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Forgiving those that continually hurt you
I have to say it is slightly awkward to give my intro in a thread like this, but since I have gotten into Buddhism (about a year ago) this has been my biggest struggle.
I'm 17, turning 18 in January. I will be starting my senior year in high school in about two weeks. But I don't think further introduction is needed as i'll explain everything I feel is important.
When I first started getting into BUddhism I took it extremely seriously. I was meditating every chance I got, I would study and read every single night (I can't drive, and the closest temple is like 10 miles from my house, so I've only actually been to one Buddhist event).
I know Buddhism is right for me, I have since I first heard about it. When I started practicing it, I was the happiest person I had ever been.
But here's where my problem comes in (and it's not too easy). My father is an alcoholic. In late December/early January of 08-09 he went to rehab to get well. During this time my step mom found it a good opportunity to have an affair (for some reason, who knows)... When my dad got home and found out, and it destroyed him. Since that he has been struggling with sobriety more than ever (he's been a "recovering" alcoholic most of his life).
When my dad is drunk, he doesn't become violent, but he gets angry at the slightest of events, and always brings up the past (step mom's affair). For the last year and a half they have fought just about every time he has decided to start drinking (I'll mention that this is fairly often).
When they fight they're loud, and sometimes get close to hitting each other (its definitely a mutual thing, my dad doesn't become abusive or anything) and I usually end up stepping in between them so they don't hurt each other.
I've gone around an hour standing between them while they scream at each other and try to push me out of the way. The cops have been involved three or four times, and it's quite obvious this situation is NOT something I want to deal with.
But along with the arguments comes the details which me and my thirteen year old sister do not need to hear (things about their sexual relationship, and that which my step mom had with her "side fling", if you will, and usually with detail). This stuff NEVER happens when my dad is sober, but he ALWAYS starts drinking again. When he's drunk, he becomes forgetful, judgmental, and he seems to think out loud (which cause more problems than one might imagine).
A lot of the stuff that comes out of his mouth can be very hurtful and his apologies and promises to stop drinking have come to mean absolutely nothing to me in the last year.
My predicament lies with the fact that I cannot have a stable mind in this environment, nor can i be peaceful, or most of the time even in just a general good mood. I don't know how I can keep from having resentment and anger towards my dad, and also towards my step mom for cheating on him. I have tried talking to my dad about Buddhism but he is a hard-set "sheep" of Christianity and won't even acknowledge it.
I don't know how to help my dad, or even if he wants help. I don't know how to keep my sister sane, and protected from their ignorance after i move out (which will be soon after i graduate if my financial situation permits).
I don't know how to help my step mom (who is very distant with me, and doesn't try to have a relationship at all with me) cope with my dad or fix their situation.
Lastly though, I have NO idea how I can practice Buddhism under these conditions and I hate knowing that in the last few months I have strayed from it because of them. I know this is a huge bomb to be dropped upon a site i just joined but I don't want to wait any longer.
I would love to get advice and hope from someone. My girlfriend has been there for me through the last year and a half (we started going out a few days after my dad left for rehab) but has many of her own problems so neither of us can really ever help each other very well. I almost feel I could keep typing but it's getting really late and I think most people will probably have been wondering why this post never ends.
I thank anyone who cared enough about someone's first post to read through all of this, even if you don't reply. I also thank anyone in advance that can help bring me (and maybe this house) some peace.
I'm 17, turning 18 in January. I will be starting my senior year in high school in about two weeks. But I don't think further introduction is needed as i'll explain everything I feel is important.
When I first started getting into BUddhism I took it extremely seriously. I was meditating every chance I got, I would study and read every single night (I can't drive, and the closest temple is like 10 miles from my house, so I've only actually been to one Buddhist event).
I know Buddhism is right for me, I have since I first heard about it. When I started practicing it, I was the happiest person I had ever been.
But here's where my problem comes in (and it's not too easy). My father is an alcoholic. In late December/early January of 08-09 he went to rehab to get well. During this time my step mom found it a good opportunity to have an affair (for some reason, who knows)... When my dad got home and found out, and it destroyed him. Since that he has been struggling with sobriety more than ever (he's been a "recovering" alcoholic most of his life).
