Courting Self

AllbuddhaBound

I have had the hardest time having this compassion for self. I have worried about being narcissistic when I treat myself with kindness but I have discovered that there is no possibility to be too kind to myself.

I think about relationships and how patient, understanding and accepting I have been when I was pursuing love with women I have been attracted to. There are no boundaries to the lengths I have gone to in order to become loved and accepted. The problem is, I had never given myself this kind of consideration at all. We have been taught when we love ourselves, we are too full of ourselves. This may be true when judging and placing ones self above others. But when we have compassion for others as well as our selves in an even handed way, would narcissism result? You would think not.

A question that occurs to me however, where does this self acceptance, kindness and consideration go if there is no self?

NamelessRiver

A question that occurs to me however, where does this self acceptance, kindness and consideration go if there is no self?

They operate in a conventional level. That doesn't make them less valid. I will be succinct and say buddhahood is achieved through practices in both conventional and ultimate truth. Saying that self doesn't exist at all is negating too much. It just doesn't exist ultimately, but, in fact, it does exist.

Cristina

I think the idea is that the self exists just as much as anything exists. It's fleeting, ever changing, always moving. Just like everything else. Popping in and out of emptiness. The acceptance, kindness and consideration is an attitude you can choose (or choose not) to take towards these things. In every given moment we can choose to love and accept what arises, or to hate and try to get rid of it.

I've been practicing a lot lately on accepting myself. And for real, I've always been a little full of myself, even narcissistic. And I'm find that those attitudes are dissolving a little. I think that maybe narcissism arises when we cling to our selves. It's only a guess, but it kinda makes sense to me... We build up this image of our selves, and we constantly tell ourselves over and over again how great it is. How great we are. But that's not true acceptance. True love and acceptance could drop that story and simply be with our selves, however we are arising in this moment.

Best wishes.

aMatt

Allbuddha Bound,

People are often afraid that self love will create something that resembles narcissism, and its quite reasonable to examine the cultivation of self-love in that light. From my perspective, narcissists are not self-lovers, but they are self-haters. What appears as rampant self examination and love is actually them aggressively seeking to dismantle that hate/insecurity (albeit unskillfully.) Its like the affection, good words, thoughts, and attention from self and others goes into a cracked cup. Until they deal with the cracked nature of their hatred, they can't use the reflections to build confidence and compassion. That does not sound like you at all, as you reflect upon yourself with what sounds like patience. I have never seen a narcissist genuinely ask a self-reflecting question, it is too scary for them.

I wouldn't worry too much about your self love. If self is comprised of attachments, fears, delusions and the like, wouldn't it soften and dismantle them to be loved? I know most anger dissolves in the presence of open hearted love and kindness, it could be that once you have strong self love, the self will naturally fade away as there is no need to cling. Much like you don't cling to the odd qualities of the people you love, neither will you cling to the odd qualities of yourself, once you are loved by your own heart.

Once the self is dissolved, I imagine you'll just have compassion left. I doubt you'd have an occasion to think about it enough to describe it as self-compassion, unless you were relating it to others, as it just wouldn't come up. Until then, I would say that self love is what keeps dissolving the self free from apathy or nihilism.

With warmth,

Matt

Glow

We often look to others to confirm that we are loveable. We are virtual mirrors of others. If our parents held us to standards we could not meet in order to win their approval, we will internalize a sense of "not good enough" or "not deserving of love unless we achieve impossible feats." Self-compassion comes from the knowledge that you do not need this external validation -- that your worth is not determined by your work achievements, romantic conquests, habits, etc. Compassion touches in with the knowledge of "your face before you were born."

The word metta means friendship; recall how you feel in the presence of a good friend. (Hopefully, you've had such a person. If not, find one! Everyone should experience complete acceptance from at least one being in their lives -- even if it's your dog.) They accept you just as you are. There is no need to manipulate or impress or apprehend or put on a facade. You are content to just "be." Even if you are having a difficult time, are grumpy, depressed, etc. you feel acceptance in this person and it accelerates your ability to enter more peaceful moods. This is the peace we try to come in contact with through self-compassion. It's not pampering. It's not narcissism. It's not ignoring how we can sometimes hurt others or ourselves. It's about trusting in that we are doing the best we can with what we have and giving yourself enough leeway to move beyond your prejudices and projections.

NamelessRiver

Nice post glow. :-)

Mountains

Indeed Glow - thank you. That's wonderful.

Peace

Mtns

AllbuddhaBound

I agree. Glow, a great reply.

AllbuddhaBound

An interesting article on Buddhanet states that the concept of no self is false. It says that no self is a misinterpretation of what Buddha taught. He also states that not self is what Buddha believed. It answers a lot of questions for me.

http://buddhanet.net/buddhism-self.htm

It frees me to focus on self in a different, simpler way. I have been struggling with the concept of no self for some time.

Glow

Glad I could be of help guys!

Also, that article is correct. Anatta = not-self, not no-self. The teaching is only meant to help us ease up on the "selfing" strategies which are unskillful ways of mediating suffering; e.g., labeling something as "me" or "mine" when in reality, it is only contingent/dependently arisen from a nexus of other factors and is impermanent. The self exists, but only as an impermanent event. My first teacher put it this way: "Self is not an illusion. Permanence is." Both the doctrines of self and no-self the Buddha considered misguided.