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Paranoia and Joy happening simultaneously
I've been practicing garage Buddhism for 20 years... that means I don't belong to any group... I just read a lot! 
So the thing is... I'm developing incredible joy with my practice. It's self-existing, bright, shiny, loving.
But at the same time... I keep looking over my shoulder - like someone is going to take my joy and happiness away. I don't think about it... it just happens. And this sorta gets in the way of the joy just flowing. It's kinda annoying. Along with the paranoia are these annoying games I play with myself... creating projections of all kinds that COME TO LIFE and do try to take my joy away. It's like a catch-22.
Has anyone ever experienced this? What's the next step? I'm sure it will happen naturally... everything seems to develop into another situation. I just don't know how to get out of this one.
Thanks.
So the thing is... I'm developing incredible joy with my practice. It's self-existing, bright, shiny, loving.
But at the same time... I keep looking over my shoulder - like someone is going to take my joy and happiness away. I don't think about it... it just happens. And this sorta gets in the way of the joy just flowing. It's kinda annoying. Along with the paranoia are these annoying games I play with myself... creating projections of all kinds that COME TO LIFE and do try to take my joy away. It's like a catch-22.
Has anyone ever experienced this? What's the next step? I'm sure it will happen naturally... everything seems to develop into another situation. I just don't know how to get out of this one.
Thanks.
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Comments
i q29 - Eternity
He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.
i quote this to myself alot and dont worry about paranoia i have it too its as empty as eveything and will pass
I would love to. Unfortunately I live in an area that has no Buddhist support groups at all. I'm seriously thinking of moving to Colorado to do it.
If you have a strong connection with joy, you might find the practice described in these podcasts useful.
The joy sounds great, but experiencing the joy is not the point of the practice, conventionally speaking. Experiencing the whole shebang, including the paranoia and projections, would get closer to the point.
Were do you live?
This is the problem, you are attached to the bliss of meditation. By setting it free you will see if magnify, however, you will have to resist getting sucked into fear and attachment again as this occurs. The Kagyu have a saying "Don't hope for advancement and don't fear recession" or something like that. It also looks like you may need to address insight meditation. If your prime focus has been tranquillity then this doesn't have the power to overcome the emotional veil, it works until the next karmic seed is germinated. You need to kill off the seeds, not just refrain from watering them and planting them.
But truly you need to find a relationship with a teacher. I communicate with my teacher via email so maybe you do not need to be in the same location.
Do you continue to read the dharma, particularly definitive teachings? This will help as well.
Finally, this may just be a phase. It depends on how long it has been going on for. Many times we seek help in the journey only to find that the problem rectifies itself without intervention. Sometimes the act of seeking help ends up solving the problem, merely by formulating the problem the answer is found.
Cheers
I know exactly what you mean.. iv experienced this before... blissed out states but somehow worrying of feeling like ur crazy and wondering how long it will last or worrying it will go away.
Unfortunately for me though it didnt last long.
Anyways all the best to you man
Well... it's a very nice feeling. It hasn't gone away. It's become even more familiar and I'm learning how to live with it... I guess I mean I am enjoying myself.
What did it for me personally... was getting rid of all the girls in my life (exept my Mom of course!) The need for sex with a girl always was making me sad and depressed. So I've vowed not to couple ever again.
Then of course... just living life as simple as possible. Not asking the universe for "more money" or "a new car" etc.
Self existing joy... seems to be the underlying nature of the Universe. It's just that we cover it up with all this stuff.
Also like Master Ooguay in Kung Fu Panda I don't believe in accidents. Today I was looking at Snow Lion online magazine and came across this article from "The Power and the Pain" by Andrew Holecek, the excerpt is called The Danger Of Samadhi (http://www.snowlionpub.com/pages/N90_4.html). Of course that's only one insignificant event, the second being a chance visit to this forum and re-reading this thread that you've posted and, 1+1=2.
Hope it helps!
I think I'm ok. What I'm feeling isn't really a blissfull state that you get when you meditate like meditative candy. It's just a satisfaction and a nice healthy wholesome glow down in my tummy somewhere.
It feels really wise! Like I can't get sad anymore or happy anymore.
I don't know... I feel good and healthy. Maybe what I mean is a kind of happiness that you can depend on, isn't going to swing you up and down. Just kinda like a fancy-free satisfaction that doesn't go anywhere. :rolleyes: Maybe this is the beginnings of detachment?