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buddhism in my real world
zombiegirl
beating the drum of the lifelessin a dry wasteland Veteran
i am a modern 20-something struggling to cope with an interest in buddhism and my modern college age friends. i don't want it to be so, but it seems to me that the more engrossed i become in buddhist studies/practices, the less i desire to see my friends. my friends have trouble understanding why i don't wish to drink or go to bars all of the time. i get called "lame" a lot. over the past few years, i just feel as though my desire to drink has decreased more and more. frequently, even when i do drink, i wish i hadn't. i regret it. in all honesty, i am not completely sober as i write this. i stayed out late with a friend of mine tonight and walked home as the sun was rising. i was struck by the beauty in my neighborhood and thought this would be wonderful for walking meditation... i hate that i am intoxicated and cannot meditate. wasted time, wasted moments.
it's not as if this is all that i have in common with my friends. it just seems to be the most common social activity. i would rather do any number of things that do not involve intoxication, and i do frequently jump at a chance to do these things with my friends... however, most of my invitations revolve around drinking/bars/parties and they have become more and more persistent and irritated at how frequently i turn them down.
i think perhaps the easiest answer would seem to be to go out with them anyways and not drink, and this might be a viable option if it were possible that they would let me get away with that. my friends seem to be the pushy sort, lately i have been wondering if they are the alcoholic sort. this has troubled me and even though i have brought it up, no action that i can see is being taken. having alcoholism in my family, this both worries and distresses me. although i have a few friends that i have these thoughts about, my best friend is my biggest concern. once, he really was one of the most giving people i have ever known, but lately, i'm just not so sure. i don't want to give up on him, but i don't exactly want to take the verbal abuse and anger he is so prone to when drunk. i know life is hard for him and he is not happy lately, but it's still very draining for me. it's a sticky situation for me. i should also point out that it is new behavior for him as well.
in my world, it seems that everyone my age is so engrossed with drinking as recreation. everything always involves alcohol. i wonder if this too shall pass or if it becomes a trend for my entire lifetime. i wonder how other buddhists behave in this world, so occupied by delusion. i don't want to run away all of the time, sometimes i really just want to experience reality as is... surely other people have encountered this conundrum? i remember i had the same reaction in high school when all of my friends discovered drugs and alcohol. i thought, "we used to have so much fun without it, why do we need it now?" i rebelled against it then and i feel myself rebelling against it now, but the only way i seem to know how is avoidance...
how do you deal with modern society? so unhappy they have to alter reality for what they believe is relief? i want to be normal and have normal friends, but it just seems hard for me to find the joy in normalcy lately.
sometimes, i just want to scream at them, "why can't we just enjoy this moment?"
it's not as if this is all that i have in common with my friends. it just seems to be the most common social activity. i would rather do any number of things that do not involve intoxication, and i do frequently jump at a chance to do these things with my friends... however, most of my invitations revolve around drinking/bars/parties and they have become more and more persistent and irritated at how frequently i turn them down.
i think perhaps the easiest answer would seem to be to go out with them anyways and not drink, and this might be a viable option if it were possible that they would let me get away with that. my friends seem to be the pushy sort, lately i have been wondering if they are the alcoholic sort. this has troubled me and even though i have brought it up, no action that i can see is being taken. having alcoholism in my family, this both worries and distresses me. although i have a few friends that i have these thoughts about, my best friend is my biggest concern. once, he really was one of the most giving people i have ever known, but lately, i'm just not so sure. i don't want to give up on him, but i don't exactly want to take the verbal abuse and anger he is so prone to when drunk. i know life is hard for him and he is not happy lately, but it's still very draining for me. it's a sticky situation for me. i should also point out that it is new behavior for him as well.
