Craving for approval

nakazcid

Recently at a Dharma talk, one fellow mentioned craving for approval as a common human trait. I identified strongly with this remark, but before I could explore it, the conversation had moved on. What lies at the heart of this desire, and did the Buddha recommend an 'antidote' for it?

federica

I have found that as human beings, all we would really like, is to be understood, appreciated and loved.
But we as Buddhists, feel that to be recognised and validated feeds the ego and nourishes our sense of a false 'Self'. Yet, the feeling persists that it's nice when people give us a pat on the back, because it makes us feel like we got something right.

I have found a personal antidote to this.
When I do something, I try to eliminate the reason I'm doing it. Whether it's for me, or someone else, I jut try to focus on the pleasure and satisfaction in completing the task, and how much better things will be generally when it's accomplished.

And when I get a pat on the back, I also think that the person giving me the pat on the back, must have derived pleasure from my actions, so I'm happy they're happy.
Turn it all outwards, and reflect back what a good feeling you are experiencing.

It's hard. But it works.
Simple. (not easy).

pegembara

When we were young we were taught or conditioned to crave for approval by our parents. Later we crave approval from teachers and friends. Yet later from colleagues, bosses and society. We accepted the values of our society and ancestors and are thus subjected to the worldly winds.

The eight worldly winds are pleasure and pain, praise and blame, fame and disrepute, gain and loss.

We have to unlearn this and focus on the allure and drawbacks. As long as one plays by the "rules" one can also be expected to be subjected to the "rules" of the game.

FoibleFull

Yes, the antidote is focusing on the happiness and well-being of others. There is an old Tibetan Buddhist prayer that goes:

Eight Verses for Training the Mind

by Langri Thangpa
With a determination to accomplish
The highest welfare for all sentient beings
Who surpass even a wish-granting jewel
I will learn to hold them supremely dear.

Whenever I associate with others I will learn
To think of myself as the lowest among all
And respectfully hold others to be supreme
From the very depths of my heart.

In all actions I will learn to search into my mind
And as soon as an afflictive emotion arises
Endangering myself and others
Will firmly face and avert it.

I will learn to cherish beings of bad nature
And those oppressed by strong sins and suffering
As if I had found a precious
Treasure very difficult to find.

When others out of jealousy treat me badly
With abuse, slander, and so on,
I will learn to take on all loss,
And offer victory to them.

When one whom I have benefited with great hope
Unreasonably hurts me very badly,
I will learn to view that person
As an excellent spiritual guide.

In short, I will learn to offer to everyone without exception
All help and happiness directly and indirectly
And respectfully take upon myself
All harm and suffering of my mothers.

I will learn to keep all these practices
Undefiled by the stains of the eight worldly conceptions
And by understanding all phenomena as like illusions
Be released from the bondage of attachment.

Glow

From an evolutionary perspective, it is in our best interest to have the approval of as many people as possible in order to have access to resources and protection. Like other mammals, we are social creatures. We developed regions in the brain that facilitate bonding behavior.

My suggestion would actually be to ask yourself why you think this is a problem. I think you'll find that the approval-seeking instinct is not so much a problem in itself. It can, however, become a problem when it becomes distorted or over-obsessive. Frequently it's tied into insecurity. Everyone has certain insecurities and the ways in which we seek approval can often be means to compensate for this. See where your sensitive regions are. Then, work on accepting them.

The Buddha taught that there were three types of conceit: thinking yourself superior to another, thinking yourself equal to another, and thinking yourself inferior to another. When we give up this sort of "comparing mind" (just as we do in meditation), we awaken the ground for self-compassion. In the words of Pema Chodron, "meditation practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and trying to become something better. It's about befriending who we already are." What would it mean to befriend who you already are, weaknesses, mistakes and all?

nakazcid

Glow, you raise a good point. The problem is not so much the lift I get from approval, but the dukkha that results when the expectation of approval is not met. Or even worse, when I meet with disapproval. I suppose the key is not to expect anything. Simple. Not easy. (Thanks, Federica.)