Advice on detaching

redcordial

Hi
This is my first posting but have been here lurking the past few months and have learnt a lot so thanks. Just wondering if anyone has any advice or guidance on detaching emotionally from someone? Long story short I was in a physical relationship (it was only a short time) that the other person ended however wants to remain friends. I am also wanting to remain friends as I value this person and we have a lot in common and similar outlooks on life however am finding it hard to remain just friends because of the way things used to be (I became too attached - story of my life - I'm working on it!). I have been through all the emotions of feeling mad, sad, disappointed etc and have accepted the situation, I just don't know how to get to the point where I can have this person as a friend without feeling more? Is it best just to give up and move on without them in my life at all? Or continue to not contact them until I am sure I am 'over it'? (we havent been in contact for nearly 3 weeks now). Anyway would love to hear your thoughts, if any
Thanks

SherabDorje

At the risk of sounding like an old fart :mad:, this too shall pass. Feel your feelings. You seem to have good insight. Feelings take a while to sort themselves out. What's wrong with just feeling your feelings in a relaxed way?

TreeLuvr87

This has to be tough for you. It will get easier as time goes on, because it sounds like you're allowing the feelings to pass naturally. It just takes a lot of time. Personally, I would probably try to stay away for a few months until I really felt more at peace with myself. I'm sure you already know this, but detaching yourself from others is much easier when you're in love with your own spirit. I would use the time to really do some exploration with self-love, so that I wouldn't feel as strongly attached to someone externally. Good luck buddy!

Lucas

I went through that for a long time, three years in fact, with a close friend. we had a physical relationship and I always wanted more and he just wanted to be friends. I had to learn to let go, completely and totally of my expectations. There was so much there that we had as friends and I was not seeing it because of desire and want and this and that. Yes, it is painful to try to let go of someone that you care for, but it can be done. When i was suffering through it what helped me was to say during meditation "breathing in I recognize my suffering, breathing out I embrace my suffering." Feel every feeling, recognize it, embrace it. You must be able to feel pain in order to move on and heal from it. If you wish to remain friends with this person, remember that everything, absolutely everything, in life constantly changes and this includes people and relationships. It hurts, but it can be done if you do wish to remain friends with this person. Sometimes greater things that what was in the past can happen if we accept change.

newtech

'Renunciation is good. Seclusion is good.' But my heart didn't leap up at renunciation, didn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace. The thought occurred to me: 'What is the cause, what is the reason, why my heart doesn't leap up at renunciation, doesn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace?' Then the thought occurred to me: 'I haven't seen the drawback of ****THAT RELATIONSHIP; I haven't pursued [that theme]. I haven't understood the reward of renunciation; I haven't familiarized myself with it. That's why my heart doesn't leap up at renunciation, doesn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace.'

Mountains

I'm sure many of us have been there. I know I certainly have, and it hurts like hell. I wasn't in a good place to start with when it happened to me (before I discovered, or had begun to understand the dharma), so it *really* threw me for a loop. But as noted above, this too shall pass, and it will in good time. Just be with how it feels. The old "...but let's be friends" thing *always* comes up. And if that does come to pass, that's wonderful. But in my bitter experience, it rarely happens in actual fact. And that's okay too. People come into and pass out of our lives for a reason. It's up to us to extract the lessons we're supposed to learn from them, then bless them on their ways...

Peace

Mtns

pegembara

newtech wrote: »

'Renunciation is good. Seclusion is good.' But my heart didn't leap up at renunciation, didn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace. The thought occurred to me: 'What is the cause, what is the reason, why my heart doesn't leap up at renunciation, doesn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace?' Then the thought occurred to me: 'I haven't seen the drawback of ****THAT RELATIONSHIP; I haven't pursued [that theme]. I haven't understood the reward of renunciation; I haven't familiarized myself with it. That's why my heart doesn't leap up at renunciation, doesn't grow confident, steadfast, or firm, seeing it as peace.'

Love the quote from Tapussa Sutta.


The degree of hurt is in direct proportion to the degree of craving. It burns and burns, yet one cannot let go. The attractions of being in a "romantic" relationship proves too strong until one gets fed up of being pushed around. One gains insight and this creates disenchantment(nibbida) in the mind. Nibbida gives rise to dispassion(viraga). Viraga is the giving up of that desire or delight in the things of the mind, or things of the world.

To find the kingdom is the easiest thing in the world but also the most difficult. Easy because it is all around you and within you, and all you have to do is reach out and take possession of it. Difficult because if you wish to possess the kingdom you may possess nothing else. That is, you must drop all inward leaning on any person or thing, withdrawing from them forever the power to thrill you, or excite you, or to give you a feeling of security or well-being. For this, you first need to see with unflinching clarity this simple and shattering truth: Contrary to what your culture and religion have taught you, nothing, but absolutely nothing can make you happy. The moment you see that, you will stop moving from one job to another, one friend to another, one place, one spiritual technique, one guru to another. None of these things can give you a single minute of happiness. They can only offer you a temporary thrill, a pleasure that initially grows in intensity, then turns into pain if you lose them and into boredom if you keep them.

de Mello

janet

On this thread Redcordial I suppose like all of us we are experiencing the journey of the heart. I am thinking that what one is attached to resonates in one's soul the question perhaps is this attachment divisive or unifying? I appreciate how alone we are in these knots that binds our hearts to another.