When my dad is drunk, he doesn't become violent, but he gets angry at the slightest of events, and always brings up the past (step mom's affair). For the last year and a half they have fought just about every time he has decided to start drinking (I'll mention that this is fairly often).
When they fight they're loud, and sometimes get close to hitting each other (its definitely a mutual thing, my dad doesn't become abusive or anything) and I usually end up stepping in between them so they don't hurt each other.
I've gone around an hour standing between them while they scream at each other and try to push me out of the way. The cops have been involved three or four times, and it's quite obvious this situation is NOT something I want to deal with.
But along with the arguments comes the details which me and my thirteen year old sister do not need to hear (things about their sexual relationship, and that which my step mom had with her "side fling", if you will, and usually with detail). This stuff NEVER happens when my dad is sober, but he ALWAYS starts drinking again. When he's drunk, he becomes forgetful, judgmental, and he seems to think out loud (which cause more problems than one might imagine).
A lot of the stuff that comes out of his mouth can be very hurtful and his apologies and promises to stop drinking have come to mean absolutely nothing to me in the last year.
My predicament lies with the fact that I cannot have a stable mind in this environment, nor can i be peaceful, or most of the time even in just a general good mood. I don't know how I can keep from having resentment and anger towards my dad, and also towards my step mom for cheating on him. I have tried talking to my dad about Buddhism but he is a hard-set "sheep" of Christianity and won't even acknowledge it.
I don't know how to help my dad, or even if he wants help. I don't know how to keep my sister sane, and protected from their ignorance after i move out (which will be soon after i graduate if my financial situation permits).
I don't know how to help my step mom (who is very distant with me, and doesn't try to have a relationship at all with me) cope with my dad or fix their situation.
Lastly though, I have NO idea how I can practice Buddhism under these conditions and I hate knowing that in the last few months I have strayed from it because of them. I know this is a huge bomb to be dropped upon a site i just joined but I don't want to wait any longer.
I would love to get advice and hope from someone. My girlfriend has been there for me through the last year and a half (we started going out a few days after my dad left for rehab) but has many of her own problems so neither of us can really ever help each other very well. I almost feel I could keep typing but it's getting really late and I think most people will probably have been wondering why this post never ends.
I thank anyone who cared enough about someone's first post to read through all of this, even if you don't reply. I also thank anyone in advance that can help bring me (and maybe this house) some peace.
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Comments
Shawn, I am very sorry to hear how terribly you and your family are suffering during this difficult time. Alcohol addiction is a very serious problem and I hope your Dad is able to get the help he needs to get well.
My uncle died this year from cirrhosis caused by years of alcohol abuse. He had also been suffering from lung cancer caused by years of tobacco smoking. It was extremely painful for my family to watch him destroy his body and mind.
It's sounds like you're in a very sad situation that is deeply affecting your emotions. You need to recognize your own needs and try to find resources that can help you. Since you're almost 18, maybe you should consider the option of moving out.
Try to remember that your Dad and stepmom are imperfect, flawed people, just like the rest of us. They make mistakes and are under the sway of negative delusions, just like the rest of us. Generate compassion for them and try to see that they are both suffering, and that their suffering is causing them to behave in ways that are hurting the entire family. Here's a passage from The Way of the Bodhisattva on the chapter "Patience" that came to mind:
Are by nature prone to injure others,
There's no reason for our rage;
It's like resenting fire for being hot.
[40] And if their faults and fleeting and contingent,
If living beings are by nature mild,
It's likewise senseless to resent them -
As well be angry at the sky when it's full of smoke!
[41] Although it is their sticks that hurt me,
I am angry at the ones who wield them, striking me.
But they in turn are driven by their hatred;
Therefore with their hatred I should take offense.
If your Dad doesn't want to talk about Buddhism, don't push the topic. Focus on your own practice and if you continue to train your mind, your own good qualities will shine through and be an example to others.
