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living with very ego-driven people
being
Veteran
Hey!
My situation is, that I kinda have to live with my parents atm, who are very negative.
They constantly judge and criticize all kinds of different stuff. It really gets to me. I find it very hard to stay and practice mindfulness and get quite depressed when I'm staying here. It's even hard to find motivation to meditate. I'm not complaining, merely describing the situation.
Does anyone have any tips on what could I do about this? (other than moving out, which is obvious anyways)
Like any way I could talk to them about this, without making them feel bad about themselves or feel anger towards me? Maybe I should try to share the wisdom of Buddhism with them and explain them their behavior and once they see, how unskillful it is, they will change themselves?
Any help is appreciated,
being
My situation is, that I kinda have to live with my parents atm, who are very negative.
They constantly judge and criticize all kinds of different stuff. It really gets to me. I find it very hard to stay and practice mindfulness and get quite depressed when I'm staying here. It's even hard to find motivation to meditate. I'm not complaining, merely describing the situation.
Does anyone have any tips on what could I do about this? (other than moving out, which is obvious anyways)
Like any way I could talk to them about this, without making them feel bad about themselves or feel anger towards me? Maybe I should try to share the wisdom of Buddhism with them and explain them their behavior and once they see, how unskillful it is, they will change themselves?
Any help is appreciated,
being
0
Comments
I can hear the difficulty you're having as you observe patterns of judgement in your parents, and can understand why it would "get to you". You probably have some compassion for those who are the object of the judging, and wish they would be nicer to others? When I would listen to people who were very critical of others growl about this or that, it used to make my chest sore.
It is very difficult for most to overcome patterns of judgement, and lessons coming from a person's child in this regard might be even more difficult. I would not suggest that you try to teach them, it will almost certainly increase the agitation of their minds. When people are judgmental, often they will assume that what you're doing is judging them, which will only make them cling to their beliefs with more vigor. When you're getting caught up in their patterns, it is simply too treacherous to navigate yourself. Experienced teachers tread very mindfully around critics, because it can be difficult to know whether a slap or a hug is the most helpful.
In my opinion, the best thing you can do is just look at them. Try to accept that their judgement comes from a history of difficulty and strong emotions like fear. Be grateful that they helped provide an environment for you that let you awaken from their stuck patterns. The more you look at them, the more compassion you'll have for them, because the real victims of their judging is them. While it's sad, its also their burden, and the more compassionate and accepting you become (in this case, accepting their judgement) the more you'll be a natural example for them.
Outright teaching them is out of the question in my opinion... it will only increase the dissonance between the three of you. Accept them, be thankful for what they've done, and observe the pain they cause for themselves through their patterns. Sometimes, not speaking is the most skillful thing we can do.
When compassion has taken over, and it no longer "gets to [you]" then you'll be in a much better position to actually help them in a way that is good for them. Often I bet it will be a hug or some kind of comforting gesture, perhaps validation of some emotion they have... but I doubt that it will be teaching them a lesson from the dharma. Who knows though, every relationship with parents is different, so let your heart guide you, of course.
With warmth,
Matt
I'm very sorry to hear about the problems you're having with your parents. I truly hope you are able to find a way to communicate your feelings to them, and also help them begin to see through their negativity - the way you are beginning to see your own.
Try to remember that they're imperfect beings, and that you are part of them. It may be hard to be sympathetic to people who are making you miserable, but if they are acting and feeling negative they may not be able to understand the pain they're causing you.
Even though it sounds difficult, try to meditate with the feeling of depression. Sit down to meditate with a positive motivation - "I am going to practice meditation in order to improve my mind and actions for the welfare of all beings; including myself and especially for my parents, who are also suffering from sadness and negativity." In this way perhaps you can look at not only your own depression, but that of your parents and in fact all sentient beings.
Depression is only a cloud that obscures the true nature of the mind.
I didn't think you were complaining. It sounds like a very difficult situation.
Is there some reason you can't move out?
Speak truthfully and directly about your own experiences. Explain how it makes you feel, rather than blaming them (example "When this happens I feel bad" rather than "You make me feel bad").
Here's some problem solving tips:
1. Breathe deeply and remain calm.
2. Talk and listen to each other.
3. Find out what you both really need.
4. Brainstorm solutions to the problem.
5. Choose the idea you both like.
6. Make a plan. Try it out.
(I should mention I got that off a fridge magnet I have for Resolutions Northwest. The text underneath the steps say "Still having problems? Give mediation a try." I always think it says "Give meditation a try." Still a good idea!
As for keeping them from feeling anger towards you, remember this: You can't control how others will react. The only reaction you have any control over is your own.