Just now I am having the experience of death in a relationship, different from you but same concentration of deep attachment or ties to another. Is it the presence of the person or thing that one misses. How does one relocate the object of ones desires when it changes or is no longer present. Can the mind and heart be connected together so to appreciate the true sense of loss and the grief of that. Separating what was real and what was not may be a lonely exercise it takes courage to live in one's truth. I wonder if some breathing practice watching rise and fall of air whilst focusing on heart's intension for an answer. Will a single question proposed in the spirit of harmonizing the whole self help. Namasta From Janet

redcordial

Thanks all for the kind words and pieces of advice. I certainly live by 'this too shall pass'. I am no longer feeling down about the end of this relationship and time will tell whether we get to that friendship point. If not then that's ok too it is in the past. Thanks again

being

I actually have a very recent experience with a similar situation. Broke up with my girlfriend, but started to regret it a bit later. Tried to be just friends, but that was impossible for me. Always had these underlying hopes, that maybe she too feels the same towards me etc. But all those expectations and hopes were never met, which just caused suffering. So I decided I should just give up on any contact with her.

After not contacting her for a while I went to a meditation retreat for 10 days and when I came back, I was feeling so great, I decided I should tell her about my experience etc. Was not a very good idea. Again all those hopes and expectations became alive and I started suffering. For some time I wasn't even sure, what was causing my misery.
Now just a few days back I talked to her about it, explained how I feel etc and we agreed on not communicating with each other. Just as I did that... kinda like gave up on her, I started feeling much better again.

So yes, I think this 'let's just be friends' can be near impossible, if one of you still has deep feelings (of attachment?) towards the other. I believe it's best (or maybe just easier) to give up on the whole relationship for as long as needed.

Palzang

Like the rest who have responded, I too have experienced similar feelings when breaking up with someone who just wants to remain friends. It never seemed to work out that way. As you said, the attachment was just too all-consuming to semi-back off and be just a friend. The only advice I could give is pretty much what everybody else has already said, back off and give it time. See how it works out. Maybe you can just be friends. Maybe not.

Generally speaking, to sort of change the subject a bit, the way I have been taught to break attachments in general and practice renunciation is the contemplation of the four thoughts that turn the mind to Dharma. The four thoughts are:

1) appreciation of the preciousness of human life, particularly a life in which one has the great fortune of hearing the name of the Buddha and hearing the teachings of the Dharma, as it is taught that only as a human do we have the real chance to break free of the wheel of death-and-rebirth, as taught by the Buddha;

2) contemplation upon death and impermanence, that life is fleeting and every second we waste on frivolous attachments is one second we could have spent in our efforts to accomplish the purpose of life, i.e., enlightenment, and also the realization that nothing lasts in samsara, neither happiness nor suffering;

3) examining the law of karma, the law of cause and effect, and seeing how our reality is nothing more than a reflection of the causes that we ourselves have created, that we have no one else to blame for our suffering;

4) examing the faults of cyclic existence in which we continually revolve around and around the six realms of existence, helpless to end our suffering.

Palzang

caz

Equnimity is the best practise, Try changing the way you view such a person.
Emotions are not constant its time to accept that in Samsara we always get what we dont want so instead of letting your mind jump all over you, practise developing a mind that has a wish for others to be permenantly happy and you'll soon see self-absorbed thoughts clear up.

janet

caz namyaw wrote: »

Equnimity is the best practise, Try changing the way you view such a person.
Emotions are not constant its time to accept that in Samsara we always get what we dont want so instead of letting your mind jump all over you, practise developing a mind that has a wish for others to be permenantly happy and you'll soon see self-absorbed thoughts clear up.

I am grateful for these words from the Guru and will savor them as I would an enjoyable meal that is easy to digest.

RichardH

Hi recordial.
Not much to add in terms of Dharma teachings, just a personal perspective. I have found the situation you describe to be unworkable. To go from lover to friend requires a separation. You need to part and give yourself time for those feeling to go cold. Maybe the thought of letting your feelings for him/her go cold hurts, and thats the thing, the attachment. Then a some point, after carrying on with your life and experiencing other connections with other people, you can meet up with your old friend and not suffer the yearning.

ThailandTom

I personally find this the biggest hindrance to my practice,so I understand what you are going through. Like many people have suggested it is a matter of time, time to heal and let go. I tried to detach from a specific person who added some much vibrancy and unique feelings to my life many times over, maybe going on for nearly a year now. I kept making the mistake of wanting them back in my life so much that I made contact. After some time I realised the suffering of the attachment so detached, doing this several times. It seems like a catch 22 situation with no real solution. But of course, the solution is to be free of the attachment. I am nowhere near achieving this and wonder if the only time I will be free from the attachment in question is when I die It certainly seems that way right now lol.

janet

Moving along from the personal to the expansive regions; beyond the limitations of language.

What practices are proposed in Buddhist Psychology for the graceful practice of equanimity.

I can see in myself these extremes of clinging attachments and then the extremes of wanting detachment. I appreciate how these two aspects divide me. One side reacts to the stimulus that attracts me; whilst the inactive principle draws me back because there is some possession here and in that I loose myself detachment is a necessary resistance to being too closely attached; like claustrophobia it can be suffocating and it is not healthy.

So in this state of energetic vacillation between the two wanting and not wanting getting and not getting. I can see where it comes from the eternal nature of the child who wants to be free from these restraints, part of growing I think is about leaving the constraints of the past that obstructed growth.

Trick is how to take away the stressful conditions and create a change from grasping onto things in the vice like hold that initially wants to engage then wants to destroy. I see that in relationships I also see it in my creative work, that's the trouble with being trapped in past conditions.

I want to respond differently instead of jumping in to situations impulsively because I have something to share and want others to recognize me.

This new information about the grace of equanimity is what I am looking for at this point in time, the balance of opposing forces in me from these extreme reactions to being responsive and balanced.
ANY SUGGESTIONS
hope this makes sense???