Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Obsession
How does one deal with obsession?
The only way I can explain this is I have a lot of difficulty 'not knowing for sure.' It goes through all the things in my life that I do.
Work: I need to know every detail before I can make a good decision. Even when I do know everything, I'm never comfortable with the decision I make - I constantly go over it and over it till I burn myself out.
Relationships: I really appreciate my friends, but sometimes when stressed or obsessed with other things in life I deal with them badly. I take what they say too literally or don't look for the good in them ending up irritated by silly little things and push them away.
Another factor in this is that I have bi-polar mood disorder and I have had 'grandiose' ideas and done crazy things in the past. This does not mean that everything I do or say is wrong. I can see that this, however, can make it difficult for others to trust or believe me. One thing that this greatly affects is gossip. I have told gossip about others when someone was being nasty to me by, for example, spreading their own gossip. I felt I needed to do something to counteract it, to give myself some relief. I worry greatly that people I know will believe others over me - this has happened often in the past quite probably because I can be a little unbelievable. Being stressed over it does me no favours either when trying show that the gossip is out of context, plain wrong or worse - made up. If I could deal with it calmly and ignore it, it would go away so much quicker.
It is a cycle I don't really know how to get out of. I feel trapped, isolated and drained.
Can anyone give me any advice?
The only way I can explain this is I have a lot of difficulty 'not knowing for sure.' It goes through all the things in my life that I do.
Work: I need to know every detail before I can make a good decision. Even when I do know everything, I'm never comfortable with the decision I make - I constantly go over it and over it till I burn myself out.
Relationships: I really appreciate my friends, but sometimes when stressed or obsessed with other things in life I deal with them badly. I take what they say too literally or don't look for the good in them ending up irritated by silly little things and push them away.
Another factor in this is that I have bi-polar mood disorder and I have had 'grandiose' ideas and done crazy things in the past. This does not mean that everything I do or say is wrong. I can see that this, however, can make it difficult for others to trust or believe me. One thing that this greatly affects is gossip. I have told gossip about others when someone was being nasty to me by, for example, spreading their own gossip. I felt I needed to do something to counteract it, to give myself some relief. I worry greatly that people I know will believe others over me - this has happened often in the past quite probably because I can be a little unbelievable. Being stressed over it does me no favours either when trying show that the gossip is out of context, plain wrong or worse - made up. If I could deal with it calmly and ignore it, it would go away so much quicker.
It is a cycle I don't really know how to get out of. I feel trapped, isolated and drained.
Can anyone give me any advice?
0
Comments
I think I hear some of what is happening. When you're experiencing things, you have a lot of inner pressure to make certain everything is perfect, that the knowledge you have is complete before you feel safe to make a decision? When this obsession begins to occur, I wonder if you feel a lot of rapid fire thoughts ricocheting through your brain as you try to imagine every possible angle of the situation? Does this sound about right?
You may want to consider finding a therapist that can help you with some of this, as some of the rehabilitation is best with a close, knowledgeable and skillful person to interact with. In the absence of that situation, there may be a few things you could look at to help you right now.
Much of your obsession seems to come from the fear of criticism, which is certainly tied to the amount of criticism you have for others. If you make a mistake, or others make a mistake, is that ok? Is it alright for good people, who are worth knowing and loving, to mess up? Act badly? Make uninformed or stupid decisions? Do you happen to have a very critical parent or teacher?
People make mistakes, in fact, the greatest people often make the most mistakes, but they do so with open eyes, courage, and forgiveness. A mistake becomes a source of insight when you can look at it without judgement or fear. Instead of "Oh no, I messed up and did something wrong... the SHAME!!!" you can look at it and say "Oh, wow... look at all of the information present about what I can do more skillfully next time."
When we are scared of every little move we make, it can be exhausting even to walk down the street! Its like carrying a huge machine in our mind that is analyzing and condemning/praising each action, every step, every word other people mutter... looking for proof that we are either good or bad, or that others are either good or bad. That machine then eats up of our energy doing this, and is often described as an enormous pressure that forces us to do things we don't want.
The best way to avoid this pressure and dismantle the machine is, in my opinion, to do some sitting meditation. Through working with our mind in this way, we can become more potent and able to look at experience with more openness and control. If you can find a local sangha it would be great, because they usually have people who could help you establish some healthy patterns. They won't make you shave your head or put on robes or anything, but they could very well help you cultivate a peaceful mind. Therapy, in addition, to uncover where your self hatred lurks, could also help you overcome this pattern if you can take a leap off the cliff and abandon old patterns. Do this make sense? Does any of this seem to apply to what you're experiencing?
With warmth,
Matt
The only way I can explain this is I have a lot of difficulty 'not knowing for sure.' It goes through all the things in my life that I do.
That sounds like a difficulty. I advice to just sit with the difficult feeling of not knowing and just let it be. Notice the space that that pressured uncomfortable feeling is happening in. I mean you have room in your being to surround an icky feeling with your concern respect and regard. Honor it but don't fan the flames into a full blown depression. Just let it be icky and unknown. Hard to do but I think it works when we do it. Give a try?
Work: I need to know every detail before I can make a good decision. Even when I do know everything, I'm never comfortable with the decision I make - I constantly go over it and over it till I burn myself out.
I think thats like to what I said above.
Relationships: I really appreciate my friends, but sometimes when stressed or obsessed with other things in life I deal with them badly. I take what they say too literally or don't look for the good in them ending up irritated by silly little things and push them away.
