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New dad, same old monkey mind
JetsFan366
Explorer
My wife gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl two weeks ago. I'm thrilled. I'm also overwhelmed. I'm a doer. One of the reasons I was exposed to Buddhism was through mindfulness training and MCBT to help me become more of a be-er than a doer.
I'm getting really caught up in leaving things left undone to take care of the baby. I know most of those things don't really matter much in comparison (weeding the garden), but it's having an effect on me. Whenever I see or feel the need to do regular chores, or things I would've seen as self improvement, like practicing the guitar, I get really anxious and resentful. Almost like being torn between two things my mind won't ease up on.
Before the baby, in my mindfulness practice, I'd been pretty successful at observing these phenomena in my body and then letting them go. Meditation has been great. But now, with the lack of sleep to go along with everything else, I find myself having a hard time letting things go. I had pretty severe obsessive compulsive disorder when I was young, and I've never been good at letting things go. I'm afraid that this challenge will push me back into the easier path of feeling sorry for myself, becoming cynical, and just losing my mind in entertainment.
Any advice?
Thanks much-
I'm getting really caught up in leaving things left undone to take care of the baby. I know most of those things don't really matter much in comparison (weeding the garden), but it's having an effect on me. Whenever I see or feel the need to do regular chores, or things I would've seen as self improvement, like practicing the guitar, I get really anxious and resentful. Almost like being torn between two things my mind won't ease up on.
Before the baby, in my mindfulness practice, I'd been pretty successful at observing these phenomena in my body and then letting them go. Meditation has been great. But now, with the lack of sleep to go along with everything else, I find myself having a hard time letting things go. I had pretty severe obsessive compulsive disorder when I was young, and I've never been good at letting things go. I'm afraid that this challenge will push me back into the easier path of feeling sorry for myself, becoming cynical, and just losing my mind in entertainment.
Any advice?
Thanks much-
0
Comments
empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
hang out the washing and butter the bread,
sew on a button and make up a bed.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
but I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo.
Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?
(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).
The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,
for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
by Ruth Hulburt Hamilton
I completely agree. My angst at needing to do has never been rational. People have a hard time understanding that, but it is comparable to a smoker needing a cigarette. It does not let my mind go just because I can frame a rational argument against it. Trust me when I say that most people who suffer from OCD know full well that their compulsions are not rational. They know how silly it is to wash your hands 50 times despite what shows like Monk portray.
Meditation, mindfulness and Buddhist ideals have really helped me in dealing with these things. But like I said, I'm having a hard time putting things into practice right now since meditation is so difficult.
Thanks for the replies.
Maybe do mantra while you rock the baby?
Be well.
I hear some of your struggle in your words, and can understand how stressful it might be to have two competing desires come up at the same time. The baby needs attention and the garden needs attention! Of course you choose the baby (congratulations on the new baby by the way! Two weeks, so tiny and beautiful!) but still have to deal with the compulsion with the unmet actions.
If your baby is anything like either of mine, sometime around week 4, when the adrenaline wears off, you'll be so tired and crazy you most likely will not have the energy to obsess anymore.
As far as dealing with compulsion, two things come to my attention right away. If you spend some time just noticing the feeling of compulsion, it might make working with it skillfully more simple. Sometimes when we move from compulsion to action over and over, we build up ruts of experience. The state of mind we have while we are 'making things right' and 'seeing things right' becomes what we really look for, much like any kind of drug.
If you spend some time contemplating that having weeds in your garden or dishes in your sink is a component of the dedication you have, and are both perfectly normal (even wonderful) then perhaps the settled state of mind is one you could have no matter what kind of 'mess' might be around you. Just notice the compulsion and the rut, without moving toward action, and the situation might naturally untangle.
With warmth,
Matt
In a couple months your daughter will be more interactive too, and will start smiling and giggling at everything you do and it quickly becomes a whole new experience.
My son is 4 and a half months. When he's upset, one of the things that calms him down and amuses him is... sitting him in front of me and playing my guitar and singing to him. Mind you I suck.
I also like to read. Babies that young don't really give a crap what you read to them. Read your favourite books out loud to her.
Babies love the outdoors too. Find a shady spot or grab an umbrella and take your daughter outside with you and get some yard work done. There are great little chairs called bumbos that let young babies sit up "on their own" and let their feet touch the ground; they love the feel of the grass, to watch you while you do just about anything, to hear and smell and see all the noises outside.
At the same time... they're just weeds. And what aMatt said is a great way to learn to look at it.
Your life doesn't have to stop, you just get to approach it in new ways and get to share it with your wonderful baby girl.
I have major problems when my house isn't completely clean, and I don't even have kids or a partner at home to keep me occupied. It's a struggle, so I have lots of sympathy for you.
Sherab - Mindfulness has been the most successful 'technique' I have ever learned. As I dig into where it came from, I see it is much more than that.
Matt - "The state of mind we have while we are 'making things right' and 'seeing things right' becomes what we really look for, much like any kind of drug." - Heavy stuff. I think I know what you mean. I'll try to let that stir a bit.
Tree - You know, I have tried that, but it never worked for me. I'm pretty good at not doing said compulsion but I can get frustrated having to not-do-it over and over again. Not sure it makes sense. It just seems like living in a constant state of fighting you mind. And that can be very tiring.
One of the things that helps with mindfulness is that I can notice the feeling and not get all worked up about it. And then it comes back far less frequently.
Today is a better day. Thanks for the replies.