in my world, it seems that everyone my age is so engrossed with drinking as recreation. everything always involves alcohol. i wonder if this too shall pass or if it becomes a trend for my entire lifetime. i wonder how other buddhists behave in this world, so occupied by delusion. i don't want to run away all of the time, sometimes i really just want to experience reality as is... surely other people have encountered this conundrum? i remember i had the same reaction in high school when all of my friends discovered drugs and alcohol. i thought, "we used to have so much fun without it, why do we need it now?" i rebelled against it then and i feel myself rebelling against it now, but the only way i seem to know how is avoidance...
how do you deal with modern society? so unhappy they have to alter reality for what they believe is relief? i want to be normal and have normal friends, but it just seems hard for me to find the joy in normalcy lately.
sometimes, i just want to scream at them, "why can't we just enjoy this moment?"
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Comments
Order something that sounds sophisticated, but doesn't contain any "impurities".
Friends who drink call you lame because you don't drink like them ? No, you can't drink alcohol because you have...a minor liver problem these days, and it's really unwise to touch the beers.
Friends who dissapoint you because they are drunk ? Bring a bucket full of cold water , pour that water on them , while they are drunk, and tell them how embarrasing is to be near them.
Society going down ? That will not be your case. Aim upwards.
Second - re your friends... if they truly are your friends, then it will matter not one bit what your philosophy or beliefs are. If your being interested in Buddhism causes them problems, then those are their problems, and they're not your friends anyway. If being "in" with the group and drinking (probably to excess, if my recent university experience is any guide) are their criteria for friendship, I'd look for some different friends.
Best of luck on your journey...
Mtns
I feel your embracing of Buddhism is great, and wonder if a little tweaking might help you with what you're experiencing. I hear a couple of things in your post.
First, it sounds like when you are seeing or hearing the teachings from practiced buddhists, (reading, youtube etc) you are beginning to notice the difference between a person that practices meditation and a person that practices delusion (like drinking). This is normal, I think most people go through this kind of detaching, and it means your mind is becoming ripe for evolution!
One of the pitfalls of this evolution, however, is letting yourself become a judge for those who are still spinning, or who don't have the same view as yourself. There are some great metta threads that can really help you become more kind to those who are around you. Right now, you do seem to look at them unlovingly. This is ok, but I would say that 90% of your problem is really rooted in this kind of unskillful action.
When you look at someone who is in a different place than you are, and let yourself be disturbed by that chasm, then your dissatisfaction comes up like a hammer. What I find ironic, is that you shout "why can't we just enjoy this moment?" when you appear to be the one dissatisfied... or you wouldn't be shouting. Does that make sense?
One of the great practices in Buddhism is deep looking. What you could try maybe, next time your friends want to go out, is take it as an opportunity to look more directly at where they are. What is it that makes them happy? What makes them sad? What are their likes and dislikes? What do you hear in their words?
Don't do anything with the observations, just observe them. As you do, the patterns of judgement might unlock very simply, and instead of saying "why the hell do you have to drink" you, yourself will see why they do drink without needing to confront them with it.
As far as remaining sober, unless you were hogtied and it was poured down your throat, your actions are your own. Enforcing boundaries with your friends might be a good plan. You could try things like "I don't really enjoy having a dizzy head" or "I can DD" or "No thank you" or "Thanks for thinking of me, but I'm happier sober!" etc. No need to step onto their side of things and condemn or adopt their behaviors.
With warmth,
Matt
btw- I laugh every time I see your avatar! I love it!
- Find a hobby that falls on the same days that the drinking happen on. Book Club, Taichi, Yoga, Bridge Club ect.
- "I'm trying not to drink this month, I'm trying to get straight As this semester."
- Start an online website/project that must be worked on at that time.
You sound as if you are missing intellectual stimulation. If you meditate and polish your focus, what are you spending it on?Don't tune the car that is your mind forever and just keep it in the garage, put it to good use.
That is what I see.