The best thing you can do for your father is to be supportive of his recovery. Tell him that you love him and you want him to get well, and that you'll support him in whatever way he needs. Ultimately it is his choices that determine his actions, so no matter how badly you want him to get better, it is his decision to make. All you can do is encourage his positive actions and goals.
As for you and your sister and stepmother, you need support too. There are many groups that help families of alcoholics, so consider looking into groups in your community that may be able to help you.
It may sound strange, but difficult experiences can be the best teachers.
I know how hard it is to keep focused on the meditation, especially with the verbal disruptions and emotional outbursts, but if you are dedicated to practicing then you can integrate all experiences into the experience of meditation. Look at it this way - there's no guarantee of every meditation session to be silent, calm and perfectly serene. There's always some noise or distraction, and even if it's not external there are always internal dialogues, thoughts, fantasies that take our mind away. (Meditation is possible even in prisons, which are extremely loud, chaotic, and violent places. Prisoners can learn to practice even in this kind of environment and gain great benefit from it.)
If that seems like too much for you then try leaving the house and finding a space away from the chaos to meditate. Sit outside or go for a walk. Even doing a minute of breathing meditation is beneficial! Here's a short verse by Thich Nhat Hanh for conscious breathing:
Breathing out, I smile.
Dwelling in the present moment,
I know this is a wonderful moment.
Thanks for sharing this with us. I hope you are able to get the help you need and that by sharing with our e-sangha you find some comfort and peace.
Remember that you are not alone; you are interconnected with everything. "You are in the universe, and the universe is in you."
I understand how deeply confusing your world must be, as you witness many different kinds of actions and become unsure how to help yourself and the others in your family. That your loving heart has had to endure such trials is sad, and my heartfelt wish goes along with you to find a path where you and your sister are safe and well loved. I think that some skillfulness could arise from looking at your situation with a little more depth, and I'll do my best to help.
Your father does sound like an Alcoholic. Having such a potent addiction in ones life is horrific, and my heart goes out to your dad. The pattern is a real problem, certainly, but remember that it does not define your father, he is a victim of his addiction. If you can, imagine yourself in a room with him, where all of his patterns tied to his drinking are a boulder that sits on top of him, crushing his happiness. His being a drunk does not define him, but it does undermine most of his other desires.
To help him, the only thing you can do is encourage him to get into AA (and of course try to remain loving.) However, you cannot force him to change, nor can you give him the power to overcome his addiction. However, through mindfulness, open observation and continued meditation, it is possible to stabalize your view of him in the moment. Perhaps you could find a few moments in the morning, maybe waking up a little earlier, to just sit and observe your breath and mind, letting things settle. You sound like you suffer so greatly, that sitting and settling might be difficult at first, but it could certainly come with a jewel-like reward of mental stability.
Your stepmom sounds like a codependent. A close psychologist friend of mine says that "if there was one drunk and one codependent in a stadium of 10,000 people, by the end of the event they'll be dating." The mind of a codependent is quite fascinating, as they look externally for self-identity. When your father was away, it might have been your stepmom's inability to understand herself when she is alone that drove her to find another. You can probably observe lots of examples of how she considers others as her source of identity. She'll say things like "you make me feel..." and "I can't do it because of you..." or "I did it because of you... " and "If you weren't so..." and so forth. Does any of that strike true?
If so, you might imagine her much like your father, so blinded by the patterns, so deluded and ensnared, that she is a victim of her own dysfunction.
As a child in the home, I know it is difficult to step back and switch the observation from "my dad is an alcoholic" to "my dad is burdened by alcoholism", but in my opinion, that is the best way to view it as a Buddhist practitioner. The absolute best thing you can do is to continue to be mindful, meditate when you can, and practice viewing your father and step-mom as loving, peaceful people who are being oppressed by mental states that they can not yet control. As you do, you will naturally become more loving toward them, which will help you become more skillful. Remember, the only real place you have the power to change anything is in your own mind, and by stilling your mental dis-ease, your ability to helpfully impact your environment will increase.
