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How to tell the difference between skillfull and unskillful feelings in meditation?
Hey guys,
Recently I've been having a bit of a "block" with one particular person in my life. I realise that this block is totally in my head, but due to the fact they do potentially represent some threats to me in terms of financial and emotional security (also plenty of identity and ego and other purely illusionary securities too), I'm finding it hard to totally give up the feeling of the block.
When I get to the stage of the meditation where I visualise this person I find it hard to fully let go and wish them well.
I once read a commentary on mindfullness meditation that said sometimes if a thought is recurring a lot in your meditation, it is a part of yourself trying to tell you something. E.G if you keep having stressful thoughts it may be a sign to become more organised.
So I'm at a point where I don't know if this is a part of myself I should listen to or not! I strongly suspect that the feeling and "block" I am experiencing is a mix of useless and detrimental habit and resentment, and an amount of legitimate and reasonably-founded concern that I would do well to listen to (though I'm not totally sure what it is telling me to do).
I can't help feeling that my desire to totally let go and wish this person well is also a desire for "everything to be alright" e.g for the outside situation to be other than it is, which seems like an unskillful way of thinking. At the same time, should I listen to this discomfort?
Does anyone have any advice on how to tell the difference between an unskillful and fear-based habit and my mind giving me sound advice to be cautious?
It also reminds me of the story of the Zen monk who is meditating in his hut underneath a dripping roof and it keeps falling on his head and distracting him. When another monk walks in and asks what he's doing he says "practicing no preference", and the other monk slaps him because he's being stupid. So I took from this that sometimes it is a good idea to take action in the outside world. I don't know what the action I need to take is but the discomfort I am feeling does not feel like something I should just sit with, there is a part of me warning me of not doing something about it.
Recently I've been having a bit of a "block" with one particular person in my life. I realise that this block is totally in my head, but due to the fact they do potentially represent some threats to me in terms of financial and emotional security (also plenty of identity and ego and other purely illusionary securities too), I'm finding it hard to totally give up the feeling of the block.
When I get to the stage of the meditation where I visualise this person I find it hard to fully let go and wish them well.
I once read a commentary on mindfullness meditation that said sometimes if a thought is recurring a lot in your meditation, it is a part of yourself trying to tell you something. E.G if you keep having stressful thoughts it may be a sign to become more organised.
So I'm at a point where I don't know if this is a part of myself I should listen to or not! I strongly suspect that the feeling and "block" I am experiencing is a mix of useless and detrimental habit and resentment, and an amount of legitimate and reasonably-founded concern that I would do well to listen to (though I'm not totally sure what it is telling me to do).
I can't help feeling that my desire to totally let go and wish this person well is also a desire for "everything to be alright" e.g for the outside situation to be other than it is, which seems like an unskillful way of thinking. At the same time, should I listen to this discomfort?
Does anyone have any advice on how to tell the difference between an unskillful and fear-based habit and my mind giving me sound advice to be cautious?
It also reminds me of the story of the Zen monk who is meditating in his hut underneath a dripping roof and it keeps falling on his head and distracting him. When another monk walks in and asks what he's doing he says "practicing no preference", and the other monk slaps him because he's being stupid. So I took from this that sometimes it is a good idea to take action in the outside world. I don't know what the action I need to take is but the discomfort I am feeling does not feel like something I should just sit with, there is a part of me warning me of not doing something about it.
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Comments
Turn this compassion upon yourself.
Consider this:
"I would like to wish this person well, but I'm finding it a challenge.
And that's ok.
I can't 'love' everybody the same, equally or with the same, equal level of kindness and compassion. That's a challenge for me, and if I were enlightened, it would be easier, but I'm not.
So let me behave in a way with them that creates a favourable atmosphere. Let me look to my attitude and have compassion for myself, and let things be.
Let me be skilful in my attitude, thoughts, words and deeds with this person. I can only show compassion as far as I can show it, and I can make allowances for myself in feeling as I do.
if I relax and go easy on myself, and understand that this is a process of acceptance of my own attitude, then it will become easier to relax with this person, and reach an acceptable level of compassion, kindness and empathy with them."
or something like that, anyway......;)
I can hear what you're describing... the difference between working skillfully with our emotions and thoughts and putting ourselves in harms way. Sometimes the lesson is to get out of the middle of the road, not practice dodging all day long.
However, can you go into more detail with this: "[They] potentially represent some threats to me in terms of financial and emotional security (also plenty of identity and ego and other purely illusionary securities too)"? It might make the potential sources of your difficulty easier to discern.
If they are a danger to you or themselves, it might be best to simply avoid them. If it is a matter of projected fears getting in the way, and the person is simply living their life in a non-destructive manner, then its best to work on letting go of the notion of 'self' that the person is threatening. For me, when I get confused as to which way it is, I look at the person as though they were my child (as my children inspire direct and immediate compassion). I wish my children so much joy and happiness, that I do not feel any threat or worry that they might have while I have not, and yet I can still see where they are unskillful or harming themselves with their ignorance. With compassion, I ask myself: Is competition inspiring my difficulty? Is it a personal fear that they will have and I will not? Am I taking their difficulties personally? Are they in need of help, not judgement and fear?
Those kinds of questions usually help me overcome the knot in my head that puts me at odds with people. Often, I bring that knot into view after sitting meditation, so I can examine my view more clearly.
With warmth,
Matt
When it comes to internal experience, don't try to separate out the valid from the invalid. Open to all of it.
It's all unskillful, fear-based habit. It's all wise advice. Keep these two extremes in mind simultaneously, and things will be clearer.
Thanks again
And then let go. Hatred resentment embarassment shame greed? Let them be....
Just watch them in your mind...
This is called emptying the drain...
When the drain is emptied through meditation the natural river of wisdom and compassion will spring forth again at some point, but this only happens when we let go and let be...
When positive feelings come up you can celebrate them and imagine yourself going towards them. Rather than trying to forcefully replace bad with good first let go of bad. When good comes up go forwards towards it and rejoice in it.
Its kind of a process and trying to replace the feelings too soon is sort of like trying to take a crap 5 seconds after eating...
Thanks