It's hard to recommend what to say to someone's own parents, since you know them better than any of us. From my experience, if I was trying to explain to my parents something they had done that was bothering me I wouldn't try and include a lesson from Buddhism describing why they were wrong; I know it would only agitate them. (However, I may just be misinterpreting how you explained your approach.)
If they are interested in learning about Buddhist philosophy I would save it for a separate conversation, instead of including it in your discussion about their negative actions.
I hope you are able to get some support during this difficult time, and that your problems with your parents are swiftly resolved so you can live together harmoniously!
I am convinced that it's a very hard thing (if not impossible) to teach parents anything. I absolutely tried, and had high hopes of it working, but it really just made them mad. They said I am completely self centered, in part because I won't take responsibility for putting them in bad moods. For me, it's a really hard thing to do to not take what they say personally--maybe you have the same problem and that's why it gets to you so much. I always tell them that if it were anyone else I'd be okay, but because it's them I really get hurt by what they say. But yeah, like aMatt said, they have their own reasons for being judgmental and angry, and none of them are your fault. Neither are they things you can really change.
I know it's tough, trust me. But it can help to look at it as a teacher. Think, "what does this situation have to teach me?" Look at it as a challenge. Do you have a place you can go to be alone? That can be really important.
I mostly just wanted to share with you that I've had no luck in getting my parents to change their behavior towards me. I would stop and point out things like, "see, this is the reason I have such low self esteem," or, "why are you judging me so much? Would you please stop? It really gets to me." Nothing worked. And really, eventually I realized that trying to change them was just as bad as them trying to change me. They are who they are, just as your parents are who they are, and maybe the best thing to do is love them as they are with no conditions, realizing that their anger and critical nature hurts them just as much as it hurts us, if not more.
It's kind of an odd/scary thing to realize that our parents are just people. Fallible, scared, vulnerable, that they were once kids and maybe they still are deep down below the hard exterior. Don't look down upon them, just love them.
Best of luck! Moving out has it's downsides too--like, I'm a little terrified at the prospect of being out here, thousands of miles from home, all by myself. See the benefits of living with them, the companionship and love you can share while you're there.
The judging is not towards me much (it used to be, when I was younger). Even just hearing their voices, from which tone I can most of the time understand, if they are being negative, gets me down.
I guess I could bear it/accept it, if my level of mindfulness was a lot higher than it is at the moment.
I can understand intellectually, that they are just suffering themselves, but maybe it's that understanding, which gets me down. Maybe it's the fact, that I see all that suffering inside them, but feel like I can't do much about it.
Or maybe it's just that I'm like "please stop being so negative about everything, it's really hard to bear".
Also... I wasn't planning to explain them Buddhist ideas like "In Buddhism...", but rather just explain suffering with ordinary words and with all the logic it has in it anyways.
For example, I could explain them, that every time they criticize something, their agitation of the mind will only get bigger and it's no use to condemn phenomena, that already is etc.
If they see, how they just create more negative emotions for themselves, they might at least think about not doing it next time.
I have a co-worker like that. Wow, it's HARD some days, isn't it? It's actually kind of amusing that when we are around judgmental people, we start being judgmental of THEM.
The problem is not them. It is you ... your reactions to them. Pema Chodron points out that when something is "wrong", we think we have to try to "fix" it, but the solution is always fixing ourselves instead. But because the source of our unhappiness is our attachments and our aversions, the solution lies in how we relate to our own internal states.
There are three ways that I know of to deal with the discomfort when these people start their criticizing. Usually, but not always, I find at least one of them useful:
1) Turn my attention to studying my own reactions to them, and to how my aversions are making me feeling unhappy
2) Remember that all of us just want to be happy (that's why you and I wish they'd shut up!) ... if you REALLY look at them, you will see that they are bitter and unhappy, and this critical judgmentalism is their attempt to rise above their unhappiness. They are either blaming others for their unhappiness, or they are just trying to discharge some of their dissatisfaction. The appropriate way for you and I to respond to that is to feel compassion. Especially, if we can see how we are being judgmental, and they are being judgmental ... then we can to understand how we are all just the same, and all stuck in the same boat of samsara ... compassion.
3) Tonglen is a Tibetan method (exchanging self for other) which I'm sure you can google ... it can be another, more-deliberate, way of developing compassion.
Whatever you do, do not interfere. Fix yourself first, and only then, when you are a Buddha, can you -- and must you -- show others how to fix themselves. Trying to fix them also runs the risk of developing arrogance, which is the opposite of learning compassion.
You have my total understanding of this problem!