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kindness
Here's a question. Does intention make kindness or does the outcome make kindness? Like, if I do something intending to be kind to someone and instead it makes them mad, was that kindness? As for where the question comes from...
My dad just talked at me a lot, see, and I never know when to listen to him and when to let it just roll off me. Because he just says all these things, and he yells at me, and just the fact that he gets so upset sometimes over really stupid things, especially anything that like, "offends him," or something, he'll just fly off the handle, anyway that kind of behavior makes me not really want to listen to him, because I don't want to be like him. But he told me things like how I showed no to respect to my mom, and that I stressed her out and made her really upset, and how it was my fault. And I told him that yes, my actions do have an effect on her, but ultimately she's responsible for her own feelings, and honestly I've been trying all summer to have a positive attitude, to be kind and upbeat and not get upset. And I've been doing a good job! Much better than ever before! But he said he doesn't care about all that, and that I'm only doing it for myself, that I have some idea in my head of how things should be and I'm acting based on that, but I'm not really doing things that other people want. And he may have a point, but I just don't know if I'm skillful like that yet! I'm still trying to build my self esteem and not live life with so much fear. Certain things have to come first, I think, and I really thought I was putting in good effort and even getting good results! But now I'm just not so sure. And I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I should listen to him or how to deal with my mom.
See, my mom really likes to control things. And my entire life it's been the same way, and I'm really not sure but I guess over the years I've just grown into habitual patterns of procrastination and not putting much effort into things because I know she'll always do them anyway. Plus, even if I do something, she will say it's not good enough and do it again. I've been packing up boxes and stuff, and seriously every single thing I packed, she repacked. But eh, I'm used to it, what do I really expect? And she just gets so mad at me and so stressed out. I don't know, and my dad thinks it's all my fault.
I guess I'm just really doubting myself. Maybe I am just walking around trying to remain peaceful and happy and positive, but at the end of the day all the good it ever does is just for myself. So I don't know if I am really being kind like I thought I was! Maybe I'm just closing my eyes and being "kind." I do know that I'm not as kind as I could be, but I'm only human, and I don't always swallow my pride or do something despite the pain. Gosh I just don't know. Isn't it crazy how one person's opinion can make you doubt months of practice? I guess it's just because it's my family. They all think I'm totally full of myself and selfish.
Does anyone know what I could be doing wrong?
My dad just talked at me a lot, see, and I never know when to listen to him and when to let it just roll off me. Because he just says all these things, and he yells at me, and just the fact that he gets so upset sometimes over really stupid things, especially anything that like, "offends him," or something, he'll just fly off the handle, anyway that kind of behavior makes me not really want to listen to him, because I don't want to be like him. But he told me things like how I showed no to respect to my mom, and that I stressed her out and made her really upset, and how it was my fault. And I told him that yes, my actions do have an effect on her, but ultimately she's responsible for her own feelings, and honestly I've been trying all summer to have a positive attitude, to be kind and upbeat and not get upset. And I've been doing a good job! Much better than ever before! But he said he doesn't care about all that, and that I'm only doing it for myself, that I have some idea in my head of how things should be and I'm acting based on that, but I'm not really doing things that other people want. And he may have a point, but I just don't know if I'm skillful like that yet! I'm still trying to build my self esteem and not live life with so much fear. Certain things have to come first, I think, and I really thought I was putting in good effort and even getting good results! But now I'm just not so sure. And I don't know what to do, and I don't know if I should listen to him or how to deal with my mom.
See, my mom really likes to control things. And my entire life it's been the same way, and I'm really not sure but I guess over the years I've just grown into habitual patterns of procrastination and not putting much effort into things because I know she'll always do them anyway. Plus, even if I do something, she will say it's not good enough and do it again. I've been packing up boxes and stuff, and seriously every single thing I packed, she repacked. But eh, I'm used to it, what do I really expect? And she just gets so mad at me and so stressed out. I don't know, and my dad thinks it's all my fault.
I guess I'm just really doubting myself. Maybe I am just walking around trying to remain peaceful and happy and positive, but at the end of the day all the good it ever does is just for myself. So I don't know if I am really being kind like I thought I was! Maybe I'm just closing my eyes and being "kind." I do know that I'm not as kind as I could be, but I'm only human, and I don't always swallow my pride or do something despite the pain. Gosh I just don't know. Isn't it crazy how one person's opinion can make you doubt months of practice? I guess it's just because it's my family. They all think I'm totally full of myself and selfish.
Does anyone know what I could be doing wrong?
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Comments
I think sometimes kindness is not received well, but its still kindness. On the other hand sometimes yes we are 'closing our eyes' when we are trying to be kind and thats the part that takes skill.
Keep trying and be inspired by those you have seen who you know have truly been kind.
Loving kindness is not just the intention, but the intention and the skillfulness to use the intention. In your case, it does seem like you are making your parent's behavior about you...which makes sense on one hand, because it sounds like they include you by blaming you, but on the other, it doesn't make sense because their behavior is motivated by their karma, not your own.
For instance, you mom repacks everything, which must be exhausting. If she wants everything to be perfect, to be safe, then that is really just a big fat fear that nothing is right. If you look at that, pull it apart, can you see how its a deep clinging to permanence, self view, and acting from fear? None of that has anything to do with you, so you can set that down. From there, I think being loving to her can actually begin, because it can be about where she is, and what would be kind and skillful for her in the moment.
I wonder what your dad looks like if you penetrate his action with the same selfless attitude? What motivates his actions? Where does he suffer? How are you trying to make his crap about you?
If you're just looking for your world to be less painful, with less interruption of your sacred space by your parents, you might be missing the mark a little, as you might be making it all about you.
With warmth,
Matt
The thing about old people is they tend to have lots of delusion, their habits of thought and action and emotion are very deeply ingrained, and they are difficult to deal with. I'm not too skilful myself at dealing with my parents, but like you, I'm working on it. Check out this video, I found it very helpful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jniaUr_7438
I think one of the main things that stresses me out with my parents is that I wish they were less difficult. The thing is, that is an unreasonable thing to do. Wishing things were better is stressful. I have to accept that they do so much negative action speech and thought. One of the things that helps with this is realizing that I am a difficult person as well! So naturally, what I should focus on is being less difficult myself.
Then ego is a problem. Whenever I see a situation as involving ME, well, it sucks because things don't go very well for ME when I'm around difficult people. So I just see it like a video game, I'm playing 3rd person. I just use this body to say something to try to help the difficult people to see the error in their ways.
And also compassion for the difficult people, whom are so difficult for THEMSELVES, for sure, I try to feel genuine compassion. Sometimes I can't do it, but it does help when I can see through my own confusion and see things with less delusion.
Good luck to us and all who have stressful family life!
I find it immensely helpful to think of compassion in situations like that. Try to think about the fact that your mom and dad have certain things in their life that make them suffer (in a Buddhism sense of that word), but don't confuse compassion with pity, and don't be arrogant about it (I'm not implying that you are, it's that I've been known to make those mistakes myself). Try to empathize with them. Mediatate on those thoughts. Cultivating compassion should keep you strong when conflicts like that arise.
A random thought: why don't you ask your mom to help you pack the boxes next time. Doing it together might help you both communicate and understand each other better. It might be hard for you, but it's worth trying.
As for your dad, I agree with aMatt: it would be helpful to try and understand where he is coming from.
Disclaimer: I dont know a whole lot about Buddhist way of thinking just yet, so my advice might not be very "skillful", but it's coming from the heart :-) Its not easy to keep the perspective and the distance when it comes to relationships, but all of this is some good grist for that Buddhist mill, as they say...
Good luck,
Peter