend. By "get over" I mean not feel so attached to. Try loving-kindess meditation. Have you read about it? The one I'm refering to is where, during meditation, you conjure up an image in your mind of a person (usually you start with yourself) and then you wish them well. I always do it like:
May you be happy
May you be healthy
May you be peaceful
And may you live with ease
The idea is to realize that she is a completely seperate person from you. That she has had a life before she met you, and will continue to have a life even if you guys split. Maybe it will help you generate respect and love for her as a person. Not as someone who belongs to you in any way.
Anyway, I hope I haven't gotten too far off of what kind of advice you were looking for. Best wishes, and take heart that you can feel great self esteem, you can feel whole and complete all by yourself, and that it feels absolutely wonderful.
I really do need to concentrate on practice, talking about something really can't accomplish what you need -- but I just wanted to ensure that I was doing everything correctly as I feel hopeless. Thank you for the explanations of how meditation can directly effect your life. I was thinking that it may just spill over with long practice but no one has yet to tell me that -- that gives me hopes that my practice has been helping (which I think it may have to some degree so far.)
Cristina:
Thank you for all the help and kind words. I'm still a little worried about being able to marry and/or date someone but not at all "getting attached" to the person -- I almost feel as if I would be less caring and not passionate towards them and that it would be unfair for them -- in turn I would most likely feel bad about it. Happiness must really reside within yourself, because that is the only person that you are able to control. I've heard of Loving-Kindness meditation but am not completely aware of how that works and is different from mindful meditation -- can you further explain please? What is an adequate amount of time that I should spend daily meditating? I know that there isn't a "necessary amount" or anything of the sort, but how much is preferred? Is it best to split up the meditation sessions or one longer one?
Thank you again,
Matt
May you be happy.
(Visualizing her laughing around the dinner table.)
May you be healthy.
(Visualizing her climbing the stairs without aches and pains.)
May you be peaceful.
(Visualizing her drinking a cup of tea in the morning and looking out the window.)
May you live with ease.
(Visualizing her getting ready for bed or something, feeling relaxed.)
This is just something that works for me. And if I'm having a hard time with the compassion, I may repeat the line several times in my head, slowly, maybe one line per breath, or longer, until an image comes to mind, but especially the feeling. I often tear up during this practice and that's how I know it's going really well.
I have read in several books that when you're starting out, many short sessions are better than few long ones.
I really know what you mean about feeling like you'll be less passionate towards a partner in the future. I wonder about the same thing. I have a feeling it'll be a while before I'm really ready to be in a relationship again. And I think... well haha, something I know from having been with my ex is how absolutely frustrating it is for your partner to not be attached when you yourself are. I was attached to him, and I wanted him to make me feel loved, and I wanted him to need me like I needed him. And it hurt me so much that he didn't, and I thought he was being heartless and didn't really care about me. But in the end I realized I was only hurting myself. So maybe if both parties are going to get attached, it will work on some level. Sure it'll be a relationship with jealousy and trust issues and dependancy, but being on the same page it can work like a lot of relationships work. Definately not ideal, but like I said, on the same page. And then if both parties are not attached, it can also be quite wonderful. There's no sense of desperation and urgency--see, I've been such a hopeless romantic all my life that this kind of relationship sounds empty and pointness, but I'll get over it someday, I think...haha--but instead there is mutual respect, love, and appreciation. It's sort of objectively better, but like I said, hopeless romantic, I can totally understand if you're attached to desperation and dependancy as something meaningful. I am too. It just causes suffering. And the way to be free of attachments is not to weed them out one by one, but to discover (through meditation,) truth. And once we realize the truth there is no need to be attached. Not that I'm there, so I guess I can't say for sure, but I think that's the idea.
Anyway let me know if you have any more questions. And as always, don't take my word for it, or anyone else's. See for yourself!
Thank you for the lengthy examples, I think I have a better understanding of it now and I will try to incorporate it into my day. I think were in very similar situations, I feel as if I "need" my girlfriend, but she doesn't portray the exact same amount of passion that I do. I'm still slightly nervous to find out that love is a sort of "imaginative" thing as I am a hopeless romantic too and have only wanted happiness. I really dislike the concepts of jealousy and lack of trust, but then at the same time I come back to being afraid of never feeling these emotions anymore (even if only briefly) as they seem so "natural". The disadvantages of being a hopeless romantic :-/
Thank you,
Matt
The wisdom you possess at such a young age blows my mind. It really does. It's taken me 30 years and too many relationships to mention to realize the truths you've already discovered at, what, 21? (I can't remember exactly how old you are but I think I remember that you're in your early 20s.)
Every point you bring up is something I've lived through and found out for myself is true. I know you talk about some things in a more theoretical sense, having read about them more than actually experiencing them, but even there you're spot on. Even though you don't have experiential proof of them yet, you're still wise enough to recognize them as being true.
Hi BoatS,
The advice Cristina is giving you, what I quoted above, is by far the best advice you could ever get for what you're going through. I can personally and experientially attest to the truth of it and following this advice will reduce your suffering immensely. When your suffering lessens your mind will become clearer and when your mind clears you'll be able to see things for what they really are. It's a Catch 22 in a good way.
It was especially important for me to learn that my more passionate feelings for my boyfriend were not actually about him. They were about my idea of him, my idea of 'us', and my idea of 'the future' with him.
But the most important thing I had to learn was that my so-called 'love' for him was not so much 'love for him' but attachment to the way he made me feel. Falling in love with him had been euphoric and thrilling, it made me feel 'special', like I was a member of the most exclusive club. The 'I'm his girlfriend' club and it could only have one member; me. My desire to feel all these things, and to keep feeling them, was not true love.
So called 'love affairs', those loud, passionate, crazy-in-love, kind of relationships aren't true love. They have much more to do with selfish love. True love is a gentler, more peaceful thing. It's characterized by caring about the welfare and well being of one's partner. It's about mutual support and realistic expectations. But above all it's about understanding and accepting that no matter how much we may wish it weren't so, there will come a day when we will be forever separated and that this separation is absolutely inevitable because all things are impermanent. Even if we're lucky enough to have a long, happy, and mutually beneficial relationship for the rest of our lives, we will still be separated at death. This is a non-negotiable, absolute truth.
I hope you save Cristina's advice and reread it periodically because you deserve to live with less suffering and you have the power to do so.
I'm wishing you peace and clarity.