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the big move
Hey everybody... I don't know if anyone remembers or not, but I'm going through a really transitional period right now. I've pretty much done it, but it feels like there's so much left to do emotionally... I've flown across the country with my mom, went shopping for like a week straight, cleaning, assembling furniture, all sorts of stuff. Went from sleeping on an Aerobed with my mom in an empty apartment that smelled like floor wax to having a nice place I can call home.
The thing is, my mom just left. Maybe you can imagine how I'm feeling, I don't know. She was really sad, and said she'd miss me. And I realized (once again) that all the little things she does that sometimes bug me, she does because she loves me. Thinking about how much she loves me makes me cry--always has. And when she said she'd miss me my first reaction and response was to say, "really?" I just have such a hard time accepting the fact that people actually do like and love me. Even/especially myself. Anyway that's kind of beside the point.
I'm really... well lots of mixed emotions. Sad, afraid, some excitement/looking forward to stuff mixed in there behind the surface. Just all of these things. I feel sadness when I think about my mom and how she's going on that trip back to Ohio all by herself, and how she will miss me. And how she spent so much time and energy making sure that I was settled nicely out here. I realized this morning that she's always been like that, and always taken SUCH good care of me and my family, but it was a really external kind of care. Like, my apartment is set up nice and I have everything I need, and it's always been that way, but I didn't get the same treatment emotionally. I just thought that was kinda interesting, and I don't blame her at all. I know she loves me and that's the kind of thing she values--having an orderly, clean life--so that's what she gives me. It may be a little unskillful, but I still appreciate it greatly because of where it comes from.
I keep getting side tracked. Sorry, I'm really still crying here and there right now and feeling all sorts of things. Kind of a, "what do I do now...?" "Oh god don't leave me." Thinking that she might come back at any moment, but knowing she won't. Scared for my safety--what if someone breaks in! Scared that I won't be strong enough. I have had such debilitating anxiety in the past, and I've felt it on this trip so far, sheer terror in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, panic attacks. And yet I've also felt bliss. I'm such an emotional roller coaster!
So... I'm at this point. I think there is so much energy here, and I know that with good comes bad, with bad comes good. There is always a balance whether we see it or not. This may be a very painful time for me. A very difficult time. But with that comes equal parts inspiration, beauty, and growth. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for me on how best to make use of this time. If you've gone through a similar kind of uprooting, transitional period where you felt scared as well, and how to deal with it. And I don't mean deal like, go out and make new friends, watch TV, keep myself busy kind of stuff. That's what everyone says, and I think it's a part...but I want to grow from this. I tried meditating right after my mom left, thinking maybe I could watch myself cry for a little while, really get in there and feel my fears, listen to myself, find out what's wrong, find out what's going on, but I only lasted a couple of minutes I guess before I got restless and afraid. Haha it's funny--it's so easy to think, "yeah I'm gonna feel my fears and pass through them and come out stronger!" but when you actually get there, it really is scary as hell and you decide not to face it "right now, maybe later."
Sorry for the long post. I don't know if I should get another therapist out here or not. I think what I need more of is spiritual guidance. These times in our lives really bring home the fact that things don't last. That I will die. That my parents will die. That time is precious. These things are fragile, so we should really care for them. Even when I think I've spent a lot of time with these issues, accepting them, when something like this happens I find myself back at square one, clinging, wishing and hoping that I could just hang out with my mom forever, that we could just be happy and cozy and love each other.
I just feel I'm at a powerful point, and I don't want to waste it by distracting myself. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to face it. Honestly...and if this were someone else I'd tell them to face their fears! Sit with them until they bubble up and you think you can't take it anymore and just look at them and surrender to life and welcome and accept and love! But then when I go to do it myself...it feels like I'm going to collapse, pass out, lose control, lose all my sanity, enter a nightmare and never return... It already feels a little like that right now. It's getting darker, 8:30pm almost. Everything seemed cozy and nice when my mom was here. Now it seems scary. Now I'm just talking myself into panic. I really am. I'll stop.
