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On loneliness...
Mountains
Veteran
Just wondering what others here think about the concept of loneliness as it relates to the dharma? I've been divorced for almost eight years, and have only dated sporadically since then, and never seriously, nor more than two or three times with the same person. For whatever reason, I just don't seem to meet anyone I feel I have the least connection with. I've tried the online scene (including Dharma Match.com), but nothing ever seems right.
In general I'm fairly happy most of the time being without anyone special in my life, as I stay busy with work (soon with school full time), taking care of my dogs and cat, and some other outside activities. But there are times when none of that is going on, when I don't have much of consequence to do, when my mind starts to run toward the "boy am I lonely" end of the spectrum. That inevitably leads, or starts to lead sometimes (before I catch it) to thoughts of "I'll never meet anybody" and "I'll grow old alone" and the like. Usually I'm able to arrest those before they get very well developed (which used to lead to depression), but the fact that they're still simmering there below the surface, able to pop up when they do means the stuff is still back there in my mind. Meditation definitely helps, but as I say, those thoughts are still there from time to time.
I understand the difference between grasping, attachment, and desire, and in truly loving another person without the attachment, but I'm not even at the point of having someone to grasp or be attached to. I know we all end up alone in the end, but (hopefully) I've got a few years left in this life before that happens (I'm 48), and I'd really enjoy sharing it with someone I'm really in love with. So… I'm pretty okay most of the time, but there are those days when being lonely seems huge.
Anybody got a thought?
Peace,
Mtns
In general I'm fairly happy most of the time being without anyone special in my life, as I stay busy with work (soon with school full time), taking care of my dogs and cat, and some other outside activities. But there are times when none of that is going on, when I don't have much of consequence to do, when my mind starts to run toward the "boy am I lonely" end of the spectrum. That inevitably leads, or starts to lead sometimes (before I catch it) to thoughts of "I'll never meet anybody" and "I'll grow old alone" and the like. Usually I'm able to arrest those before they get very well developed (which used to lead to depression), but the fact that they're still simmering there below the surface, able to pop up when they do means the stuff is still back there in my mind. Meditation definitely helps, but as I say, those thoughts are still there from time to time.
I understand the difference between grasping, attachment, and desire, and in truly loving another person without the attachment, but I'm not even at the point of having someone to grasp or be attached to. I know we all end up alone in the end, but (hopefully) I've got a few years left in this life before that happens (I'm 48), and I'd really enjoy sharing it with someone I'm really in love with. So… I'm pretty okay most of the time, but there are those days when being lonely seems huge.
Anybody got a thought?
Peace,
Mtns
0
Comments
The best thing to do is accept the loneliness with an open heart: allow the sensations in the body to arise without tensing against them, allow the thoughts to come and go with the knowledge that loneliness is indeed a painful experience and you have every right to feel sad. (The first noble truth, after all, is about having the courage to acknowledge the face of suffering in our own lives.) Continue the search for a partner, but have compassion for yourself and don't exacerbate the quite natural feelings of loneliness once they arrive.
One can be lonely and yet appear to have many friends. One can be married with children and still feel lonely and isolate.
Ultimately we are all alone. Our thoughts, feelings and perceptions are ours alone. We can never completely share them with others. That is reality.
If one can be comfortable with this aloneness, one will not be lonely ever again.
Today for example I meditated for a while in my room and then sat there letting go of any attachment or thought of the future or past. I was in that moment and I was relieved. I was at peace, calm and almost in a mild form of bliss. I then went to see my friend after this and as we got talking I noticed how hectic simple conversation is to the mind. How it automatically brings back the fast pace of thought. I am sure over time you learn to cultivate the mind so you can be at peace in almost any situation, but I have only scratched the surface.
As far as being lonely is concerned, I use to have a major problem with this. I had friends and lived with people, I had a few serious relationships but there were times I felt alone, just like most people do form time to time. You have to try and realise why this happens, what is causing you to feel this way. I think we need to learn to enjoy peoples company and love them for who they are, but not to get attached to them. But also to learn to love to be with you and only you, to enjoy the moments when you are alone and are left with your thoughts. As a buddhist these will be the times where you will most likely further your wisdom and understanding.
You mentioned you are fine whilst doing something, feeding your cat or whatever, this reminds me so much of me a few years ago. I read somewhere not long ago that just as we need time to form relationships with friends or family who anyone, just as it takes time to get to know these people and love them, we need to do this with ourselves. We do not often spend time alone to get to know who we are, to love who we are and this is crucial to a peaceful life.
