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I have resentment too much..
Hello everyone, I am new here and want to learn more about Buddhism and its wisdom.
Not sure how to deal with my feelings but I have intense resentment toward my ex gf :mad:.
She dumped me very harshly, although the relationship was short (2 months) it impacted me deeply because I was attached to her too quickly. I also had too many expectations which were of course never met.
I am angry at her for "leading me on", she asked for a commitment only to change her mind at the end.
It's been about 1 month since our break up and as each days go by I get more and more angry because I have not received any contact from her (deep down I know she won't).
How do I deal with these raging feelings of anger and resentment?
The funny thing is I started reading "Open Heart, clear Mind" and there is a chapter about love and detachment. It's unfortunate I didn't pay attention to this chapter before I entered my relationship with my ex. It would of saved me a lot of pain.
Thank you
J.
Not sure how to deal with my feelings but I have intense resentment toward my ex gf :mad:.
She dumped me very harshly, although the relationship was short (2 months) it impacted me deeply because I was attached to her too quickly. I also had too many expectations which were of course never met.
I am angry at her for "leading me on", she asked for a commitment only to change her mind at the end.
It's been about 1 month since our break up and as each days go by I get more and more angry because I have not received any contact from her (deep down I know she won't).
How do I deal with these raging feelings of anger and resentment?
The funny thing is I started reading "Open Heart, clear Mind" and there is a chapter about love and detachment. It's unfortunate I didn't pay attention to this chapter before I entered my relationship with my ex. It would of saved me a lot of pain.
Thank you
J.
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Comments
To me, it sounds like codependance. There is a great book on it called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. De-constructing your feelings of resentment will happen naturally as you examine and overcome your codependant tendencies, which include the "attached to her too quickly" and "had too many expectations that were of course never met"
Her dumping you might be a good thing for your long term development. It has lead you here, where you have the opportunity to discover how to nurture stable long term relationships. The book is available on Amazon, and is in most bookstores.
Good luck!
With warmth,
Matt
You could also do with reading a book called "City Dharma" By Arthur Jeon, who includes quite a few pages - and a couple of chapters - on relationship love, the end of a love affair, and how loving someone can actually make us selfish.
In the meantime, please know this, for sure:
Your happiness is not dependent on the inclusion in your life of a significant other.
Your happiness is not dependent on your getting apologies, explanations, inputs or justifications from those who have hurt you in the past.
Your happiness is not dependent on life being great, wonderful, love-drenched and serene. Because it rarely ever is.
Your happiness is not dependent on being able to help anyone, fix anyone, repair anyone or make them change their pattern of behaviour, because you never can, and you never will.
Your happiness is not dependent on anything outside of yourself.
Anything.
The most important person in your life - the one who deserves your completely accepting, unconditional love and Compassion - is You.
And get this:
You always will be.
because until you can totally come to terms with yourself - "damaged" bits, warts and all, and love yourself as deeply as you'd like to be loved by anyone else - you can never love anyone else that way.
You will always have an agenda - and so will they.
So many negative thoughts and memories to overcome (in life overall). I guess this will take time. But I can sense it, it is there.:)
Meanwhile I'm working to go through the pain. The one thing that is "killing" me is trying to understand/ make sense of what happend and what caused the relationship to end (which I have a presumption
I do believe Buddhism will help me not only with this experience but also in every aspect of my life.
Forget it.
You never will.
Second-guessing or trying to get into the mind and reasoning of another person, is both a futile and fruitless exercise.
The only thing you can do is accept that "It didn't work out".
It's broken, over and you can't fix it.
Read your own behaviour, reactions, responses and input.
take lessons (if any need taking) from those, and watch how you interact next time.
And yes, there will be a 'next' time....
or more accurately, what you learn, absorb, understand and practice with Buddhism, will help you now, and in future.
I like this part "And yes, there will be a 'next' time...."
Next time will be right, I've learned so many lessons from this one.:)