Anyway, what to do? Thanks for listening. I want to rely on myself in this transition so that I can get a better relationship with myself, but I also need to carefully choose to take refuge in the Sangha, instead of in TV or friends or something. Thank you again.
The thing is, my mom just left. Maybe you can imagine how I'm feeling, I don't know. She was really sad, and said she'd miss me. And I realized (once again) that all the little things she does that sometimes bug me, she does because she loves me. Thinking about how much she loves me makes me cry--always has. And when she said she'd miss me my first reaction and response was to say, "really?" I just have such a hard time accepting the fact that people actually do like and love me. Even/especially myself. Anyway that's kind of beside the point.
I'm really... well lots of mixed emotions. Sad, afraid, some excitement/looking forward to stuff mixed in there behind the surface. Just all of these things. I feel sadness when I think about my mom and how she's going on that trip back to Ohio all by herself, and how she will miss me. And how she spent so much time and energy making sure that I was settled nicely out here. I realized this morning that she's always been like that, and always taken SUCH good care of me and my family, but it was a really external kind of care. Like, my apartment is set up nice and I have everything I need, and it's always been that way, but I didn't get the same treatment emotionally. I just thought that was kinda interesting, and I don't blame her at all. I know she loves me and that's the kind of thing she values--having an orderly, clean life--so that's what she gives me. It may be a little unskillful, but I still appreciate it greatly because of where it comes from.
I keep getting side tracked. Sorry, I'm really still crying here and there right now and feeling all sorts of things. Kind of a, "what do I do now...?" "Oh god don't leave me." Thinking that she might come back at any moment, but knowing she won't. Scared for my safety--what if someone breaks in! Scared that I won't be strong enough. I have had such debilitating anxiety in the past, and I've felt it on this trip so far, sheer terror in the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, panic attacks. And yet I've also felt bliss. I'm such an emotional roller coaster!
So... I'm at this point. I think there is so much energy here, and I know that with good comes bad, with bad comes good. There is always a balance whether we see it or not. This may be a very painful time for me. A very difficult time. But with that comes equal parts inspiration, beauty, and growth. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for me on how best to make use of this time. If you've gone through a similar kind of uprooting, transitional period where you felt scared as well, and how to deal with it. And I don't mean deal like, go out and make new friends, watch TV, keep myself busy kind of stuff. That's what everyone says, and I think it's a part...but I want to grow from this. I tried meditating right after my mom left, thinking maybe I could watch myself cry for a little while, really get in there and feel my fears, listen to myself, find out what's wrong, find out what's going on, but I only lasted a couple of minutes I guess before I got restless and afraid. Haha it's funny--it's so easy to think, "yeah I'm gonna feel my fears and pass through them and come out stronger!" but when you actually get there, it really is scary as hell and you decide not to face it "right now, maybe later."
Sorry for the long post. I don't know if I should get another therapist out here or not. I think what I need more of is spiritual guidance. These times in our lives really bring home the fact that things don't last. That I will die. That my parents will die. That time is precious. These things are fragile, so we should really care for them. Even when I think I've spent a lot of time with these issues, accepting them, when something like this happens I find myself back at square one, clinging, wishing and hoping that I could just hang out with my mom forever, that we could just be happy and cozy and love each other.
I just feel I'm at a powerful point, and I don't want to waste it by distracting myself. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to face it. Honestly...and if this were someone else I'd tell them to face their fears! Sit with them until they bubble up and you think you can't take it anymore and just look at them and surrender to life and welcome and accept and love! But then when I go to do it myself...it feels like I'm going to collapse, pass out, lose control, lose all my sanity, enter a nightmare and never return... It already feels a little like that right now. It's getting darker, 8:30pm almost. Everything seemed cozy and nice when my mom was here. Now it seems scary. Now I'm just talking myself into panic. I really am. I'll stop.