On a side note, is there no better option for living elsewhere? No grandparents or your biological mother that might be a safer environment for yourself and your sister?
There is also a group called alanon, which you can google for more information, that is for people who's families have been impacted or are being impacted by a member drinking. It can be invaluable to know that we are not alone, and if there is a way for you to attend a local meeting, I highly recommend it. There are others, just like you, who have had to endure terrible and disturbing moments, just like you, and connecting with them could certainly ease the sense of being trapped for both you and your sister.
With warmth,
Matt
Wow... first of all, good for you for being brave, obviously very insightful (especially given your age - amazing!), and for discovering the dharma. I have no great advice to give you about your untenable situation except to say that nothing you or anyone else does to doesn't do will 'fix' the situation. If those who created the situation don't want to fix it, it can't be fixed. The best you can do is learn to deal with it while you're intimately enmeshed in it, keep doing your best with your own practice, do your best to protect your little sister (does she have any interest in Buddhism?), and remove yourself from the situation as soon as you can. I can't imagine having to live like that every day, and I admire your maturity and insight, and your strength in being able to do so up to this point.
Keep your chin up, try to sneak in a little quiet meditation time whenever and wherever you can (even if it's only 30 seconds), and watch what happens. Know that your dad and your step mom are suffering greatly, and try to cultivate lovingkindness toward them and understanding of the causes of their suffering. Whatever they direct at you or your sister isn't because of anything you've done or said, it's because of their own suffering.
I wish you the very best with everything. There are lots of great people here who can give you great advice and encouragement.
Peace my friend..
Mtns
So I think you have plenty of good tips, counsel, advice and comfort.
It's an almost futile thing to say, but please - don't hesitate to come in here for any reason you might have, whatsoever.
To vent, rage, complain, moan, or even delight in minor pleasures and triumphs during this extremely trying period.
you are so young and my heart goes out to you, for the experiences you are going through.
You should be enjoying your youth and going out with friends, and having fun.
This sounds like no fun at all.
It saddens me that one so young is being thrust into a world of responsibility and adult burdens.
Please, I hope you don't think that patronising....I truly am, deeply sorry you are going through this.
I feel for all members of your family, who in their ways, are coping with Suffering and Pain, and dealing with it (badly, inadvisedly, unskilfully, and in as bad a way as anyone could) and trying to live from day to day, in the fog of confusion they are creating for themselves.
Don't lose touch, don't lose out, and come in and post as often as you can, and want.
We in our small ways, will do all we can to support you, and help you through.
There is little we can do, so remotely, but sometimes, all you need is someone to listen.
And we'll be here for that.
Courage dear friend.
This too, shall one day pass.
Every day, is one day less you'll have to deal with it.
i am feeling very ineffectual at the moment because i grew up in a situation very close to the one you describe, but for the life of me, i really can't offer any good advice. the only difference was that my parents eventually broke up because of it. he did quit for a while after that in hopes my mom would come back, but he eventually gave in again. i tried to visit my dad, but eventually it just got to be too hard. like your dad, he wasn't abusive, he was just... an ass, to put it bluntly. our relationship ended when one night i gave him an ultimatum to stop drinking or never see me again and he actually laughed at me out of the absurdity. i never visited him again and he never knew why because he was blacked out during this conversation. thinking back, i do have a lot of sympathy for him and wonder how horrible that morning must have been when he found me missing. what must he have thought?
alcoholism is truly a terrible thing. i understand the "when he's drunk..." thing. my dad was my best friend when sober, but became an angry child when drunk. it always felt very dr. jeckle and mr. hyde to me.
my father has now been sober for several years, but it took him a lot to get to that point. he lost everything he had, declared bankruptcy, but the event that really pushed him to quit was when he finally got a new job, he stepped out of his truck and had a seizure. he laid face down in the snow for over a half an hour before anyone found him. and it was all because his addiction was so strong and he had been too poor to buy more alcohol. at this point, it is no longer just about the mind... his body had actually formed a chemical dependency on alcohol. the doctor told him at this time that his bones were so depleted they were like a 70 year old woman's with osteoporosis.