Lastly, do you want a serious relationship with with these dates? Do you want that special person in your life and if so why? Only you can answer this question, so think about it some time.
All the best, tom
Right Speech
excuse me? Instead of wallowing in self pity I was trying to cheer the fellow up.
First off all I'm an atheist not a Buddhist so I don't have to adhere to the Buddhist definition of what is right to say, but let's have a look
somewhat oversimplified ideals but so far so good, unless you consider telling someone to "get over it!" abusive
EDIT: while I don't feel I violated "right speech" in my comment I do not agree with these concepts, here's why:
in all cases? if someone holds a gun to my head and to survive I have to tell them how awesome they are sure, I'll lie. also there's white lies.
so if we were all cannibals and I said "hey, there's something wrong with that" that'd be wrong?
well, excessive abusive/hate speech is of course wrong but saying a curse word every now and again is perfectly normal
I can idle chat all I want thank you very much
People should follow "right speech" only voluntarily. As shown above I do not subscribe to these views and should not be told to follow it thank you very much
The problem is that telling someone "Boo hoo, get over it" does not cheer someone up, it does just the opposite.
well sometimes a smack on the head is all some people need. too much introspection and over analisis is not always that good - it is only when I stopped over analizing myself that I began to feel happier. Indeed some zen masters do smack people on the head
Also, how do you know that it doesn't? are you a psychiatrist?
indeed maybe not but it's best to try many things - you tried your approach and I tried mine. Hopefully Mountains will benefit from at least something that was said here.
YESS!! EXACTLY!!!! very eloquently said
Most of us think we're lonely at some time or other in our lives....but lonliness is just an illusion.. and thoughts are like clouds....
.
No, I was quoting my friend, who is a psychiatrist.
Boy, isn't there a sign that says "check your ENORMOUS ego at the door please" somewhere around here? A little navel-gazing and self-reflection would do you a world of good. Do you tell people who are seriously depressed to just buck up and get over it? Very compassionate of you I must say. And very helpful (not!).
Thanks (everyone else) for the kind thoughts...
Mtns
Federica... where are you?
Okay I was wrong then- but I'm only here cause I care.
I hope you manage to be truly happy and content with yourself and your life guy, all the best, tom
sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely.
Yet, there are some very cool aspects to living alone. For one, you can make your home a private sanctuary. Since you don't have to please anyone else, you can create a personal paradise, maybe even with a large shrine. Living alone is great for meditators and students too. You have a luxury few possess; many students can't find a quiet place in their homes and their studies suffer as a result. By having a personal study haven, you are giving yourself the opportunity to really excel. Hoorah! Living alone also gives you more free time. Let's face it; relationships take up a great deal of time. Being alone lets you explore all those things you've wanted to explore, but never had the time. If you can, cherish this luxurious time knowing that it will end as all things end. Before you know it, you'll meet someone special and this alone time will only be a memory.
Cheers,
P
I heard something that is very true the other day about human nature of the untrained mind. We tend to take for granted the great moments in life, the times we are happy and the times where things are ok in the world. When something bad happens we focus in on that and hold it close for a long time, forgetting all of the positive times e have had. If you cherish what is good in your life, the positive aspects to your day, the bad parts don't seem so significant anymore. Everyone has good aspects to their day, they are there and need to be cherished as they will pass just like everything does. So will the bad moments in life, so will your loneliness.
My advise to you is when you next feel lonely, don't go and busy yourself with cleaning, or feeding your cat or surfing the net whatever it may be, this one time leave it. Try cutting yourself off from the world and find some solitude and sit in any position you so wish. Let go of everything that is going on in the world, let go of your worries and thoughts of the past or future and just be you in that moment. You may find that it is not so bad being with you, that you are in fact good company
I myself am going to leave my home for a few days soon and walk up to the hills and mountains and live by myself for a few days. no sleeping bag or tent, no computer or people just me and nature. I have seen that being in these moments of slitude truly strengthens my knowledge and understanding of buddhism, but it also brings me inner peace and love for myself
Good luck and I wish you all the best, tom
Thanks for the thoughts. All those things certainly are plusses, but at the same time many of them are minuses as well. I've got more "free time" than I wish I did a lot of the time, or at least I'd like to share the things I do in my free time, or do some things that it really isn't easy to do alone (like kayaking). I do have (by my standards) a nice shrine in the bedroom that I probably wouldn't have room for if someone else were sharing it with me. As for "Before you know it..." - it's been eight years! Still waiting
Mtns