Anyway, what to do? Thanks for listening. I want to rely on myself in this transition so that I can get a better relationship with myself, but I also need to carefully choose to take refuge in the Sangha, instead of in TV or friends or something. Thank you again.
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Comments
I'm sorry, but I don't know your full story. Do you know anyone where you've moved to? What did you move there for?
I disagree with this, and that you've separated "friends" and "Sangha." Your Sangha is the group of people, whether in an organized setting or a non-Buddhist friend who meet at the coffee shop once a week, who are supportive of your path and journey to better yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you don't know people where you are, then joining an organized Sangha would be a great way to meet some. If you do know people, then don't cut them off thinking its necessary for your spiritual development . The Buddha emphasized the importance of having good and wise friends.
Did you tell your mom how much you love and appreciate her?
I moved to the Seattle from the East Coast to start my new job as a software engineer, fresh out of college. I don't know anyone here.
I guess I just separated my friends as a distraction, and as people to rely on, you know? Like...my mom walks out the door and my first instinct is to hop online and talk to one of my friends, to try and shift my dependence from one person to another. I definately don't plan on cutting anyone off or anything like that.
I definitely told my mom that I love her and thanks for all her help. I thanked her often this past week. Like, "it's so nice of you to drive me." "I really don't know what I would have done without you." That sort of thing. She has been such a huge help. I guess I didn't tell her that I appreciate all she's done for me my whole life...oh wait, yeah I did, just earlier today. We've been talking more about our differences these past few months since I read a book about different personality types. And I told her that I know that I know she loves me and I really appreciate all she's done for me, even if it hasn't always had the best outcome. That I really know it comes from the right place.
Thanks for your consideration.
It takes time to build things such as friends and relationships, a new life, but it can be done
It is all part of life and growing up, we all have to make these moves at some point and I wish you all the best with yours, tom
Seattle should be a great place to be Buddhist. I'm a little envious.
Feel your feelings. You're safe and can eat and sleep safely and well. This will pass and you'll start to enjoy it. That's the Buddhist part. This will pass.
But project your thoughts ahead. How will you feel in a week?
I'd volunteer to come to Seattle to take care of you, but if I move anywhere it will be Florida to be with my son.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. And please don't spend too much time trying to live up to expectations you set for yourself, especially if those expectations are based on what you think society expects of you or what others might think. Don't resist so much. When your urge is to get online to talk to a friend, get online and talk to a friend. Don't resist that. Yeah, you could set limits for yourself. Agree to only let yourself be "distracted" (though you can be mindful during any activity that may be a distraction to others) for a set amount of time and then meditate afterwards or something.
Don't resist so much. Your feelings are natural and they DO NOT define you. They come and go, they approach and pass, and you are still essentially love, compassion, and acceptance. :-)
I will be less hard on myself. I've been having kind of a nice time, some ups, some downs. Nothing too extreme. But those will come as well. The panic attacks, the moments of pure bliss. All just part of my ordinary experience. So maybe it is coming, gradually, the sense that, "yes, yes, everything is okay." Gradually being the operative word... Haha.
You are going to love the Pacific Northwest. The setting is beautiful, with plenty to see and do particular if enjoy the great outdoors.
Depending on the company you work for, I have some friends who work for Microsoft in Seattle, and from what I can gather, work is an excellent place to meet new friends. You've embarked on a new chapter in your life. Explore and Enjoy!
Peace.
What you sound like you're experiencing is the growing up pains of leaving the nest. Its very normal, and that you are feeling sad and mourning is a great sign. I know it feels weird, but it also means that you have deep and loving roots into family. It would be much more of an issue if you had no feelings of loss at your move.
It will definitely pass with time, and I suggest you take some time to nurture yourself. Don't be so anxious that you miss out on the golden experience you have right now, you'll never really have these 'second birthing' pains again
With warmth,
Matt