Just keep observing these patterns in yourself and be honest that you want to change but don't beat yourself up. Have compassion on your friends when you remember and have compassion on yourself when you forget. You are trying to undo things you learned growing up to survive. Keep trying!
Another factor in this is that I have bi-polar mood disorder and I have had 'grandiose' ideas and done crazy things in the past. This does not mean that everything I do or say is wrong. I can see that this, however, can make it difficult for others to trust or believe me. One thing that this greatly affects is gossip. I have told gossip about others when someone was being nasty to me by, for example, spreading their own gossip. I felt I needed to do something to counteract it, to give myself some relief. I worry greatly that people I know will believe others over me - this has happened often in the past quite probably because I can be a little unbelievable. Being stressed over it does me no favours either when trying show that the gossip is out of context, plain wrong or worse - made up. If I could deal with it calmly and ignore it, it would go away so much quicker.
It sounds like you don't want to be gossiped about. And you are in contact with some people who are doing this. You will never win by outgossiping them but just tell the truth and correct their words with accuracy. You may not be able to get everyone to believe you but there is something satisfying about at least asking for what we wish isn't there? Even if the other person is not willing to give it. In this case you are asking for trust that you are truthful. I believe that by refraining from gossip yourself and by being truthful to people over a long period you will gain a good reward in that people will consider you trust worthy.
When you are in a manic state this might be very difficult in which case don't be too hard on yourself. Its a disease like diabetes. Try your best. And if someone cannot forgive you for what you say when you are manic? Well that is really hard but it is just part of the 'samsara'. We have sickness even in our minds. By practicing with it you can develope a lot of patience which is like turning a wound into a flower.
It is a cycle I don't really know how to get out of. I feel trapped, isolated and drained.
Notice the space. When you wake up in the morning notice the space out your window and imagine if you can give your feelings even icky ones enough space and sort of hug them with warmth and 'no big deal' sort of feeling. But honoring them too.
Can anyone give me any advice?
That's probably not too helpful; to be more specific, cultivating an attitude of equanimity. If you are like me, you are also probably plagued with regret and worry; I have learned that these feelings help no one, myself included. Instead, one should consider what they could do now, and in the future... how you could bring good out of the situation.
No doubt you envision horrific consequences (or just get the feeling that there will be) when you obsess over something (I do); instead, one can think "what is the worst that can happen?" Is this issue as important as our misguided brains are telling us it is? Would the Buddha be worrying over impressing his disciples, for instance?
I hope I make at least a little sense.
Go see a therapist. Instead of doing it the hard way and trying to solve it with Buddhism why don't you just get some help? I am all for simplifying. :P
I agree with this
the only other thing i wanted to comment on is that in your post, i didn't so much see the problem being "obession" as "insecurity causing obsession".
you second guess yourself because you are insecure. you are so bothered by gossip because you are insecure. you take what your friends say in a bad way because you are insecure.
these are all completely natural feelings and i'm sure everyone has/does suffer from this problem now and then. i wish i had better advice on how to develop self confidence though. all i can say is, relax dude! everyone makes mistakes so it's okay if you do too. everyone has also made mistakes in the past, so forgive yourself for this as well. i think that you also seem to do bad things and then beat yourself up about it (like the gossip example). in this way, you have taught yourself the validity of right speech and how it can make things better for you. what you need to work on is right view which will lead to right intention and then trickle down to right speech and right action etc etc. work on becoming the type of person that even if bad gossip goes around, no one would believe it anyways. work on the internal to affect the external.
QFT.
Word.
I think first and foremost, you need to see a qualified therapist/counsellor/psychiatrist.
If you have Bi-polar, you need medication, and there's no shame or disgrace in that.
I know somebody with Bi-polar and they know they need the medical/professional input, first and foremost.
Start there, and then follow Buddhism, as I know it will be supportive of such a mental condition. But first, you have to deal with you.
There's no point valeting the car and making it look a million dollars if the engine won't run because it needs fixing.
After getting a little balanced out (I've also been diagnosed bipolar), I suggest trying to figure out how much faith you can have in the notion that things are exactly as they're supposed to be right now - and that's nowhere near perfect! Accept yourself at any given time, flaws and all. Know that the natural course of your life will bring positive changes, and trust that the Universe is playing everything else out exactly as it should be. The hardest part is letting go of the clinging of everything going how YOU believe it should be. Let go of craving for things to go as you want, and try to let go into the faith that the Universe will make things go as they should, even though it might not be to your personal benefit at any given time.
Good luck to you and feel free to pm me with any questions about the bipolar thing.
the good news is you already know the answer -
".. If I could deal with it calmly and ignore it, it would go away so much quicker.."
and as you said...
"It is a cycle....." The brain reinforces itself with behaviour, good or bad, like a cycle. Perhaps a therapist can give you some help to break the cycle. And it can be done, with some new reinforcement of new ideas some of which you already know. For example, making decisions. Next time, you might try this - on a smaller, less important issue, cover your main points and make a 'relatively' quicker decision and tell yourself that you've covered the main points and this is a good and sound decision. Then let go of the situation and stop fussing. I'm sure you'll soon find that you can trust your instincts and good judgements with increasing confidence and start to fret less and less. In time, you will spend less stress dealing with bigger issues as well. Good luck to you!
Peace,
its important to know that the self will always feel anxiety over these situations that are by thier very nature uncontrollable, due to thier impermance. Therefore focusing on others such as boss, co workers, etc and thier needs will be the first parimita of giving. This will start to cut out and eliminate the selfish mind.