Check this out:
http://www.universal-tao.com/archives/index.html
yes, i am having great difficulty with this problem. i wonder, "is it me who needs an attitude adjustment or are my friends simply no longer good for me?" when i say that they make it difficult to not drink around them, i mean that, when intoxicated, if i say that i do not want to drink... my best friend is quite prone to ordering me drinks anyways and chanting/pounding on the table "drink drink drink!" until i do so. it's embarrassing. he has a very bad temper when drunk and to try to resist him at this point will turn into a very bad argument. i really do think he has just become an alcoholic. when not drunk, we connect beautifully and learn a lot from each other. i could give you a long list of wonderful things he has done for me over the past 6 years we have been friends. not too long ago, he told me that it had been years since he spent an entire day with no intoxicants (he has medical issues and smokes pot/takes pain killers for such). when i think of him now i feel a mixture of frustration and concern. he says he is aware he has a problem and yet, does nothing to remedy it. i've seen this before and it is a very difficult place to be as a person who loves him. i know i should be more unconditionally loving, but it is difficult as i expressed that he becomes quite verbally abusive when drunk.
yes, yes.... yes to all of this, lol. thank you for your reply. i do judge, i try not to, but i do. i wish they could be like-minded and i am frustrated that they are not. i think it is quite obvious to me now who and what is really causing my unhappiness, lol. i will work on this.
thanks for the comment on my avatar. it's actually the CD cover for Mindless Self Indulgence's "Frankenstein Girls Will Seem Strangely Sexy" album. i just edited out the band's name at the top, but it makes me laugh too. i had considered using a more buddhist appropriate handle, but then threw that out the window because... what can i say? this is where i am at this moment. i like zombies and punk/rock.
the drinking happens mostly every day, lol. be it at a bar, or my house, or someone else's house... i would average that my best friend invites me out to a bar at least 3-5 times a week.
i have a lot of hobbies that i use as excuses, actually. i'm a comic book artist so i tell them frequently, "i am drawing." i am writing a novel so i can also tell them, "i am writing." i study the dharma/listen to lectures/read a lot of books. i also work full time and have an interview for a second job this coming week. i use all of these things as excuses, but it only seems to be a temporary fix for my real issue that i am now learning to be as much me as everyone else, heh.
Spill the drink, and leave.
Tell him you refuse to engage with him when he's drunk.
Just go.
I did this with my brother.
he was an alcohol-dependent for too long, and now, is completely sober.
sometimes, compassion comes dressed as a slap in the face. No less compassionate for its harshness. Compassion is not always a feather pillow or a soft place to fall.
I don't think Buddhism and zombies are mutually exclusive... they both involve a lot of chewing on brains.
WW,M
But sounds like u have never told your friend the real reason about what u dont want to drink. Of course if u always have drinks, and one day u say "ummm i dont want" with no argument people will take it bad. Make an actuall conversation, explain why not, about alcoholism in family, about buddhism,not just joking, and i can assure you they wont take it bad.
more importantly, are you enjoying the company of your friends. if not, don't go, if so, drink ice tea. it looks like scotch.
peace.
I am not able to drink (due to an extreme hypersensitivity to any and all CNS depressants, including alcohol and general anaethesia). I did go with my buddies, and then my husband, to many, many bars in my 20's. And being sober, I saw the sad desperation to find happiness that sat in the faces of all the drinkers. It just got too pitiful and depressing and I eventually stopped going to bars.
So find a sangha, a group that gets together to practice Buddhism. Go to "sits", retreats, volunteer as you're able. This will ease the sense of isolation, and drinking just isn't happening in any of the groups I've encountered.
These were some of the closest people I've had relationships with but the practice had more precedence over my life. The more involved I got with Buddhism the more it made sense. The more I followed the precepts and meditated the more blissful life became. By that time the only person I had in my life was my fiance.
Since becoming a Buddhist I have changed. I was not the same person my fiance met over five years ago. Before I was a drunk that only cared about himself and how far I could get materialistically. Now I am something completely opposite.