in my experience, it takes a lot for a alcoholic to REALLY accept that they have a problem. for years we used to fight because i would find his stashes of alcohol and dump them down the drain. the entire time he would say that he didn't have a problem or that it was under control. to this day, i would be lying if i said i didn't still hold some resentment toward him. but i am gradually letting it go. in reality, this is more for me than it is for him. in the time that we didn't speak, i still worried about him constantly. it became such a burden on me to wonder what might happen to him because he had no one to care. i try to remember the good times, the sober times. i try to think about alcoholism as an addiction. it was just too strong for him until he had a real wake up call. but the actual addiction itself came from the fact that he was so unhappy. it's very easy to see your father pick up that beer every day and feel anger well up inside. but just remember that it is an addiction. it is not as easy to quit as it might seem to those not dealing with this issue.
please just try to remember that harboring negative feelings toward your father and step mother actually harms you, not them. perhaps you should practice loving-kindness meditation towards them. would it be possible for you to practice outside?
i read once that all hardships we experience in this life, we should be thankful for. they teach us compassion and allow us to relate to others, perhaps as i am relating to you now. at the very least it can be said that you and i know first hand the danger and repulsion that is alcohol so that we may avoid such a fate.
another suggestion i can give you is to try to really demonstrate to him what he is like when he is drunk and how it is hurting you and your sister. but of course, only show him this when he is sober. if possible, get a video camera. you need to make things as obvious to him as they are to you in an attempt to get him to really WANT to change. because you see, until he really WANTS it, there just isn't much you can do.
feel free to send me a private message if you would like to talk more in detail. it's important to discuss these things.
namaste.
"If everybody could put their problems into a huge pile, and see what others' problems look like, most people would be content to take their own problems back, and quietly creep away....."
Kudos to you both.
There is nothing more I can say.
Thank you for your replies everyone, I've read every word and will try to take as much as I can out of it. Because there was so many replies I will just be taking bits and pieces of your posts to reply to, just know that if I skip over something in my reply I still read it and will still use it if I can.
Mugzy I wrote that book down on my list to read (which is quite full
aMatt That does sound a lot like her, maybe I'll read into that more and send my dad some info on it when he's sober next. It could help him reason with why she acted as she did. I've heard of it, but it isn't really my thing. I guess I shouldn't knock it till I try but I've never liked group things like that. Well my "sister" is really my "half-sister". She is the daughter of my step mom and my dad, and my mother has only been in the same room with her maybe twice. My grandparents on my dads side live almost a state away and my mothers parents couldn't afford it. My other siblings are also not in the situation where they could take us (my older sister, 23, lives with her boyfriend at his parents house and my older brother, 25, lives on the other side of the continent). The only reason I don't move in with my mom is because I don't want to leave my sister here alone to deal with all of this by herself.
Mountains Thank you very much sir/ma'am (sorry I don't know :rolleyes:) This I shall try to do.
federica Thank you, that should help as I've had many other questions (all slipping my mind at the moment, of course) that I previously had no one to inquire upon.
zombiegirl
I cannot quote one specific thing in your post that doesn't relate to me haha. You did what my older sister did, though to a harsher extent. She told my dad that she wouldn't talk to him at all unless he had at least a months sobriety under his belt. He too does not remember the conversation. They've talked about two or three times in the last year. I have recorded his screaming and yelling about stupid things when he's drunk but he hasn't been sober long enough for me to feel he's ready to hear them (so they have the greatest impact) though maybe I should lower the standards and hope for the best. My dad's low point (that sent him to rehab anyways) was waking up in the morning after a night of heavy drinking, and having his hand shaking so badly he couldn't hold a cup of water up to his mouth without it spilling all over him. He was so dependent on alcohol his body went into withdrawals just after a few hours of sleep. He had a mental breakdown of sorts in the kitchen and decided that day it was time for him to stop drinking. I just wish it would stick with him still
and federica, that last quote is so true.
*off topic*
I think I use parentheses too much