a long story of attachment

ThailandTom

Jeez, I don't know how many times I have been in a similar situation to this one that I am in now. I will try and cut a long story shorter to spare you the hassle of reading my ramblings :P

I am fully aware of attachment from a buddhist perspective. I have a grasp on the chain of desire, cravings and ultimately attachment and realise as humans we attach to things naturally. I am aware that we can lessen these attachments over time with practicing the dharma and maybe one day be free of them all together. Relationships are maybe the strongest attachment one can have in ones life, be it mother, brother, friend partner, teacher whoever.
I am currently 21 years old and have had 2 serious relationships with regards to a 'girlfriend' I would say. They both spanned about 2 years each, apart from this I have had a few not so serious ones spanning some months.
The second of the 2 serious relationships was turned upside down after 18 months or so as she had to move away with her family back to Italy. We kept in touch and spoke for up to 8 hours a day on the net without fail and everything was as good as it was going to be.
After some time I realised for me this was not going to work. I could not bear to be so far away and have things circulating my head day in day out. It was a torture that I had never experienced before. Looking back on it then I had no experience with buddhism what so ever, I had times where I would be so depressed I would not move from my room and have no energy to even eat.
I kept saying to her that we need to break contact all together and then we did. We eventually made contact again and this happened several times, each time the pain being too much so we stopped talking, then the weakness of not being together in a sense becoming too much. So again, it was a torture, catch 22.
I was at university and so was she in Italy, I could not leave my education as I thought with my head and not my heart, so I was stuck in this situation. Finally after about a year of her being in Italy, we stopped talking all together for a lengthy time. In this time I still woke up and thought of her, still thought of her last thing at night but it was not as painful and I could bear not having her around. Buddhism did in fact help with this.
I then decided to move to thailand and this helped even more with more than just this situation, many things about my life were helped with this simply act of moving to asia. After 2 months of being here, I was feeling strong enough to be able to communicate with her without becoming attached, what a mistake that was. At first it was fine, although she was hesitant understandably due to everything we had been through. She was now less open and less herself obviously closed up a little towards me. I soon became attached again and said those worn out words, 'we should really not have each other in our lives anymore.' We went our own ways and we haven't talked since. That was about 4 weeks ago now and I have been totally okay with the matter until tonight for some reason... When we were together I seriously have never connected with someone in such a way before. Our relationship was built around communication, we could spend hours just talking and it would never get boring. I admire her sophistication, her morals and her general way of being. This is why I am so attached to this person. Even with my understanding of attachment, understanding what it does to me and to her, understanding that at least for a few years we will not be in the same country, I yearn to have her there...
I must add however, this time around the need and attachment is quite a bit less and not as strong as before. I mean I can actually get to sleep fine and do every day things fine, I just see her smile too often and get caught up in the past in my mind or in the future. I don't know what to do...

Any remarks or advise is welcome, thanks tom

pearl

ThailandTom wrote: »

When we were together I seriously have never connected with someone in such a way before. Our relationship was built around communication, we could spend hours just talking and it would never get boring. I admire her sophistication, her morals and her general way of being. This is why I am so attached to this person. Even with my understanding of attachment, understanding what it does to me and to her, understanding that at least for a few years we will not be in the same country, I yearn to have her there...

This sounds like a deep love, not attachment.

True love is rare to find. Even if found, it cannot blossom without sacrifice.

Ask yourself: What do you want?

ThailandTom

Hmmm, in the past through sheer pain of not being around her and not knowing, I have been angry and done things out of this anger which I ultimately regretted. Simple name calling or abusive words, I realised why that happened and so did she. I have thought however that maybe I do have a deep love for her because since she left I have not looked a girl in a certain way, I have not desired to start a relationship with anyone else or engage in causal sex. I have never seen any value to casual sex anyway, but she has also not been in a relationship as far as I know. It is not my business or part to judge as we are totally apart, but when we decided to communicate again she always had time for us, we even spent valentines day talking all day and night.
I don't know, I do not want t make plans or to live in the future, but I also do not want to have her on my mind corrupting my thoughts and life. Because that is what it does when we I start to remind myself of her often.
I thought that if someone truly loved another person, they would be content with them being many miles away...??

Tom

Jeffrey

I think its a relationship but its also similar to an addiction. Its pleasant and also painful. My teachers advice was to not be divided. Telling yourself you shouldn't indulge but then wanting to indulge which is what I mean by divided. You end up knocking yourself either way. Just day by day make a choice of what to do. To talk or not. Live with that and own it rather than second guessing or knocking. See for yourself how your choice affects you.

For me this is not about what you should do to live happily ever after. That is a fantasy in the storybooks that we live happily ever after by making the 'right' life. At the same time see if this relationship really delivers what it promises. Does it make you happy or unhappy?

In my experience if you get involved in different lives you will grow apart and move on. I have been deeply in love with people and when they have new loves and a new life we eventually lose touch though I still care very much for their well being.

But you see for yourself how this relationship is for you. You can't be divided and have it both ways. You just have to live with it one way or the other. Use it as an awareness practice either way.