Eventually because I started seeing and pursuing more spiritual things in life my fiance and myself grew apart. We couldn't exist together because our goals in life are totally different. At the end of April of this year she told me she couldn't be with me anymore and left.
I'm not looking for any sympathy because even though it made me suffer it was my practice that pulled me through. Everything about suffering and how life is in constant change made sense.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that people are going to come and go and come again BUT the practice will always be there and will always change you for the better. Even though at the moment it doesn't seem like the skillful thing.
I hoped this helped.
On a side note: Mace Windu has some mad light-saber skills.
Oh and have you read this interesting story posted by another member?
http://newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?t=6509
Read it, especially the last part on the Wu-ming's reaction to the Emperor.
Let Buddhism show through you to them like the way Buddha smile peacefully, which attracted many to Buddhism.
In my world it gets to a point, for basically everybody and around your mid 20's (buddhist or not), when 'wild' parties get boohhhring. Same people, same BS...you know.
i'm 26 now....I managed to go through college without hardly drinking at all, and still going out with friends and party. At first they gave me crap about it, testing and teasing me (like when buddha was sitting under the bodhi tree, YOU ALWAYS GET TESTED BY THE 'DEVIL'). When I did not gave ground, and by partying harder then they ever could (sober = more energy and fun), I actually got respect for it.
I've been working for the last three years or so, and when you reach this next phase of life, with a lot more mature people around you, you'll see almost nobody really cares anymore. It just aint much of an issue.
I used to be a big big big big stoner when in my teens, I gave it up eventually for the same reasons as you I guess. Being intoxicated doesn't make life easier or prettyer or better, in almost every case, it makes it harder, uglyer and boring.
keep it up, stay true to yourself!
to answer a few questions, i have talked to my best friend about his problem but i'm sure another talk is in order. i'm currently just waiting for the appropriate timing. when i had brought it up in the past, he told me he was worried about it as well. so, i wasn't telling him anything new. but as they say, acceptance really is one of the hardest steps. i hope that the next time we discuss it, he will take it more seriously.
but anyways, i really just wanted to thank everyone for their replies to my entry. it's helpful to know that others have "been there, done that" as well. i'm sure a change is waiting for me somewhere in the midst of all this. i haven't stopped drinking altogether, i just don't want to get drunk anymore. i've been DDing a lot lately, which is fine except that, as FoibleFull noticed as well, drunk people really aren't the best company for the sober lol. currently planning on just riding it out and seeing where it takes me as well as being more firm in my choices and expressing exactly WHY i'm not drinking. several times now i have been firm in not wanting to drink and i've found that a few of my friends have gone along with me. "oh, you're not drinking? eh, i guess i won't either..." perhaps more people are susceptible to the social pressure to drink than i thought.
As you can see, I have issues with rambling. However, friends will be friends, real friends at least. I have friends who will jokingly mock me for what I do or my ideals and even though it hurts for a second you learn to forgive.
I say be truthful, if you do want to drink then do, if you don't then don't and let them know why. Accept and jibes, let them flow over you and then carry on as normal, the real friends will stay and yes, they may make jokes, but that is their way.
social pressure has most of society in its grasp...I often find people want to get out, but they really don't have the slightest idea how...
aren't tai chi and kung fu insprired by taoism (Ancient China) rather then buddhism (Ancient India) ??
I still totally agree with the whole leeway approach. The more hardline people tend to get when it comes to religion and philosofy the more bad stuff happens...
You. Sound. Like. Me. (My life)
And the part that you're friends are pushy about it makes kinda makes me angry. Don't lose that rebellious spirit. I've had thoughts like what are my friends gunna say if I don't smoke weed? I know they'd react like you're friends.. and personally that makes me wanna be away from them... Aim upwards!
A good book which kinda relates to your situation is "Dharma Punx" by Noah Levine.
He wrote a book I've yet to read called "Against the stream".
Seems like a good metaphor for what I think you should do.