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Self-compassion vs self-pity
When I try to send some compassion my own way, sometimes it feels more like pity.
What's the difference between those two and how do you make sure that you are feeling compassion as opposed to pity?
What's the difference between those two and how do you make sure that you are feeling compassion as opposed to pity?
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Self-compassion recognizes your common humanity -- it recognizes that everyone suffers and wants to be happy in this world. Self-pity is more insular; it is using your suffering to set yourself apart from others. It says, "I can't be bothered to be compassionate to others because I'm suffering." Self-compassion says, "I, like everyone else, experience suffering. Let me be kind to myself and others because we are all in the same boat."
Compassion is an expansive/opened state. One sees pain and suffering and tries to help without comparing. For me there is no self compassion, only self pity.
Doesn't feel positive, but more of a lukewarm feeling with a tinge of depression...
I'd like to understand the feeling more fully though; looking for input from others.
Why can't I feel my own pain and suffering and try to help myself? Wouldn't that qualify as compassion? (I'd love to learn how to do that, actually)
Why does it feel so hard to feel kindness to my own self? (Or is it just me?)
If you're cultivating compassion in the context of metta meditation/brahmavihara practice, it might help to interpolate someone you do believe deserves compassion into your aspirations: "May my cat/dog Sammy and I know true safety and be free from suffering" or "May my best friend Mark and I learn to be gentle with ourselves and others." Another common technique I've seen in many books is to visualize yourself as a young child -- innocent, hopeful and vulnerable -- and direct your metta phrases towards your childhood self.
To me, pity feels like throwing in the towel. "Well, that just sucks, case closed." And compassion feels like caring, like being with the suffering, being open to it and looking for ways to be kind in response.
Just an example, last night I experienced some self pity and also some self compassion. The pity was like saying to myself, "oh, this is awful! Why me!" And it just made me feel worse. The compassion got me out of bed and into the shower, where I took great care in washing up, intending to give myself a really nice and relaxing experience, sending myself love, treating myself with care. Then I made a sandwich and had a pretty good night.
So yeah, I guess I see pity as briefly acknowledging the suffering and then looking away, whereas compassion is really taking a good look and opening your heart, which naturally leads to compassionate action.
Also, I just wanted to comment on that excerpt that Glow posted. That's really interesting! I have read for a long time that a way to get rid of anxiety is to accept it, but I don't think I've ever read something that said to accept it because it's not going to go away. Even though after 2 years of living with anxiety, I really am starting to accept it as something that isn't going to go away. I realize, "yeah I'll probably have a panic attack, but oh well that's me, what do I expect?" And realizing that everyone has problems and suffers in different ways, and this is something I'm dealing with right now but it won't last forever and there are lots of good things to balance it out with. Every time I'm afraid I know that inspiration and tears of bliss/relief are not too far away. I'm really starting to recognize the inherent balance in all things, and it's kind of wonderful.
Pity = feeling sorry for yourself.
Shame for being weak may also be a part of the dynamic. We feel we should never be weak, not allowed, and that is ego grasping. Shame for being "selfish" is another impediment to self-acceptance. We tell ourselves we are so much better than that. Judgement has so much to do with it. Good vs bad, weak vs strong. Ego is underlying. Begin to let that go and it becomes easier.
I am not entirely sure that is true. Many people have compassion for others, yet they are extremely hard on themselves. Some very kind and compassionate people suffer from low self-esteem.