Pema Chodron has some interesting advice on addictions in her recent tapes about shenpa. How you described the depression and despondancy made me think of it like an addiction.

Cristina

I think what Jeffrey said is right, about making up your mind and then going with that. The decision isn't as important as you might think. What's most important is what you do with what you've got.

Something else to keep in mind is this: no matter if you're with her or not, you have to learn to let go of her. I think one of the biggest and cruelest lies of all time is the idea of a "soulmate." As if we're not okay and whole all by ourselves. As if we'll never be truly happy until we find someone who "completes" us. I think we're so easily fooled because falling in love is one of the most wonderful experiences someone can have. It really truly is. But it's a dangerous game, because when you build your happiness up in a house of cards it will eventually fall down. When we satisfy our needs with something that we don't have control over, what else can happen but for us to fall extravagantly after a while? The real solution is to find happiness and peace within ourselves. Then we can love without attachment. I've even gone so far as to lay in bed and imagine that my ex boyfriend is behind me, cuddling with me. The feeling of safety and happiness and unconditional love emerges. Then I imagine his body vaporizing and flowing into mine until it's just me. And I'm the one giving myself a feeling of safety, happiness and unconditional love. And the feeling remains, glowing and wonderful and lasting! And that's how I know it was never him.

I'll tell you what I'm doing--I have an ex boyfriend who I haven't let go of yet. And I'm not in communication with him. I don't know how long it will take, but I think I'd totally get reattached if I started talking to him again. It's just the little things that get to me, you know? The, "hey I have to go help my mom with dinner." Anything, it just reminds me he has a new life without me and he's perfectly fine. And it HURTS. Because I know when I talk to him, I fall back into my old ways of thinking, the "he's mine," kind of ways. And it's like a sharp wakeup call each time I realize again that he's not.

Just one last thing to keep in mind. Do you love her? Or do you love the way she makes you feel? It's really an important distinction. Just some things to think about.

zombiegirl

i think an old adage comes to mind here:

"if you love something, set it free. if it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. if it doesn't, then it never was yours in the first place."

you're still quite young and things will probably be rapidly changing for the both of you at this time. i think if it's truly meant to be, a little time apart won't hurt it.

also, just a word of warning... i have quite a bit of experience with long distance relationships. another adage, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." is totally true. it is much harder to be deeply in love with someone when you see them everyday and have nothing to fight for. 18 months is no doubt, not a short amount of time... but it's not exactly long enough to be out of the "new" relationship phase either. it is hard to say what the evolution of your relationship might be if you had another chance for a go at it. i'm only telling you this because i don't want you to make choices you regret based upon a hope that this is "IT", only to have the relationship completely change once you've attained what you think will bring you happiness. i've made this mistake in the past.

my suggestion, you both should focus on what is important to you at this time. if what you enjoy is her conversation, then why is it necessary to have any romantic interest at this time? you may be brought together sometime in the future and have opportunity for another chance, but i wouldn't rely on this. i don't believe in soul mates, but i do believe that we have a lot to learn from every relationship. don't lose out on an opportunity because of a maybe.

i can't stress this enough though, if you wish to keep talking to her then you must create some sort of guidelines. you are both hurting each other with this back and forth business. it would be better to just draw the line at friends and try to resist the desire to possess. it does not sound like a long distance relationship is what either of you desire, why not just enjoy each other to the extent that is available at this time?

ThailandTom

Hmm, much to consider and to take in. Thank you very much though, it is always great to get other peoples perspective and opinions.

Just one last thing to keep in mind. Do you love her? Or do you love the way she makes you feel?

yes this is how you define love I think, you need to study the feeling and see if it is selfish or a true feeling of compassion. As I said, communication was the very foundation of the relationship and I could converse with her in a way that I have never experienced with anyone else. I care about her and want her to be happy, one reason why I want to maintain this 'non-contact'. Not just for my sake, but for hers too.

18 months is no doubt, not a short amount of time... but it's not exactly long enough to be out of the "new" relationship phase either.

18 months in person is not very long I suppose, but in that time we in fact had very little problems, if any at all. It all started after we departed. It is true long distance relationships are near enough impossible and things inevitably change, I am aware of all this but I still find myself attached lol.. silly really. I have had a few relationships as I have stated, some serious some not so, but this as totally different. I noticed this from very early on, it was as if i was watching a movie, we had to do little or nothing and everything literally unfolded before our eyes and fell into place as if by magic.

I'll tell you what I'm doing--I have an ex boyfriend who I haven't let go of yet. And I'm not in communication with him.

You seem to be in a similar boat to me, but you just have more will and strength that I do. I remember being in that situation and thinking, ''if I make contact now, I am back to square one again.'' It is true, you just bring yourself right back to the start again, to the start of the pain, you become reminded of their voice, of their mannerisms and them. I even at one point checked off the days on my calendar since I last spoke to her and make myself feel better with each day, that soon folded haha.

But yea, we all have our own ways of dealing with break ups, I believe the dharma has the best answers, it is just doing it that is the hard part. I can feel that this time around, my desire to communicate with her is less due to knowledge and compassion for the situation. We are both at points in our life where it would just not work out, that doesn't stop me from seeing her every day though...